Newly out (even to myself). Help!

[pandapandapanda]

Hi girls!

My name's Kate. I'm 23 and I have a bit of a long story to tell. If you have time to read it and give me some advice about my mother, I'd appreciate it.

I have just recently realised the truth about myself. I was out with the guy I was dating (it wasn't serious yet) and I wasn't happy. I just wondered all day why it wasn't working out. Why it NEVER works out with me and guys. I really like the guy, but it just didn't feel right, it never does.

And then, we met some of his friends. Girls... and I suddenly knew.

I was hit by the sudden, stunning revelation that I'm gay. I've never in my entire life felt something with such clarity. I haven't struggled with my sexuality for years, like I hear stories about. Just, all of a sudden it came to me. That's what's been wrong all these years. Going right back to Primary School. As time passes I just see more and more reasons why it's ludicrous that I never noticed before.

Anyway, during dinner, I snuck out and called my best friend. She's a lovely supportive girl who I've known for years. I told her there was a problem and just came out, straight away, there on the phone. And she agreed that it was a knotty problem. She wasn't surprised. She just said that she'd never really thought about my sexuality at all. Except that she could tell I wasn't like her, that my sexuality was somehow different.

The next person I told was my (ex) boyfriend's friend, whose birthday dinner it was. It was my second time meeting her. And she's most of the reason I know I'm gay. It was seeing her that made me realise what I really want in my life. We went to the bathroom together and I said "Look, you know him. I need some advice."

And she was enormously supportive. I couldn't believe it. She just said that she felt really bad for me and that the timing of such a realisation was awful and so embarrassing. But she urged me to tell him.

Which I did, and he took it well. He said he was glad I told him straight away and we're still chatting away on Facebook and such. The girl also texted me to ask how it went and give her support.

So far so good, right? Best reactions I could ever have hoped for. But I have never been so embarrassed in my life as I was that night. Obviously it's not my fault, but to have to come out like that, and not have a choice, felt so bad and I feel terrible for the guy still.

Anyway, I got home. My parents are ultra-liberals so I figured they wouldn't give a damn about my sexuality. So when Mum asked how my night was, I told her I broke off the relationship. And she asked why.

So I told her.

She laughed. She asked me how I know I'm gay when I've never been in a real relationship. She asked me what makes me think I'm gay. Then she basically said "okay, fair enough. you're gay. Do you want to tell dad?"

Dad's reaction was "Okay. And? I'm straight. What of it?"

I've also come out to one two other friends. One a straight girl I'm very close to (she was suprised but supportive) the other a gay guy I only know a little. I wanted advice and he was the only one around. I was asking him about coming out and understanding your own sexuality and his basic conclusion was "You sound pretty lesbian to me".

But the issue is still my mum. She's humouring me. She doesn't actually believe I'm gay at all. I do tend to go through a lot of phases of enthusiasm (because of my bipolar) for random things. But... this is SO not one of them. She tells me not to believe everything I read about homosexuality on the internet and that there's a certain level of "recruitment" by lesbians.

I'm gay. Since I was a little girl, I've been having my heart broken by other girls. I've invested massive emotion in a friendship only to be crushed. Over and over. I just believed my Mum that I was sensitive. But now I see that I was giving these girls more of my heart than I realised.

This is why whenever my girlfriends would talk about boys, I would not really GET it. I'd join in and say "Oh he's cute" blah blah. But I never really understood what they were so interested in.

This is why I've never felt emotionally attached to guys and never EVER sexually attracted. This is why I love looking at pictures of pretty women. That's why I smile and feel warm when I see a woman who's beautiful. And the penis... most disgusting thing ever. I never did understand why anyone would let one of those appalling things anywhere near them.

It's like the whole world has become clearer now. My whole life makes sense. I feel, for the first time ever, like I'm ME.

But my mum... who has a lot of gay friends, is all for gay rights and gets annoyed by homophobia... she just doesn't believe me. She thinks it's a phase, or that I've been brainwashed by some International Lesbian Conspiracy.

So... is it just that I came out so suddenly? I admit it was out of the blue, but I'm so close with my Mum I wanted to share my new understanding with her.

Or... is she not as liberal as she thought? Does she secretly wish for it to be a phase? Is she hoping I'll change my mind again next time I go through a bipolar cycle? If so... why? She's never shown any hint of homophobia before and raised me and my brother to be totally tolerant.

Or... do you think it is a phase? Do you think I've fallen onto this "trend" of false lesbianism? I'd love an honest opinion. Is it normal to just suddenly realise your true sexuality the way I did? To believe completely that you're hetero (with occasional "I wonder if"s) and then just know, out of nowhere, that you're gay? Has this happened to anyone else?

