Keep it in the closet!

[mjm078]

Are you in the closet if you are out to everyone new who comes into your life but not everyone in your past?

I have found myself in this situation....how? Well coming from a back water....yep one of those towns that never change..... you don't really want to yell it from the roof tops in a red neck community as the amount of crap and bullying I copped at school about hanging out with the girls and my mannerisms etc was enough for any poor sod(now i would and could easily smack the living day lights out of half of them - confidence and belief in oneself is a grand thing!). I am still known as the "gay" one.

I know for a fact my family don't approve of "acts of a homosexual nature" this includes parents and brothers & sisters. I once had fisty cuffs with my old man over it......so i suspect that they know something but I am not going to spell it out for them to evoke a situation of anger and crying. Why because as soon as i leave the room mum will tell dad its his fault dad will tell mum she babied me to much - so they would end up fighting over it......why bother if you know i mean.

There is also no point telling Nan as she will forget as soon as i leave the room....

To top it off my old post school friends don't really care what I am up to because they haven't called since I left the backwater over two years ago......nor have they come to visit and yes i have offered!

So really who have a got to come out to? A couple of friends interstate and overseas whom i correspond with on a regular basis?

I figure as I move forward in life meet new people and not hide my sexuality I am as out as one can be?

Or is it a case of going through your phone book and calling them all one by one to fill them in on your latest life development?

[Cheetah77]

mjmo, if your family and old friends can't accept you for who you are then fuck em! If I was in that situation, I'd feel exactly the same. ..

You shouldn't feel the need to prove yourself to them and you certainly shouldn't feel as though anyone deserves to be told... they need to earn your respect so that you want them to know who you are!

[jackie87]

My immediate family know, all my friends know, one of my aunts knows, all workmates know. If grandparents knew they would definately have a heart attack. I don't advertise I just let people know if I can see a reason to tell them.

[MelbLouie]

mjm, i am like that.

I am in the closet to family and relatives although my parents now know (i told them this year) but out to some of my friends i met recently.

The reason why i am in the closet to family and relatives is due to cultural reasons as well as religion.

[DanM82]

It's always easy for those not involved to say if friends and family don't like it fuck 'em. That's not always the case. When my family couldn't accept it I was absolutely gutted. I came out to my mother in the start of 2000. Consequently she had six-ish months to adapt before the expolosion.

My father and I had been at logger heads for a few years before and in the middle of an arguement one night I was thrown against my bedroom wall and he walked out. Thinking it wise to not be there that night I put some clothes in a back pack and made for the door when he snarled some inconsequential comment at me and I spun around and came out. I won't repeat the exact wording as it's not something I'm overlty proud of. Proceeding to walk out the door I went and stayed with friends.

Deciding it wise not to be at home for the weekend seeing as I knew my father wasn't happy with gays, I went home to get some more clothes. While there, my mother was sent as the messenger and told me I had five minutes to pack everything I wanted and go. Never before had I felt so destroyed, ruined and worthless.

Being disowned, distrusted and unwanted within the family unit is a painful thing and can be entirely heartbreaking. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Saying "fuck 'em" is easier than it sounds. Friends are one thing because you can make more. Family are for life. Even if they don't always agree, they are meant to always be there.

[Cheetah77]

Firstly, sorry to hear that your parents but Dad especially took it so badly Dan and I definitely understand how that would make you feel. Hearing all of these horrific stories makes me very grateful that I never had to go through anything that bad.

I don't think you should have to stay inside the closet to appease other people though, regardless of who they are - parents, siblings, grandparents... I think to hide yourself away and lie about who you are is destructive and only tells you that you're not good enough, that you should be ashamed of who you are and that you are the one who needs to change when in fact, it's them.

Yes, it's easy for me to say when I have the love and support of everyone in my love in spite of my sexuality but I think you'd be better off to move beyond their need for acceptance and be happy and proud of who you are, regardless of what anyone else may think of you.

For you to take their opinions on and let it affect the way you run your life only tells them and their small minded attitudes that they're right!

[mjm078]

And I thought I was the only one like this! geesh!!

DanM82's post is exactly how my scenario played out. I had fisty cuffs with the old man one afternoon afterwork.......bit of shirt pulling and scrunching which ended up with me being held against the bedroom wall by him with us eyeballing each other. I left the family home that day and did not return for 4 years (i was lucky enough to be posted to New Zealand for work 1 month later which helped me grow up very fast). I now visit them probably once or twice a year but I only stay for a few hours the chat is general they don't ask questions or show any interest in my private life we typically talk about the family business which they run and my borthers will inherit. I get a call from either one of them probably about once a month to make sure i am still alive. I guess they love me and are proud of me in a career apsect but choose to ignore the homo side of my life.....

I think it upsets my bf a little as he would like to be apart of a big family (he comes from a very small family with no nieces or nephews - which i have).

But Cheetah your advice to my original post was correct and i agree...people have got to earn your respect before you can open yourself up and let them know about your special secret.....

Over the past couple of days I have been looking closely at my friends and have worked out the people who will treat it like idol gossip......they won't be hearing from me again.

Cheers.

[MelbLouie]

MJM,

all i can say is i wish you the best and hope things work out well for you.

