Open relationship/sex venues

[blueboy786]

Hi all,

I have many unanswered questions about open relationships, yet I can't find the answers I am seeking. My partner and have been attending bath houses and having sex with other guys. I am some 10 years younger than my partner and there is a lot of insecurity within our relationship. We both discussed this prior to having sex with others and boundaries were set by us both. My partner insists that I do not kiss anyone else and forbids anal intercourse. These are probably the two things that turn me on most. For him he is big on oral sex and that is allowed. I have tried talking to him and he is not open to allowing me kiss or be penetrated by another guy. Everytime we go to a bath house I feel as if he is walking away satisfied and I am leaving very frustrated and sexually deprived.

Our sex life at home has suffered a great deal, what once was a very satisfying and pleasurable experience for both has almost vanished and most sex we have is at sex venues. We love each other enormously but for both of us our sex life is a major issue causing problems for us both.

Recently I observed my partner having sex with another person and it hit me hard, realisation of what was happening. When it was over we left and I felt sick in the stomach at what was happening to us both. It left me feeling very inadequate because my partner desired other people more than he desired me. Does an open relationship ultimately distant two people to the point that they break up. Why are we in a relationship in the first place if we desire to have sex with others, isnt that what single people do!

I personally feel that this is more about the person I am rather than my partner. However in saying that if I tell my partner I no longer want to have sex with others will that destroy our relationship. Will he cheat and lie on me and go behind my back? Is this giving him an altermatum? I am very confused about these issues, is it because I am not getting what I want? is it fear of what lies ahead for us both.

I am under the opinion that providing it is what both parties want and that no one is getting hurt than it is OK. Is it acceptable for your partner to want someone else more than they want you? In order for me to cope with what we are doing at sex venues I look at sex as only pleasure without any emotional attation. But am I fooling myself, for sex to be satisfying and fulfilling does it involve emotions being exchanged?

The other issue I have is that when my partner and I do have sex, is it with me or is it with the memories and thoughts of others.

Well if anyone can help me out on these issues I would be very greatful.

regards Mark

[timmeyboy]

its a difficult situation for you, mentally and physically.
The main advice to give you is that your not in a relationship. A relationship is defined by a caring and emotionally bond between 2 people. It's obvious from what you've written that your not in a emotionally healthy realtionship.
I would recommend getting way from that guy as soon as possible, he is just using you as an inbetween fro when he's not at bath houses, to restrict your activities there and yet fulfil his own desires is selfish on his part.
I'm sure you can do better than the situation your in at the moment, you need to think about this and realise that this isn't healthy for you and sometimes it's better to be single and healthy than to be with someone and messed up.....

[Christian Taylor]

hey mark

you're in quite a bind, aren't you? sorry to break it to you honey, but you're not in an open relationship at all. you're in a very closed one by the sound of it. it's all about his wants and needs, and he's using your insecurity to get you to agree to these things. but when it comes to his insecurities, he's putting up boundaries. he's blocking you.

sounds like you know this already. you kinda know it's over, right? perhaps it's time for you to be brave. it's time to realise that what you're doing is prolonging the inevitable. you've tried to be accommodating. you've explored possiblities, but these things are just tearing you up, they're not helping you grow.

my advice to you would be to end it. while it might be the toughest things you've had to do so far in your life, it's going to be pivotal in maintaining self respect, autonomy, love of one's self... seriously. it doesn't sound like it's working between you two anymore. and that's fine - people change, things change, most things don't last forever.

you can either end it on your terms and look back when the pain has subsided, knowing that you did all you could. or you can bury your head in the sand and wait for him to either leave you or absolutely destroy you.

who knows what the future holds out there for you? the fundamental truth is that we get what we settle for. you need to work out what you really deserve. is this good enough for you? is this really what you want or need?

go find yourself some allies - call some friends, find a place to stay, do what you need to do, and then leave him. it will hurt, you'll want to run back a million times, you'll really feel it - but nothing new can come in unless you create a space for it.

there's a time to be brave, and for you it sounds like that time is now.

good luck and remember, you have to love and nurture yourself above all else. it's the only way to truly find happiness.

[burgjo]

there isn't anything that can't be solved by having an "OPEN DISCUSSION" and sharing your feelings... what if he has no idea what this is doing to you? And if he isn't prepared to compromise - then it's not the right thing for you. TALK FIRST - WALK AS A LAST RESORT.

[chad_74]

thats a great piece of advice christian....

[piggles]

Open relationships only work if you have a great sex life with your primary partner and then explore elsewhere with other people. If your sex life is already suffering then the relationship has already started to breakdown and it is only a "fix it" solution. Unfoprtunately it is just adding more insecurities and issues than before. Sex in a relationship is usually a litmus test for other areas.

All above advice is true, you are being used and preyed upon and deserve better than this. You need to gather some strength, step back and leave and then start communicating if you feel you still want to. You need space for yourself first, some clarity and perspective. And most of all you need to pamper yourself a bit and put youraself first.

I know it is harsh, but you will get through this and be stronger.
piggles

[Mr J]

okay my primary thing is going to agree with burgjo. However in regards to talking things through ... well the success of that all depends on the type of person your partner is. He doesn't sound it, but is he the type that will understand your feelings? or is he a control freak who wants all the power? I guess because you know who he is you will ultimately know if you can talk things through. However just as a side note if he's not a talker and not prepared to listen to you then you should walk. But as Burgjo said talk before walk. Unless hes the abusive type of guy then get the hell out.

