hanging in there, for how long???

[mick65]

It is one of those time that I have so often of feeling alone and worthless.
I cry myself to sleep often and sometimes through the day when I am on my own.

Now I know men don't or must not cry and I have had some people say you should not or must not cry. What hurts even more is some of these people were ones I trusted and I cannot trust them any more. Thankfully I had not told them I was gay and never will. I didn't realize how much I am hated
This has created another problem for me, I am so unsure of who I can trust now. I know I can trust most of my family,but I think everyone need the trust of a friend or friends. I do have the trust of the only friend I have, but I don't see her that often.there are many times I need a bloke to talk to, you know a mate. but I don't have a mate, not even a straight bloke.
I feel so worthless so often.
I hate myself because of who and what I am.
I know I have nothing to be ashamed of being gay ,but I often do feel ashamed.
Even though my parents and some family know I am gay and it doesn't seem to bother them, well I hope it Doesn't. I wonder sometimes as I get left out or left behind by some.

I do worry what the rest of the world would think if they knew I was gay.To me it takes a lot of guts to admit something about yourself and because I am such a coward, that I hid the truth and I still hide the truth. I also worried if the world knew I am gay , how it would effect my family and how the world would treat them. I don't want them to suffer any humiliation, people can be very cruel.
My brief encounter with the gay scene some time ago has also left me feeling worthless and rejected. Because I am not good looking fit and healthy, I was made to feel like an outcast.

So where the hell do I belong in the gay scheme of things? What the hell am I here for? I feel not much anymore.


I know I am no hunk and as for fit, well it don't take very long to work out that I am not fit and that I have a disability, it is so easy to tell because I walk with a limp. And to add to this is the most despised of all disabilities : depression, something a lot don't or want to understand. I am on medication, I have had counseling,
I remember one bloke say to me, " I don't know why your here because you are a ugly crippled up *&^%!." I knew this already.
At the time it hurt ,but I didn't show it, even when others in ear shot laughed. From that moment on I stopped going out to the only gay place around .

I don't want anyones sympathy or pity. Go ahead pass judgment on me.

I know that I will always be alone and as much as this hurts I have to except this. A family member tells me to hang in there,things will get better, but they don't know the half of it.
I often wonder just for how much longer can I hang in there?

[Christian Taylor]

your words have really moved me. there is so much i feel compelled to write to you in response...

i guess it's hard for you at the moment to meet new people. you're quite isolated, you're not in a position to get out there, you feel like you don't belong. some aspects of the gay culture can be dreadfully alienating.

i guess one thing worth saying to you - you are not the only person feeling this way.

the second thing i want to say to you, is that you need to put that awful comment from that awful person out of your mind. sometimes the words that come out of young people's mouths can be so vitriolic, so cowardly... taking a cheap shot at someone is just pathetic. don't you take it on as truth. don't you let that comment, and the negative thoughts in your head, define who you are.

you are more than this.

don't let one cowardly remark live on in your mind as proof of all the things you dislike about yourself... it's obvious that person is totally insecure to be trying to bully you - especially in a gay bar! in a place that's meant to be inclusive, a place where you are meant to feel welcome.

unfortunately, you are right, there is a lot of conformity and superficiality in the gay scene. i feel that i am lucky to be living in sydney, where we have some spaces that embrace alternative types of beauty, people from all walks of life...

i think first and foremost you need to start being kinder to yourself. so you've gotten a shitty deal in life in terms of your disability. that's not something you can do much about. but what you can do is stop beating yourself up about it. stop feeling alienated from yourself. stop feeling guilty for being who you are. stop hating yourself. stop defining yourself by what you are not.

these are all such negative things, and they will swamp you. i have felt similar things before and these patterns of behaviour will never get you anywhere.

it's tough that you feel lonely, that you feel that you have no-one to reach out to, that you will always be this way, that you will remain alone, that you will never be understood.

what's happened lately to make you feel like you can't trust the people around you?

i think the most important thing at the moment is trying to stop the negative thoughts in your head. you need to look around your world and try to start doing things that will make you feel better. they don't have to be gay things. when i was feeling really down i went out and started taking a remedial massage course. it engaged my body and my mind, it was social, it was something totally removed from anything i'd ever done before, and you know what - it put me on a different path.

i know this may not work for everyone - but the longer you stew about the things you cannot change, the longer you'll remain a victim.

if there's anything you've ever wanted to do, if there are skills you have that might make a difference in your life or someone else's life, consider doing them today. maybe you could volunteer somewhere? maybe you could start studying something? perhaps you could meditate? read? sing? learn an instrument? go see a psychic or a tarot reader?