[just_dance]

You've an interesting story there Panda... and honestly I couldn't say what you're mum is thinking... But in my opinion, I believe she thinks its a phase. that's what it sounds like. Only time will tell if it's a phase, but as with all phases, you should live it out as much as you can! Get out there and meet other lesbians, maybe you'll meet someone you like and then you can experience it first hand. I think that even if it were a phase (which I doubt considering the info you've given) there would be a small part of you that knows its not right. But only by experiencing it can you figure it out for yourself.

I've never been with a man. I went on 3 dates with one guy and that's it. He just never called me after (he was a jerk). This was back when I considered myself bi. Then I met my first girlfriend. After being with her, I knew I could never be with any man. I was a '5 star lesbian' as my friend once called me lol.

With your mum... only time will show her that it's not a phase. There is no way you can prove it except by not becoming straight again lol. She'll eventually realise it's not a phase. Once people think it's a phase, you can't really convince them otherwise except with time.

Hope that helps xx

[manda-87]

Im sure your mum will come around eventually. I found mums to be the hardest to
cope with their daughters coming out, for example my ex's (who was my first girlfriend nd we came out together) blamed me for turning her daughter gay and staged a massive mess off my life telling our other friends and my employeer i was such a bad person, it sounds bad, but the point of my story is she has kinda come to accept her now, even though its still my fault. Im sure your mum will realize that eventually and support you just takes some time.

I was with a guy for 8yrs thru high school barely even kissed him, then when we broke up i realized i had crushes on girls and stuff, but i didnt admit it to anyone not even myself for 2 years. But when I came out I knew, and didnt feel trapped or anything. Now i feel like everything makes alot more sense and my ex boyfriend is very supportive even now 4yrs later we are still best mates
Good luck!!!

[pho3nixphir3]

hey there panda[cubed], maybe it's because she's standing too close to you? but you shouldn't feel you have to prove anything, even if she won't accept it yet. i think that's a strange argument, because, do straight people have to prove they're straight before having been in a relationship? it's just naturally assumed we're straight, that's the default.

for me, i was straight until i wasn't, but it was a little muddy, and i realised it over a period of time. it wasn't like a bolt of lightning, or anything like your realisation. but i think either way is normal. maybe just because i overthink things so much, i can't really sneak up on myself. just_dance is right, it'll take time. you have my full support, good luck, and tell us how it goes.

[pandapandapanda]

Thanks girls!

I guess she's a bit suprised because I don't "look" or "act" like the stereotype she's used to. I'm a seriously girly girl, I only ever wear skirts, wish my hair would grow longer than my shoulders and love cuddly animals and sparkles.

I've always known that you don't have to be butch to be a lesbian, but she's from a different generation and has her expectations. Maybe if I'd shown some of the "signs" she thinks are normal she'd be more able to believe it.

A weird thing happened today. My first experience with homophobia and ignorance in the outside world. I told myself I wouldn't be the sort of militant lesbian who hates all men and can't take any kind of joke...

I went to visit my best friend. She's been really supportive and we hung out and she said that when she told her Mum I'd come out (which I said she could do). Her Mum's first thought was "is that why she always used to squish up to the other girls in the backseat when the car went around bends."

My friend thought it was funny, and so did I at first. But then I realised "Wow... that kinda hurts."

I used to love playing Corners, and squishing the others for fun. I did it if guys were in the car too... It wasn't sexual at all.

Is that really what it's like out there? People making assumptions about us all the time? Do I have to live with that for the rest of my life? If I do, how do I cope? What do I say when people I love say ignorant things like that?

[pho3nixphir3]

that's fair enough, each generation has their own perceptions and attitudes. of course, there's exceptions

oh wow, that's sharp. yeah, i feel your pain. i'm scared about all the assumptions people make behind my back. that's human nature for you, most of us grow to assume. how do you cope? the best way i'd say is to laugh it off, and not take it seriously. but i myself can't do that, so be a better person than me =P.

you could do nothing about it, and let it slide, or you could voice your hurt and correct their ignorance. either way will hurt, so whichever you think is best in the situation, and for yourself.

[just_dance]

Unfortunately we do get a lot of assumptions about us Panda... If you look straight, everyones going to assume you're straight. At least you have some advantage in that it'll be easier for you to keep your sexuality from those you don't wish to know (harsh, but sometimes its for the best, at least til you know some people better). As for the comments... I haven't come across much homophobia, but the few comments I've gotten have been ones I can laugh off as usually its not intentional harming (e.g. my mates friend came out with a muffin and said 'Hey I hear you like a bit of muffin' I burst out laughing at that one. thought it was pretty good!)

