Open relationships, casual sex and infidelity.

[jadechai]

Hi all,

I was hoping I'd be able to get some feedback on this topic.
Have you been in an open relationship?
How did it work?
Where did you draw the line?
Would you do it again?

If you could PM me with your thoughts, experiences, comments...
It would be much appreciated.
Cheers everyone :)

[hazyinseptember]

i made the decisision a few years ago that i will never go into a monogamous relationship again..

after being in long term relationships since i was 18 ( 3, 5 and 3 years each... im now 30 ) the main point that came to head in all of them was the fact i just lost intrest in sex after a year of being together.. ( and other normal and not so normal relationship issues as well .. sex was not the only issue )

would you eat the same meal everyday for 3 years?

since that time i have had one open relationship that lasted almost a year, and broke up over issues of time and direction.

just like a monogomous relationship you need rules and standing that are equal to both parties.. unfair rules just cause problems later on and usually lead to them being broken ( no anal sex, no sex with people you know etc.. )

I think in the long run it all comes down to respect for the other person and the ability to seperate sex and love. The open relationships ive seen fail seem to be because of silly and unfair limitations, if your going to do it, do it properly .

[jadechai]

Thanks for that!

Anyone else!?

[genkij]

We r near on 12 years ...Open Relationship is the only way to go if you want it to last ...lay down the rules plan & simple ..... & it works

The difference between Love & Sex is very large for some but not for others ....I respect that.

[Tristianity]

Open Relationship is the only way to go if you want it to last ...lay down the rules plan & simple .....

Ummm i don't think so... i believe it creates jealousy and unnecessary competitiveness, i've been in an exclusive relationship now for 3 years and i would hate the thought of another man doing sexual activities with my man!

[Mr Azza]

I totally agree with Tristianity.
Personally, if you really love someone, you shouldn't need anything else.

Getting "bored" in a relationship is just another of life's challenges and is something you need to work through together. My finance and I went through this not to long ago, our relationship was going great, but, some particular parts of the relationship (i.e. our sex life) wasn't exactly what we would classify as a "healthy relationship". So we talked about it, and now things are better than ever.

The solution isn't to bring in new people or have an "open" relationship. You just need to know and understand each others wants and desires.

[meezon04]

"I believe that trust is more important than manogamy"

I dunno if that's me though. I've thought about it but basically you might as well stay single if you're gunna be non-mangamous - saves hurting people and yourself, and you're doubling your chances of STI's if both you and the man are both riding the city bike marathon every saturday night, or more often

I'm a lot more open about the idea of it than I used to be, and basically as long as you're totally honest with each other and what you want out of the relationship, whether it's safe and how you handle the whole idea, then sure, it could work :)

[hazyinseptember]

I've thought about it but basically you might as well stay single if you're gunna be non-mangamous - saves hurting people and yourself

sorry but thats rubbish.. :confused:

you can get hurt in relationships wether they are monogamous or not.. what does that have to do with love and companionship?

Ummm i don't think so... i believe it creates jealousy and unnecessary competitiveness, i've been in an exclusive relationship now for 3 years and i would hate the thought of another man doing sexual activities with my man!

have you asked yourself why this is? do you consider him to be a possession that is yours exclusivly? how does it create "unnecessary competitiveness"?

[danny corvini]

I think in the long run it all comes down to respect for the other person and the ability to seperate sex and love. The open relationships ive seen fail seem to be because of silly and unfair limitations, if your going to do it, do it properly .

An ability to seperate sex and love. Such a noble concept, and one that I've given a fair spin, and sooooo male, but one that I doubt actually sticks.

[Cheetah77]

We r near on 12 years ...Open Relationship is the only way to go if you want it to last ...lay down the rules plan & simple ..... & it works

The difference between Love & Sex is very large for some but not for others ....I respect that.

I disagree. My partner and I are going on 9 yrs and are and have always been 100% exclusive. To say "it's the only way to go if you want it to last" is silly. To say you need to be able to have sex with other people to make your relationship work is ridiculous.

I don't condemn ppl for making that choice but personally, I think it defeats the purpose of being in a relationship.

Azza's right. You can't expect the sexual side of a relationship to stay hot and heavy by itself but to just say "oh well, we'll just do other ppl instead" is a cop out. All you need is to put in a bit of effort and a little imagination. You don't have to turn into a "best friends with no benefits" you know!

[Christian Taylor]

i don't think an open relationship is people's response to 'relationship boredom' - i think it can be, sure - but there's also an aspect to open relationships that implies a lack of ownership over the other. in my opinion it's a model to really strive for. loving someone enough to let them have a really full life experience, being realistic enough to know that one person cannot give another everything in life, loving someone enough to put your own insecurities aside so that the other person can be explore themselves sexually if they choose to, giving the other the freedom to have connections with others in a myriad of ways... i think that's love.

and i think that jealousy is an issue that people need to address within themselves. you don't combat jealousy by making others change their behaviour - you work through the reasons why you are insecure. you build that trust. you realise that a person should have sovereignty over themselves. when you overcome your own jealousy, you grow as a person.

not to discount monogamy either - but as far as i am concerned monogamy means knowing you could have anyone, but choosing to have what you have at home.

that is also love.

