SameSame.com.au ~ Inside Out Australia

Mama Catastrophe is back – this week she dishes out the dirt on Big Brother’s lack of fashion sense, casts an eye over America’s Next Top Model’s latest cycle and asks why Big Brother’s Travis now has the hairstyle of a burns victim.

The focus of Mama’s rant this week is the appalling dress sense of this year’s Big Brother housemates. Now while none of the housemates look like they’ve just stepped out of Vogue, there are a few fashion offenders who really do need to be taken out and flogged.

Mama’s first swipe goes to Dixie and Terri. In refined circles it’s well known that when a lass gets to a certain age or size the upper arms should be kept covered at all times. Dixie and Terri however seem to be oblivious of this and keep romping around in singlet tops looking uncannily like giant fruit bats every time they lift their arms. It’s really quite off putting and Mama has had to, on more than one occasion, resort to taking a motion sickness tablet after watching these gals great walloping bingo winds flapping about.

Dixie’s fashion faux pas don’t stop there though – the poor child has taken to wearing what Mama suspects is supposed to be a kufi on her head – unfortunately it looks more like an old macramé pot plant holder fashioned by some seventies hippy off their nut on peyote – not a good look Dixie.

Not to be outdone, Travis has also taken to wearing a vile piece of headwear in the form of a huge floppy straw hat. Now Mama knows the importance of wearing a hat in the sun but this big ol’ bonnet of Travis’ is just taking the piss. It’s big enough to be a rhinoceros’ femidom and when he teams it with those god awful sunglasses and loud shirts he looks like Mrs. Howell from Gilligans’ Island.

Another fashion mistake made by some housemates is wearing clothing that accentuates their flaws and sorry Terri but honey you are one of the main offenders here. The woman gets about each day in these track pants (from K Mart presumably) that are just too tight and make the woman’s arse look positively huge – and not huge in the good way like Beyoncé either, its more looks like she could haul coal to market huge. Honestly it’s just frightening. The front views not much prettier and if the pants were any tighter round her crotch you could see the pattern of the linoleum she’s had laid on her pelvic floor – it’s vile.

Nobbi’s another one whom Mama does not want to see in tight clothing – especially those little boxer shorts or cycle pants he gets around in. Now Mama has never been one to care about the size of a man’s appendage (brief pause here to see if lightning strikes Mama) but really if a gentleman hasn’t been blessed in that department why the fuck would he go around advertising the fact. No gal is going to go home with you if she has prior knowledge of your short comings. Keep it hidden till you get them into your bedroom – then at least you got a chance of her thinking “Oh well, I’m here now”.

Rory on the other hand can walk round in his lil’ ol’ boxer shorts all day everyday as far as Mama’s concerned. Although he is a pig the man has a killer body and the first time Mama saw him in his boxers she immediately spied that there appeared to be gold in them there hills.

By far the worse though in the clothing (or lack of) stakes would be intruder Terrence. If it wasn’t bad enough to see him in his speedos Mama was then confronted with a video footage of him showering naked! Now if Mama wanted to see old men getting their clothes off she could just go down the public toilets at Frankston Beach and wait in the cubicle, but to have it thrust in her face while she’s watching her stories is just not on. It’s just wrong. The man’s body has more wrinkles on it than an elephant’s scrotum and his downstairs region reminded Mama of something you pull out of a chickens arse before cooking – all Mama can say is that god and gravity can be very unkind.

Now to move away from the fashion topic into something completely different – Mama wants to talk about Travis. The creature is becoming more and more annoying each day and quite frankly if Mama were locked in a house with him she would be forced to administer a dose of Tontine directly to his face as he slept. He is just unbearable. Not only does he get about with his body resembling a pre-pubescent Romanian gymnast he now has the hairdo (courtesy of Nobbi) of a burns victim. Has the man no pride? And what about the way he screeches? Did y’all hear him screaming when the other boys pushed prawn heads through the roof of his dog kennel and onto his head? Mama’s known priests and scout leaders who have less of an aversion to fish being dropped on their face. Anyway Mama supposes she should feel a little bit sorry for him as the poor boy had a nasty experience after being squirted in the eye with some shower gel, but to be honest Mama has been squirted in the eye with a soapy looking fluid many a time – and did she go rushing off to hospital? No, she simply reapplied her mascara, adjusted her dress and asked for the credit card details.

In other reality TV news, cycle ten of Americas Next Top Model finished a few weeks ago in America and it was heaven. They’ve got rid of that old Twiggy person and replaced her with eighties supermodel Paulina Porizkova who brings a bit of much needed glamour back to the show. There’s the usual amount of bitchery amongst the gals – especially from Dominique, a single mum who looks like a drag queen and Fatima, a Somalian refugee who was circumcised as a child. The winner was a complete shock to Mama but you’ll have to wait till it airs in Australia to find out who it was. The Apprentice, Survivor and The Amazing Race have also just finished airing in the US and should be making their way to our screens very soon… Sooner for those of you who’ve shelled out for Foxtel.

Just before Mama goes – can someone please tell the housemate from Big Brother 5 who is still using his ‘celebrity’ status as a selling point on Manhunt.net that his 15 minutes are over? Move on!

Okay kids, that’s all from Mama this week but she’ll be back next week with another round up from the world of reality TV. Until then take a look at this classic reality TV moment – when supermodel, author and reality TV legend Janice Dickinson takes a tumble while trying to teach one of her models to dance.

Mama C xxxxx