Reality Bites! With Mama Catastrophe

Feature, By Mama Catastrophe, 11th July, 2008

Mama Catastrophe is back with her unique take on all things reality TV. This week she sticks her Gucci heels into the Top Model shows from around the world, and the Aussie version of Project Runway. No one’s safe, especially skinny bitches!

This week Mama would like to have a chat about America’s Next Top Model. Now it’s no secret that that Mama doesn’t particularly care for thin gorgeous women. She has, on occasion, daydreamed about force feeding them lard sandwiches and using her soldering iron to perform deep pore cleansing on their flawless skin. Despite her dislike of these walking sperm receptacles for aging rock stars, Mama was absolutely addicted to the show… until now.

The problem is that Mama is sick to death of seeing the same type of girls in each cycle. In every cycle we get an uppity white ex-pageant queen who cries when they cut her hair, a plus size gal who cries because she was once so fat she needed a boomerang to put her belt on, a black gal from the ghetto who cries because she wants to win so much so she can make her Granny (who raised her) proud, a virgin who cries because, well… she’s still a virgin, and a dumb as dog shit stunner who would cry, but she’s heard that the tears might rust her face so she keeps it all bottled up.

Then there’s the obligatory black diva bitch who gets in everybody’s face mouthing threats like “Don’t make a black girl take her earrings off!”

Of course it’s not just the American version of Top Model that has its problems with the contestants. The Canadian version has it’s own fair share too! Oh My Lord! Mama thought she was watching a documentary on how to domesticate swine. These gals were a piggery on legs. Honestly whack Celine Dion’s face on top of a body that was weaned on Canadian bacon and maple syrup, then add the calves of a hockey player and ta dah! You’ve got yourself a Canadian contestant!

The Australian gals aren’t much better. They look better, but for some reason the little lasses just come across as cheap. These girls are supposed to be competing in a model contest and yet everytime they open their mouths all Mama can think of are those appalling, pissed on cheap wine slappers who invade gay bars while on hen nights. Get some class girls.

Anyhoo on to current Top Model news. The new cycle of America’s Next Top Model is slotted in to premiere in the US on September 2 with Tyra still onboard as host. Now although Mama would rather cut out her own tongue than speak ill of another human being, she sincerely hopes that Tyra has used the hiatus to lose a few pounds because quite frankly if that woman gets any fatter she’ll be taking posters instead of pictures. Honestly, if the woman gets any larger she’ll have trouble fitting in a chat room.

Britain’s Next Top Model finished this week and although the land of bad teeth and foreskins isn’t always renowned for producing ravishing beauties, this year’s winner, 18 year old Alex Evans, is an absolute stunner and should give our little Demelza a run for her money.

Another modeling show making headlines both in the UK and around the world is Britain’s Missing Top Model. For those of you who don’t know, the premise of the show it’s basically taking eight girls with various disabilities and trying to turn one of them into a successful working model. What a load of old shit! The show is nothing more than a glamorised public service announcement. They aren’t really looking for a model – all they want is a poster child for disability awareness. This became obvious when one of the more photogenic contestants was eliminated because her disability (deafness) wasn’t obvious enough. Mama is all for raising disability awareness, but doesn’t believe this is the best way to do it.

Do the producers really think that an industry that every year dismisses tens of thousands of girls for trivial reasons – like being two grams overweight or having an acne scar one would need an electron microscope to see – is suddenly going to welcome disabilities? Of course not! The headlines the show is making will guarantee the winner some modeling work, but once the novelty wears off so will the modeling offers. Except maybe for of those designers who likes using controversial images for their campaigns like Benetton did in the nineties.

Still on modeling, the auditions for the Australian version of Make Me A Supermodel have just ended and filming should begin soon. Airing on Channel 7 the show follows fourteen aspiring models who each week compete in fashion based challenges, photo shoots and catwalks. It’s similar to Top Model but it’s the viewers and not the judges that decide who’s eliminated each week. The other big difference to Top Model is that this show features both women and men! Awesome!

The American season was aired early this year and featured some rather pleasing photo shoots – especially the one of Perry (who Mama would have wrestled the boxer shorts off a cycling Mormon to get to) and Casey (pictured).

It also had the viewers glued to the screen to see if the relationship between roommates Ronnie (gay student) and Ben (“straight” Prison Guard) went any further than the mildly suggestive flirting they were both indulging in.
Jennifer Hawkins is hosting the gig and all Mama can say is “Jen honey, we hope you’ve learnt to keep your frocks in place, ‘cos if Mama sees another wardrobe malfunction from you she’ll grab your skinny ass and put it through the Safeway bacon slicer.”

Now to move way from the clothes horses and onto the clothes. Australia’s Project Runway started on Foxtel this week and so far it’s an absolute hoot. Mama wasn’t fond of a few of the contestants though. Children’s wear designer Mark Antonio was the first to annoy Mama with his ridiculous hair. It looks like Judy Jetson’s hairstyle for her junior prom and the best thing he could do with it, in Mama’s opinion, is ignite it. He’s also got this habit of rolling his eyes heavenward at the other contestants.

Self confessed bling queen, Leigh Buchanan annoyed Mama from the onset of the show when he announced that the other designers had better “sleep with one eye open”. Given that this creature is camper than Mama’s Liberace tea towel and oven mitt set, what exactly is he going to do? Wave a finger at them menacingly and break their eyebrow pencils. If that wasn’t bad enough, he then lost Mama completely when he announced that it was too early for drinking cocktails. The man is obviously straight and has no place in fashion.

Another contestant, Helen (The Frocker) Markell is also a bit of a weird rooster. She’s won more awards for making frocks than Mama has convictions for shoplifting them, yet the woman looks like she’s just stepped out K-Mart. Honestly the woman is so plain she would give an arrowroot biscuit a run for its money. She looks the type of gal who thinks sexy underwear is anything without a yard of tarpaulin in the gusset.

Of course it’s not only the designers who are a bit dodgy. Some of the frocks were not to Mama’s liking either. Street wear designer Trent made this god awful thing that reminded Mama of a mural she once painted in her own vomit after too much LSD. Student Allison threw a fright frock down the catwalk that was so vile, Mama had to retreat behind her oversized Chanel sunglasses.

Garment construction was also a problem with menswear designer Owen producing this frock that was okay, but dear god, there was so many puckers on the seams Mama thought she was looking at Calvin Klein’s waistbands at a bear underwear party!

Okay kids that’s just about all for this week but before I go, Mama supposes she should mention the laborious Big Brother. Okay then, it’s still on and it’s still boring. Mama will get back to it next week after Pamela Anderson’s been in the house. By then something exciting may have happened…

As usual Mama would like to leave you with a classic reality TV moment. This week it’s a poor lass trying to come to terms with wearing extra high heels. It’s back to the tranny training heels for this poppet! Enjoy!

Take care

Mama C xxxxx

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