Robbing The Cradle on SameSame.com.au

Following on from last month’s article on age gaps in relationships, one Same Samer muses on the pros and cons of “robbing the cradle”.

As a 40 year old gay man I’ve had a number of successful relationships, most of them with guys younger than me. The longest running and most successful of these went for two and a half years – that’s like silver anniversary in gay years, right? – and was with a guy nine years my junior. Currently I’m single and for the past two years I’ve been dating guys who are younger than me, in some cases up to 18 years younger. It’s not like I go out specifically hunting for younger guys, it just seems to work out that way. So while we’re having fun and enjoying the dating game, when it comes to actually having a “relationship” all seems doomed.

It begs the question – is it just because of the age difference that this happens?

Craig and Graham have been together for 18 years. They have an 11 year age difference – one is mid 40s the other mid 50s. To this day they are still blissfully in love. About five years ago the sex side of the relationship wore off, which happens with couples – gay or straight – who have been together for so long. They agreed to open up the relationship, so long as some strict boundaries were adhered to and believe that this has actually strengthened their relationship, saying that their trust in each other is much stronger than ever before. They tell me they are looking forward to at least another 18 years together.

There’s an awful phrase that sometimes gets thrown around: “chopsticks and walking sticks”. It refers to an older white man who has a much younger Asian boyfriend. In some cases these relationships are for visa purposes, but at the end of the day both parties get something out of it. The younger guy gets a new chance at a better life and the older guy gets some companionship and even affection for an undetermined time. Yes, there are some guys that take off as soon as they get their permanent residency, but others stick around.

Ling and Trevor have been together for over ten years. They met overseas and Trevor brought Ling back to Australia and sponsored him. Ling is now approaching 40 whilst Trevor is almost 70. Ling feels he owes so much to Trevor and has no plans to leave him, despite the fact that Trevor is suffering from very bad health, and Ling feels that he may need to spend the next ten years or more of his life playing nurse. He does feel that he is missing out on the chance to have a “life” but he believes a commitment is a commitment, no matter what the age or circumstance.

So is the problem actually when the generations are too different? We hear a lot of talk about Baby Boomers vs Gen X vs Gen Y and how much they clash. What would happen if you mixed, say, a Baby Boomer with a Gen Y?

Franco and Barry have been together for just on eight years. Franco is from overseas but immigrated to Australia in 2000. They have a 24 year age difference; Franco is late 20s and Barry almost 60. At first Franco was attracted to his older partner’s knowledge, financial position and status in the community, however as time went on they both ended up cheating. About a year ago things started looking up – they starting talking through their problems. However Franco recently admitted that the generation gap is starting to widen – he’d rather go out and party all night while Barry would rather sit home with a cup of Horlicks and a good book. Franco’s career and social life is just beginning, yet Barry’s looking at retirement. Right now they’re at the crossroads.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. There are always exceptions to every rule – like Jack and Anthony. Jack is 35; Anthony is in his late 60s. They’ve been together over 10 years and are still madly in love, they don’t fight, they compliment each other perfectly, and their sex life is still healthy, happy and monogamous. They both share similar interests and work at being a part of each others ‘generation’, and this seems to be the secret to their longevity.

Meanwhile, as for me, I’ve recently I met a guy 15 years younger than me. We have similar interests and we enjoy each other’s company… Will it all end in tears? Only time will tell.

Other articles in the series:
Bridging The Age Gap
Golden Age of the Silver Fox