To cope, you vent to friends, make sure you have good friends who understand and you can talk to about this stuff (I'm nearly always around if you need an ear. my msn is sezzabelle@hotmail.com). People will always make comments... But hopefully one day, homosexuality will be as normal as heterosexuality. Unfortunately there's just a lot of people out there who don't understand... So surround yourself with lovely people who you can depend upon :)

[just_dance]

Oh and my 'realising i was gay' thing was kinda lightning bolt too... tho i had a few events lead up to it where i was fantasising about another woman for a while but told myself it was normal as there was a shortage of good men about.... then was like... ok yeah im bi all of a sudden lol

[ammonite]

i have had multiple lightning bolt moments, because after each one i would freak out and talk myself out of it and force myself to almost forget that the previous one had happened fro a while.



It's like the whole world has become clearer now. My whole life makes sense. i know exactly what you mean


your mum sounds a bit like my parents - their pretty ok with gay people, as long as neither of their kids are one.

they also buy into the recruitment idea.

i agree with manda that mum's take having a gay daughter the hardest. - in my case it's to do with the fear that it's caused by some failure in parenting.

all this and i haven't actually come out yet LOL
i can't believe how quickly you have done it.


But the issue is still my mum. She's humouring me. She doesn't actually believe I'm gay at all. I do tend to go through a lot of phases of enthusiasm (because of my bipolar) for random things. But... this is SO not one of them.that probably has something to do with how your mum is reacting. there is a type of OCD that can make people think they might be gay when they're not.
http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php
http://www.brainphysics.com/hocd.php
i've never heard of bipolar doing that though.

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=advice&id=1266&at=2&cn=55[/url]"]bipolar and homosexuality
Mon, Oct 30th 2006

Im curious about my 18 yr old son. Within the last 2 yrs, many times he seemed depressed. He would go to his room and stay in there and sleep. He slept everyday almost his senior year. He use to be a really happy fun loving child. He slowly changed, turned more gothic looking. He didnt graduate, he left home the last 2 months of school. He has since age 12 done things with out caring about the consequence. He is now gay. He at one time was crazy for girls. Im just curious. He has been told by a few people that he seems Manic. And I did experience seeing him somwhat depressed. He has no desire to achieve any goals. He seems to be doing good for a week, then suddenly he is gone, stranded somewhere. Anyway, i spoke to someone and they said sometimes a bipolar person can be attracted to the same sex. So can bipolar and homosexuality be related?


Mark Dombeck, Ph.D. Responds

Your son's behavior (sleeping all the time, looking "gothic", withdrawing, not graduating, etc.) is possibly consistent with unipolar (regular depression-only) depression. I don't see you describing anything that might make the picture look more like bipolar disorder, however, with the possible exception of the not caring about consequences, which could also be a consequence of regular depression. In order for your son to be bipolar, we'd need you to be talking about periods of very elevated, and energetic mood, usually a good mood but sometimes agitated. I'm not hearing you say that, so I would be thinking more in terms of standard depression rather than bipolar. But, you may have not reported the full picture of what your son is doing, and you may not even be aware of it all, so we can't really know what is happening.

To the very best of my knowledge, there is no direct connection between mood disorder (of bipolar or unipolar varieties) and homosexuality. There might be some indirect connections between mood disorder and homosexuality, but these would not be causal relationships in the sense you are looking for. For example, someone who is bipolar tends to become disinhibited when they enter into a manic (energized) phase. During this period of disinhibition and impulsivity, someone might act on sexual impulses that they normally would keep under wraps, but even if this happened, the impulses would be there before the illness and not caused by the illness. Someone who is deeply depressed might be depressed in part because they are homosexual and perceive themselves to be defective or shameful as a result. They would not be actually defective in reality (for homosexuality is a normal variation of human sexuality and not in any way a disorder or problem), but many people in society are quite bigoted and prejudiced about homosexuality and will attempt to shame and cause emotional harm to happen to gay people. If this were part of the scenario that is playing out for your son, it would be the reaction to the homosexuality that was causing the mood disorder, and not the other way around. For the record, homosexuality appears to be determined primarily by fluctuations in hormones that occur during fetal development (during pregnancy). By the time a child has come into the world, their sexual preferences are apparently (in some sense that is not altogether understood just yet) already largely fixed, even though those preferences will not come to be expressed for years.

- Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.

[pandapandapanda]

Wow! Thanks for all that Ammonite. The fact that I DO tend to go through phases might well give Mum a reason not to believe I'm really gay. I should point out that she told me my desire to be a zoologist was a phase and that has most certainly proven UNTRUE.

That stuff about Mood Disorders is interesting. I was diagnosed with depression at just 11, which I'm told is unusually young. It runs in my family, but I know I always felt like other girls weren't on the same page as me, so maybe that had something to do with it.

