Reality Bites With Mama Catastrophe

Feature, By Mama Catastrophe, 22nd June, 2008

Mama Catastrophe is back with her twisted perspective on all things Reality TV. This week she dishes out the dirt on Big Brother’s romances, gives us a bit of insider info on Big Brother and gets ready to stick her heels into The Amazing Race.

No one can ever say that Mama is not a romantic. Mama has spent many an afternoon flicking through the latest “Thrills & Swoon” novel as she makes her way through a moderately priced purse pack of chardonnay. She is positively smitten if a man is gentleman enough to put the toilet seat down for her to sit on before she gobs him. Despite all this, there is just something about romances in the Big Brother house that just leaves her cold.

In 2002 she felt visually molested every time she saw that country boy Marty slobbering over that peculiar Jess girl. They even had a spin off series that followed the happy couple, both living in Marty’s home town which lays two miles north of whocares, as they planned their wedding. The spin off show ended with a beautiful wedding where they declared their love and commitment for each other – they split 18 moths later.

In 2006 we had Jamie and Katie. For those of you who don’t remember this couple, Jamie was the proud owner of a huge cock and Katie was a virgin. Talk about trying to fit a square peg in a round hole! Good luck taking ‘that’ on your first time honey!

This year we have Rory and Rhianna who, despite knowing each other for only two weeks, are already talking about a future together. What a load of toss! Mama firmly believes that all Rory wanted was to get his end in and Rhianna seemed like the best bet. Given his mindset, he would have dismissed four of the female housemates from the word go; Dixie (as he doesn’t find large women attractive), Rima (because she was married), Rebecca (because of her weird germ phobia) and Terri (because at 52 the juices probably aren’t flowing like they used to and no man enjoys friction burn.) Two of the remaining female housemates would have then been dismissed because of their intellect; Alice (because she’s too smart to fall for his bullshit) and Brigitte (because she’s an imbecile and most likely waiting for a pumpkin coach and glass slippers before she opens the honey pot.)

That just left Renee, Bianca and Rhianna – all of whom he put moves on. Bianca didn’t want a bar of him as she’s too uptight, and Renee… Well, the jury’s still out on this lass, but Mama wouldn’t be surprised if this gal cared more about a professional tennis career than boys. Who does that leave? Rhianna.

Personally Mama thinks Rory has made the wrong choice. While the fact that Rhianna has spawned a child obviously means that she puts out, it also means she’s pushed a head through her lady bits. Now it’s been a long, long time since Mama visited ‘the lady bits neck of the woods’ but she does recall an experience with a woman who’d had children and while the details are fuzzy, the words “beagle ears” and “saloon doors” come to mind.

Anyways as Rhianna got booted on Sunday and is by now doing the rounds of Westfield Shopping Centres, only time will tell if Rory remains true or if he is, as Mama suspects, nothing more than a dog that will throw his bone at anything willing with a pulse.

On the subject of Rhianna and Rory, Mama was amused to hear Rhianna say that she is “a bit nervous” about the footage shown on TV of her and Rory’s under the doona action. Why, oh why, do housemates continuously fall into this trap? They know any sort of sexual activity is going to be broadcast and yet they continue to canoodle under the covers, seemingly oblivious to the fact that millions of people may be watching. Mama firmly believes it would be much easier to just go for it in the house – a full-on, get your kit off and go for a bounce shag-a-thon. That way they couldn’t show it on TV. Well they might show it but they would have to pixilate all your private bits out, which could actually work in your favour if, like Mama, you’re a woman of mature years.

Anyway as Paris Hilton proved, a raunchy video of yourself can be a great career boost even if you’re nothing more than a cashed up, talentless, media whore that resembles a giraffe with breasts. Keeping that in mind, Mama’s entire back catalogue (bar those under investigation by the RSPCA) is available in VHS, DVD, Betamax and 35mm.

Now to the other housemates; Nobbi proved how much of a pig he is by making some vile comment about how Terri ‘rubs herself in the toilet’. Now quite frankly Mama doesn’t want to think or hear about a 52 year old woman doing such things, and finds the topic extremely distasteful. Nobbi you are a pig, and with each day you prove more and more that the best part of you ran down your mother’s leg.

Cherry is also turning out to be a vile pig. Not only did he call Rhianna a dog after she threw her hand grenade at him, but he also admits to keeping a diary of how many people he’s slept with. Mama admits she used to keep details of all the men she’d slept with but unlike Cherry her’s wasn’t for bragging rights. It was needed for tax purposes and she only used it for a few years and then decided it would be easier to just get a copy of the electoral roll and tick them off as she did them. Cherry, wake up to yourself you cretinous tosser!

Brigitte is still an idiot and living proof of why cousins shouldn’t marry, and Travis is still camping it up so much Mama wouldn’t be surprised if ended up being Liza Minnelli’s next husband.

Lets finish up for the week with a little Big Brother insider gossip. The vile Kyle Sandilands and the inoffensive, but still no Gretel, Jackie O have been signed for another three years as hosts of Big Brother.

Wee lady Rima was recently involved in a car accident. It wasn’t anything major and no serious injuries have been reported.

Another Reality TV favourite The Amazing Race returned to our screens last week with its usual array of colourful characters. Mama was thrilled to see married lesbian couple Kate and Pat as part of the line up. Mama was a bit concerned when they announced that these gals are also ordained ministers, but thankfully they keep the god botherin’ to a minimum.

There’s a brother and sister team who have this creepy Flowers In The Attic type of relationship that makes Mama feel uneasy. In fact she wouldn’t be surprised if these two didn’t already have some web footed, half witted offspring locked away in a basement somewhere.

Goth couple Kynt and Vyxsin certainly stand out and are likeable enough. Kynt honey, there’s a fine line between goth and drag queen and you’re one perfectly drawn eyebrow is over that line. Mama’s seen more masculine looking creatures backstage at Les Girls.

Ok kids, that’s Mama spent for the week but she will be back next week with another round up of all that’s happening in the world of Reality TV. Until then check out this classic reality TV moment from Trading Spouses – it’s an oldie but a goodie.

Be good,
Mama C.xxxx

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