sounds like you need some hope and guidance. there are all sorts of places you can find this...

i once heard someone say, "the fool seeks happiness off in the distance, the wise man grows it under his feet". i really love that line. it basically means - don't seek happiness miles away from you - don't think a boyfriend will change the way you see yourself, don't think external things will change the way you see yourself - start today by learning to love who you are on the inside.

i truly believe that there are people in this world who will love you and value you for who you are. and they will cross your path at some point.

please stay in touch with us and let us know how you're doing. i really hope you can be inspired to focus on becoming stronger within yourself. then you can be ready for whatever the world throws at you.

i will be thinking of you. :)

[Thrawn04]

Its a shame whats happened to you. I can say you're not alone when you say that you feel alone - ironic that... I am also alone.
I'd say just take each day as it comes and always look on the bright side of life. That's what I do.
Good luck Mick and hope it gets better for you!

[mick65]

I found this verse today, it says exactly what I need.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend".

[mick65]

Thank you to Christian Taylor & Thrawn 04 for reading and replying to my thread.
I appreciate this very much.
At this time I am doing o.k, just trying to get on with things the best I can.

When you are trying to move forward and when you feel that your on your own, it feels even more difficult . I know there are many that have or are going through times of loneliness and also trying to except who you are and also longing to live a life and be with people that are similar to yourself. All it takes sometime is the words, actions or stories of just one or two to give you hope that sometime soon things will work out.

The way I feel about not trusting people has stemmed from having to resign from being a volunteer with a world wide organization. When you are with a group of people you thought that were your friends start to bully and intimidate you over things that were not done to there standard or get a buzz by humiliating you because of your disability , depression, there is only so much you can take.
I loved being a volunteer, but I was not going to continue be anyones slave.
I am so please I didn't tell these people I am gay, I can imagine the buzz they would of have humiliating etc. me.
This volunteer organization has been in the weekend press in recent weeks because of unwanted behavior to wards staff and volunteer members.

I want to put this behind me, but some people don't give up and the rumors to why I resigned are on the rounds even after all this time. It gets back to me and it hurts, It bloody hard to move on when people continue with crap.

All I want now is to move forward. I don't care any more who knows I am gay. I am fed up with feeling ashamed and hating myself. I am not going to do things anymore to hide my sexuality. If people ask or find out I am gay and they can't handle it, Tuff . I just hope they remember they have the problem with me and not my family and they leave my family alone.
I want to get more involved with the gay community . This is a big step for me and I want to take my time. I am going to need some help, so I hope I find and make friends that will help me along the way. I hope that I can also be a friend to others, help them and be there for them too.
I know sometimes its not going to easy, One thing I will ask is to be patient with me, I can get nervous and yep I am a sensitive too. Also my self esteem is shot to pieces, I hope that this will improve.

A couple of weeks ago I stumbled on to same same.com.au and I am so pleased I found it.
My best wishes to everyone, hope I hear from you.
Michael

[mick65]

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend".

[dreadcircus]

Woah! Hi Mick.

I'm sorry to hear you are not in the best mind frame at present. From reading your posts it seems to me you really need to connect with yourself. Depression is a horrid thing, I've been there many times myself. Everytime I have beaten it tho it has come from within, actually beginning to love oneself more than before. Instead of focusing on the negative things, make a list of the great things you are and have achieved. Other human beings will always find the negative as so many people walking this earth truly are unhappy and take it out on others who on the outside seem more vulnerable. It's hard to control this phenomenon so instead just be yourself.

Volunteer work is so admirable. Draw from your past work. You have changed lives, made a difference. This is a great place to start your self appreciation and build on from there. Just because this group of people within that organization turned out to be assholes doesn't mean the next volunteer group will be. Perhaps try joining a glbt volunteer group. Helping people with HIV, something which I have done in the past to break out of depression. Volunteer groups of this ilk have support for the volunteers also which broadens the gay scene from the typical clubs/pubs to genuine contacts and friends.

Remember everybody has baggage, no body is perfect. I think you come across as a wonderful man who seems to be bursting with a ton of goodness to share. you family will always love you, even when things break down between our families, time usually heals. just knowing already they love you is yet another great building block to grow from.

My words are from my experience of alienation as a transgender woman. On a daily basis I'm laughed at, sneered, abused and sometimes even bashed just for being who I am. Sure it gets me down but channeling that negative energy into the will to survive and be content within myself has lead me to meet some amazing friends and lovers and be a part of some events and situations many other so called "normal" people will never have the joy of experiencing.

