SameSame.com.au ~ Inside Out Australia

Reaching out to loved ones around the world has never been easier – it’s cheaper to call overseas these days, more of us are now on email and using social networking sites like Facebook and Myspace, or online video calling programs like Skype. In many ways our world is shrinking. So does a long distance relationship pose fewer issues than it used to?

A holiday fling can quickly become a deep emotional connection – you’re far from home, free from the everyday, surrounded by potential. Anything seems possible when you’re traipsing the desert of Mexico, cruising the Adriatic coast, or sipping coffee on the banks of the Seine. But then you fly home, back to reality. Perhaps you were already settled with someone special, and one of you lands that perfect job on the other side of the country.

Negotiating a relationship when your lives are just suburbs apart is not without its troubles, but setting boundaries when you are states, countries or even a world apart can feel close to impossible. What are the expectations? What are the rules? What if everything changes? Do you remain monogamous, and if not, what are the rules so that the relationship remains where you want it to be?

Noted US psychologist, Dr Gregory Guldner works with couples separated via defence service. According to his recent research long distance relationships do not break up at any greater rate than geographically close couples. “Multiple studies comparing LDRs to geographically close couples find the same rates of breaking up over time. These studies have measured relationship quality and compared couples in LDRs to those in geographically close relationships. Couples in LDRs report identical levels of relationship satisfaction, intimacy, trust and commitment.”

Some couples manage to love across the divide with varying degrees of success. Andrew* went on a journey to London to further his professional skills in a country that is the best place for doing so. Whilst there he met and fell in love with his ideal man. Fast forward two years and Chris needed to come home to his family and friends, and that meant leaving his love behind. In the six months after his return, Andrew and Didier* talked about Didier coming to Australia to work and live. But with all of the phone calls, and endless emails, Andrew missed Didier. On a whim he flew back to London to visit, and found Didier with a new live-in lover. He swore it was only physical and that he loved Andrew, but Andrew returned to Australia with a broken heart and a hefty credit card debt. Andrew says “we never set any boundaries around sex. We were so focussed on working through visas and employment that we never talked about the physical part of our relationship.” Whilst Andrew remained monogamous, Didier obviously didn’t. “That was our failing” says Andrew. “We never set it up from the word go.”

On the other end of the scale, Chris* met Tyson* at Mardi Gras. They had a three week fling before Tyson had to return to the USA, but before they parted, they sat and talked about the future. They wanted to give a long term relationship a go. A few months later Chris flew to the US to see Tyson for an extended holiday. Tyson needed to stay in the US to finish his degree so he could move to Australia, and before Chris flew back, they set very definite boundaries around their sex lives and what could happen. The rules were simple. If they had sex with some one else, it was only once, and the other had to be told. It happened a few times for both of them and the relationship has managed to remain on track.

So what are the boundaries that you should set? What is to be learned from the experience of these couples? Ask anyone who’s ever given it a go and they’ll tell you that it all comes down to communication, expectations and working out boundaries.

Communication: Being apart reinvents the communication process and sometimes causes one to give more thought to their emotions. How often will you talk? What mediums work best? Are you letter-writing types, or do you prefer to webcam? Can you turn the distance into a positive, and become more effective communicators?

Set Boundaries: Discuss what you’re comfortable with, preferably before you’re separated. It’s easier to negotiate these things face to face, rather than waiting until there’s miles between you. What’s realistic and fair to expect from each other? Try to be as sure as you can about what you’re doing, and why you’re both doing it. It’s wise to know that you are embarking on this process for the right reasons.
Turn to your friends: Bring friends onboard to help you keep active socially, and who will ensure that even at your weakest moment, that your commitment to one another remains as you had arranged.

Make time for each other: Set some time boundaries, agree to talk/email/chat online for the same period of time each day or thereabouts so that your communication remains open and most importantly, honest. In some circumstances the separation is only temporary, and an end date can help keep both parties on track. Indefinite separation can be tougher, and requires both people to really know what they want, and why.

Plenty of clichés come to mind – “the course of true love never did run smooth”, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”… Fundamentally, just try and enjoy it. You may be apart, but you’re still in love, and that’s not easy to find!