Ok, so I feel like a total whore writing this...

[taylor-dayne]

I need some perspective on something. Hoping you guys can help me out. Here is my situation.

On the weekend while at Mardi Gras I ended up hooking up with a friend of mine - he's totally lovely, and he totally swept me off my feet. He's sweet, I find him really attractive, he's loyal to a fault, is really into me - all of that. All that anyone could ask for.

Now I'm not a fan of relationships. I've always told myself I was not going to bother until someone amazing was standing in front of me. Over the years I have always had a number of different connections with men at the same time - sometimes nothing more than a one night stand, other times something a little more. While these connections have been casual, they have always been satisfying on some level and I've always learned something about myself from them - I am not sure I can shut them off. Not only that, their casual nature had such an impact on the sex. It felt different. More racy. So much more exciting.

With this new man that feeling is not there.
But at the same time, so much more is.

My dilemma - there is this hot couple who I met in the Dome on the weekend that are keen to get to know me more. There is another friend of mine who I am inching closer towards as well... Now that I am with this new guy, am I obliged to turn my back on investigating those connections?

Me and new guy haven't had a conversation about monogamy, about expectations - nothing formal has been arranged at all... Is that my get out of jail free card? Is it fair of me to ask for the liberties to be able to explore these other parts of myself?

I feel like I want to have my cake and eat it too - but I feel in some instances, we can. I wouldn't rub his face in it - it's not like I am going to be out on the town every night whoring it up - but I would like to be open to have encounters of all types. I see it like friendships - I like to think I am complex enough for all the different relationships I have not to impact on each other...

I am very used to feeling free and I'm not sure I can turn it off now. Does that make me a bad person? I need to know if I am being unfair, and if I'm not, how do I negotiate all of this?

Eek.

Hoping you can all shower me with wisdom.

T.D. xx

[ap_bcd]

Hi T.D.

I always think that it's important to remeber that the early stages of a relationship (otherwise known as dating) are all about keeping your options open. It is a time of exploring the friendship or the lovemaking, the irritating things and the beauty.

I understand you don't want ot hurt your new beau, however untill one of you reaches the point of saying "I want more from this, I want us to be a couple" then having other options is fair. Just be sure that the other guy is thinking the same way. If he is head over heals for you and already committed to the two of you as a couple things might get tricky.

As with everything, just talk honestly. Dark secrets have destroyed more relationships that I have seen than anything else.

If all your relationships are based on integrity then you shoudl be OK and you will also know when it is time to stop looking out for an escape clause and instead let someone closer into your heart and soul.

I hope this helps.

Adran

[meezon04]

Thanks for sharing your issue with us.

I used to be totally against non-manogamy. When I first moved to Brisbane, the first bit of advice I got from a friend about the gay community was 'There is no such thing as monogamy' - nice! Here I am, a guy who values and cherishes committed relationships, and I'm told that!

That was a few years ago, and I've had relationships and whatnot since then, and as you say, you take a little piece from each relationship you have with someone. You want some pieces of the puzzle but not others. You want it all and want it to fit together nicely.

So I've come to the conclusion that non-monogamy is not as whore-ish as people make it out to be. I also believe a lot of gays think about it whilst they are young, but want to settle down once they grow older and wiser. However, I do believe that when you have a partner, that person has a right to know what your intentions are. Like that Savage Garden lyric "I believe that trust is more important that monogamy" (haha I KNEW he was gay when I heard him sing that :P), but yeah I reckon trust and honesty are the key, that is if you wanna keep that boyfriend, or want him to hang around. Who knows, he might be wanting the same thing. It's the tough topics like this that usually bring out the most amazing D&M conversations.
I believe an 'Open Relationship' means it's all out on the table and you have a lot of love and respect for your partner - if you're gunna sleep with other guys, he deserves to know, and also if it's protected (which it should always be) or not, because you don't wanna subject to telling your partner you have HIV, especially if he doesn't even know you're sleeping around.

So you have four options (I think that's all anyway haha): - An open relationship, A committed relationship, A cheating relationship or you can remain single.

Sorry if I wasn't much help, but hey just a personal view, and whatever happens, good luck!

[Ramrod]

Ok, you hooked me in with the title of your message so I just had to reply.

To answer your question, yes, you are a total whore. Welcome to the real world. You are experiencing something that the vast majority of us experience. We can be with the most gorgeous, attractive man in the world but that doesn't stop most of us from being tempted by some other gorgeous hunk or hunks. Manogamy is a myth. At least for gay guys it is. Once you accept that fact of life, you can stop worrying about it and enjoy the fruits of your desires.

Ok, so maybe I'm being a little bit cynical but the fly in the ointment (and there's always at least one, isn't there?) is that if you want to keep your current partner, you MUST discuss it with him. He may not be happy with this arrangement and he has a right to know. You may be tempted to have your flings behind his back. This would be a huge mistake. Truth and honesty are central to any relationship. Without those two ingredients there is no love.

