Coming out properly...

[caedus]

hey so ive come out, or at least ive opened the door to the closet and have poked my head out. Ive told almost all my friends, they tell their friends and it spreads, people who don't accept it find out you run into them they pay you out, you ignore it and it's all fine, it's a balance. but at the moment i am terified of telling my parents, my mother has already had the conversation with me that they suspected i was gay when i was younger (catching your adolescent teenage son looking at gay porn on the computer tends to hint doesn't it?) but were relieved to find that this was not the case, as a result from me living with a homophobe father and a twin brother who finds gay people disgusting i have decided to hide any feminism but not so obviously that it seems like im hiding anything. Anyway i want to tell them but any time i even come close to contemplating it my gut turns to ice and i think of my other siblings (4 sisters and 2 brothers) and i think it would just be heaps akward with the whole family having to deal with a gay son and i want them to have to deal with it but im scared that maybe some of them wont accept it or that they will see me as a girl or less of a man etc. and all that worrying stuff, not to mention that i am financially relying on my father to support me as i move down to melbourne at the end of this month.

so basically what im asking is how do i tell my family? should i tell my family? and i also have family type figures, my circus instructor is a father type figure in my life seeing as my father sucks at being a father and should i tell him? with m friends i didn't have to worry about losing them because i knew i can always make new ones but this is my family...

[andrewesmitt]

Isn't it a drag? You're further than me though. I haven't told any of my friends yet, some of my close friends are complete homophobes, how did that happen? I know some of them will be ok and that the ones who aren't are not the kind of people I want as friends anyway so I should really just get it out of the way. As for my family I haven't told them either but I know that everyone except for my dad will be ok. My dad can be a bit of a shit too, he could take it either way. He's not exactly a homophobe, just lots of communication issues and can be insensitive and selfish sometimes. During a few of my visits to the Sydney Sexual Health Hospital they got me to see a psychiatrist about coming out and while I myself haven't made any progress yet it's been kinda helpful. He suggested to me that coming out wasn't always a beneficial thing and that there are in fact some circumstances where its better not to come out. Im sceptical about this though because I thought that beeing able to freely share all of yourself with the people around you would make you feel a lot more comfortable, or if they weren't ok with it, it would at least give you the opportunity to move on. Also I've spoken with some older gay men and they have given me the impression that everything is easier once you come out but I'm not sure if this is simply because them coming out has also coincided with them taking charge of their lives....it's a pickle alright

[caedus]

yeah i can see where procrastinating telling someone you're gay could be helpful but i don't think i want to be one of those guys who comes back for christmas and the whole family berates for not having a wife and kids yet. telling your friends is easy, well it was for me, i got really drunk at our year 12 prom and got up on the stage and shouted it out, was very embarrassed but was relieved that my family had left by that time. i thought some of my friends were homophobes but i told this one guy i was loosely friends with and he shared a whole load of his gay encounters with me even though he is straight and has a girlfriend and now we are like best friends, so yeah telling your friends is heaps good, it's the family im not too sure about.

[Chancethegardener]

I feel for you. You seem more than ready to come out and it's a shame that you suspect some of your family and friends might not deal with it that well. If some of your friends react negatively, then I'd have no qualms about kicking them out of your life. If they are your true friends then they won't give a damn.

The family problem's a bit trickier though. I never got to come out to my parents under my own steam, a rather mental sister did that before I had a chance to (looooonnnggg story). It all turned out fine but one of the main reasons I held back was that I thought my dad would flip out. He'd made some very insensitive and homophobic remarks throughout my childhood ('it's not natural' being one of the more heinous), and those things really stick with you as a closeted youngster. But my fears were completely unfounded. When I cam out my dad said, "I'm really disappointed..." Great, I thought, here comes the diatribe! But he went on to say, "I'm disappointed because you hadn't told me before now - I thought we had a better relationship than that." So don't be too sure of either of your parents' reaction. You could be way off.

Honesty is always the best policy, and I know for my parents, especially my father, having a gay son changed everything that he'd ever thought about gay people. His heavily stereotyped ideas of what gay men were like were completely shattered.

You can never control how your parents will react. You can, however, pick the right moment to tell them. Not having had an opportunity to experience when that moment was for myself, I'm afraid I can't offer any advice that comes from experience. But just keep in mind that despite a possibly negative initial reaction you'll always be their son,
and it's not natural for a parent to hate their own children. My partner told his father he was gay in a pub - neutral ground is always more of a calming place to bring such things out into the open. It's just an option you might like to consider.

