Sperm Donar Wanted.....(for 3 minutes)

[mjm078]

Okay what are your thoughts on the following to "ads" i found whilst playing around on the net this afternoon....

"We are a lesbian couple who have already been blessed with a beautiful baby who was conceived through a sperm donor. Unfortunately for us our donor can no longer help us, and we would love to have more children as our first child has brought us so much joy. We love being Mummies :) As a sperm donor you would have no responsibilities for any child/ren conceived. You would also have no parental rights, and like our first donor, would not be known as "Daddy". Your donation would be a gift, for which our entire family would be grateful."

and

"hi, were are a lesbian couple with three children, looking to expand our family, one of us work the other a stay at home mum. We would greatly love our little girl to have a sister not just two brothers. No contact as we are already a family. We have been trying for five years with no luck and would love to celebrate our sixth wedding anniversary with the news of a baby on the way."

Would you be insterested in being the donor to these ads? Knowing you that once you have popped your top for them......they want nothing more to do with you?

[jackie87]

I make no secret that in the future I would like to be able to have children of my own.

However, there is no contract from my experience and many (not all) lesbian couples often do not let the father have any part in the upbringing of the child except financially. I know of one couple refusing to allow their child to call the donor "Dad" - which is quite upsetting to me. If I was to donate I would have to discuss whether I was to be able to discuss sharing days the child is to visit, pay for their education and possibly assist with the nursing stage. It would be my duty to sacrifice messing around, going out and working less hours to be able to be a good parent and role model for my own children.

I think it is unfair that so many guys have been taken by a ride and only been able to see their own children once a year or so because they foolishly agreed to donate. I say to all donors, discuss the terms and make sure there is a contract you can agree to and see a lawyer about your rights as the father.

[pinkyboisyd]

See that irritates me heaps. I have thought about donating heaps of times cause i would love a kid.... the only thing that ever makes me think twice is i could never support it.

But in saying that i wouldn't want to be not part of its life at all - that seems completely stupid and unfair...

If i do ever have a kid of my own the mother would be part of its life just as much as my partner's would be...

I like the idea that some couples have of going to the partner's brother or sister and getting the egg or sperm from them - so the child kinda has the same genes and is related to both partners.

[cheyne67]

This is just so wrong.
I don’t care if it’s two women seeking a sperm donor or two men seeking an egg donor – to deny a child one of their biological parents is selfish and wrong. A child has the right to know both their biological parents and if you can’t put your hatred for the opposite sex, maternal/paternal needs or insecurities aside and allow this – then you shouldn’t be having children. And before you all start pontificating about how not all children have both biological parents in their lives rah rah rah – I know that already. Shit happens and sometimes one biological parent may die or some might do a runner. None of these scenarios are ideal for the child either, but the big difference is that these kids aren’t with one of their biological parents through chance or circumstance – it wasn’t planned that way before they were even born!

I’m not saying that 2 woman or 2 men cant raise a child but if you really want to do the best for your child then you’d realize that 2 mummy’s and a daddy or 2 daddy’s and a mummy could do it much better

This also applies to sperm/egg donors who just want to do their bit and walk away

[jackie87]

See that irritates me heaps. I have thought about donating heaps of times cause i would love a kid.... the only thing that ever makes me think twice is i could never support it.

But in saying that i wouldn't want to be not part of its life at all - that seems completely stupid and unfair...

If i do ever have a kid of my own the mother would be part of its life just as much as my partner's would be...

I like the idea that some couples have of going to the partner's brother or sister and getting the egg or sperm from them - so the child kinda has the same genes and is related to both partners.

exactly

My mother would be horrified to find out she is a grandmother and not be able to see her own grandchild.

[robbie]

What do the lesbians have to say on this matter? I'd be very interested to hear their opinion.

[Tim D]

I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, would the ad sound different?

"We are a gay male couple who are looking for an egg and womb to carry our child. Once the baby is out of the womb, you would also have no parental rights and would not be know as a 'mum'. We would, however, be eternally grateful for your donation of the nine months gestation period."

Any takers?

[alison87]

Um, excuse me?? They're being pretty clear in the ads what they expect. There are plenty of lesbian couples who are very happy to have the biological dad play a part in the kid's upbringing, but if the couple is specifically asking for a sperm donor then sorry guys - that's all you are. You don't have some God-given right to see that kid. This is exactly the same as if you went to sperm bank and donated there.

[cheyne67]

Um, excuse me?? They're being pretty clear in the ads what they expect. There are plenty of lesbian couples who are very happy to have the biological dad play a part in the kid's upbringing, but if the couple is specifically asking for a sperm donor then sorry guys - that's all you are. You don't have some God-given right to see that kid. This is exactly the same as if you went to sperm bank and donated there.

"You don't have some God-given right to see that kid" - Surely you cant be serious? And even if you do believe this what about the childs right to be raised by, or at least know, both biological parents

[peeter]

This is just so wrong.
I don’t care if it’s two women seeking a sperm donor or two men seeking an egg donor – to deny a child one of their biological parents is selfish and wrong.

