Reality Bites! With Mama Catastrophe

Feature, By Mama Catastrophe, 29th May, 2008

Hey Kids. Welcome to the world of Mama Catastrophe, where each week this alcoholic, artificial stimulant-loving, cross-dresser with an arterial flow problem above the neck brings you her perspective on all things Reality TV.

Well, Big Brother 08 is plodding along and despite mixed reviews Mama is transfixed to the goings on in the house and its shady inhabitants – and the shadiest of all would have to be that Kyle Sandilands person. Mama just cannot warm to him. The way he treats and speaks to people is just appalling. Mama personally believes his attitude stems from him not having had a decent shag since his oldest sister left home. But that’s just her opinion and it’s still no excuse for his behaviour.

Of course Kyle isn’t the only one doing Mama’s head in.

Firstly Travis – can someone please do some body work on this poor creature? Mama is horrified every time he takes off his shirt off to reveal that great huge bush of dark black hair right above his butt crack. Now, Mama doesn’t mind if gentlemen have a tasteful tattoo on the small of their backs – it’s nice to have something to read or look at while she’s eating – but a great wad of hair is just distasteful and needs immediate attention. If that’s not bad enough, have you all seen Travis in her Friday Night Games tank and shorts ensemble? Oh my lord ! Stick a bun on her head, whack her on a balance beam and Mama would have sworn she was watching the 1976 Montreal Olympics.

It’s one thing to be lean but to look like a pre-pubescent Romanian gymnast is just not a good look. Combine this with Nobbi wearing makeup the other week and looking like a member of the Chinese women’s swimming team on a charity calendar photo shoot, and Mama could be mistaken for thinking she was watching a sports program.

Speaking of Nobbi (by name and by nature), isn’t he just revolting? Honestly, he is a load his mother should have swallowed. If he was the only bit of trade on the planet the only sound you would hear from Mama’s bedroom would be the tumble weeds as they passed over her nether regions. Mama would even go as far to say that if she were Big Brother, not only would she keep Nobbi in the Kombi van – she would run over him with it.

Of course it’s not only the boys who have disturbed Mama.

Now being a gal of larger proportions herself, Mama has a bit of a soft spot for Dixie. But for fuck sake Dixie, stop crying and stand up for yourself. You’re a big girl with a big heart, so now develop a big mouth and use it! Mama is also still concerned with the whole stashing tea bags in the bra situation from a few weeks ago. Underwear is for wearing honey, not for storing food products.

Bianca and her “I don’t want to be seen as just a body” mantras are also bothering Mama. The girl maintains she wants to be taken seriously and not have people focus on her abso–fucking-lutely enormous and (allegedly) natural bosom, yet most outfits she wears have her tits pushed up and out so much she could eat off them – put ‘em away woman!

Mama doesn’t believe Bianca is as nice as she seems and can quite easily imagine her doing a photo spread for one of those dreadful Picture or People magazines. First page sitting at a desk looking demure, hair in a bun, sensible glasses, tight pencil skirt and a blouse straining to keep her tits in, with the copy reading “meet Bianca our lovely naughty secretary”. Then in the following pages the hair comes out as she gets more and more clothing off till she’s sitting naked, spread eagled, ham purse to the world, holding a note pad, pencil placed suggestively between her lips with the copy “can I take your dick-tation?” Mama does give her points for giving that adolescent troll Corey a hard time.

After watching Brigitte for another week Mama no longer thinks the girl is an idiot – she is in fact an imbecile. Honestly the poor creature is only two IQ points off having her own telethon. Have you listened to this child speak? Talk about clueless. The only good thing about Brigitte is that she was the inspiration for a new drinking game where every time Brigitte says the word “like” Mama has to have a shot of vodka.

Of course it wouldn’t be Big Brother without rumours, sex and scandal, so here are a few choice tidbits that have been floating round the web.

Rumour 1 – Rima may be threatening to sue Big Brother for her fall. In an interview with SAFM, Jackie O stated, “We think she’s going to sue us instead. Last time we spoke to her, she was itching to come back on the show but the family has got into her.” Now to be honest little people have always made Mama feel a tad uncomfortable – she thinks it stems from recurring dream she had as a child where her dolls and toys came to life and she was tampered with by a Mr. Potato Head, but despite this Mama liked this tough gal, so if she can score some cash outta Channel 10 – good luck to her.

Rumour 2 – Four new intruders are on the way. Reports are flying around about a survey where that asked respondents give their thought on 10 possible intruders including a 26 year old gay make up artist and stylist and 22 year old ex footballer and Aussiebum model Casey Conway who is also apparently gay – an ex footballer Aussiebum model who is gay – 3 words Kimmy – BRING IT ON!

Sex – The usual nude and semi nude screen caps are floating round of various housemates if ya’ll interested. There’s a heap of full frontal shots of Nobbi showering that Mama uses when her bulimia needs help. There’s also some vids of Rory showering that have proved invaluable for those moments when willing trade is scarce and Mama is forced to spill “tears” of loneliness into her masculine yet perfectly manicured hand.

Scandal – The hypnotism task has stirred up a bit of controversy with reports of some housemates not being overly impressed with the whole thing. Apparently after being hypnotised to believe they were playboy models, Nobbi and Dave began fondling each other in a tub full of beans. Later after being told that Dave was a lollipop, Alice began licking his genitals until the poor lass got carried away and bit him causing poor Dave to fall off his chair in pain. Anyway the Housemates Hypnotized special airs this Thursday at 7:30pm.

The other Reality TV show grabbing Mama’s attention at the moment is I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – the term ‘celebrity’ obviously being used subjectively cos quite frankly Mama’s not heard of most of the fuckers on this show. Regardless of this, the show is proving quite amusing if for nothing more than the screeching of Dean Gaffney whose performance in his bush tucker trial was legendary. Mama hasn’t heard so much screaming since the night she got very drunk and was taken by three Portuguese sailors – a horrific experience but luckily the magistrate dismissed most of the charges and Mama was let off on a good behaviour bond.

Overall, though the best character has to be David Gest – the man is quite possibly the most bizarre creature Mama has ever seen. Now Mama has met some weird roosters but he takes the biscuit. The man babbles on incoherently about all manner of things, but Mama couldn’t believe her ears the other night when she heard him ask another contestant if he was “becoming noticeably bald.” Who is he kidding? The man has less hair on his head than Michael Jackson’s dates have on their hinder loins. No wonder Liza hit him with a vodka bottle. Anyway, stay tuned to I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! for the infamous episode where a cockroach crawls down Jason Donavan’s pants and into his butthole – hey its company for the gerbil!

Ok kids, that’s all from Mama this week but she’ll be back next week with another round up from the world of reality TV. Till then take a look at this classic reality TV moment, when rejects from Dutch Idol turned up to perform at a football match.

Mama C. xxxx

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