Personally, if I were you, I'd tell your family before you move away if it's possible. Are you coming to Melbourne to work or study? If your dad's going to support you financially I can understand why you'd be hesitant about telling him. Perhaps in that respect it'd be best to live in Melbourne for six months or a year, and then travel back home to tell your folks.

You seem very self-assured for a young guy, what ever happens - good or bad - I get the impression you'll soldier on.

Good luck, mate.

Jim

[Thrawn04]

Well done Caedus for coming out to your friends :) ! I haven't done that yet - well only a few...
I came out my immediate family about 2-3 years ago - not at the same time but over a few months. They were surprised but at the same time not really surprised. Actually my parents surprised me when they said they suspected I was gay when I was young - I thought I was doing a good job at hiding it... Its odd how I was hiding from being gay without actually realising I was gay :confused: very odd...
Anyway - Everyone I've told have been really accepting. Well my brother had a bit of an issue but we've gotten over it - we tease each other about it now :p .
For me everything is still pretty much the same - only that I don't have to hide myself so much around my family.
As for coming out to the rest of my family/friends/work mates I don't know... There are times I want to come out but I never act on it. For me its just easier not to say anything - well I usually don't say anything hahaha. I guess I wouldn't like the momentary limelight of coming out. That said I doubt anyone would have a problem... hehehe I'm just weird ;)
I guess my piece of advice is take each day as it comes and cross that bridge when you get to it.

[caedus]

I feel for you. You seem more than ready to come out and it's a shame that you suspect some of your family and friends might not deal with it that well. If some of your friends react negatively, then I'd have no qualms about kicking them out of your life. If they are your true friends then they won't give a damn.

The family problem's a bit trickier though. I never got to come out to my parents under my own steam, a rather mental sister did that before I had a chance to (looooonnnggg story). It all turned out fine but one of the main reasons I held back was that I thought my dad would flip out. He'd made some very insensitive and homophobic remarks throughout my childhood ('it's not natural' being one of the more heinous), and those things really stick with you as a closeted youngster. But my fears were completely unfounded. When I cam out my dad said, "I'm really disappointed..." Great, I thought, here comes the diatribe! But he went on to say, "I'm disappointed because you hadn't told me before now - I thought we had a better relationship than that." So don't be too sure of either of your parents' reaction. You could be way off.

Honesty is always the best policy, and I know for my parents, especially my father, having a gay son changed everything that he'd ever thought about gay people. His heavily stereotyped ideas of what gay men were like were completely shattered.

You can never control how your parents will react. You can, however, pick the right moment to tell them. Not having had an opportunity to experience when that moment was for myself, I'm afraid I can't offer any advice that comes from experience. But just keep in mind that despite a possibly negative initial reaction you'll always be their son,
and it's not natural for a parent to hate their own children. My partner told his father he was gay in a pub - neutral ground is always more of a calming place to bring such things out into the open. It's just an option you might like to consider.

Personally, if I were you, I'd tell your family before you move away if it's possible. Are you coming to Melbourne to work or study? If your dad's going to support you financially I can understand why you'd be hesitant about telling him. Perhaps in that respect it'd be best to live in Melbourne for six months or a year, and then travel back home to tell your folks.

You seem very self-assured for a young guy, what ever happens - good or bad - I get the impression you'll soldier on.

Good luck, mate.

Jim
moving down to melbourne to work and train, doing short courses at nica and stuff but yeah that's a really good idea about staying down there for 6 months or so and then telling them, once i get stable in melbourne and on my own footing it'd be better thanks heaps! feeling much more confidant now :)

[naughtylion]

I tend to think that moving away first might be better in some circumstances. Or at least have your base somewhere else. You know your family better than anyone, and have the best idea of how they'll react. I was lucky enough to have a smooth-ish coming out (involving breaking up with my gf and cracking into tears on my mum's shoulder hehe), but that being said I've also seen it go horribly, horribly wrong. I've seen abuse ensue. Don't get me wrong coming out is always hard, but sometimes when it comes to your family it may not be the best to come out and be all brazen about it. You only get one family, and although they love you, in (the minority) of cases I have seen that turn to sheer hatred, and seen kids get hurt. So although snaps to you for wanting to, you sound like a good kid, keep your wits about you and make an informed decision, because no one on here knows your family like you do. :)

[Chancethegardener]

moving down to melbourne to work and train, doing short courses at nica and stuff but yeah that's a really good idea about staying down there for 6 months or so and then telling them, once i get stable in melbourne and on my own footing it'd be better thanks heaps! feeling much more confidant now :)

Excellent. Rapturous that you're feeling better about it. I sincerely hope it all goes well.

