looking for help - would appreciate any suggestions

[sneakos]

see attached

sorry its so long!

[ap_bcd]

Hi, the honesty of your letter is so touching.

I can relate on so many levels. I too had a fairly miserable childhood. Lots of Emotional and occasional Physical abuse. I also turned into a whole lot of sex with strangers from my early teenage years and was raped a number of times during this. I too felt that if this was the price to feel loved accepted, hell even just touched by a man it was the price I would pay.

I cried when I read that you can't answer the question "what makes you happy" I've been working through this question with a therapist for 4 years now and I'm beginning to find answers. My Photography, my part time Job working as a sound tech for a singing Drag Queen, Simple coffee with friends on a weekend. Nothing big but I'm learnign to take plesure in the little things.

Suicide is often in my thoughts but after nearly 8 attempts (I'm not very good, but they know me at the hospital now) I know so well that dark place in the heart where you feel that going on is not an option. I hope you can find a path away from this spot as I try to every day.

Getting some help would be very good for you. You sound like you really need it. I'm glad you have written everythgin down, but I appreciate that self awareness is not always enough.

I too am unemployed but I've found a Psych who is happy to bulk bill me while I'm not working. Try your local gay clinic for a referral, keep asking for them to find someone who will help you for free or a minimal charge (I pay $30 a session when I'm working). Make your Dr do this for you, it is part of their job of caring for your health. If your doctor won't do this find another one who can and will make a good referal for you. You deserve no less.

Finally please know that you are not a Fucking Freek as you refer to yourself so often. You may be a badly hurting and damaged person, but there are a lot of us. I'm sure that on these forums you will find other folk like ourselvers who will tak you for who you are and perhaps become friends, good friends.

And don't give up on your friends at NA. Perhaps they are out of their depth, and they feel frustrated in their own inability to help you. It's craxy that in 21st century Australia so often the best we can come up with is the hurting helping the hurting while the "happy people" go around ignoring us.

Please keep holding on, please write back if you want, please try and believe that you will find some love and joy somewhere despite all the shit.

your (new) friend - Adrian

[speedsterinjuly]

I would like to help. Now I would need some information off you pete to what you may require. I myself was in the phyc ward back here in Maitland about 2.5 years ago. Look into my web pages and I maybe able to guide you some way.

May God Bless

David