Dear Glace Chase

Feature, By GlaceChase, 23rd April, 2008

Ever since his first round of advice was doled out like breadcrumbs to hungry pigeons, Glace Chase’s inbox has been full to overflowing. This week, Same Same’s resident agony aunt fills the world with a little more of his tough love.

Dear Glace,

I am in need of guidance. There’s a guy that I’ve known for a few weeks now – we’ve gone out for dinner a few times, we’ve been flirting online… When we hang out there’s a buzz there between us. But I have no idea if he’s interested in friendship or something more. The other night when we were having dinner I sent my friend a text when he ran off to the bar saying, “dinner is going well but I can’t work out if we’re on a date or not!” So far there’s been no kissing, no touching… Normally I’d say that meant he’s not interested, but he’s always mentioning how he likes to take things slow, so maybe this is just his style?

Confused.

Sweetie, I’m confused too. No man has ever done that to me. It must be refreshing to not have a man pawing at you straight away, albeit a tad un-nerving. Your languid lover-to-be may think he is being chivalrous; in reality he’s just being annoying. He must understand that you have needs. You must force him to play his hand (as it were).

I suggest you get him over to your place for a night cap. Turn on the TV – accidentally play some BB porn and note his reaction. Spike his drink with rohypnol and drag him to your bedroom. Undress him (it’s perfectly acceptable to have a snoop at his privates). Get under the covers and have a great night’s sleep cuddling into your comatose man. When he wakes up the next morning confess that you feel guilty about what happened but were persuaded by his sincerity and passion. Then ask if you need to go on PEP. If he high foots it out the door, its safe to say he’s not interested. If he stays you’ve found yourself a keeper. Good luck.

Love Glace oxo

Hi Glace,

I’ve met this boy – he’s funny, intelligent, can hold a conversation, good looking, a good body, but here’s the deal killer – he can’t kiss to save himself. It’s like a wet dog excited to see his owner – all teeth, a bit sloppy and no real romanticism. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to train a new kisser, I think anyone over the age of 25 should have some skills in this field, otherwise I have to move on. So I don’t know how to handle the situation, do I tell him straight up there’s no chemisty, or do I used the good old “It’s not you, It’s me, but can we be friends” line. I would still like to be his friend. Thanks.

“I don’t have time to train a new kisser”? Why? Too busy stroking your own ego? This guy has everything except a firm mouth. Saliva retention and an accurate tongue are skills that can be taught, especially by those that take an interest. Too bad you’re only interested in yourself. I suggest you sit him down and let him know, calmly, that the kissing aspect needs some work. And then teach him. Helping others better themselves is what separates us from the animals – try it sometime. It’ll give you a new feeling: warmth. If you still insist on breaking up with him because you’re “too busy” then I suggest you use the following line: “We can’t see each other anymore because I’m an asshole”. If he knows what’s good for him he won’t stick around for the friends part.

Love Glace x

Dear Glace,

I am a girl, and I went to a party recently where I met two guys, who I initially mistook to be boyfriends. After an hour talking to them I realised that they are brothers. And then one of them asked me over to have dinner some time with him and his brother. I said yes, and took my current boyfriend along, but when we got there, there was low lighting, candles, and a banquet with plenty of wine. My question is: was it wrong to have instigated group sex?

People always ask me this question. My standard response is when I was younger my agent Michael Mancini took me to a board meeting of powerful studio executives to discuss my role in an upcoming soap opera. We chatted, laughed, discussed politics. And then I got down to business. Was it wrong to mix the personal and the professional? Was it wrong to bring a little joy into people’s lives? Was it wrong to be out the door within twenty minutes? No, it wasn’t! It’s never wrong to have a good time, as long as no-one gets hurt, yourself included. A note of caution though – make sure you perform equally as well for all participants otherwise some men could get the wrong idea and that could be career breaking. Not that I’m bitter.

Love Glace… xx

Dear Glace,

I’m 17 and I think I might have bipolar disorder. One week I’m happy and can’t stop smiling, the next week all I can do is cry and think the world would be a better place without me. I have tried telling my mum but she doesn’t care. Can you please help?

Stacy.

Sweetheart,

Everyone who’s anyone (and I mean everyone) has bipolar disorder these days! What a relief! Once upon a time it was considered bad manners to yo-yo all over your psycho-therapists sofa [emotionally, not conjugally which is still fine to do (Hallelujah!)]. Nowadays we’ve thankfully thrown out such outdated clap trap as ‘get over it’ or ‘stiff upper lip’ and now we’re free to laugh til we’re sick and cry til we laugh right through our Biology class and even then our teachers can’t comfort us.

What you’ve said is fundamentally true though – the world will keep on without you regardless of what you do – so you may as well get hysterical, hyperventilate and make those that love you feel really really guilty for making your life hell. Embrace your illness, get a pensioners card and know that it was only when I got diagnosed a schizotypal OCD biopolar depressive with acute agoraphobic anxiety disorder that things began to look up.

Love Glace xox

Got a question for Glace? Can you handle his truth? Send your problems to contactus@staff.samesame.com.au

All About

---

All About Glace Chase Events With Glace Chase

• Digg This
• Del.icio.us