Good luck with your daliances. Have one for me!

[jnabrams]

I guess I don't understand the difference between a relationship in which you are free to 'hook-up' with or date other guys and just dating a guy without commitment. To me the mere definition of a relatioship means you have established something with this guy and you'd like to see if it's going to work into a long-term relationship. That means to me that you're serious about wanting to be with this guy and you're going to avoid situations that might put temptation in front of you. And if I do get tempted and my guy isn't around, well then I take those 'matters into hand'.

I know this is naive of me. I'm just a young punk and will probably wake up and smell the real world coffee brewing, but that's how I feel. I'll whore around all I want while I'm just dating, but if I commit to a guy, then I'm going to take that commitment seriously, even if they don't. After all, the only person I have to answer to for my actions is me. :)

[mjm078]

being a gay men isn't an excuse to sleep around or a "right". Its about commitment if you can't 100% commit to a relationship don't be in one. Its like saying i am commited to paying 50% of a morgate repayment and expecting to be in the house in a years time.....or a 50% reformed alcholic you are or you aren't its that simple

Sure we all fancy other men but at the end of the day is it worth shooting a bolt on some randoms chest to miss out on commited relationship?

Relationships are hard work but wanting an "open" relationship is just an excuse for not wanting to put in the hard work.

"Manogamy is a myth. At least for gay guys it is." is a stupid through comment and not representative of the gay community

[taylor-dayne]

Relationships are hard work but wanting an "open" relationship is just an excuse for not wanting to put in the hard work.

hmmm... not sure i agree with this. but thanks everyone for your comments! i suppose when all is said and done, i could do monogamy, but just not with *this* guy... maybe that was my issue all along?

although i don't know why monogamy is considered the more evolved way of being. the RIGHT way to have a relationship. you can love and have trust and have amazing sex, and still explore yourself outside of that bubble, surely?

i don't know. i guess everyone is different.

[jamieB]

I guess I can relate to both sides of this because I have experienced both sides.

I was in a 2 year monogamous relationship when we both decided to go on a break for a while because we thought that the 'grass was greener'.
It was the age-old problem, when I was single there was no-one around, then once your ina relationship all these people come out of the woodwork and try an crack onto you - I think its because when you are in a r'ship you are happy, relaxed, and confident, and people are attracted to that.
I decided I wanted to get this niggling 'I want to be single for a bit' feeling out of my system, so for a month I went whore-crazy. And I mean CRAZY. I have never been so carefree and ridiculous in my life. I had threesomes, foreigners, older guys, and internet randoms whose name I barely knew (or cared about). I would see a guy online, and say 'ive seen you in town before - you're hot - wanna fuck?' - it was that brazen.
It was fun at first, having the freedom to do whoever you wanted, but in the end it just became pointless. Each guy just rolled into one - I didn't particularly enjoy the sex - it was never as good as with my BF because we knew how to please each other so well. After a month I just got sick of it - the sex was so pointless and repedative - there was no excitement with these randoms.
We are now back together (he came to the same conclusion just as quick), and we are happier than ever.

I know gay guys dont believe in relationships, but I think its just because they can't find anyone with any sort of substance or connection. Random, pointless sex is just that - sex. Ive been on the gay scene in sydney, melbourne, and adelaide, and there are very, very few guys I find really attractive anyway - you think from sites like this that there are, but the reality is very different. If you're settling for average lookign guys you could have a new guy every single night, but be honest - there are not that many freally hot gay guys out there!

Dont you guys get bored with just sex? I sure did - its meaningless if there is no connection - you are just filling a gap in your life with something unfufilling.

I occasionally think what it would be like to be single again (esp when I read things like this), but the reality is, Ive never been happier.

[atari]

This is a really interesting thread...

I've not done open relationships before and have been with my current partner for nearly 5 years. We often talk about the concept of negotiating open relationships as we have friends who seem to do this really well - perhaps because we both go through phases of experiencing the 'grass is greener' phenonemon, or because we hooked up when we both pretty young (I was 18) during a time when neither of us were looking for anything serious - all this time later I've found myself in an awesome, rewarding relationship that (at least right now) neither of us are willing to open up for the fear that it wouldn't work out...

Consequently I find this comment kinda amusing:

although i don't know why monogamy is considered the more evolved way of being. the RIGHT way to have a relationship.

I often think of open relationships as more 'highly evolved' because, from the perspective of someone who hasn't experienced one, those that work well appear to require a sense of commitment and/or stability/security capable of withstanding the 'risks' or 'fears' that I would imagine experiencing if I was in one. At the end of the day I guess it all comes back to open communication, trust, boundaries and shared expecations that are open for review if required - which are essentially the foundations of all healthy relationships right?

