Reality Bites! With Mama Catastrophe

Feature, By Mama Catastrophe, 28th July, 2008

Mama Catastrophe is back with her unique take on all things ‘Reality TV’. This week Mama says bye bye to the housemates, she casts an eye over the fashionistas and has an idea for a brand new reality show of her own.

So, Big Brother Australia took a final bow last week – is Mama alone in thinking the whole thing was a bit cheap and nasty looking this year? Previous year’s finalists had this great walk of fame as they were walked down to the studio and were reunited with their former housemates while fireworks illuminated their tear stained faces. This year they just bunged the finalists out the door, a quick hug with the former housemates, a few cheap ass sparklers went off then they were shoved into the back of convertible and driven off to the studio. Mama’s had more of a fanfare leaving a toilet block.

And what about the housemates dance routine? Oh my lord – wasn’t it just cringe worthy? Talk about a lack of rhythm – Mama’s got more rhythm, style and grace in the throes of passion then that lot did.

The big winner on the night was coffin dodger Terri who took home a healthy $250,000 to spend as she pleases. Personally Mama thinks Terri should use some of the cash to do something about that thinning hair, ‘cos quite frankly that bluish/grey tinged scalp peeking out from beneath those few remaining auburn hairs just looks manky – sort of like an old ginger tom cat with the mange.

Of course it wasn’t just the final of Big Brother for 2008, it was the final for Network Ten. Of course there are talks that Channel Nine may ressurect it, but at least in the meantime Big Brother is no more. While the show may have been condemned by many people, Mama always thought it portrayed a positive side to our youth. In 2001 we saw old fashioned, lady-like behaviour in the schoolgirl like flirtations of Andy as she dripped hot candle wax down Gordon’s chest. In 2004 we saw a respect for cleanliness by that little scamp Carlo as he stripped off naked and washed himself in the kitchen sink using the dishcloth to clean his butt. In 2002 we saw pride in one’s appearance as fashionista Kieran paraded around in those uber sexy, sweat-stained, brown underpants with the hole in the crotch. More recently, Ashley and Jon showed the hearts of true gentlemen in their much talked about wooing of Camilla. And finally who could forget Sara-Marie showing untapped engineering skills in her ability to pour a drink from a bottle held only with her boob?

Now that Big Brother has left our screens, who knows what will take its place? Given that reality TV is cheap to make and usually grabs a fair share of the ratings, it’s Mama’s prediction that Channel Ten will just whack together a new reality show. Let’s just hope its not anything as horrendous as The Hot House from 2004.

If Channel Ten is looking for ideas, perhaps they’d be interesed in Survivor – A Weekend With Mama. Ten straight men have to join Mama at her palatial home on a Friday night where they will be tucked, plucked, corseted, made-up and frocked up. They then have to survive a full weekend on the town armed only with the phone numbers of two non-English speaking taxi drivers, a blank prescription pad, a “borrowed” credit card and $10 in cash. Each contestant must drink at least five drinks every hour, not sleep and be hospitalised at least once. The contestant who returns home on the Monday morning with the least amount of ladders in their stockings wins.

Now, onto Project Runway Australia. The show was a bit strange last week in that the contestants had to make their frocks out of car parts. As far as Mama’s concerned the only time a lady should be wearing jumper leaders and frocks made out of rubber is when she’s entertaining a high court judge – not to go strolling about the street. To give the designers’ credit, the frocks were actually not too bad. They weren’t to Mama’s taste but she’s sure there’s some slapper out there who’d wear them.

Contestants Mark and Leigh are still doing Mama’s head in. Could these two carry on any more effeminately? Honestly, Mama knows some girly lads but these two take the biscuit. The Frockster, or Fat Helen as Mama has christened her, is also still bothering Mama. Apart from looking like an extra from a riot scene in Prisoner, the woman revealed a rather distasteful potty mouth this week while arguing with fellow contestant Oren over a pattern block. Mama’s never heard such language! ‘F’ this and ‘F’ that – either the woman is totally uncouth or she is trying to get her own cooking show. Whatever the reason, it’s quite undignified.

Despite her natural dislike of tall thin women, Mama is warming to host Kristy Hinze, who seems to be doing a decent job of the hosting gig. The gal gets bonus points for nabbing an old age billionaire. It may seem a bit wrong for these young gals to be sleeping with these old dudes but as Mama always says “A man can never be too old, although he can be too poor!” Now, if someone could just pass Mama a shovel and directions to the Packer Family crypt…

Project Runway USA also returned to the screens in the America this week with Tim Gunn stating that this season will keep fans guessing and will make their blood boil. God knows what this means – it’s probably just hype to get the punters in. But Mama will be watching and will let you know if they deliver or if it’s like many of the men she meets and “all talk and no stalk”.

The whole Project Runway USA crew are back this season including Nina Garcia whose position on the show’s judging panel was in question after her recent sacking as fashion director of Elle magazine. It’s not airing over here yet but should appear on Foxtel soon.

The latest America’s Next Top Model began on Foxtel last week and as Mama reported a few weeks ago, it’s heaven. That old trout Twiggy has been replaced with eighties supermodel Paulina Porizkova who is still so fierce, she makes Tyra look like one of the flying monkeys from The Wizard Of Oz – but with a bigger forehead. Keep an eye out for wannabe model Kimberly – she is the most stupid creature Mama has ever seen on the show – just as well she’s pretty!

As for The Amazing Race, last week saw Goth couple Kynt and Vyxsin eliminated which was a bit of a shame as they were probably the most likable pair out of the remaining contestants. Not to worry though, Mama’s sure there’s a Darrell Lea store out there willing to take Vyxsin on and Kynt could always bring in a couple of bucks doing make up for fledgling drag queens.

In other Amazing Race news lesbian couple Pat and Kate – they were eliminated in the second week of this current series – were legally married a couple of weeks ago in the states. The gals had originally participated in a blessing ceremony in 2004 but decided to make it official when the California Supreme Court dropped its ban on same-sex marriages in May.

Okay kids, that’s Mama nearly spent for another week, but as usual she’d like to leave you with another classic Reality TV moment. In honour of Big Brother, Mama would like to take you back to probably the most diabolical display of cashing in on one’s fifteen minutes of fame. Yes, you guessed it, it’s I’m So Excited (The Bum Dance) featuring Sara-Marie.

Even Mama didn’t buy this crap.

Take care,
Mama C xxx

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