Here’s the lowest of the low. Shield your ears as we reveal our final few – the Worst Pop Songs of All Time.
Hundreds of our readers voted, and we painstakingly counted and tallied all of them. Every song on our Bottom 50 list received dozens of votes each – and the final few shown below each got well over one hundred votes each. Sorry Beiber.
Now at last it’s time to find out which songs YOU picked as the worst ever. You have been warned – press ‘play’ on these clips at your peril!
#10 – MMMBop – Hanson
Easily one of the biggest selling tracks on the whole list, somehow it also ended up being regarded as one of the ten worst. What happened? Was it the cherubic Fraggle Rock styling? The fact that it tried to introduce the term ‘Mmmbop’ as a unit for the measurement of time? Or just the fact that, like herpes, once that nonsensical chorus was in your head you were never free from it again? Probably all of the above.
For a while in some American schools, it became a trend for this song to be played on loop until enough money was donated for various charities. But, either way, there’s no denying that sugary sweet and utterly joyous piece of pop rock (originally recorded as a ballad) is still a guilty pleasure for as many as it is musical torture for the rest of us.
#9 – Whip My Hair – Willow Smith
If there was an award for the most age inappropriate song on this list, we’d be looking at the winner right here. Seriously, listening to the nine year old spawn of two Hollywood superstars bang on about “the haterz” and her “getting her swag on” almost gives you pause to call Child Protection Services right here and now. After all, the last thing the world needs right now is another Lindsay Lohan. If only this had’ve been the comeback single for someone like Rihanna instead, the world would have been a better place.
Thankfully, her career seems to have stalled since this song, allowing Miss Smith to get back to the important business of being a normal child and the rest of us to stop whipping our hurrrrrr back and forth in an attempt to get this annoying tune out of our collective heads.
#8 – The Ketchup Song – Las Ketchup
The ode to tomato sauce that no one ever wanted or needed. Or, as a painfully exhausting (but ultimately fruitless) attempt to dissect the lyrics unearthed, possibly just a tale of some devious dude going to a club and asking the DJ to play a beloved Hip Hop track. Really, it’s quite hard to tell.
Spanglish has been responsible for some of the most amazing moments in modern pop history (Shakira’s small but humble breasts come to mind), but this nonsensical piece of musical gibberish surely isn’t one of them. This somehow managed to be the highest selling Dutch single of the last decade. Clearly that must not be that hard to do – maybe Bec Cartwright should start recording over there instead?
#7 – Just The Way You Are (Drunk at the Bar) – Brian McFadden
Like Elves, Gremlins and Eskimos, it’s hard to believe this song even exists. Sounding like a hoedown at a rave club, it takes the worst of both genres, swishes them around and then decides to throw in some extreme white dude rapping for good measure.
Clearly recorded after a drunken night out spent listening to Steps line dancing classic 5,6,7,8 with Kyle Sandilands, it’s hard to believe that this wasn’t released on 1st April as some sort of musical practical joke. When the date rape controversy courting lyrics are the single LEAST offensive part of your song, you know you have serious problems.
#6 – Stars Are Blind – Paris Hilton
2006 was an important year in the Hilton mass media juggernaut. Having already conquered the worlds of reality TV, fashion and, umm, DIY porn, Paris decided to turn her (apparently tone deaf) ear to the world of music and released this summery piece of autotuned reggae fun.
Unlike some other tracks on the list, this one at least isn’t categorically awful. Mostly, it’s a cute, catchy track, albeit one autotuned within an inch of its life, delivered with complete and utter calculated vapidity by the Pia Zadora of the modern age. If Britney Spears had’ve gotten her grubby little bald hands on it instead, we could be looking at pop gold.
#5 – Who Let the Dogs Out? – Baha Men
There are a lot of questions as old as time. What is the meaning of life? Who indeed let the dogs out? How did this abomination of a song not end up higher on the list? Surprisingly, in addition to regularly making sports fans’ ears bleed for over a decade now, it also managed to somehow win a Grammy in 2000. For Best Dance Recording of all things. Clearly the year 2000 wasn’t a shining beacon for all things in the field of Doof Doof.
#4 – Friday – Rebecca Black
What better week to release a definitive list of the worst songs of all time than the very same week that YouTube sensation Rebecca Black touched down in Australia? Hopefully she’s not crying into her bowl of cereal (cereal) somewhere when she reads our list though.
When most girls turn thirteen, their parents buy them a pet, or some new clothes or, you know, a new nose or something. Instead, for a mere $4,000 flat fee, the Blacks managed to buy daughter Rebecca a place in music history. As for the song itself, it’s hard to know where to start. Is it the super cheesy amateur hour video or the fact that it features more autotune than every song on the Paris Hilton debut album combined that makes is so ear splittingly awful?
In all fairness to Black, who has proven to be both an adept vocalist and a surprisingly charming well adjusted media personality in Friday’s aftermath, it’s probably the completely vapid lyrics that have secured its place in pop infamy. An inane stream of consciousness tale recounting the most mundane of schooldays, it functions more as a half finished instructional guide for teaching Kindegardners the days of the week than as any sort of real songwriting substance.
#3 – Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus
Before there was Miley Cyrus, there was Billy Ray. And while Miley’s biggest musical crime was, well, her habit of “just being Miley”, Cyrus Snr has a musical rap sheet a mile long. None more egregiously offensive than this – a country music crossover smash hit that repopularised everything from line dancing to the rocking of mullets worldwide. And that’s not even touching on his propensity for flannel, tank tops and the most upsetting men’s hairstyle this side of Michael Bolton. That being said, lets see if little Miley ever manages to record something so painfully unforgettable.
#2 – Baby – Justin Bieber
Teenage lesbians have been sorely under represented in the pop landscape for the past decade (Tatu – come back, all is forgiven!), so it was a breath of fresh air last year when Justin Bieber burst onto the scene. With a trendy butch haircut, asexual clothes and adorably girlish vocals, young ladies everywhere a much needed role model. Unfortunately, it turned out Bieber was actually just a prepubescent teenage boy and it all went a bit tits up.
Luckily a whole new army of teenage girls embraced Bieber as their hero and the biggest teen idol since The Beatles was born. However, one demographic’s musical treasure was trash for, well, pretty much every single other person alive with functioning ears.
#1 – Crazy Frog – Axel F
Most of the songs that made this list have some qualities that make them redeemable, at least in the eyes and ears of small pockets of fans spread over the world. Not so this, which in a brief moment of almost worldwide insanity that occurred in 2005, managed to top almost every chart in existence.
Basically, it’s an epileptic ringtone having a psychotic breakdown and is the general sound of an impending apocalypse, provided by the single most annoying cartoon character known to mankind (like Scrappy Doo up all weekend on crystal meth). Everything about this song is literally just THE WORST.
There you have it! Thanks to the hundreds of Same Same readers who voted, and thanks to all the artists who participated by releasing such incredible and unforgettable songs.