In 2004 about 22,500 men spent time in Australia’s gaols, representing roughly 96% of the entire country’s prison population. Over 50% of all prisoners at this time were males aged between 20 and 34 – that’s a pretty startling statistic.
It’s ironic that prison life is so often romanticized in gay pornography as the ultimate sexual fantasy. The oppression gay men experience in the outside world is only amplified within the prison environment, as is the likelihood of violence and rape.
Still, we’ve all seen how things pan out in such films – Prisoner A mouths off at Prisoner B whilst washing dishes in the kitchen, there’s a poorly choreographed scuffle, clothing is torn and then both men receive a stern ‘dressing down’ by a couple of buff, tightly uniformed guards. Of course with most things, the fantasy rarely mirrors the reality. It does beg the question though, how does life behind bars really look for a gay man?
“Oh my God, I’m glad I’m on the psych floor of this prison because I’ve been having the worst suicidal idiations you can possibly imagine. These motherfuckers need to give me back my psych meds or I just know I’m gonna kill myself. I have these suicidal thoughts now whenever I close my eyes and it’s like being sucked into this dark tunnel… Prison sucks. Life sucks.”
Bill is a young American gay man who is sitting in federal prison until 2010 for selling crystal meth to gay boys in New York City. He might be sitting in an American gaol cell but the loneliness of his predicament is universal. As Bill details in letters to his best friend Scott, survival in prison requires diplomacy, the ability to travel under the radar and a good deal of clarity – which can be thin on the ground for many of us at the best of times.
“I’ve become completely attached to my portable radio and I use it as a defence against people coming up and trying to talk to me. Hopefully that won’t get my ass kicked. People here are on a hair trigger most of the time and everybody is fucking nuts so that makes it even worse. This completely deranged alleged bankrobber/kidnapper was put in here a few days ago and he seems to have taken a real liking to me. When he sees me coming … he likes to call out “here comes my girl” and while playing cards the other day he told this other inmate that I was his little bitch. I’m not really sure what I should do about this since right now he is obviously kidding but there is more to it than that. I’m worried that I’m going to need to kick his ass, which [is] out of the question, or try to reason with him which, since he is clearly nuts, will be really difficult and could still result in violence.”
As torturous as the culture within the prison is itself, surely the denial of access to ones previous life has to be the worst punishment of all. As Scott, Bill’s best friend told Same Same, “I think it’s extremely important that people living on the outside try to understand just what happens to those who find themselves on the inside. Not only are they the objects of abuse both from other prisoners and also from the system itself, but they also often go through the phenomenon that Bill and I like to refer to as the ‘out of sight out of mind death.’ This is an interesting condition that manifests itself when a person gets sent to prison and even his or her closest loved ones begin to view the prisoner as no longer among the living. The free drift away and get on with their lives leaving the prisoner to fend for themselves. I can tell you that even with my almost daily contact with Bill over the last two plus years I’ve felt the tug of this condition from time to time and have had to force myself to resist it.”
For many, knowing someone out there is thinking of them is the closest thing to freedom or love that they’re likely to experience in their day to day lives. As Bill writes to Scott, “Your letters inspire me … and keep me so entertained and distracted that I don’t want to think about killing myself. You can’t imagine how important [that] is for me… Other than waking up to this misery that I’ve brought on myself, your letters are the only things I do count on.”
The Pampered Prisoner and Gay Prisoners are two sites that exist for gay prisoners who are looking for companionship on the outside. For many prisoners, sites like these have given them a second chance of finding love, prisoners such as Larry Alan Crump in West Liberty, Kentucky. He’s only 22 years old, a Taurus and loves music by Creed, Incubus, Nickelback and Mariah Carey. He describes himself not as a bad apple, but as “an apple that fell into a pile of shit.” His profile makes mention of his convictions, which include two counts of second degree escape, theft by taking over $300, receiving stolen property, wanton endangerment and first degree fleeing police. We also get a glimpse into the heart of a young, confused gay man who has so much to give, and is paying a high price for past mistakes.
“My family is very religious and does not approve of my lifestyle; but they still … love me. I cannot help who I am. I would describe myself as a hopeless romantic… I love to give and receive massages. I enjoy cooking. I am very spontaneous… I had a problem with running from my problems, thus the two escape charges and two car thefts… I miss being loved. I’ve never been able to fully come out … due to my parents’ beliefs. Now that I am an adult, I want someone to open up with me and help me to … find myself.”
Larry’s is just one sad story among many – so many roads in, so few roads out.
No gay specific prisoner penpal site exists within Australia, although a NSW based association called Jail Mail aims to change all that. Feeling an urge to write? Jail Mail can be contacted on mxp@bigpond.net.au, 02 9832 2211 or Jail Mail, PO Box 355, Gladesville NSW 1675. Or you can contact Bill through his blog at www.billinexile.blogspot.com
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