Reality Bites! With Mama Catastrophe

Feature, By Mama Catastrophe, 2nd July, 2008

Mama Catastrophe is back with her unique take on all things reality TV. This week she puts the older housemates under the microscope, she ponders the odd relationships on The Amazing Race and introduces us to UK Big Brother’s own ‘Cookie Monster’.

Well kids Mama never thought she would hear the following words pass between her chemically enhanced lips but Big Brother is boring the tits off her. Usually Mama is transfixed to Big Brother but this year she is finding the whole thing as tedious as the last appointment of a ten hour shift at a brothel. The reason for this boredom – the old people in the house.

Now as far as Mama knows young people don’t go crashing old people homes in search of kicks, so she finds in quite rude that the coffin dodgers are now invading Big Brother houses. Don’t get Mama wrong, she has nothing against the wrinkly set in general. Without old ladies who would clean Mama’s house and get those stubborn stains off her 1,500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets? As for old men, let’s just say that come the end of the month and the bills are due there’s nothing better than a cashed up old man to help keep the wolves from the door. There are other situations where old people are acceptable of course, but there’s one place they have no business being in, and that’s the Big Brother house.

What were the producers thinking? The young crew aren’t going to act naturally with old codgers around. It would be like having your Mum and Dad looking over your shoulder all the time. Imagine chatting about shagging someone while Terrence, who last erection was probably the work of a faith healer, was lurking about in black speedos. Or sitting down for a girl chat with Terri to discuss some guy’s single barreled love rifle – the woman’s old enough to have been Jesus’ nanny, so the last love rifle she saw would have been akin to those used by Ned Kelly. No – having the wrinklies in the house is just stifling the young crew and in Mama’s opinion is a huge mistake.

Apart from that Mama also finds that these old people have some revolting habits – like Terrence and his farting for instance. Now kids, not many people know this but there was a dark period many years ago when Mama was forced to work as a personal care attendant in an aged care home and during this time she bore witness to the aftermath of old men farting. It’s diabolical. Imagine poor Mama, armed only with a pair of thin latex glove and some kitchen tongs, having to contend with old man underpants resembling an inkblot test. And people wonder why Mama drinks.

Terri isn’t much better in that she seems totally incapable of eating with her mouth closed. Every time the woman eats Mama is treated to views of half masticated food rolling about Terri’s gateway to hell-like mouth. It’s horrible. Mama was also quite horrified the other night when Terri was threatening to get her boobs out. Now Mama has seen old lady bosoms and they are not pretty. The main part of them sort of resembles misshapen root vegetables while the nipples take on the appearance of a ‘chocolate royal’ biscuit that’s way beyond its use by date. It’s probably best for all if you keep them tucked safely in your knickers Terri.

Another thing that bothers Mama about the oldies is what if they win? Terence is now out of the running thank god but Terri is now being tipped as a strong contender to take out the cash. What’s she going to do with the money? Buy some knitting patterns from the Cleckheaton plus size cardigan collection and some luxury 10 ply yarn? Or maybe she’ll lash out and blow a couple of hundred dollars on a complete summer wardrobe from K-Mart – imagine how many pair of crimpoline slacks, velour dressing gowns, re-enforced gusset panties and under wire bras she could get for $250,000!

Now on the other hand, the UK version of Big Brother currently screening is heaven. Their housemates are much more colourful – they have convicted drug dealer Darnell who is an ethnically black albino. He is also the scariest looking creature Mama has ever seen – honestly kids this one could hire himself out for hauntings. There’s this mad Thai woman named Kathreya who’s addicted to cookies and carries a cookie jar wherever she goes. Mickey likes to dress up in women’s clothes and do stand up comedy – he’s also completely blind. Dennis is a dance teacher who wants it to be law that everyone must wear fake tan.

