View Full Version : when she has feelings for someone else
28th June 2010, 11:42 AM
28th June 2010, 12:22 PM
I'm sorry to hear this. How did you find out about the email? Were you suspecting her a while ago and you went to investigate?
Do you still love her? I assume you still do despite knowing that she has fallen in love with someone else. It's pretty difficult. I don't agree that you should be treated this way - in the first place, she lied to you. But if you're willing to fight for the relationship, then perhaps you guys should talk it through - ask her for a time frame, when she's ready to talk to you. You shouldn't have to wait infinitely. But if you think you'd be unhappy in this relationship even after you guys get back together again, then perhaps breaking up may do you greater service.
Sorry, not a fab advice - it's pretty tricky and the heart sometimes can play tricks on people. Lots of hugs and good luck!
28th June 2010, 12:37 PM
28th June 2010, 12:50 PM
i went through something similar
my gf of 1 year had done this to me. actually. a lot like what happened with you. i was fair messed up about it
i dunno how you feel though
i took her back after a few weeks. but broke up again about 2 months later. cause its always in your mind, and it will be
but theres no way, you should be waiting on her. this isnt the way you should be treated after what you jsut found out.
im not saying leave her yet, or readily take her back when she comes but. think about it.
its a big thing what shes done, and it will play on your mind a lot. do you think you could get passed that? if you say yes then, try and talk to her, see whats going on her mind. if you dont think you could move passed it like me, break it off now. save you both the inevitable heart breal
28th June 2010, 01:16 PM
7 years is a big committment and indicates a level of partnership that should not be tossed aside lightly. If you want to understand what this is all about and help both of you sort out your thoughts and feelings on this then some couples counselling can help. Relationships Australia can provide a slightly more affordable option for this. you can sort anything out as long as you are both willing to and remain committed to the relationship that you have.
28th June 2010, 01:22 PM
Agree Totka, counselling may help. I heard that there is always a crisis for every 7 years in a relationship. It's not that easy to give it up. I wish things could be a lot simpler - less heart break and headache, more fun and love. Understand though that sometimes it seems easier just to break it off to protect yourself.
28th June 2010, 01:45 PM
i dont think you should give up on the relationship, 7 years is a long time, and if you're both still in love by that time, isnt that worth fighting for? to have feelings for someone else isnt uncommon, it happens to a lot of people, specially after spending so long with the one person, but the fact is, they can get over it, and if she truly loves you, she will...
"never leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love"
I think give her time, reassure her that you love her, that you are willing to work through it with her.
28th June 2010, 02:22 PM
28th June 2010, 09:09 PM
I've never been in such a long-term relationship, so this may be unhelpful. Seven years is an amazing achievement, and if you love her, definitely worth the effort. But I think if you're going to try to work at it it might be a good idea to be strong and clear about your expectations and confident about how valuable both you and your commitment to the relationship are.
It's incredibly selfless to give her the space and time to make her own decisions, but I think if the relationship is going to work long term, she needs to be prepared to fight for you too - I don't think it can just be a one-way struggle.
All the best - the uncertainty and upheaval must be awful!
28th June 2010, 10:23 PM
it really depends on the type of relationship you girls have: if the both of you are convinced that the other one is a really good match and that you both feel your relationship has all the things you are looking for in a partnership, then i would fight for it.
it must be horrible to realise your partner has these feelings but to be honest, i think most of the ppl in long-term relationships sometimes wander off in their head...it's about how you deal with those feelings, do you spend time and energy on them...it's about respect for your partner, it's about having realistic needs when it comes to relationships and being able to respect your partner, your relationship and last but not least yourself.
we all want those exciting type of early-days relationships that make you feel alive but i don't think there are too many ppl out there that constantly have that type of partnership.
surely you could give her some time but then she has to really work on your relationship and not the other one!
i wish you all the best!
29th June 2010, 12:40 AM
I'm sorry to hear about this, break up is never easy. I was with my ex for a long time too. I think being in a long term relationship 'could' get you in a routine when things become dull and bland. I suppose these are the questions that you need to ask:
1. The reason why she is falling for someone else (is it because she is not happy or circumstances ie she gets to spend a lot of time at work with this girl or something else) and see if there is anything both of you can do to rectify the situation. Maybe a counselor will be able to point this out for you.
Bear in mind, don't blame yourself to be responsible (that you are not good enough because if she really loves you, she should never make you feel inferior but should communicate in open instead and trying to compromise on the flaws instead of focusing on your weaknesses).
2. How much effort are you willing to put to make the relationship to work. At the same time, also acknowledge the fact that sometimes people are better off apart. I was with my ex for 8.5 years and it is not a guarantee that it will last forever
3. If you decided to stay, do it for your sake not for her sake. At the end of the day you can't control how she feels but you can control your own emotions. So, find out what you want first. If she said she needed space, set a time frame for the decision because being in limbo is not a good place.
Yes it is hard to get out of long term relationship with the "together memories and assets" that you have. But you know it well that staying for convenience won't last long. It will be like staying in the closet, truth needs to come out sooner or later ....and we all need to be true to ourselves because only then we will be able to live and enjoy life :)
All the best with whatever you do and big big hug.
29th June 2010, 11:07 AM
29th June 2010, 11:33 AM
My GF of seven years has admitted she has feelings for someone else. Two months ago I found an email she'd sent to this person saying that she couldn't stop thinking about them. I assumed she was having an affair based on the emotion in the message. When I confronted her, she said she wasn't having an affair, that she was just drunk and silly when she sent the email, and begged me not to leave her. Now she's admitted that she does having feelings for the person (which I suspected but didn't really want to know either) but she says she still loves me completely (and doesn't actually love the other person). Now she's decided to stay somewhere else for a few days to get some time to think about everything. She says she still loves me, but just needs same space. To make it worse, she also works with this person every day.
I feel like I've been giving her all the space she's asked for, but it's making me sadder and sadder, because this cloud (and possible death sentence) continues to hang over my relationship. What do I do? Do I wait for her to make up her mind (and go through this prolonged heart-break) or do I protect myself by ending it? Is this the way I should be treated? I'm not sure. Any help would be much appreciated! :confused:
I would feel devasted if this happened to me aswell. But your girlfriend hasn't cheated on you and she is being honest with you and you obviously love her enough to want to save the relationship. I guess all you can do is give her that space and let her know how much you love her?
Good Luck! :)
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