Cheyne said it best right here. Totally agree. Why wouldn't 2 lesbians want the biological father on the scene - you can't tell me adding another gay person into the nucleur list will confuse the child???

MJ, you posted a good thread, but you never told us your opinion?

[alison87]

"You don't have some God-given right to see that kid" - Surely you cant be serious? And even if you do believe this what about the childs right to be raised by, or at least know, both biological parents

You guys are completely missing the point. If a couple advertizes for a "sperm donor" that means they want a SPERM DONOR, not a dad. When lesbians advertize for sperm donors they're doing it because they can't legally go to a sperm bank to get anonymous sperm like straight couples can. Lots of lesbians like to give their kid a dad and make sure that the biological father is involved in the kids' upbringing... but some choose not to, and that's 100% their perogative. If you reply to a SPERM DONOR ad expecting to be a part of the kid's life, you are totally kidding yourself.

[Tim D]

Hmmm, what's the legal situation here if the "sperm donor" dad ever wanted to be granted visitation etc? Or do they have to sign that away in a legal document in this situation?

[jackie87]

Where are the ads for single lesbians or couples asking for a gay man to father their child? Find me one...

[robbie]

I guess we're all kind of saying we wouldn't be a sperm donor if we were in these situations. I would not dontate if I was not allowed to be in the kids life.

Even if it might be their 100% perogative, why would someone chose to shut the dad out if he's keen to be involved?

[jackie87]

I think it would be most preferable for me to donate my sperm to a friend and share the custody.

[cheyne67]

Hmmm, what's the legal situation here if the "sperm donor" dad ever wanted to be granted visitation etc? Or do they have to sign that away in a legal document in this situation?

Tim. The legal shit to do with sperm donation is dependant on whether or not the donor is known or not – so in the case of people advertising for donors the donor would be classified as known – an unknown donor refers to sperm obtained through a fertility clinic where the donor is anonymous
As far as I know the law says that a known donor:
Cannot sign away his parental rights or responsibilities if the child was conceived by vaginal intercourse
Can be forced to pay child support if the child was conceived through vaginal intercourse, but not if the child was conceived by artificial insemination,
Can apply for a parenting order if he is in dispute with the lesbian parents about his involvement and/or contact with the child.
It should also mention that any written agreement between the prospective parents and donor re contact, financial support etc is NOT legally enforceable

[mjm078]

okay....

jackie I found the adds on pinkboard......you will find them on there all the time.....try classifieds then parenting....you will also find ones from nicer lesbians who want to share the parenting role....

peeter....my opinion hmmm well....firstly i felt sick when i read the ads hence the post here.....I actually thought gays and leso's would be more open to working together on parenting etc....but i guess either want to uncomplicate their own lives but having a sole parenting arrangement (yet only complicate the little tackers life down the track)....i personally wouldn't sign up......

i would rather adopt if it was possible.......but having a puppy is enough for me at the moment!

But i do acknowledge alison's point these women are looking for "donors' but even any level headed lesbian should know every child has a right to know both their biological parents.....even for the sake of medical history etc....alision you note they can not visit a sperm bank because of laws etc then i think they should be willing to compromise on other points to allow their dream to come true.....

finally i would love to know if there was a response to these ads.....

[Jody Ekert]

I think the women in the ads are just fearful for what may happen with male involvment. If all men could rationally make parenting decisions with lesbians then maybe all couples would be happy with a 'Dad". But there are cases coming to light that highlight the non-bio mum's lack of recognition and rights. Like the case in Ireland at the moment where the donor is preventing the lesbian couple travelling with the child out of the country. Or where they can go a step further and seek custody or challenge a donor agreement if they change their minds about involvement.

Personally I don't agree with the women in those ads but I do understand their protectiveness of a family they've worked hard to have and keep close. I'll be a non-bio mum one day and we plan on a known donor, who I would want around and to be known as Dad. But I am a bit scared by the idea that my partner will have legal rights, the donor will have legal rights, and I will have none. Unless things change our life could be turned upside down at any moment on the whims of a donor.

So perhaps for some women they'd prefer not to deal with that. I do believe it is possible to provide medical and family history and male role models and all that good stuff and be responsible parents, but still not want the "Dad" part.

[taylor-dayne]

these kinds of ads are THE ONLY way i would ever donate sperm. i'd do it purely because otherwise it's going to waste. i have no desire to have a child, i have no desire to pro-create, if i was to donate sperm i would have no interest in seeing that baby grow up and i don't think i'd even care what it looks like.

so quite frankly, i'd be happy to offer the sperm to them. perhaps i should give them a call?

[robbie]

go for it Taylor, one man's trash/sperm, is a lesbians child/treasure!