Thankyou for the courageous post. I feel honored being able to read an insight to who you are and converse with you sharing thoughts and hopefully making a difference.

Feel free to email me anytime for a chat :)

Be good to yourself and great things will fall in your lap :)
Peace n hugs Mick,

Jade
x

[mick65]

Thank you Dreadcircus for your wonderful words.

I hope to find another volunteer group; it will be very different from the one I left.
I loved helping others and passing on skills and also I have been told I make a great cuppa. As for changing people’s lives, well I hope I did.
One thing I appreciated most of all was getting thank you, it is the best reward. Thankfully not all member of that organization were assholes.

You are an incredible woman, with experiencing hurtful things every day and even worse getting bashed, some how you find the courage from within to continue with your life and by the sounds of it you have made friends that care about you.

Depression is something you have deal with, but you need the understanding of the people around you. Thankfully I have the love and support of my folks and some of my family too.

Yes I did meet a very wonderful man many years ago and the short time we had together was very special. There will always be a place in my heart for him. Maybe one day I will meet another wonderful man. I think I still have heaps of love to give someone.

Thank you for your kindness and thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with.
Take care of yourself, keep safe
Michael

[Thatguy]

Michael,

I am so pleased to see lovely messages of encouragement for you - and congratulations on sharing your feelings - your words about the shame you have felt about being gay are very moving. I want you to know that your not alone.

Many people who we come in contact with seem to have it all. They seem happy. They look satisfied with their lives. You've probably had the experience of walking down the street when you're having a particularly bad day, and you've looked around and thought, "Why can't I just be happy like everyone around me? They don't feel as if a dark cloud is always looming over their heads. They don't suffer the way I suffer, Why can't I be like them?"

Here is the secret: They do, just like you. We all have pain. Everyone, if they have lived long enough, will feel the devastation of losing someone they love. Every single person has felt physical pain. Everyone has felt sadness, shame, anxiety, fear and loss. We all have memories that are embarrassing, humiliating or shameful. We all carry painful hidden secrets. We tend to put on shiny, happy faces , pretending that everything is ok, and that life is "all good". But it isn't and it can't be. To be human is to experience that pain - it is the bittersweet cost of what it means to be truly alive.

My only advice is don't let your fear or pain hold you back from living the kind of life you want to live. If fear, sadness and shame rules your life then you may start to live your life in ways to accommodate your problems, and as a result your life becomes narrower and narrower.

Often we attach ourselves to our pain, and we start to judge our lives based on how we feel and not on what we do. In a way, we become our pain. However, the honesty in your messages above contain the seeds of another kind of life. a life in which you have the kind of life your truly want to live. You do have heaps of love to give and I know that step by step you will find many people to walk beside you on your journey of living a vital, valued, meaningful life.

[mick65]

Thank you thatguy for your comments and words of encouragement.

[mick65]

This is to everyone that has replied or read my thread.
I did not think anyone would read what I posted and I am overwhelmed by the the kindness, the support and the encouragement that I have received.
Up until 2 weeks ago, I really didn't have the opportunity to tell anyone how I was feeling,especially to people like or similar to myself. This website has given me that opportunity.
I now have a way to contact people through this website, people I want to get know and become more involved in the GLBT community where I too can hopefully make a difference.
I am so pleased I stumbled on to same same.

I thank all of you. Each one of you are kind, caring, loving and understanding people and all of you are very special.
Best wishes to all
Michael

[Thrawn04]

This is to everyone that has replied or read my thread.
I did not think anyone would read what I posted and I am overwhelmed by the the kindness, the support and the encouragement that I have received.
Up until 2 weeks ago, I really didn't have the opportunity to tell anyone how I was feeling,especially to people like or similar to myself. This website has given me that opportunity.
I now have a way to contact people through this website, people I want to get know and become more involved in the GLBT community where I too can hopefully make a difference.
I am so pleased I stumbled on to same same.

I thank all of you. Each one of you are kind, caring, loving and understanding people and all of you are very special.
Best wishes to all
Michael

Thanks for that encouragement Michael! I'm glad we have left a good impression on you - you deserve it :)
I'm with you when you said that before SameSame you didn't really have the opportunities to express yourself. I felt the same way.
Have a great weekend. ;)

[sneakos]

As for changing people’s lives, well I hope I did.


