Catch 22: You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t

[Jae81m]

Hey All,

I thought I would put the following out there to see what you think.

Last night one of my good friends told me that she is

Falling for a married man (who in the past has been a friend to her and coach to her 6 year old sons soccer team)
Is being showered in gifts by him
Is 33 years older then her (yep 33) – not that’s an issue (just painting the picture here) – she’s 26.
Because she was in a super duper good mood last night (as the guy just spent $500 on her when they went shopping together, while the wife is at home) she decided to call me and share the news.

I was at first was silent then she asked me why I’m not saying anything then I told her that I thought what she is doing is morally wrong because the guy is married with children and your playing a game that you know will end up with someone’s life being ruined. I then followed with, how you would feel if it was your husband going behind your back and spending their money etc etc.

Cutting a long story short - I got told off big time as

I should just be happy for her
She deserves to be happy
The issue of him being married is unfair as the guy is unhappy blah blah blah
I ended the conversation with, look it’s just plain morally wrong and I’m sorry I ruined her buzz from her wonderful afternoon being spoilt from a married man but hey you know what I’m just being honest. If the guy is unhappy wait until he works out what he wants do to with his marriage and not interfere, then if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.

I see it as a catch 22 situation when someone tells you news like this (especially when it’s a good friend), your damned if you do say something and your damned if you don’t.

What do you all think!

[dreadcircus]

I have a tg friend in the same situation. The dude comes up to Sydney to see her whilst leaving a wife and family behind in another state o he can come here shower her with gifts and money before heading back home. I initially handled this situation wrong so I've backed away from it. I went through many emotions from hating him for what he's doing to his family to thinking its ok to now distancing myself as it doesn't concern me. Even if shit went down I'm not involved and I would only be there for my friend in the end.

I guess I'm just letting it happen, keeping out of it but will be there if she wants to chat about it. You are right it's so hard to form an opinion, take sides. I agree its morally wrong and have said so but my life is my own and I can only be there if it all falls apart.

[robbie]

You were right in sharing your opinion Jae.. it is morally wrong. If only people looked at it from the other perspective that you mentioned.. what would she do if she found out her husband was doing that behind her back?

I believe in Karma.. and you don't have to be the cheater to get bad karma..

The thing is, she'll come running to you when it all falls apart, and then you're supposed to just tell her it's going to be all ok..

sometimes bubbles need to be burst early, especially if she doesn't want to think of the consequences..

[GenesisInVain]

sometimes bubbles need to be burst early, especially if she doesn't want to think of the consequences..

I agree Robbie.
How would she feel if she was on the other side of this?
Jae..how can you be happy when it goes against all your morals, you shuld tell her that!

[Jae81m]

Thanks for sharing your point of view Robbie/Dreadcircus.

Its hard hey, its like you know your friend is heading for the edge of a cliff and your first instinct is to say S-T-O-P, but do you risk your own safety and sanity for theirs (or is it worth it)...

I will be there for her no matter what (that’s what real friends are for) but when something is just plain wrong it’s wrong and this situation she is getting herself into is soooooooooooooooo damn crazy. I'm fair from perfect and using a line from "27 dresses" – “my moral compass exactly point north” – well sometimes it doesn’t (hehehe) but hey I just get the worse feeling about this.

I have also been informed that the wife is one to take matters into her own hands (if you get my drift) and this situation has already crossed the line.

I'm starting to feel like Miranda on Sex and the city when she has "these kind of" conversations with Carrie. Miranda gets into trouble for pointing out the edges of the cliff to Carrie but what does Carrie do - the complete opposite. Then without a heartbeat Carrie is on the ringer to Miranda needing an ear to bash and some ego boosting once it goes pear shaped.

I could use reverse psychology on her but then I would also be encouraging this behaviour which I feel strongly against. I’ve seen so many people get hurt this way and even my parents relationship ended like this (I was actually the one that busted my dad with another women (that’s another story in itself) and told my mum when I was five).

I wouldn't be the first to call my friend self-destructive and what I might say next does sound mean and I have said it to her face so I will share (whenever a guy gives her affection/attention, I swear she is already planning what the kids names be and what the wedding song will be played on their first dance together in her head). IM SERIOUS!! – I have a few girlfriends like this…

Who knows what will happen. I just know that its already going to end in tears regardless of which side of the coin hits the floor. Personally I wouldn't want to be someone’s "mistress" it’s so degrading.

I can already hear the words J-E-R-R-Y J-E-R-R-Y J-E-R-R-Y in the back of my head, except I will not be watching it on TV, I have front row tickets.

[Jae81m]

I agree Robbie.
how can you be happy when it goes against all your morals, you shuld tell her that!

I know hey.. I did tell her a few times but gave up as it was tiring (it was a rather long convo, one I nearly hung up several times on)... But regardless - what do you do when you say something to someone and it feels like it goes in one ear gets scrambled and misinterpreted as me just being negative and is disregarded out the other ear.

I could just walk away or distant myself. I have given her a piece of mind and she knows where I stand. I have told her I refuse to give her the time of day to listen to her talking about her romps or sneaking around. But at the end of the day we are friends I just don’t want to be apart of this!

[chad_74]

""how can you be happy when it goes against all your morals, you should tell her that!""



Hello ,,,,its not about you its about her.

If your a friend you don't badger her ,you say your piece diplomatically once and then continue being her friend and being their for her when she'll need you.
It is her life ,your her friend not her lover.Don't overstep the boundary otherwise you wont be friends anymore.

[Anthony Mahera]

By the sound of it she was bragging and when she did get the responses she wanted she retaliated. I think she knows its wrong just dosn't want to admit it or accept it judging by her reaction.

The truth is that there is nothing that we can say or do to make her change her mind or feelings about the bloke. It's like what Eddie Murphy says in RAW, when you find someone that does it to you right, you will go through thick and thin to keep them. Love is blind and the only person who can cure her, is herself and I'm sorry to say that she is proberbly going to learn it the hard way, and when it does come, it'll be three fold, Karma is a bitch! The only thing that you can do is be her support when it comes crashing down. Another thing is that I would not judge her cause it's her life and she can do with it what ever she likes regardless what you might think is morally right, besides even if you do tell her that it's wrong, she still going to see him anyway.

Don't hate me...........but I have been the other man before in an affair and it's complicated from both sides (including the bloke cheating on his wife). I'm not saying it's right, but I think that there is more to this story from both sides.

[Jae81m]

Thanks Anthony/Chad for your input. Yeah I understand what you’re saying and this is one of the reasons why I raised this topic. Not everyone thinks/feels or even responds the same way, so I welcome your insights and suggestions (seems to be my motto I’ve written quite a few times on these forums lately).

Cheers =)

[Chancethegardener]

I thought the comment about her being thrilled by a $500 shopping trip with the guy was quite telling. I don't know how she presented that information to you, but from the way you wrote it it sounds like she's enamored with the sums of cash being spent on her, and not the time he's spending with her. That's troubling!

[Jae81m]

I thought the comment about her being thrilled by a $500 shopping trip with the guy was quite telling. I don't know how she presented that information to you, but from the way you wrote it it sounds like she's enamored with the sums of cash being spent on her, and not the time he's spending with her. That's troubling!

She presented the information over the phone and thats interesting about what you said about the money. You might be right!