[taylor-dayne]

yes, i agree! that's a perfect way of putting it. i would quite happily offer sperm to lesbians that need it. i mean, why not? if that's what they wanna do, then who am i to refuse? that would be rude, wouldn't it?

[alison87]

Where are the ads for single lesbians or couples asking for a gay man to father their child? Find me one...

Maybe because lesbians who want the biological father to play a part in the kid's upbringing aren't going to just go with any random off the street - they'll ask a close friend.

[GenesisInVain]

a little hot in here? sperm is definitely boiling

[Mr J]

I agree with Taylor ... I don't particually want to have kids ... but I might (later in life) donate however that would depend on if I have to do anything afterward. I support an IVFs kids desire to track the biological father however If I was the donor I would want to know that I am not going to have the kid dumped on me ... financially or emotionally. Maybe when he/she is 18 they can track me but I don't want to be paying child support or have custody or any of that stuff. After all if I wanted kids I would adopt.

[nae-porter]

I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, would the ad sound different?

"We are a gay male couple who are looking for an egg and womb to carry our child. Once the baby is out of the womb, you would also have no parental rights and would not be know as a 'mum'. We would, however, be eternally grateful for your donation of the nine months gestation period."

Any takers?

i would totally do it. at the moment im like the catholic church willing to settle for anything

[honey-prawns]

i have no desire to have children, ick. i dont think gays or lesbians should make a baby, why not adopt a baby that isnt wanted. i know ppl are fussy about wanting a carbon copy of themselves but seriously the population is large enough

[Cheetah77]

I'm with you HP... my partner and I were asked the baby question last night and we both go "No fucking way!". We're just too selfish and we like our lifestyle far too much to get tied down.. hell, we can't even get a dog because we're not home enough - a kid would just ruin our lives completely!

Friends and relatives of ours with kids are always going 'Oh, you're so lucky, you can do whatever you want blah blah" and we're like "yes we are, but remember, you made that decidion to have kids... deal with it!".

[Jody Ekert]

Many couples would adopt babies if they could but laws prevent it in most cases unless you're going to lie and say you're single. Then you'll still sit at the bottom of the list.

Even if it is legal it's also a really expensive process of tens of thousands of dollars and a long time of waiting. It's also intrusive with your life examined - from how much you earn to how overweight you are.

And if that's not enough to make you worry then it's likely that you'll be discriminated against when it comes to type of babies.

In the US where fostering is at least allowed the gay folk are getting the really unwanted kids - special needs babies, crack babies etc. As Kiki from Kiki & Herb said - those healthy white babies are hard to get. Even Brangelina was forced to have their own ;-)

In an ideal world every unwanted kid could be flown into the arms of a loving adult somewhere in the world but politics, expense and red-tape prevent it!

[honey-prawns]

i'm all for them changing the law so the people that want to adopt can, it's time to bin inequality (is that a word)

[hazyinseptember]

these kinds of ads are THE ONLY way i would ever donate sperm. i'd do it purely because otherwise it's going to waste. i have no desire to have a child, i have no desire to pro-create, if i was to donate sperm i would have no interest in seeing that baby grow up and i don't think i'd even care what it looks like.

so quite frankly, i'd be happy to offer the sperm to them. perhaps i should give them a call?

Same boat here Taylor-dayne..

thought about it a few times..

im in no position to care/finance a child.. and if have something that would help 2 loving, secure people concieve a child then why not? I neither have the time, money or stability to farther a child..

what i find funny is how horrified people are at these adds.. and to feel "guys are being taken for a ride" by this by those 'horrible man hating lesbians'!!! funny how we see gay men 'buying' mothers for their kids in places like America.. are we equally horrified by this?

so.. dont like ad's like this? lifes a bitch eh...

[giller10]

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[blondganymede]

I'd consider donating if I had a lesbian couple who asked me who were friends of mine. I wouldn't want to be the father figure or carry any of the responsibility, but I wouldn't want to be isolated from it either. I guess I'd want to be an uncle to the kid.

On the topic of adoption, what about adopting a child that isn't a baby or toddler? Everyone only seems to want children who are very young, I guess so they can shape how the child is raised from the get go. But would many people consider adopting a child who is already primary school aged? I feel it would be a good way of waiting until later in life to have a kid, but not worry about being an old parent. Plus no changing nappies or getting up in the middle of the night!

[wysiwyg_syd]

what's a donar?

[jojjie]

In the US where fostering is at least allowed the gay folk are getting the really unwanted kids - special needs babies, crack babies etc. As Kiki from Kiki & Herb said - those healthy white babies are hard to get. Even Brangelina was forced to have their own ;-)

far out. That paragraph is depressing on so many levels. I'm sure you didn't mean it to be offensive. But my god, a child is a child. What an ugly world we live in if the healthy white babies are considered the 'good' ones.

[JayTee]

I think anonymous sperm donation is completely wrong - be it for hetero couples or lesbian couples.

all children have the right to know their biological heritage.

[English Teacher]

what's a donar?

donor