Dear Mick

I'v been watching this thread, and (liek another similar one) have been touched - but not sure how to reply

Touched - because I can relate to some of what you (and others) have said

I too have suffered depression, and its a horrible place to be - and the sense of being alone in th world is crushing

You mentioned the quote iv attached above - I want you to know that I feel richer as a person for having had the opportunity to share this small part of your journey - albeit online

I love this site - I'v deleted all my profiles from other (sleazy) sites that I had a few years ago - and to be honest, some of that contributed to my depression - feeling "too old" for what was being "sought" by others on gaydar, gaymatchmaker, etc - and I wasnt really interested in one nite hook-ups

Dont get my wrong, I'm no saint (lol!) and have been there in th past - however, it doesnt work for me anymore. Having been "outed" when I was at school back in the early 80s, I got bullied heaps (it was so not cool to be gay at an all boys private rugby school back in the 80s - lol!), I was introduced to "beats" at 14yo by an older man

After my experience at school, and a difficult home life, being "sought after" at a beat (as I was back then) was prolly th only place I felt like I was wanted

I carried this behaviour on for a few years, and a psychologist would prolly term it as "learned behaviour". However, I dont want to abdicate my responsibility for my choices

I guess as I got older, I was no longer the "sought after" person - and this I experienced also on the sleazy hook up sites

All my friends know I am gay, and I work with a couple of gay people, and I'v really learned to nurture and take care of myself (most of the time). I still have my moments - but I suspect that is life

I guess after a troubled teen/20s life, I'm now learning to love myselfd

And of course I found samesame

And it is so refreshing to have a site not hung up on sleaze that I'v encountered on other sites

Forgive me for prattling on abut me (hahaha!) but I just wnated to let you know that I have been touched as I have watched this thread

Best wishes and hugs

Pete

xoxox

[mick65]

G'day sneakos (Pete)
Thank you for replying and sharing your thoughts.

I too had a profile on another website and I can agree , it got me down too.
I use to log into the Queensland chat room, everyone was chatting, I would make comment or say I could relate to something , only to receive negative responses or attacked with words that were often offending to me. No one reads profiles, well if they did they didn't read the whole thing. And yes the sleaze made me feel uncomfortable, seemed if you were not sleazy enough you didn't belong.

My quote "As for changing people’s lives, well I hope I did". I really do hope I did. I now hope to change not only my life and other peoples lives too.

The changes I hope to make to my own life maybe difficult at times, but I am sure with encouragement and help from my Folks and some family and also from new friends that I will hopefully make on this website.

Michael

[taylor-dayne]

hey mick65,

you sound like a total sweetheart with so much to give and i only wish you the best in life. you keep us up to date, you keep on trying to smile and give yourself as much love and kindness as you can - and may good things come your way!

td.

[mick65]

Recently I said thank you to everyone who had replied to my thread hanging in there, for how long???
There is someone else I would like to say thank you to.
I want to say thank you to him here as I may not to get to thank him in person.
The person I would like to say thank you to is Mr. Adam Sutton.
If it was not for Adam I would have never known about the same same site.

I finally found Adam's book " Say it out loud" and as I was reading his story, I wanted to know what he was doing now. I did a search on the net that lead me to the feature story by Christian Taylor about Adam's inspiring speech he made in Oct 2007. After reading Adam's speech , I explored the same same site and I became a member.
This gave me the opportunity to express how I was feeling about myself and getting replies from wonderful people who have given me so much support.
Also I now have contact with people in a community that I had denied myself access to for far too long.

With the situation I had to deal with in early May, I t was a time I found it difficult and very emotional , especially as it had to deal with events that happen about 12 months ago.
Finding Adam's Book in the bookstore when I did was something I believe was meant to happen.
Reading Adams book, I cried when he cried. I also had a laugh with him too. There were so many time I wanted to be there to give him a hug.
He's courage to deal with situations, take on tasks and people gave him the strength not to give up and to finally deal with the toughest challenge, excepting himself for who he was and gave himself the strength to say it out load.
Adam has said he is no one special, I can tell you he is very special. I know Adam is going to do many special things not just for himself and his life,but for many others and their lives too. He has made a difference to my life.
I thank Adam so much for writing his story, for giving me hope and also inspiring me not to give up.
I would be so very proud if I had a friend like Adam Sutton.

I have finished reading Adam's book, it now sits on the shelf in my computer desk were I can see it and every now and then I take it down and I read the page it opens on. Its a book I now cherish very much.

Yep I am hanging in there, Thanks to everyone here and my folks. I know there are going to be tough times, but I will deal with things as they happen.

