Im Confused???

[Happy to be me]

Any thoughts on what a lesbian actually is?

Ive been attracted to girls for years but flirted like crazy with guys cause i thought thats what was normal.

I married my best friends brother cause he asked me..

sex was really not great and we lived like housemates.

I just got divorced and realized its ok to be me.

And really girls are so sweet ,pretty & gorgeous why would you not be attracted to them? Penises really are ugly and are just for stimulation!

So im comming out and want some tips for a newbie...

xo ;)



I

[Baby]

LOL good question!

I would say a lesbian is someone who is attracted to women, always has been, and has never been attracted to men. Then you have degrees of bisexuality - some women prefer other women but have some attraction to men, some are 50/50, some are mainly attracted to men but are attracted to women now and then. Some people kind of float back and forth feeling more attracted to one gender, then the other.

At the end of the day they are just labels and I know married women who call themselves lesbians, but to me a lesbian is someone attracted to women only. You kind of sound like a lesbian Happy To Be Me, you just got married because it was the thing to do! I was in love with someone exactly the same, but she was too comfortable in the socially acceptable hetero marriage.

[sookey]

LOL good question!

I would say a lesbian is someone who is attracted to women, always has been, and has never been attracted to men. Then you have degrees of bisexuality - some women prefer other women but have some attraction to men, some are 50/50, some are mainly attracted to men but are attracted to women now and then. Some people kind of float back and forth feeling more attracted to one gender, then the other.

At the end of the day they are just labels and I know married women who call themselves lesbians, but to me a lesbian is someone attracted to women only. You kind of sound like a lesbian Happy To Be Me, you just got married because it was the thing to do! I was in love with someone exactly the same, but she was too comfortable in the socially acceptable hetero marriage.


Ok so now i am confussed!!!!
I was always with males up until the age of 17. I was attracted to women though. Then at 17 i met my current partner and we have been together ever since. She was married and neither of us has wondered back over to the other side.
I consider myself as a lesbian, as does my partner.
So does this mean that i am actually not a lesbian?? I don't mean this post in a mean way or trying to be a smartarse, i am actually wanting to know!

That said.......................... i do not believe in gay, straight or bi. I believe you fall in love with a person, not a gender.

[Happy to be me]

ta guys i have clarity now ,i just have no idea how to start ..like how do you know who is and isnt?
i have reasonably good gaydar but not sure re whole party scene im one of those girls who has to have a bond first...

lily x:o ;)

[just_dance]

hey lily :) i hear ya on the party scene thing! I don't see how people can meet someone and just go home with them.

Truth is, you can't really tell who is and isnt gay. tho most of us have a certain look and Baby will tell you that we all have a particular jaw line lol (we've spent a few hours discussing it ;-] ) Best way to meet some girls is research gay/lesbian groups. dance classes are fun and I know Sydney has a few same sex dance classes. Make friends with other lesbians/gays and they may introduce you to someone who catches your eye :) I met a girl I like at a dance class over here in Perth and while we're not dating yet, we're really good friends :)

Sara xx

[Baby]

Hi Sara!!!!!

Yes, there is a difference in the jawline, and around the eyes. If I was one of those computer geniuses I'd design a program that measured the points in the face and I'm telling you gays and lesbians have a different face shape to straights. Also physically, lesbians tend to have a more androgynous shape whether they are big or small.

[Baby]

Ok so now i am confussed!!!!
I was always with males up until the age of 17. I was attracted to women though. Then at 17 i met my current partner and we have been together ever since. She was married and neither of us has wondered back over to the other side.
I consider myself as a lesbian, as does my partner.
So does this mean that i am actually not a lesbian?? I don't mean this post in a mean way or trying to be a smartarse, i am actually wanting to know!

That said.......................... i do not believe in gay, straight or bi. I believe you fall in love with a person, not a gender.

