The Pressure To Be Perfect on samesame.com.au

This month we’re looking at body image. At times, our scene can be very image conscious. So how do we survive the pressure to be perfect? We asked Paul Martin, Principal Psychologist with Queensland’s Centre for Human Potential.

Being gay can be hard work. In the 70’s we had to be really hairy, or wear taffeta and speak with a lisp. Today you have to be a slim twink or a “straight acting” Muscle Mary. Of course, most of us don’t fit into those categories, but the pressure to do so can be massive. For some it can be motivating and can introduce them to health and fitness, for others it can result in depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders, or obsessions that can take their toll in many ways, from stuffing up relationships to steroid abuse.

It’s worth remembering that there is a huge difference between wanting a good body as an extension of feeling healthy and “needing” a perfect body in order to feel acceptable and attractive to other people.

Many gay men and women grow up being told that being gay is a negative, it’s a sign of deficiency, worthlessness and weakness. This often results in many people feeling fundamentally flawed, setting them up for a lifetime of trying anything to feel better about themselves, including being obsessed by body shape as an adult. Others become obsessive about exercise, about the gym, about food, trying to escape those old feelings.

Sadly our gay scene doesn’t help much either! Rather than being a warm and inclusive Eden of unconditional love and acceptance, the scene can at times feel like it’s pulsating with bitchiness, brimming with judgment and criticism. After coming out, the initial excitement can give way to a horrific sense of isolation if the person doesn’t feel that they fit in – often the first thing that goes under the microscope is our body shape, or our look.

Relying on one’s looks comes with an inherent risk – we’re not getting any younger, and eventually ageing and gravity take their toll. If you’ve relied on your perfect body to feel good about yourself, growing older can lead to depression and many other difficulties. It’s those who have learned to love themselves for who they are that age beautifully!

An effective way to combat the body fascist pressures of the scene is to work on developing a sense of pride and self-acceptance, no matter what your body shape. Don’t focus on your weaknesses – we all have them. It’s far more important to be able to see yourself as inherently neither good nor bad.

If you are feeling stuck with this, unmotivated, feeling down or stressed out, it’s worth getting in touch with an experienced, well respected and caring psychologist. Looking inside of yourself and taking responsibility for what’s there is a tough thing to do, but it’s also a sign of real courage. Clients always tell us that it was easier than they thought, and almost always regret not having done it years earlier.

One of the best ways to improve your mood or self esteem is to stop comparing yourself with others. If you keep practicing doing this you’ll notice a gradual change in how you feel about yourself. You have no idea what the life of the guy with the “perfect body, car and life” is really like, so idealising them and putting yourself down doesn’t make sense.

When that voice starts in your head about how you aren’t as good as the muscled queen on the dancefloor, challenge them and try replacing them with ones that are evidence based and logical.

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