Breaking The Cycle - Getting Out Of Abusive Relationships

[Christian Taylor]

i have to say, there must be nothing worse than falling in love with an abuser. how traumatic. and it's not hard to see how that kind of thing becomes a pattern.

[waterrat]

I'm going to repost here cause it covers the same topic:

If anything like this happens to you...please don't hesitate call the Police. If you are concerned about your sexuality when dealing with them you can request that a (they have a few names) Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officer (GLLO) or in Qld (that I know of) a Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender/Intersex (GLBTI) liaison officer attend.

Yes laws do vary from state to state, but I believe there is a fair concensus now that if two people are living in a domestic relationship...it is **their** perception of the relationship that matters, not the whole man/wife defacto thing whatever that is. As far as the law is concerned anyway, I'm unsure how they are interpreted civilly.

[waterrat]

I don't think the problem is falling in love with an abuser....because they usually don't show their true colours until well into a relationship....It becomes a problem because once the pattern emerges the abused feels powerless in their situation and unable to get themselves out of it for various reasons. It kind of creeps up on you.

I've been in an abusive relationship many many years ago...and when I got out of it I was surprised because so many times I had heard about r'ships like this and though "why don't they just leave?" Now I know why they don't.

You think they can change
You think noone else will love you
They promise it will be the last time
You don't know where to go
You feel sorry for them
They break down and blame their childhood abuse for their actions

There are so many reasons why you stay. but one day resolve forms and you know you can't, and you will not put yourself through it anymore

and that is the day you move forward :D

[Chasey]

Ah, such truth in this article. My last relationship was abusive. All my prior ones healthy, including my current one. For many months my abuser, taunted me, I stood up for myself, yet never retilated, thinking that her reactions were not personal. Eventual I did react, as soon as I did - she told me that I was an abuser. Then she told everyone else. This still haunts me i.e the thought that she could be right.

Since: I find it hard to trust my love for someone, this is because I can't believe that I feel in love with an abuser. Also - the lacklustre you speak of is a reality. How do you ever truly know whether you love someone after such a powerfully negative situation? How do you regain trust in your ability to love?

[hazyinseptember]

i was in an abusive relationship for far too long.. i stuck with it a) because i was young b) because i was naive c) because i was scared .. the worst thing is it still haunts me now, i see him out and he does his best to make trouble, the other night he even appeared in a dream .. its one part of my life i really regret as it caused a lot of damage emotionally as well as financially..

[nooneuknow]

For info & resources specifically on Same Sex DV - try here

http://ssdv.acon.org.au/

[jimjazz]

great article. i was also in an abusive relationship but never realised it was connected to my own fear of intimacy! we spend so much time blaming and seein the other as the problem that we rarely stop to consider our own relationship to ourselves. fix your own house before you share it with someone else.

[chad_74]

does anybody know of any studies into gay relationships?
It appears alot of us have experienced at least one "abusive" relationship
perhaps theirs a connection to the dominant one and submissive partner theory though not as clearly seen as those on the s& m scene.

[waterrat]

I don't think there is a dominant in that regard...however there is the element of "control" which is the basis of most abusive relationships. By whatever means (control over money, friends, actions) the abusive partner tries to maintain control over the other...where in the general dominant partner it's usually the "one who wears the pants".


Studies are hard because there is very little reporting of such matter, at least until it becomes a physical altercation where external parties become involved. I would love to have those figures available.

[dreadcircus]

Fantastic Article. It's an awesome thing to have this kind of information out there. :)

[nooneuknow]

does anybody know of any studies into gay relationships?
It appears alot of us have experienced at least one "abusive" relationship
perhaps theirs a connection to the dominant one and submissive partner theory though not as clearly seen as those on the s& m scene.

There's not a lot out there, but there was one released about a year ago that provided a bit of a 'snapshot' of DV in Sydney GLBT relationships - you can check it out here
http://ssdv.acon.org.au/providerinfo/documents/SSDV_A4report.pdf

There are other references in the report.

I think theres a big difference between people who engage in dominant / submissive scenarios, or play out those roles in a consenting relationship and a relationship experiencing DV - the issue with DV is the lack of consent to be treated a particular way.

[Thatguy]

What is the story if you think that someone is in an abusive relationship? About once a week I can hear shouting in a neighbors house. What is the story here? Do I speak to them or should I call someone? I don't want to cause any problems, and some people have very emotional relationships. The other day I am sure I heard something breaking, and I think it is getting worse. But, I don't know if or what I should do.

[Erin-Rose]

It might be a good idea to report it to the police, thatguy. If there is nothing to worry about, at least your neighbours will know that their emotional business is being broadcast to someone in hearing range (they won't know which neighbour called). And if it happens often, the cops will get more of an idea about any excuses that are being made...

[Thatguy]

ok - good idea

[abigail_s2]

That was an enlightening article. I agree with 'dreadcircus,' it is great to have that kind of information out there!
However, there is a part that doesnt quite sit right in my mind. This "deeper feeling of love" with "less intensity"
to me, does not compare to the feeling of wanting to "dry hump them like a deranged dalmatian on heat!"
I crave intensity. Is that the problem? If so, i dont believe its as simple as only changing the way we look at our past?

[kelloggs]

I was abused by the father of my children, first verbally, then phisically when I was pregnant and I could not run fast enough to get away from him.

Ideveloped PTSD and he triggered fashbacks from my abusive father which I had forgotten for a long time. I thought I was developing schizophrenia coz it was so real and I did not remember any of those situations. Thanks god my brother did and does remember and I realised my flashbacks were real memories.

By then I was so sick I was unable to get dressed. I had to make the decision to give my kids to him to be raised because I had no family. My alternative was to give the kids to DOCS to be fostered out. They were 3 and 1 years of age.

I have been to hell and back.

My kids are now 6 and 7. I see them every second weekend and wednesdays after school, as per court order.

They are not exposed to violence now. I have broken the cycle. I am in the picture. I am studying midwifery because the prevalence of domestic violence in Australia for pregnant women is about 20%. I am on a mission.

Do not give up. Do not isolate yourself. And if it looks like violence, smells like violence and feels like violence, it is violence. Do not tolerate it. Bastards and bitches thrive on the weak. Be strong.

[Trillian]

These articles are all the same. Sorry to be a downer, but really, for those of us who have been through this type of experience, the descriptive type article only meets a certain need. Yes, it's always nice to know "i'm not the only one" or, there are others out there in my situation... but now what? Where do you turn to heal and get OUT of this cycle/habit/tendancy... reading one pamphlet from ACON is not going to turn around several decades of old habits. The healing, support and "after care" is where the focus and access needs to be.

[Trillian]

These articles are all the same. Sorry to be a downer, but really, for those of us who have been through this type of experience, the descriptive type article only meets a certain need. Yes, it's always nice to know "i'm not the only one" or, there are others out there in my situation... but now what? Where do you turn to heal and get OUT of this cycle/habit/tendancy... reading one pamphlet from ACON is not going to turn around several decades of old habits. The healing, support and "after care" is where the focus and access needs to be.

[Trillian]

These articles are all the same. Sorry to be a downer, but really, for those of us who have been through this type of experience, the descriptive type article only meets a certain need. Yes, it's always nice to know "i'm not the only one" or, there are others out there in my situation... but now what? Where do you turn to heal and get OUT of this cycle/habit/tendancy... reading one pamphlet from ACON is not going to turn around several decades of old habits. The healing, support and "after care" is where the focus and access needs to be.