Well I think it depends whether you were attracted to the males, or if you were just with them because it was the social thing to do. Ellen DeGeneres had boyfriends but I don't think she was ever actually interested in men. If you were genuinely attracted to those boys then you're probably bisexual, but if you just dated them because it was highschool and everyone has boyfriends but you really liked girls, then you're a lez!

[Happy to be me]

Interesting my dear Baby...Interesting!

I have a high tetosterone level but look like a door next door girl.
Thanks for the posts and ta sara i may need more info re jaw line...

[Baby]

Jaw line...in simple terms I would say lesbians have a slightly more masculine jawline. They also seem to have flatter foreheads. Bi women sometimes have a combination of these features. I need a scientist to properly study the facial points theory.

[velvety]

-stares at a mirror for a while- Really??? seriously.....really? i wouldnt say i had a masculine jaw line....hey i could be wrong....

[just_dance]

-stares at a mirror for a while- Really??? seriously.....really? i wouldnt say i had a masculine jaw line....hey i could be wrong....

i reckon it depends on ur hairstyle as to whether or not its obvious. cos i was looking at some photos from when i had med-long hair and my jaw looked nowhere near as masculine (even when it was tied up!) than it does now. if it werent impossible, id say that its gotten more masculine!

[Baby]

Velvety I've met you, you so have "the look." I could spot you a mile away.

[Happy to be me]

Ta guys...
Im thinking of going to Mardi gras but not sure about how to organise it ?
I think it would be a fun party to go to and good perve..lol!
I totally am not a one nite stand sorta girl...
Maybe i havent found the righjt person yet?
Anyone planning events for mardi gras?

xo

[gold_femme]

wow..jawline..interesting theory but god i hope not!!

straight folks think im straight

i dont care..

its all in the look you give her, wink at a butch and see what happens - smile at a babe and you never know your luck. cast your net wide my sweeties, or you may never know what you are missing out on ;)

[velvety]

Velvety I've met you, you so have "the look." I could spot you a mile away.

LOL if i have the look then how come i get confused for being straight!!! i try hard to give of that gay vibe!!! nevermind!

[Baby]

You so do give off the gay vibe so you're hanging out with a bunch of retards with no gaydar Velvety!!

[just_dance]

but saying that, baby does have a very good gaydar. only one person told me 'yeah i already knew' when i came out to them. and that was my ultra hot dance teacher that i probably checked out once too often lol. no one picked me for it. although now my dress tastes have changed and my hair is cut off (going through a 'butch' phase. maybe its permannt, who knows! lol) so except at work u can easily tell i think....

but anyway, my point is, some people may have the right face shape, but can still go undetected. just depends on ur manner and how u dress i think

[velvety]

You so do give off the gay vibe so you're hanging out with a bunch of retards with no gaydar Velvety!!

hahahahahaha i still dont think so! nevermind...its all good...i am who iam!

[Nyssa B]

That said.......................... i do not believe in gay, straight or bi. I believe you fall in love with a person, not a gender.

Does it really matter? You can say whatever you want. If you know you are into girls now, and definitely not men, then yeah, you're a lesbian. It doesn't matter what gender you have been with in the past. All that matters is now.

You can be whatever you want to be....it's not like people come up to you and say "excuse me...are you bi or lesbian? Coz i only date lesbians...."
LOL

[just_dance]

LMAO good point Nyssa. As long as someone is happy with the person they are with, it doesnt matter how they label themselves

[Happy to be me]

Does it really matter? You can say whatever you want. If you know you are into girls now, and definitely not men, then yeah, you're a lesbian. It doesn't matter what gender you have been with in the past. All that matters is now.

You can be whatever you want to be....it's not like people come up to you and say "excuse me...are you bi or lesbian? Coz i only date lesbians...."
LOL
Ta Nyssa,

I have enjoyed reading this guys !
I am shit scared of comming on to a girl and ;
1 ) She turns me down
2) She is not gay

I guess i have to bite the bullet and try. But i know how hard it is to be hurt and dont want to hurt someone else as im a newbie any ideas and experiences about dating etc ??

