bit of a hard time

[Jak Jak]

Hey, i am 17 and living in adeliade. i have had a really hard time with myself in regards to coming out to my parents and have found that i am afraid to do it, but i am unsure why. all my friends and my older brother know and they are all really great, but because they are all straight they dont really understand how hard it is.

it doesnt really help that i have no gay friends to talk to, and i have never been in a real relationship with another guy, and to be honest without my friends this would be almost unbareable.

i have found myself feeling more and more lonely lately and my homophobic dad doesnt really help matters, but i do think that once i tell them it will begin to get much better, what do you guys think? how was coming out for you guys? and how do you meet gay guys (who want more than just sex) in a small fairly conservative town like adeliade? :confused:

[chriskicks]

for me, i was fairly relient on my female friends who i kept pushing to accompany me to gayclubs. now i get your 17, so youll have to stick it out for a year to meet guys that way. there are site on the internet that are made for connecting gay teens as well. in all honesty, i havent come out to my parents. but thats because im still in a transitory state of not knowing exactly what i want. be prepared to meet people who you just might not click with, my most stupidest belief...or maybe an appendage, was that i knew one gay and i felt i knew them all. and so i judged from one horrible person- the entire gay community. it sucks, its tough but i think you'll pull through ok :)

[Jak Jak]

thanks for the reply. i have been very reliant on my female friends, i practically live at one of my best friends houses coz her family are really understanding, but it has been my male friends who seem to understand more and want to take me to gay clubs for my 18th.

i will be going into uni this year so hopefully i will meet guys there, but i am kinda shy and i never really learnt how to meet people like that, i kinda missed out on the dating thing in high school, so i am a bit inept and that makes me rather shy.

i am conflicted on wether or not to tell my parents coz my dad is overtly homophobic and cares a great deal about how he appears to his friends and family so i am not sure about how he will react, but i know my mum will be fine, and i do have people i can stay with if something does happen, but i am not prepared just yet to give up my current lifestyle (my parents are loaded). but on the other hand i dont want to continue to live a lie around my family.

i really dont know what to do and especially in the short term i dont see things going very well.

[sneakos]

hey dude

i guess i came out to most of my friends first before my family and in was scared of my family's (read dad's) reaction. he was the kinda 'old school' type of guy, but after an initial shock where we didnt speak too much about it - he's really come around

i initially got all the usual questions from them (parents), including 'how do you know ur gay?' (hahaha!) to which i replied 'how do u know ur straight?' (not original - i read it or heard it from someone - but it kinda helped them to understand that it wasnt a choice i was making - it was who i was)

they'v been really cool since then

i think its awesome that ur mates wanna take u to a gay club - dude, u should do it

and as for meeting guys who want more than sex, well there is a website (as previously mentioned by one of the other replies) for young guys

but also, when u get to uni there will definitely be a gay n lesbian, or a queer student group on campus - so it mite be an idea to get along n check it out - ul meet other guys n girls ur own age so it'd b an awesome way to meet some new ppl

btw: i told my mum first cos i kinda get along with her better (or was less fearful of her reaction - lol!) and im pretty sure she talked about it to my dad so he was 'prepared'

[Jak Jak]

Hey

i came out first to my friends coz where i went to school everyone was very open minded and because the type of school it was there was no 'macho' enviroment as there was no sports (it was an academic pre uni school) and everyone there was, with the occasional exeption, smart and open minded.

i am not worried about any questions from the parents, it is just the initial telling them that is the hurdle for me, i can never build up the courage to say it, i do kinda have a self confidence problem coz before year 11 at my new school i didnt fit into any 'groups' and didnt have any out of school friends, which does impact on my self confidence.

when i get to uni, you are right there are student groups organised by the AUU and i will have lots of my friends from school there with me.

i do think i will tell my mum first coz i think she already knows as we have lots in common and i think she knows it doesnt just stop at shopping, fashion and design advice. but i still find it very hard to talk to her about it.

[Jak Jak]

I have been thinking about everything, and i think that maybe, subconciously i am ashamed of being gay.

I dont 'hate myself' or feel bad about myself in any way, but i am not really proud of it, especially around my family where i really do 'stuff myself into the closet'. Since i came out to my friends i have never really wanted to be straight and when ever i picture myself with someone it is always a guy. It is a really strange/ horrible feeling to be openly gay (around my friends at least) but when i see 2 guys together i think it is strange.

Is it even possible to be ashamed of being gay but at the same time, not feel bad about yourself or want to be straight?

[taylor-dayne]

coming out and feeling good about it essentially like walking through a series of doorways. each one requires change. each one is not an easy one to walk through. don't try and walk through them all at once, or put too much pressure on yourself. and don't think by coming out to your family that suddenly all will be well. it probably wont.

i recommend the tried and true formula that has worked for many many many other gay people out there. bite your tongue until you go to uni, hang onto the good people in your life at the moment that you can rely on and be honest with, work on yourself and feeling good about yourself... and let it happen on its own.

don't put pressure on yourself to 'meet guys' - that'll come. work on being comfortable in your own skin first. and don't come out until you are STRONG cos it may not be easy and you want to make sure you're strong enough for that.

good luck. :)

and also, don't feel like nightclubs and parties are the only ways to meet other gay people. there are all sorts of opportunities. get good at spotting the gay people in the world around you, look out for kindred spirits.

you'll get there. just look after yourself and have respect for yourself. listen to your intuition AT ALL TIMES. that's the most important thing.