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Image for It seems I'm a seat-warmer

It seems I'm a seat-warmer

Nic finds that guys he gets interested in suddenly end up settling down with a special someone else. Will this cupid ever find his own man?


A couple of weeks ago, there was a guy I was hooking up with. We weren’t dating, nor were we sleeping together, but every time we saw each other out we managed to end up together at some stage. Either way, my history with this person is irrelevant; the bottom line is that there was something pretty fresh going on.

This week, I discovered (through trusty old Facebook) that he now has a boyfriend.

I was a little bit shocked, mainly because I had no idea he was even seeing anybody, but through further investigation it seems as if they are totally shacked up.

It’s not so much that I’m upset he is now taken – I’ve known him for a long time and my feelings for him have never been strong enough to warrant making a move. We had talked about dating, but he was always adamant he wasn’t ready to start seeing someone as he had broken off a long term, on/off-again relationship a few months ago (you know the kind).

I didn’t like him, but I didn’t not like him.

Anyway, after I stopped trying to make the situation look less tragic than it was, I slowly realised it was likely that I was the one who changed his mind about dating again. Great.

Looking back on my dating history – which has been rather dry in 2011 – it’s not the first time this has happened.

Back in March I went on a few dates with a guy who I got pretty comfortable with. Being quite a bit older than me, he was apprehensive to open up emotionally, so we took it slow.

The fling fizzled (mutually and organically), and two weeks later I bumped into him getting dinner on Oxford Street. Not so lucky that I was dining by myself that night. After a mini-conversation, he introduced me to the guy he was with. ‘This is my boyfriend.’

WTF? Is it just me? Does this happen to a lot of people? I’m sure I’m not alone (figuratively).

It’s not even a case of these guys pretending not to be ‘ready’ for a relationship as an excuse and it’s not a case of me being particularly keen on settling down either.

It’s more the fact that with guys I can see a future with, no matter how preliminary, I set boundaries like no sex for a few dates, with no intention other than to explore the possibility of something more permanent, and it seems I inadvertently warm these guys up for other boys to commit to.

So there it is: I’m a relationship seat-warmer. Not a great title to have, but I’m not too fussed; and at the risk of sounding like the biggest gay-boy twat ever, I’m pretty happy with single life.

What I’ll do if it happens again? I’ll always have Ab Fab re-runs and cheesecake. Sigh.

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Comments

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newbsterau

newbsterau said on the 9th Nov, 2011

Being 'not not interested' is not the same as being 'interested' in a guy. Could it be that you're not actually happy being single and that you are in fact looking for a relationship? I mean you do seem more upset that he got a guy and you didn't than you are that he moved on. As for the last few lines about how great single life is, it reminds me of Aesop's fable of The Fox and The Grapes :)

VladTheImpaler

VladTheImpaler said on the 9th Nov, 2011

This has happened to me quite a few times. I'm the insignificant person they saw before they met THE LOVE OF THEIR LIFE who they bought a dog with and a house and decided to get engaged. As long as it all fails for them (and it usually does after a number of years), I'm happy.

Roses

Roses said on the 9th Nov, 2011

better single than sorry : /

lilboyblue87

lilboyblue87 said on the 9th Nov, 2011

Preach! I'm James and I'm a relationship seat-warmer. I especially love it when I tell the guy he is boyfriend material for him to deny it... then after a few weeks of our separation he gets into a relationship.

brodes13

brodes13 said on the 9th Nov, 2011

I think gays never really know what they want. They are never sure if settling down is the right idea, and have a massive fear of missing out. Sometimes if you meet a guy you like, its best to say, I like you - how about it? Theres no shame in finding out where you stand, and you are better off knowig if they arent interested so you can re-gain control of the situation, and make with it what you will. I was there 3 years ago - so totally understand where you are at! :) x

Matt Akersten

Matt Akersten said on the 9th Nov, 2011

Sometimes you don't really know if you like a guy all that much or not. Then when they go off with someone else a part of you thinks DAMN! Missed out!

nicholland

nicholland said on the 10th Nov, 2011

haha Thanks. Hope it doesn't sound like I'm whinging, was more meant in a 'Liz Lemon' sort of way

davewb

davewb said on the 27th Nov, 2011

Same here :(. Why is it so hard for us gay men to have a long lasting committed relationship? Perhaps it's because society restricts how males interact with each other - not allowed to discuss our deep emotions

Iratei

Iratei said on the 29th Nov, 2011

OK some rebuttals to your article to generate discussion.

You start off saying you were hooking up with this guy but not sleeping together. I don't understand. You were only jerking him off and no penetrative 'sleeping together' sex?

I have never EVER understood the 'no sex' principle. What if this fantastic guy who you are dating and not having sex with is extremely bad in bed or deformed in some way downstairs? I know it is honourable to say that you wouldn't change a thing, or this wont change the relationship, but it will and you will feel like the c**t when after all that abstinence, your expectations were false and now you have a great caring guy whom you are not compatible sexually with and you don't know how to break it to him/her.

it's no harder for gay men to have long lasting relationships, it's symptomatic of today's society and is not restricted to our sexual identities as much as one would think.