Lily x

[just_dance]

ooooh well i have to say i cant help u there! my ex and i just sorta 'happened' and altho i asked someone out recently... she let me down gentle by saying she prefers to let friendships naturally develop into a relationship. which kinda sucks but oh well :(

my advice? just go for it. theres no sense wasting time trying to figure it out. unless the situation calls for thought, u may as well ask them!

[Nyssa B]

the first time i went out to meet girls, was on my own to meet up with 2 lovely ladies from same same. we just had a few beers, and seriously, i just went to meet them and chat and they were kinda new too (not as new as i was). I ended up hooking up with one of them (mind you this wasnt the first girl i'd been with...and id had a small relationship with a girl when i was younger)....but she did all the work. Once i knew she was interested, it was easy.
so my advice would be to just go out and meet people. hang out with the same samers...we're pretty cool...come to sundaylicious....great place to meet people.
until you're comfortable, it's ok to let other girls do a bit of the work... :-)

[trina2004]

wow this was really not that long ago lily! You've come a long way:)

[ItsAllInTheEyes]

You have come along way Lily! wtg girl!

As for flirting with guys, we are all sexual beings whether we are male or female. I'm actually more comfortable flirting with guys than I was before, providing boundaries have already been set and they get that.

I would say a lesbian is someone who is attracted to women, always has been, and has never been attracted to men.

Well, if that's true, I'm sooo screwed!!! (or not). lol

By this reasoning, I am not a lesbian. :eek: There are varying degrees of attraction. Your 'analysis' also doesn't consider the impact of social conditioning and it certainly doesn't help our cause....recruit, recruit, recruit ;) :p

To all you lovely female lurkers out there....its never too late to become a lesbian, honest!!!

I'm (finally) very comfortable with my sexuality. I know what I am and I know who I like. :cool:

[just_dance]

I'm with you on that Eyes. It doesn't matter what you were before, if it's women you like now, you're a lesbian.

And as for Happy, you definitely have come a long way girl. We're all proud :)

[Queerdo]

The label issue is extremely divisive in the queer community which is why I use the term queer. Lesbians, gold star lesbians, bi's, faux lesbians...I've seen torrid bitch fights over labels.

I prefer to avoid labels that require proof or history analysis. It gets messy and confusing. My own history confuses the hell out of me.:rolleyes: My first sexual experimentation was with girls and I had gf's until about 14 then I started chasing boys. I'm not sure if this was my subscribing to normalisation but I was attracted to them and I had several crushes. I think as I became older I became more aware of social acceptance and I avoided acting on ss attractions because of fear of exposure.. shame. I married young, 21, perhaps my way of closing the issue. The 'issue' I don't think I actually ever really thought about, I think these were all subconscious decisions. I wasn't content or settled at all and had many affairs, with men and one woman.

hope you don't mind me inserting my coming out and getting to know you post here:p

My marriage ended at 30 and I had kissed or slept with two more women by then and still I didn't consider the question of 'what am I?' Why do I have to think of women to get off?? I've been in a monogamous relationship with my current partner since then and I told him about my experiences with women when we met and so he's always thought of me as bisexual but we hadn't actually discussed it until recently. I was actually surprised when he used that label to describe me??? I don't know how anyone could be as oblivious to their own sexual identity as I was. I guess previously I thought my options were just gay or straight and since I believed that my history said not gay, I dismissed the question and decided if not gay then straight..?? Having a label I could identify with opened a whole new world to me. It was a huge relief!

Unfortunately then finding that bisexuals are accepted by no-one, not gay or straight, has turned a happy realisation into a sad one. Just the same, it is who I am and I'm comfortable with that. I changed completely after accepting my sexuality. I realised that my ability to get everyone's approval had seriously decreased and decided to never ever again try. So I present myself the way I want to and not the way people find acceptable for a suburban mum. I went from vintage boho fashionista to soft butch! I always was a tomboy, I chose a trade and wore king gees and steel caps for years but then I suppose, decided femme was more grown up, respectable, esp after children.