I would like to say to everyone, hang in there too. I hope that I can help someone, one day too.
Take Care
regards
Michael

[Christian Taylor]

hey michael, you're someone special too... remember that. and i think it's awesome that you've engaged with adam's book. that's totally what he set out to do by writing it, and i'm sure he'd be tickled pink to know that it moved you so much. i really love seeing people sharing their stories and making a difference in each others' lives by doing so. that's so what life is all about at the end of the day...

[marly]

The gay scene makes a lot of gay people feel that way Mick. Not many people can measure up to its impossible and unattainable standards. And the ones that feel they do usually find out soon enough just how vacuous and empty it all is. I actually think that anybody who hasnt been sucked into the whole scene thing is better off as it can tend to screw people up big time. It may look like fun from the outside and is for a while but it has left many victims in its wake. Not many people escape unscathed.
The good news is that its not what being gay is all about, its only a tiny optional part. You sound like you really need to reach out and find some support. There are plenty of social groups with people who wont judge you based on such superficial and fleeting things as looks. Psychologists never go astray either when needing some help with coming to terms with things and working through issues. Do you have a local gay rag where you live? Perhaps try looking in one for a group etc. It will help you feel more connected and who knows you might find that special someone :)

[mick65]

Thank you Christian,
For some reason the events over recent weeks were meant to happen,why I don't know. May be I will know sometime soon.
Cheers
Michael

[mick65]

hey marly,
There are no gay groups around here.
I have been to counseling and as wonderful people counselor's are, there is no more they can do.
I just want contact with others in the gay community.
As for gay newspapers, I get to see them now and then and they are usually past editions, but they keep this gay country mouse up to date with what happening with the gay city mice.

The only friend I made from my brief encounter with the gay scene some time ago, she get the papers for me.
I only see this friend one a month or once very two months when we meet up for a cuppa.
She is an incredible lady and she knows how lonely I get and she also know that I need at least one gay male friend in my life.
I told her how I found same same and she agrees it was meant to happen and that
there are better thing to come for me.
Thanks Marly for your support
cheers
Michael

[davewb]

Hi michael,
Ur situation is a tough one, considering the area you live and looking after your Mum. Good on you for living with and looking after your Mum - takes a very special person to do that.
What advice can I offer from someone who is currently in 'remission' from depression??
Are you on meds??? Sometimes they work for some people, sometimes they don't.
The internet is great for feeling a little less isolated, but it's no substitute for face to face contact so I feel for you.
Finding gay friends is hard - even when you do live within a reasonable distance of a gay area. Most guys have their own groups already and they are hard to break into.
I'm not helping with no real advice here I know....but try and take each day at a time Michael. Is there a gay telephone support service in your service area??? Having a chat to them might help when things get you really down.
Always remember that you have us here to lend an ear when you need one :-)
Dave

[davewb]

One more piece of advice I can give.

I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but delving into the spiritual side of life might be beneficial for you Michael. By that I DONT mean religion (which can often make things worse).
Over the years during the difficult times I've used Tarot, crystals and all sorts of things. I'm now into the whole Secret/Law of Attraction thing. It's basically a form of therapy in the form of positive thinking. I've found it beneficial but as I said, it's not everyone's cup of tea.

Dave

[chad_74]

Micheal Ill be frank and to the point.
Move house.
Take your mother with you to a more gay friendly/populated centre,
the place you are in is bringing you down ,you don't deserve to be like this and you cannot change small town attitudes.
Micheal do it as soon as possible because loneliness is a terrible thing and over time it will make you bitter, which we dont want.

[davewb]

Micheal Ill be frank and to the point.
Move house.
Take your mother with you to a more gay friendly/populated centre,
the place you are in is bringing you down ,you don't deserve to be like this and you cannot change small town attitudes.
Micheal do it as soon as possible because loneliness is a terrible thing and over time it will make you bitter, which we dont want.
That would be an ideal idea but it may not be possible for him to do that.

One can even be lonely and isolated in a big, gay friendly city.

[mick65]

I hope by the end of August that myself and Mum will be living in Toowoomba. More populated yes, as for for gay friendly, well it will be much better that here.

I will miss the small town, But NOT some of the people here.

Once we have moved and settle in after a bit, I want to get away for a week or so. I need this badly.
I cannot do this at the moment because there is no one to check on Mum.
Mum is not totally reliant on me or anyone, but she does need help with doing some things.
There will be family in Toowoomba that will be there for Mum and I won't have to worry so much if I get to go away.
Mum worries because she knows how lonely I get. She is happy I found same same and that there are wonderful people giving me support.

Finding same same is the best thing that has happen to me for a long time and I hope I can be there for some one too.
Thanks everyone, you are all wonderful
Big hug to all
Michael