Does anyone know of a website or two I can direct Mum too? Maybe if there's a source that can answer her questions about homosexuality and dispel some of the myths she believes, she might take me more seriously. There must be a source of information out there for parents of gay children?

[pho3nixphir3]

sorry, i don't know of anything. just googled, i got this http://www.cwluherstory.org/CWLUArchive/lesbianmom.html

i don't know how possible it would be, but even showing her this thread could mean something. sorry i can't be of any help.

[ammonite]

Does anyone know of a website or two I can direct Mum too? Maybe if there's a source that can answer her questions about homosexuality and dispel some of the myths she believes, she might take me more seriously. There must be a source of information out there for parents of gay children?

there's always PFLAG

http://www.pflagaustralia.org.au/
http://www.pflagbrisbane.org.au/
http://www.pflagvictoria.org.au/
http://www.pflagwa.org.au/

[K-loco]

panda.... just be. dont be gay, just be you (who happens to dig women). Youve given her the information, give her time to process. Trying to convince her or justify who you are will just complicate things. The only extra thing I had to say to my mum was 'its not just about sex, its emotional' she understood and the visuals she was getting of me randomly shagging women disappeared. Im sure she would still love me to bring home some lovley man. But the less I say, the more she realises Im a much more centred & happy person knowing who I am. Be quietly confident and it will show. Im sure my mum is just a bit envious of my freedom to be what I want, cos all of a sudden shes saying stuff like 'I was really close to a woman once...remember so and so?' Maybe she felt like she never had the choice. She finds the dynamics facinating. Women are amazing people, Im sure she has the capacity to take it all in...just allow her time. After all, there's some pretty ridiculous stereotypes out there. Think of all the crap that went thru your mind when you realized. Your family has to go thru that too. I thank god that my family has no religous barriers/homophobic tendencies...imagine how hard it would be then.
I have questioned myself about phases etc, but life is too short. And you know what...if it is a phase so be it. (i just know its not). Just be. :)

[K-loco]

sorry... more.... did you ever consider that your mood stuff was because you were frustrated and didnt know why? I had wonderful boyfriends when I was doin that, but I always took stuff out on them and sabotaged. I didnt know why and now it kinda makes sense. And although it sucks that we have to struggle a bit more than the hetero world, that suits me fine, cos Im more determined than ever to make my relationships real and constructive and beautiful.

[K-loco]

last time, promise. little story...
Not long after I came out, I was stuck in a car in a semi-uncomfortable silence with my step dad. He's a blokey bloke from the country. All of a sudden he comes out with 'So...I really like Ellen' CUTE!!! I just cracked up. Everyone has to find a way to relate.
Bless his heart!

[erinbot]

last time, promise. little story...
Not long after I came out, I was stuck in a car in a semi-uncomfortable silence with my step dad. He's a blokey bloke from the country. All of a sudden he comes out with 'So...I really like Ellen' CUTE!!! I just cracked up. Everyone has to find a way to relate.
Bless his heart!


Awww my mother said "well you didn't like wearing dresses when you were a little girl" which makes no sense at all because I'm a girly lesbo dress wearer now!!

Oh and I agree with K-loco don't worry about your mother accepting the lesbian label, just be yourself and it will all come together I'm sure!

[Baby]

Hi Kate!

Hmm..I would say for now, don't stress too much about it. Hey, at least she's accepting and not being hateful about it!!

It might take some time, perhaps after you have been in a serious relationship for a while and she realises you're not growing out of your "phase." From her point of view, she's seen you with boyfriends and thinks you've decided to "try gay" on for size. You're young and she thinks it's something you'll grow out of. You'll just have to prove her wrong!

For now, be glad that your parents are at least being positive about it, try dating and see if you find a relationship, and after enough time has passed she should accept that you're gay. Good luck!

[pho3nixphir3]

yeah erinbot, that does make no sense as dress sense has absolutely nothing to do with sexuality, in the straight girls like this gay girls like that sense. good points, k-loco =).

but i personally dread the conversation if my dad ever found out. and the ones after.

[pandapandapanda]

Thanks for all the advice!!! I came out to some casual friends, people I don't know that well. Turns out two of them are gay and they're taking me out clubbing!!!

[pho3nixphir3]

congratulations panda! that's so great =)! have fun, and be good ;)

[just_dance]

hahaha yeah i find that the more people i come out to, the more people come out to me!! lmao. i still dont have many gay friends, but its slowly expanding. and a mate has offered to introduce me to some single girls ;) lol.

[pho3nixphir3]

i haven't personally met a single gay or even bi girl since high school =(.