[Christian Taylor]

http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a130/Dictator88/Normal/Fag.jpg

sorry - i couldn't resist sharing. i just stumbled across it on google while researching a story. it made me chuckle. :)

[Zakalwe]

I'm not "officially" out with my parents, but they know. I mean, its pretty obvious! ;)
But they're pretty old fashioned, they dont want to know, they dont want the familly to know. It doesnt worry me.

[Mr J]

Well I'm out to my family ... minus dad ... who lives in NSW and whom I don't talk to on an unrelated incident. My closest friends know... minus my best friend ... whos like a brother. Hes the hardest person to tell. People around the uni pretty much know ... one person told another who told another. Sorter snowballed. I don't really care as long as it doesn't affect my family too much ... which it probably wil.

[DanM82]

I'm not saying anyone has to stay in the closet for family. It's always a personal choice and looking back, yeh I would have done it differently. I would have just walked out of the house rather than saying anything and waited until things were calmer. Originally, I had planned to finish uni and then tell him when I got a job was independent.

Coming out is something that you can only do in your own time when you are comfortable in yourself and will be able to cope if they do turn their backs on you. If you never come out... that's fine. If you explode out of the closet... that's fine to. Don't let others dictate when, where or how you come out. Follow your instincts and what you believe. Coming out can be liberating. It can also be downright fucking scary.

Be ready. Be prepared. Know yourself and know you are able to cope. Have friends and the like who can help put you back together. If it goes to shit, don't think that substances are your friend, they're not. It's not weakness to get professional help if it goes to hell in a handbasket.

Most of all be honest with yourself about what you want. It's your life, it's your sexuality and above all... it's your choice.

[robbie]

Well I'm out to my family ..... minus my best friend ... whos like a brother. Hes the hardest person to tell.

The ones closest to you are always the hardest to tell but probably the most understanding. I told my redneck straight surfer "dude" brother first, he was 20 at the time and he simply said he kind of knew and that he doesn't care because "I'm his older bro" - touched me deeply. :o

[fjmac]

It is bloody hard to come out, parents background, catholic Dutch catholic and my father the worst offender, however after all these years all family members know. I have the blessing that what started out to be a shit fight ended up with full acceptance. My partner on the other hand came out with a very rough earlier start. He had joined a gay club and since it was done using snail male, he forgot to tell them that no one in his family knew. They showed up (A little red necked country town more narrow minded than a straw) he was out visiting friends. He came home to find his mother crying his step father totally off the planet, all his siblings had disappeared. The fight ensued for days, as well as his mother's crying. He packed up and left. His mother eventually came around as did his siblings. Step father went to the grave hating him. Yes sometimes it's good to come out to all, but there is such a thing as discretion. I agree with Dan M82, friends you can make and renew if they don't like who you are. Family, if you're not sure say nothing. You can't replace family

[flounder]

Why does it have to be so fucking hard, the road is so different for us all. Im in awe of you guys brave enough to come out young and facing the consequences, it wasnt that simple in the 70s as a teen.

I know in my case my parents would have banished me from the home and peers vanished into thin air, so the door stayed firmly locked for way too long, they died without ever knowing.

For some coming out it will rewrite your address book, for others its just meh. Thats not the point, the fucking point is you dont know any of that before you come out, so for me your all fucking heroes. :D

[Fahed]

...I think to hide yourself away and lie about who you are is destructive and only tells you that you're not good enough...

I think it depends what sort of relationship you have with people. I've had almost no relationship with my parents for most of my life. Not the sort of relationship where we talk anyway. For me, it's not hiding if I don't tell them I'm gay, because I don't tell them anything! In fact half the time, they have no idea what is going on in my life. I've never had to hide it because we've never broached that kind of subject with one another, and I doubt we ever will.

My parents are the sort who want to see me get married etc. but even that subject is rarely broached and only very carefully on their part. They frequently tell me I can do whatever I want, even though I can see they desperately want grandchildren. It just depends what sort of relationship you have with your parents.

The ones closest to you are always the hardest to tell but probably the most understanding. I told my redneck straight surfer "dude" brother first, he was 20 at the time and he simply said he kind of knew and that he doesn't care because "I'm his older bro" - touched me deeply. :o

This was so sweet :). Yay for awesome siblings! Yeah my sister didn't give a crap either, but she was hurt when I didn't talk to her about the guys I was seeing - lol. She wanted all the gory details. I told her it was none of her business. She shook her head and said 'Why so much shame?'. I wondered that for a while and then I realised, just because I'm gay, doesn't mean I can't be private about my sex life right?

[fjmac]

Why does it have to be so fucking hard, the road is so different for us all. Im in awe of you guys brave enough to come out young and facing the consequences, it wasnt that simple in the 70s as a teen.

I know in my case my parents would have banished me from the home and peers vanished into thin air, so the door stayed firmly locked for way too long, they died without ever knowing.

For some coming out it will rewrite your address book, for others its just meh. Thats not the point, the fucking point is you dont know any of that before you come out, so for me your all fucking heroes. :D

We respect the older generation, for without them things would have still been rough enough to be like the 70's. You guys were made of a metal that we can't fathom. I was born in the late 70's so missed out to some degree the freedom the older ones had. Regards Kevin

[MyBoyFreindIsGay]

wow you had a knuckle with your old man over gay sexual stuff..

You have nothing to fear my good man, you have balls of steel (if not a bit crazy).