[A N Journey]

Dear Mark, the best person who is able to help you with your situation is yourself..
Imagine that a friend comes to you and ask you these questions. What would you answer your frined? So based on what advise you are going to offer, implement this advice on your situation. Remember that when you implement this advice, you have to be realistic and firm, because no one is aware what is the depth of this relationship.

I Personally do not believe at all in any sort of open relationship. Having a partner & commit yourself and your life with someone means to me RESPECT, LOVE, CARRING, so by having sex with other people all time, firstly you loose respect, secondly I do not think love and carring will take a place in this relationship.

P.s To people are having an open relationship, I totally respect your opinion & your way in life

Thank you & good luck.

[Ash Rehn]

Hi all,

I have many unanswered questions about open relationships, yet I can't find the answers I am seeking. My partner and have been attending bath houses and having sex with other guys. I am some 10 years younger than my partner and there is a lot of insecurity within our relationship. We both discussed this prior to having sex with others and boundaries were set by us both. My partner insists that I do not kiss anyone else and forbids anal intercourse. These are probably the two things that turn me on most. For him he is big on oral sex and that is allowed. I have tried talking to him and he is not open to allowing me kiss or be penetrated by another guy. Everytime we go to a bath house I feel as if he is walking away satisfied and I am leaving very frustrated and sexually deprived.

Our sex life at home has suffered a great deal, what once was a very satisfying and pleasurable experience for both has almost vanished and most sex we have is at sex venues. We love each other enormously but for both of us our sex life is a major issue causing problems for us both.

Recently I observed my partner having sex with another person and it hit me hard, realisation of what was happening. When it was over we left and I felt sick in the stomach at what was happening to us both. It left me feeling very inadequate because my partner desired other people more than he desired me. Does an open relationship ultimately distant two people to the point that they break up. Why are we in a relationship in the first place if we desire to have sex with others, isnt that what single people do!

I personally feel that this is more about the person I am rather than my partner. However in saying that if I tell my partner I no longer want to have sex with others will that destroy our relationship. Will he cheat and lie on me and go behind my back? Is this giving him an altermatum? I am very confused about these issues, is it because I am not getting what I want? is it fear of what lies ahead for us both.

I am under the opinion that providing it is what both parties want and that no one is getting hurt than it is OK. Is it acceptable for your partner to want someone else more than they want you? In order for me to cope with what we are doing at sex venues I look at sex as only pleasure without any emotional attation. But am I fooling myself, for sex to be satisfying and fulfilling does it involve emotions being exchanged?

The other issue I have is that when my partner and I do have sex, is it with me or is it with the memories and thoughts of others.

Well if anyone can help me out on these issues I would be very greatful.

regards Mark
You mentioned that the boundaries were set by both of you.
How satisfied are you with these boundaries now?
If you were able to re-set the boundaries, how might you re-set them?
What kind of boundaries might lead to security, and build your relationship?
How might you talk with your partner about these boundaries?

[A N Journey]

You mentioned that the boundaries were set by both of you.
How satisfied are you with these boundaries now?
If you were able to re-set the boundaries, how might you re-set them?
What kind of boundaries might lead to security, and build your relationship?
How might you talk with your partner about these boundaries?
Ash has recommended a sensible and professional option that may assist you to review your relationship.

[Anthony Mahera]

thats a great piece of advice christian....

Agreed. :)

[Asherbella]

hey mark

you're in quite a bind, aren't you? sorry to break it to you honey, but you're not in an open relationship at all. you're in a very closed one by the sound of it. it's all about his wants and needs, and he's using your insecurity to get you to agree to these things. but when it comes to his insecurities, he's putting up boundaries. he's blocking you.

sounds like you know this already. you kinda know it's over, right? perhaps it's time for you to be brave. it's time to realise that what you're doing is prolonging the inevitable. you've tried to be accommodating. you've explored possiblities, but these things are just tearing you up, they're not helping you grow.

my advice to you would be to end it. while it might be the toughest things you've had to do so far in your life, it's going to be pivotal in maintaining self respect, autonomy, love of one's self... seriously. it doesn't sound like it's working between you two anymore. and that's fine - people change, things change, most things don't last forever.

you can either end it on your terms and look back when the pain has subsided, knowing that you did all you could. or you can bury your head in the sand and wait for him to either leave you or absolutely destroy you.

who knows what the future holds out there for you? the fundamental truth is that we get what we settle for. you need to work out what you really deserve. is this good enough for you? is this really what you want or need?

go find yourself some allies - call some friends, find a place to stay, do what you need to do, and then leave him. it will hurt, you'll want to run back a million times, you'll really feel it - but nothing new can come in unless you create a space for it.

there's a time to be brave, and for you it sounds like that time is now.

good luck and remember, you have to love and nurture yourself above all else. it's the only way to truly find happiness.

Excellent advice, Christian. :)

[genkij]

Going on to our 14th year of an open relationship - COMMUNICATION between you to and renegotiate the terms so you are BOTH happy.

Relationships are hard work - But the greiaf can be balanced with joy !

[homoraz]

Wow, this sounds like it could have been written by me 10 years ago...

Me and my ex started having threesomes and then an open relationship primarily because of his insecurities, but at the time I thought it would be good for both of us. It wasn't, and we broke up soon after for exactly the reasons you stated in your initial post. Namely, his needs were being met at the expense of mine, and the first time I realised that he was having sex with another guy that he couldn't have with me, I was gutted.

Open relationships can and do work....some of my coupled friends do it, and they love and respect each other heaps, which is quite obvious by the way they treat each other. It's not for everybody though....I know I sure as hell can't do it.