Not only are their housemates better, they also have better tasks. For example the other day they made all the housemates don these hideously unflattering metallic suits that were wired up to an electrical current. Two housemates had to then run a metal loop along a length of twisted wire without the loop touching the wire and every time the loop and wire connected all the housemates received an electric shock – it was divine! People were actually crying in pain. And drama – oh my lord, Mama hasn’t seen such drama since the time she accidentally mixed a purse pack of modernly priced chardonnay with a pack of antihistamines and tried to indulge in a spot of naked Morris dancing with a group of rather startled and reluctant street performers.

So far they have had two housemates removed from the house (one for threatening other housemates with her gangster mates and the other for spitting in another housemates face). There’s bean a massive (almost violent) argument involving numerous housemates that rivaled anything you’d see on a housing commission estate. There’s also been a streaking incident and a scandal when the blind man “accidentally” put on a pair of one of the female contestants knickers – how he “accidentally” did this amazes Mama because she always thought that when you went blind your sense of smell got better. This is all in the first 27 days. Even the current US Big Brother has had better scandal than ours – young, handsome housemate James Zinkand has a gay porn past. Now as a responsible journalist Mama felt compelled to track this porn down and force herself to watch it (repeatedly) and she can assure you this porn isn’t soft core – very far from soft anything actually. Oh, the things Mama does to keep you kids informed.

Anyway a message to Big Brother’s Australian producers – a plethora of celebrity appearances, a few blue rinse set housemates, a wee lady and boring as bat excrement tasks like watching toy trains – aren’t going to cut it anymore. Make the damn show more interesting or we will begin to switch channels.

Now, speaking of switching channels, The Amazing Race is coming along nicely but Mama is still disturbed by that brother and sister team and still maintains there is something unsavory about their relationship. Mama is also bothered by that little Asian man who has “Who’s your Daddy?” printed on all his clothing. Now to hear some one say “Who’s your Daddy?” just prior to them mounting you is fine, but call Mama old fashioned but it just doesn’t seem right when you’re racing with your daughter. There’s also that dreadful whiny Lorena girl who’s doing Mama’s head in. Did you see her during the camel milking task? What a carry on! Surely it can’t be that hard to milk a camel? Isn’t it just a matter of taking the teat in your hand and squeezing until milk comes out? Surely any gal who has had to catch late night cabs should be a dab ‘hand’ at this one.

Australia’s Next Top Model finished last night and as with any good reality show it wasn’t without drama. Apparently Top Model host Johdi Meares got a case of last minute jitters about hosting the televised live finale and bailed out forcing organizers to replace her with the acid tongued unofficial queen of Botox Charlotte Dawson and frock designer Alex Perry. It seems that poor Johdi was still a bit gun shy after her appalling presenting skills at last year’s finale and couldn’t go through with the hosting gig. Bad move Jodhi, Mama hopes you kept hold of some of the cash you scored when you divorced James Packer because something tells Mama you not going to have a job at Top Model after this stunt.

The event went off pretty smoothly with 16 year old Demelza taking out this years title – a decision that has angered some viewers as they believe that Demelza (or Demelzabub as Mama called her) shouldn’t have been allowed to win because of her involvement in a bulling another Top Model contestant earlier in the series.

On the topic of models and fashion, the Australian version of Project Runway premieres on Foxtel next week and Mama is moist with anticipation. Although originally finding the whole concept of making frocks out of strange materials a bit Maria Von Trapp Vs The Drapes, Mama quickly became addicted to both the US and UK versions of the show and hopes our version doesn’t fall short like some Aussie versions of reality shows do. The hideous promos featuring such witticisms as “its sew time” and “make your sew glow” aren’t doing much to quash Mamas fears.

That’s all for this week kids but as usual Mama would like to leave you with a classic reality TV Moment. This week it’s UK Big Brother housemate Kathreya in the diary room begging for cookies – the woman is mad.

Take care
Mama C xxxx

Photos: 1. Darnell from UK Big Brother, 2. Demelza Reveley from Australia’s Next Top Model, 3. James Zinkand from US Big Brother, 4. Kathreya from UK Big Brother.

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