[jamiepuppy]

OK, the fact that you haven't had "the conversation" with the new guy is so not your "get out of jail free" card. Without an agreement in place, if you pursue sexual activity outside of this relationship, you risk losing him... In a big way. Best of luck sorting this out and remember to think with the head that sits on your shoulders...

[hazyinseptember]

being a gay men isn't an excuse to sleep around or a "right". Its about commitment if you can't 100% commit to a relationship don't be in one. Its like saying i am commited to paying 50% of a morgate repayment and expecting to be in the house in a years time.....or a 50% reformed alcholic you are or you aren't its that simple


This kind of thinking stinks ... so you always commit to everything you do 100% ???


Relationships are hard work but wanting an "open" relationship is just an excuse for not wanting to put in the hard work.

OMG!! you really believe this?

since when is sex about commiting to a relationship? do you commit to someone everytime you have sex with them? cant you tell the difference between sex and love?

as gay men we have the oppertunity to have our cake and eat it too, as long as the cake goes for both people at the party..

if you feel you have to "own" someone 100% to commit to them .. go ahead.. but i dont call that a relationship and dont try and tell people they should too..

[GenesisInVain]

as a youngling, i've gone through my "whore" stage. and by the end of it, i was so sick and fed up with it. the sex (protected of course).the random hook up's.the blowjobs. the different fuckbuddy every week. having gone through a few boyfriends already, i can probably say that relationships, whether monogamous or 'open' seem so much more substantial and fulfilling than " shooting a bolt on some randoms chest". I mean I am currently with someone who I can seem myself committing to for quite a lengthy time. being gay doesn't mean you have to be a slut...if so than we're only perpetuating a very negative stereotype of our community. OK. this is my opinion and i am not forcing anyone into thinking what I want you to think. take from it what you want.

Genesis.

[Mr Azza]

I agree totally with mjm078!

If you're not happy with the thought of being with the same person for a long period of time, then you shouldn't be with that person at all (under relationship terms anyway)...

Gays really need to consider what the meaning of a relationship is!

[princess ree]

What is making this situation hard is the fact that this man started off as your friend. No-one wants to hurt a friend and I guess these feelings are creating some confusion for you. Like is different to love, and I think you genuinely have feelings of friendship for this man and that is why you don't want to hurt him. That is totally kewl, I reckon you should keep the friendship, and keep exploring yourself, and later on if you decide that you want to do the relationship thing than do it. Don't lock yourself in, even if he agrees with you to have an open relationship, if you are not ready. I guess just decide whether you genuinely love the man as a partner or as a friend.

[denieal]

I think it would really help you to read the book the Ethical Slut http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ethical_Slut

[drewbie_shy]

I'm a young gay male and i personally am sick and tired of reading about gay males wanting open relationships and random sex. This is why many people have such a negative view of homosexuality, because they perceive it to be all about sex when this is not the case. We need to stop sending the message that its ok for gay guys to sleep around, coz its not!!

I know of lots of gay men who are in committed relationships and who wouldn't even dream of sleeping with another guy other than their partner. If you are going to be in a relationship, you remain faithful to your partner if you want a random fuck then don't pursue a relationship. Then you will discover just how unfulfilling the random sex is!

[Christian Taylor]

I'm a young gay male and i personally am sick and tired of reading about gay males wanting open relationships and random sex. This is why many people have such a negative view of homosexuality, because they perceive it to be all about sex when this is not the case. We need to stop sending the message that its ok for gay guys to sleep around, coz its not!!

I know of lots of gay men who are in committed relationships and who wouldn't even dream of sleeping with another guy other than their partner. If you are going to be in a relationship, you remain faithful to your partner if you want a random fuck then don't pursue a relationship. Then you will discover just how unfulfilling the random sex is!

congratulations on finding something that works for you, however it's a bit rich to say things like "it's not ok for gay guys to sleep around"... care to elaborate?

[chad_74]

Just communicate and talk,
Basically go with your gut feeling as you have to live with consequences good or bad.

[Anthony Mahera]

I have been single for about 4 years by choice and only recently I have considered getting back into the "dating" scene. I have had my eye on a few guys and have found myself going out with all of them over the last month. I find that my interests in them vary and some I would love to have sex with but could not have a relationship with them, just because we come from "different worlds", we are not compatible but the sexual energy between us in very high. Does this make me a bad person if I sleep with them but would not persue anything more??? Some people you just can't relate to............

[robbie]

I have been single for about 4 years by choice and only recently I have considered getting back into the "dating" scene. I have had my eye on a few guys and have found myself going out with all of them over the last month. I find that my interests in them vary and some I would love to have sex with but could not have a relationship with them, just because we come from "different worlds", we are not compatible but the sexual energy between us in very high. Does this make me a bad person if I sleep with them but would not persue anything more??? Some people you just can't relate to............

Not at all Anthony. I certainly do the same and I'm sure others do too.