I don't know which way is up anymore

[billyg]

I've been married for 12 years to a wonderful guy who is totally okay with my bisexuality and my need to explore this from time to time with short term relationships and one night stands. We have a son together and a good life. However, last year I met a girl for what I thought would be one of my occasional flings and for the first time in my married life I feel as if I really have cheated on him . I've made the mistake of falling in love - big time - and I'm torn. She's younger than me - only 22 - but is so in tune with herself and her body and her sexuality that I feel like the child. She has taught me so much and makes me feel so alive...and yet, I love my husband desperately. We still have great sex but she fulfills something in me that I just can't get from a straight relationship. More and more I see sexuality as a very fluid thing but I don't even think this about the sex - I think I'm just addicted to her, as a person, and I can't get enough of her. She knows about my husband and says she's ok with it. I've never hidden anything from my husband before, but haven't told him - I can't...I think this would be the dealbreaker for him and now I'm scared she will either get sick of it and dump me or force the issue by telling him....its a train wreck I just don't know what to do.

[robbie]

After reading your thread once, I read it again to see if you mentioned if you "loved" your husband, and you do, "desperately".. if I hadn't seen the word love, my recommendation below would of differed.

There are always disadvantages of having your cake and eating it too and I think this type of scenario is inevitable in most open relationships.

I think you have to make a choice - not on your sexuality - either the girl or your husband and child.

If I was in your shoes, I know which road I would travel on.

You're in a hard place. Best of luck to you.

[billyg]

thanks Robbie.
Love's a funny word isn't it, all too easily bandied about. Am I really in love with this woman or in love with the idea of being in love with her? I've always had a slightly obsessive nature....!
Conversely, am I still 'in' love with my husband, or do I just love him for all that we have shared? I might be playing with words but it seems to me there is a difference and one I need to explore.
If I want to be honest, in my heart of hearts, there is no contest. I have a history with this man and on that alone he is worthy of consideration. The bottom line is he has done nothing wrong and has given me unending support and trust on what has at times been a difficult journey for both of us.
Shit....I think I have my answer. Doesn't make it any easier, but thank you anyway

[billyg]

Well I've had a couple of drinks...more than a couple actually. My son's safely tucked up in bed and I'm ignoring the 3 txts she has sent me already this evening. I'm here alone except for Nicholas (my beautiful beautiful little boy)and she knows that. My husband has been helping friends of ours move house on the coast over Easter. That's the trouble...too much time on my hands to see my life for the stuff up it is. I think I've almost decided to talk to Michael - tell him everything - when he gets home tomorrow night and see how it goes from there. Wish me luck...

[billyg]

well he came home and i've told him eveything...very tired..haven't slept. didn't go well but i guess it could've gone worse.got to think this through. might try and work through some stuff via a blog.dunno.its the writer in me - need to get it out somehow. can't see much point in continuing with this thread.thanks robbie for caring enough to respond

[billyg]

He wants to see her - not meet her, just see her. What should I do?

[Thatguy]

First step - Get some professional help

Go to Australian Psychological Society website http://www.psychology.org.au/ and click on the "Find a counsellor" link or use the free call number - 1800 333 497 . This is a free call referral line - not a counselling line - so tell the operator what you are after and where - eg relationship, bisexuality, Brisbane.)

This is pretty serious stuff your talking about, you mentioned a "train wreck", so lets see if we can do something before you go off the rails

Second step - self care

Be good to yourself, make sure your eating properly, not drinking too much ect, try to get some sleep. You can't expect to make any good decisions if your not feeling yourself.

Third step - Hmmmm

What should you do? Well, speaking from experience - HOW you tell someone can matter as much as WHAT you tell someone. So, think about what you do, and the only other advice is to do it with respect. So, respect your relationship, yourself and feelings and the other people involved in this situation.

It might feel like a mess, but it is your journey

[Holly Golightly]

Hi billyg

I found reading your thread the past couple of days quite compelling, but havent had a moment to write, until now.

