Reality Bites! With Mama Catastrophe

Feature, By Mama Catastrophe, 28th August, 2008

When it comes to the world of reality TV Mama Catastrophe has one finger firmly on the pulse and the other on her… remote control. This week she gives us a spoonful of reality, like only she can.

So of course Make Me A Supermodel started the other week and Mama’s been moist with anticipation, given that I’m an ex model myself… I was in my younger, thinner days the face of a well known lice ointment and more recently appeared on the cover of Cow And Calf magazine. The show started with back to back episodes of the elimination rounds and as usual there was the tragic model wannabes looking to be discovered. My Lord do these people have mirrors? Mama doesn’t want to appear cruel but honestly some of this crew shouldn’t have been allowed out on the street without a muzzle. Are these people mad? Apart from being delusional their reasons for wanting to try out for these shows are also laughably unbelievable.

“My parents said I should try out.” Of course they did. They are your parents and don’t want to admit that they created a child so butt ugly that when you were younger they would take you out with them just so they didn’t have to kiss you goodbye.

“I just love fashion.” Honey buying a rah rah skirt from the Dannii Minogue collection at K-Mart isn’t fashion.

“All the guys at school say I’m hot.” This probably has more to with the hand relief you give them behind the shelter sheds than your looks honey.

“My friends told me I should try out.” Would these be the same friends that told you to wear coral lipstick with blue eyeshadow? They are mocking you.

“I get heaps of attention from the girls.” Pulling a few drunken scrubbers out of their heads on Lambrusco and sarsaparilla cocktails at your local suburban disco doesn’t really make you a sex god.

“I’ve been told I’ve got a pretty good body.” Yeah but did you notice they never mentioned your face!

The show is already stirring up a bit of controversy because of the judge’s decision to put Courtney Chircop through to the final 14. Kirsty Greenwood, Executive Officer of the Eating Disorders Foundation of Victoria stated that “Nobody healthy is naturally that skeletal and a medical opinion would have confirmed that.” Hello! A pair of working eyes could have confirmed that the child is only a couple of kilos off being put on World Vision’s books. Mama herself is quite over the whole anorexia thing – she used to live with an anorexic lass and they got on fabulously. If Mama ever wanted a second helping all she had to do was mention that the housemate was looking a like she’d put on weight and bingo – an extra dinner.

The show was on hold because of those wretched Olympic Games, but it’s back tonight. Mama’s rooting for Rhys (because once they tidy up his hair he will be divine), Sara (because she makes Mama come over all Sapphic) and Brooke (because she’s a bit of an odd bod and Mama just loves a dark horse). Ooh and Mama can confirm that there is at least one gay contestant in the final 14 but she’ll leave it to you to work out which one.

You can watch full episodes of Make Me A Supermodel on Channel Seven’s website.

America’s Next Top Model cycle 11 begins airing in the US early next month and as reported earlier this month there is going to be a transgender contestant – Isis, age 22, a program assistant from New York. Now to Mama this is nothing new – there’s been plenty of our trans-sistahs working as successful models over the years. That aside, the amount of attention it’s getting concerns Mama – there’s so much debate about this child’s transgender status and whether the public, the press or even the modelling industry are ready to fully embrace and accept a totally open transgender model.

25 years ago transsexual stunner Caroline ‘Tulsa’ Cossey (a very successful model) was nearly driven to suicide after being ‘outed’ and hounded by the tabloid press following her role as a Bond girl. Claudia Charriez who was actually disqualified from cycle 1 of America’s Next Top Model because of her trans status, was fired from her agency by legendary supermodel Janice Dickinson because she was a “a legal disaster waiting to happen” and too hard to sell. Even worse was that this incident was made public when it appeared onscreen in the season finale of Dickinson’s reality show The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, as did a photoshoot where Janice asked Claudia to dress and pose as a man. Tsk Tsk Tsk Janice.

Mama was hoping that these days things might be a bit different but already Isis is copping shit in internet forums – here’s one gem.

“This is how convoluted our society is! People are way over eager to forgo any semblance of truth and lap up lies like it’s milk. I don’t care what package this person (“Isis”) wraps HIMself in, HE is still a MAN. The bottom line is that this is a broken person who for what ever reason is not happy with HIMself and thinks that HE will obtain happiness by transforming HIMself into someone else”.

Unfortunately it’s not just the inbred redneck brigade making these comments. The Fox network came under fire from GLAAD last week after derogatory comments were made about Isis during a segment between host Gregg Jarrett and Us Weekly Editor-at-Large Ian Drew. Mama’s message to Isis – good luck girl. Do us proud!

Here’s a clip of Isis chatting about her appearance on Top Model:

Britain’s Missing Top Model, the reality show with a cast of disabled models, finished recently with 23 year old Kellie Knox taking out the prize. Having watched the complete series of this show Mama was quite horrified by the series and felt at times it was rather cruel. Sending a girl in a wheelchair to catwalk and runway class! Sending a deaf girl to a spokesmodel audition and refusing to let her sign! What’s next? Getting the Thalidomide girl to model gloves! Anyway, congratulations to Kelly and if ya’ll want to look at her pics they are in the September issue of UK Marie Claire.

Project Runway US is developing along nicely with some stand out characters. There’s Suede who talks in the third person – a trait for some reason Mama finds particularly endearing. Stella a self confessed rock chick who loves leather – she also looks like Cher on crack. There’s also this hideous little sodomite Blayne who lists his hobby as tanning and adds “alicious” to the end of every word. We also have a gay couple Wesley and Daniel competing against each other. There are no stand out contenders for the title yet but Mama has high hopes for this week’s episode where the designers have to make frocks designed for and modelled by some wild looking drag queens.

In other reality TV news, Channel Nine have picked up the rights to make Big In Japan. It’s basically where contestants from Australia will be whisked away to Japan where they will live together and each day compete on a Japanese game show similar to Takeshi’s Castle with the loser being eliminated. Mama has just finished watching the American version I Survived A Japanese Game Show and it’s quite amusing to watch people perform humiliating stunts while crowds of Japanese folk hoot and cheer.

Pamela Anderson’s new show Girl On The Loose has just started airing in the US and Pammy is adamant it’s not a reality show. Okay love, you have a camera crew following you around filming your day to day life – what exactly is it then? Mama watched the first episode – it’s pretty boring actually, but then again anything Pammy’s put on film without Tommy’s considerable ‘assets’ hasn’t impressed Mama.

Channel Seven is airing The Apprentice UK sometime soon and if you liked the US version you’ll love this one. It’s a much better show. The boss Alan Sugar is much more likable and the contestants have some fabulous fights.

Channel 4 in the UK have just started there new reality show Make Me A Christian where non-Christian contestants give up their normal lives and attempt to live like Christians for three weeks. The show is hosted by the Reverend George Hargreaves who thinks Britain is in a state of moral decline and that a return to a more ‘Christian’ way of life would stop the rot. The contestants include a lesbian, a guy who got his girlfriend pregnant, a Muslim guy and a lap dancing witch – it’s heaven. Can Mama sign up for season 2?

In other news, Cycle 9 America’s Next Top Model contestant Bianaca was arrested after a ful-on brawl with Nikki Blonsky (Tracy from Hairspray The Movie ). Apparently the two got into an altercation at Providenciales International Airport and ended up with both being arrested for assault with actual bodily harm, which carries a maximum two-year sentence.

Okay kids, that’s it for Mama again this week but as usual she’d like to leave you with a classic reality TV moment. It’s a clip from the Flavor Of Love dating show where two contestants demonstrate true class.

Take care
Mama C xxxx

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