I'm at a stage in my life where I could not give two hoots about being in a relationship. I have been like this for a long time but only recently have I become happier with this, mainly because I have been utlisiing my ability as a gay man to have indiscriminate, NSA sexual encounters. I am yet to explore the culture of beats and cruising but am very curious to do so.

Rather than this indiscriminate sex being a weakness, I think it is a strength. It helps us sidestep the usual game-playing and foolishness of dating and relationship protocol and get straight to the knitty-gritty.

God knows this will change when I'm older !!!

andrewc

andrewc said on the 29th Nov, 2011

Being happy with Single is a good thing... there are too many out there looking for the perfect man *cough* Tyson *splutter* Worst Date Ever thread *cough* and being continuously distraught by their apparent absence.

Either I'm totally disenchanted and well on my way to being a bitter old queen, or simply I am happy in myself and can handle life without a permanent partner! I like to think it's the latter, but I'm sure many would disagree...

One more thing... put the fork down and walk away from the cheescake!

nickdisco

nickdisco said on the 29th Nov, 2011

Wow, this is depressing.

In particular the comments.

If this is any help.

I have been with my partner for over 2 years. During this period I was training in Syd for 3 months - but we made it work, I had a brain injury and nearly died - and he still found me cute shaved head and all, and he is studying his arse off but we make time for each other.


I think what I am getting at is when it is going to work it will work and you just know.

Oh and dont let the bitches get you down.

Iratei

Iratei said on the 30th Nov, 2011

rather make the bitches go down on you!

nickdisco

nickdisco said on the 30th Nov, 2011



Ahh see I feel this is where boys get into trouble.

Too much thinking with their dicks.

Doolander

Doolander said on the 30th Nov, 2011

Ahh see I feel this is where boys get into trouble.

Too much thinking with their dicks.

Agreed!
It's interesting the amount of bravado trying to be displayed by fella's who are just out for the next shag, because they're enjoying their sexuality....
I mean it's fine, to an extent isn't it? But when does it cross the line into narcissism? And at what/or who's cost is it worth to them?
You can only go so long thinking only of yourself before you end up somewhere you may not like and start to wonder how you got there.... Worse yet, you've not a soul left around who's willing to help you find your way back....

Who's cost is it then?

Iratei

Iratei said on the 1st Dec, 2011

^
I understand your viewpoints.

To be completely honest with myself I have to say I am not out there just for the next shag, but I want to be.

silver_lavender

silver_lavender said on the 1st Dec, 2011

I only recently came to terms with being gay and realised it was okay to be gay. It didn’t even occur to me I would have a boyfriend. So I’m not too fussed. I have a fucking great life. I have pretty much everything I need to be happy. Moreover, I don’t need a boyfriend; I want a boyfriend. But if it doesn’t happen I’m okay. Though, it would be nice because I get lonely at times and occasionally lose my mind :p

Iratei

Iratei said on the 1st Dec, 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHcMqOQt4NY

Rodd

Rodd said on the 11th Jan, 2012

Ahh, so it does happen to other people, there must be enough of us for our own club by now....maybe we should get our own tshirt made up! ;) lol

I'm always amused when someone you've started seeing says they're not ready for a relationship...followed by the inevitable 2 weeks after you've gone your separate ways they suddenly have a boyfriend...WTF.

Yes, it's a massive compliment that I have given you faith that there are some good men out there, yay...'streamers and balloons drop from the ceiling Moment!'....now take off your damn blinkers and realise I'm one of them!

Seriously, I'm the blonde, I'm meant to be the bimbo and I see it! lol

Ahh, you can either take it personally, and that sadly can lead to bitterness or mistrust of guys...yes, I did that 'phase'....no, there is no tshirt for that one, it would prob just be black on black! ;) .....or just realise that you aren't meant to be with that person...and hey, if they can't see how great you are, then you def deserve better. :)

Singledom is fun, you have a lot of free time for yourself, family and friends and coupledom is too as you have that special someone to share all of that with.....either way, it's about being content with what you have now....and occasionally giving those dumb ass guys a slap on the head when they can't see how darn great you are (I like that part the best!). :)

PS. newbsterau, love the Aesop reference, but I think Nic's taking the optimist's outlook on it all. :)

MrAsh

MrAsh said on the 18th Feb, 2012

Agreed!
It's interesting the amount of bravado trying to be displayed by fella's who are just out for the next shag, because they're enjoying their sexuality....
I mean it's fine, to an extent isn't it? But when does it cross the line into narcissism? And at what/or who's cost is it worth to them?
You can only go so long thinking only of yourself before you end up somewhere you may not like and start to wonder how you got there.... Worse yet, you've not a soul left around who's willing to help you find your way back....

Who's cost is it then?

This is a bit preachy and patronising Doolander? Not all guys who just want to shag around are self centrered narcissists. Guys who constantly seek romantic relationships or whinge that they can't meet a guy who will committ to a long term romantic relationship can be self centred narcissists as well.

Dsquare

Dsquare said on the 19th Feb, 2012



Bitch from hell. I was just gonna post I'd rather be a seat warmer than a seat sniffer.

Great minds think alike.

museboy

museboy said on the 26th Feb, 2012



The grass is always greener. When I was single I wanted a partner terribly - now at the tail end of my six-year relationship I realise how much I missed being single! Is there a middle ground - are polyamorous relationships the way?