I know where youre at. I blew my marriage out of the water when I confessed to my husband that I was in love with a woman. Difference, she was my best (straight) friend, I believed I was straight and continued to think so for a couple of years after that, and my marriage was in the shit anyway, existing out of habit. The way it went after that: she cut me off, he had an affair a year later even though he seemed to be coping with the fact. Nothing ever happened between me and her, but we were increadibly close. After "the confession", I didnt speak to her again for years. There was never any affair. The devestation afterwards was a nightmare - I lived that nightmare for years as my life changed, completely. It led me to where I am now, independent, no-complications, loving my freedom, realising that i am gay.

Be careful with this girl. Shounds like she may be getting a bit of a kick out of the whole thing, what do you expect from a 22 yr old I guess.. I suspect she wont have the dedication or strength to stick with you through any fall-out. And there will be fall-out. You need to be strong, even though it is all so surreal now. You may end up on your own and you need to be able to accept that.

And dont let your husband go anywhere near this girl. There is no point, and its too risky that someone may do something stupid. Theres enough drama happening now.

1. You should both get counselling - you and hubby - and you alone.
2. You need to work out who you want to be with. Its hard to choose, I know. You may think you can love two people at once, but those two people may not handle that at all. If its her that you want pursue that, but realise that there are no guarantees as to how things will go. If its him, cut her off completely, and re-think the whole idea of sleeping with women (or anyone else for that matter) whilst you are married to him - you realise now that we are not just flesh and bone - feelings can develop with sex. its actually got nothing to do with morality. People get hurt.
3. you need to think of the practical issues if you choose her, ie. family law, but dont let that stop you from following whats in your heart
4. Look after yourself

Thatguys advice was fantastic. Stay calm. Look after yourself.

Good luck.

holly

[billyg]

thanks to both thatguy & holly golightly. You've both posted some fantastic advice and I'm taking it on board. Quite a bit has happened in the last 36 hours which I am still processing, not the least of which is I came off my motorbike and have been given an enforced lay off and quite a bit of time to think things through alone. I'm ok, but it acted as a bit of a circuit breaker as I was definitely spiralling out of control. Anyways - I'll post an update as soon as I can but I can assure you both I'm giving everything you said careful consideration and thanks again. I felt very alone til I found samsame.
Billy

[robbie]

Chin up Billy... sorry I haven't had the chance to get back to you privately.. hopefully this time you now have will give you the time to find what you really want..

[billyg]

no need to worry kids, problem solved. As of this arvo she broke up with me 'for the greater good' How very fucking noble of her! Please forgive anything i may say as I'm a bit out of it on pain and painkillers. I'm sure there's a lesson in all this for me to bloody learn and yes I will take care of myself and yes I will see yet another bloody counsellor (I've seen one or two in my time) and I'm sure all of this will make me stronger blah blah blah. Right now I don't give a shit. It just hurts. Even if it is the right thing which I suspect it is - it just bloody hurts
bye
Billy

[billyg]

I reckon this thread has reached it's natural conclusion. I'll probably continue venting my spleen via my blog if you want to know where I'm at, wherever the hell that is. If you can figure out where I'm at feel free to tell me.
Billy
ps - it still hurts

[Thatguy]

Hey Billy,

You poor thing, thinking of you and hoping your being good to yourself.

When it hurts so much it can be hard to see clearly. A good friend told me that you meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Also, the pain is a reflection of how real the experience was for you. So, get through today and know you have people who are thinking of you.

xx

[billyg]

Hey Billy,

You poor thing, thinking of you and hoping your being good to yourself.

When it hurts so much it can be hard to see clearly. A good friend told me that you meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Also, the pain is a reflection of how real the experience was for you. So, get through today and know you have people who are thinking of you.

xx
Thanks babe. I'm trying to be good to myself. I really am. Good advice as always.
thanks again
Billy xx