[hazyinseptember]

I don't condemn ppl for making that choice but personally, I think it defeats the purpose of being in a relationship.


please explain this.. its a pretty general comment


ability to seperate sex and love. Such a noble concept, and one that I've given a fair spin, and sooooo male, but one that I doubt actually sticks.

do you fall in love with everyone who you have slept with?... or even if you have slept with them more than once?...

[Christian Taylor]

i'm with you hazy - sex and love can go together but they are not the same thing. sorry people, they just aren't. i have had love without sex and sex without love.

although i think the day i find both i'll probably never get out of bed again.

[Cheetah77]

What I meant Hazy, is that for me, to be in a relationship is to give yourself completely to that person. If you're not willing to do that, then you shouldn't be in a relationship...

[hazyinseptember]

who are you to judge if a person should be in a relationship or not? on your own moral grounds? why the hell do we have to subscribe to your relationship ideals to be worthy to have one? sheesh..

im sorry cheetah, but thinking like this is exactly whats wrong with the gay community at the moment..

and please dont read that as me saying "im right, your wrong" .. what i am saying is think of the closed thinking and intollerance of your statement... why the hell should people respect us if we cant respect others?

[Cheetah77]

I've already said that I don't condemn other people for making that choice, just that it's not for me.

I can see where you're coming from with "what i am saying is think of the closed thinking and intollerance of your statement... why the hell should people respect us if we cant respect others?" but that leads me to say that (among other things) the gay community's promiscuity, including having open relationships, is one of the contributing reasons to us being watched and reported on (see Christian's article "You Are Being Watched") and largely responsible for a lot of people's impressions of us as being deviants and immoral.

You say people don't respect us because we don't respect each other, how about the behaviour of people who go around fucking whatever moves, that tells those people that I am those things, simply by association?

[danny corvini]

I would hate to really love a guy and him to want to sleep with other people when I wouldn't want him to. I think it would kill a certain important sweet part of the relationship.
I have been in one just major relationship but it lasted 5 and a half years and was monogamous. I've also been not in relationships and had a lot of fun playing the field.
I guess I can't say what I would expect of the next real relationship. But it's so important that both guys are on the same page with this stuff.

[hazyinseptember]

I've already said that I don't condemn other people for making that choice, just that it's not for me.

I can see where you're coming from with "what i am saying is think of the closed thinking and intollerance of your statement... why the hell should people respect us if we cant respect others?" but that leads me to say that (among other things) the gay community's promiscuity, including having open relationships, is one of the contributing reasons to us being watched and reported on (see Christian's article "You Are Being Watched") and largely responsible for a lot of people's impressions of us as being deviants and immoral.

a) the people who are watching us and think we are deviant and immoral thought so well before the advent of the internet and gaydar.. gay men and our "deviant and immoral" thinking has been around since before the bible..
b) why should you care what mr white middle class australia thinks of you?.. if your so concerned what other people think of you thank god your not a black, disabled lesbian..
c) what the hell does all this have to do with being able to love someone without being exclusive to them?

You say people don't respect us because we don't respect each other, how about the behaviour of people who go around fucking whatever moves, that tells those people that I am those things, simply by association?

{big deep breath}

please define "fucking whatever moves".. because if your telling me that people who are not in monogomous relationships are in this bracket ill.. fuck... i dont know what ill do but i wont be very pleasant.. :eek:

Cheetah mate.. before you fall off your moral high horse and hurt something, please consider what your saying..

[fcukmy318i]

And This Is Why I Wish I Was Straight - What The Fuck Is With Gay Guys And Needing Several Partners In The Bed....my Fuck

[XxVCE_VixenxX]

Have you been in an open relationship? Yes I have, more than one actually. This is most likely reflective of my age.. I'm yet to experience the holy grail that is a long term partner...

How did it work? In a word - Easily. We both went into the relationship knowing what we both needed/wanted and what our boundaries were. It was admittedly sometimes bizarre in its application (organising times much like an appointment).

Where did you draw the line? Sex. I'm sure that most 'casual' relationships use this as its standard boundary. This is what we both entered the relationship for and none of us expected anything more from one another. Also practical things like being able to see other people were also considered and "I love you's" (no matter if used in the throws of passion) were a big no no.

Would you do it again? No I wouldn't. For me personally at least it seems to lead to feelings of inferiority and uselessness. Also its hard for two people to know each other in an intimate manner and stop there. I would advise jadechai to do so with caution. Just consider the wider affects that entering such a relationship can have on your emotions and mentality. If however you are totally sure that it is just the sexual aspect of a relationship you want... GO FOR YOUR LIFE!

[burgjo]

wow - this one has gotten heated boys.... i was in a 7 yr relationship that i thought to be monogamous. I was totally shattered when i discovered this had been one sided. So I agree with danny - it's painful to love someone and find out that they are sleeping around.

Cheetah - i have to agree with you on this one - monogamy 100% - if you love someone - then they should be everything you need!