Anyway I'm rambling but I think while it's important to have a way to describe yourself, labels are open to a variety of definitions, sexuality is fluid and labelling yourself is constraining. Messy and confusing. Just the same it's up to you to decide what label suits you, you're the one who has to be comfortable with it.

[ItsAllInTheEyes]

Thanks for your insight, Q. I think labels provide too much for peeps to assume, when we really should only be concerned about how we feel about ourselves and focus on whats going to make us happy without trying to live a label. I've lived a constricting straight label long enough ;)

Like you, I was married. I did wonder if I was Bi. Once I started looking at my own sexuality, the gates opened so to speak and I don't believe I will ever sleep with another man again. Therfore, I identify as Lesbian rather than Bi. I think if my husband hadn't been so feminine, I probably wouldn't have been attracted to him at all and I may never have married a man.

On a side note, I had been married to my husband for six months when a client came to see me at my office. She had no idea who I was. We talked for about half an hour, she touched my arm, and she flirted with me a little more until she finally asked me out. As attractive as I found her, I politely declined. After she left, I recognised her name and she happened to be my husbands ex whom I had never met.

[ammonite]

I am trying to work that out in this thread at the moment

http://www.samesame.com.au/forum/showthread.php?t=15646

Come read through the madness.


Ellen Degenerous and Rachel Maddow both dated men in highschool, so by some peoples definition of 'lesbian' they are not one

And (assuming they had sex with them) according to the CDC they are heterosexual.

[Queerdo]

Wow what a coincidence! The connection points of the universe never cease to amaze me. Two queer women and one feminine guy. Most of the men I've been with were feminine in some way, the only exception being the one I married. My current partner is a not so macho bisexual man (he'd hate me saying effeminate). Is this a common pattern I wonder?

[ItsAllInTheEyes]

I recently came out to my ex. I would never dream of telling him I thought he was no so macho, or reminding him of the thing that happened between his ex and I. lol Might be wayyy too much for his ego to cope with lol

I duno, but I'd really be interested in hearing from some of our ex-married SS'rs.

I take it you are in an 'open' relationship??

[ItsAllInTheEyes]

I am trying to work that out in this thread at the moment

http://www.samesame.com.au/forum/showthread.php?t=15646

Come read through the madness.


Ellen Degenerous and Rachel Maddow both dated men in highschool, so by some peoples definition of 'lesbian' they are not one

And (assuming they had sex with them) according to the CDC they are heterosexual.

I did pop in Amm, but I think madness is the operative word.

I could comment in there, but no one would be the wiser ;)

[Queerdo]

I commented Am. There's rarely anything to add to those debates though.

No we're not in an open relationship. We have had some fun(just once and I don't think anything you do on NYE counts anyway,lol), but we're not open to pursue anything seperately. We're committed and we don't want to lose what we have but if either of us developed a serious attraction that might go someplace, we'd have to reconsider the terms and conditions of our relationship. No point in making any absolute declarations, you never know what the future will bring.

[ItsAllInTheEyes]

Sounds like a great relationship based on honesty. I get what you say about absolute declarations. Don't know that I could ever commit to someone forever again.

[Happy to be me]

Awesome responses girls!!
Thanks Trina 4 digging this up i had just joined and i see i have come along..

Still havent gone outyet :(
though i have hinted to my carer and a friend i am..
I Guess I have been attracted to women since i was 6yrs old my first "childs play was with my neighbour we pretended to kiss through a face washer or our hands...
She ended up being gay too!

Many chicks who were friends ended up being gay too ...I really was a naieve girl...
I had no concept i could ever be me!
Good ole Catholic up bringing marry go forth and procreate...

Nite xo