I'll have my fingers crossed for you when the time comes. Hopefully you wont need it!

Enjoy Melbourne, it's a fantastic city in which to find yourself.

Jim
XX

[sneakos]

hey caedus (and andrew)

great post, and i did relate. was out to my friends and others (courtesy of a friend outing me to them while i was at school - thats another story) - but was always afraid of my family

mum is liek th catholic pin up girl who goes to mass all th time and dad was the blokey bloke who played grade football and was a tradie - so i just thought there'd be heaps of rejection - and i built th fear up in my mind to something that was overwhelming at times

when i did tell them - mums first reaction was to remind me that i had girlfriends in high school (i dated a few i think so i could convince myself that i was 'normal') and when i explained that to her - she was fine

as was my dad

truthfully - it was kinda a non issue for them

and they prolly had suspected for a while anyway

either way - was the best thing i ever did - heaps freeing and liberating, andin hindsight had wished id done it sooner cos thy may ave been able to give me some support thru some difficult high school years

now they're totally cool with it - tho its been some years now

i can remember having my first conversation with my dad when i broke up with my first ex - he was so cool and i walked away thinking 'wow, iv just had one of those (schmaltzy) father and son moments and i was talking about my love for my ex boyfriend who had dumped me' :) that was one of the best moments

cant guarentee my experiece will be yours - but i am so gald i found the opportunity to tell the when i did - cos it freed me up heaps - and all the fear i had was created in my own head and didnt turn out

best of luck though guys

hugs, thoughts and best wishes

pete

xoxox

[andrewesmitt]

hey caedus just came out to my mum tonight and feel great about it. However, I may tell my two sisters and brother in the near future but I will be leaving it at that. I found out from my mum that when my brother (who is now 27) was my age he thought he was bisexual and had a fling with another guy (although I don't know how far it went). From what my mum told me my dad had a hard enough time dealing with the fact that my brother kissed another man so I won't be coming out to him anytime soon. It was really hard for me to tell my mum, she could see something was bothering me and when she asked me what was wrong I paused for ages trying to push myself to say it. I was also affraid of what her reaction was going to be - I knew in the long run that she would be ok with it but I thought that for the time being she could start crying or start freaking out about my meeting other older guys on the scene etc. But she took it really well. At first she was completely taken aback because she didn't suspect me at all, but after the initial shock her only reservation was that she would prefer me to be straight simply because it would make life easier for me. I'm not sure of the relationship between your parents (mine are divorced and I know that my mum isn't going to tell my dad firstly because she knows he wouldn't take it well and secondly she would never betray my trust) but if you think that you can tell your mum and that she can keep it a secret for the time being, perhaps you could come out to her...not sure if that will make it any easier for you but just thought I'd let you know

whatever you decide to do, good luck

[robbie]

Nice work Andrew.. surely a load off for you.

[jimmy_]

Who do you feel closest to in your family? One of your sisters maybe?

I'm pretty lucky in that my family is generally pretty cluey and open-minded, so they all had a pretty good idea even though most people don't have a clue that I'm gay.

I came out to all my friends a long time before my family. Then one day on the way home from work, one of my (3) sisters asked why I didn't go out with my friend Jess. She had asked me this 2 or 3 times previously, to which I simply responded "I dunno, we're just good friends". But this time I don't know what it was, whether I was sick of lying or tired after a long day at work but I simply responded "Because I'm gay". To which she said "Yeah I know, that's why I kept asking". So that night I told my other 2 sisters and they said they were proud of me for finally telling them. Then one night, my best mate called me to tell me he had just come out to his Mum and sister. So I decided to up the stakes and tell both my parents. My Dad laughed at me for being nervous then just hugged me, haha.

So I sort of took it in steps. My only advice would be start with the sibling or family member you feel closest too so that you may have a safety net for telling your other family members. Or if not, some good friends you can fall back on if things don't go as smoothly as they did for me.

I prepared myself for any initial shock my parents would have had, but luckily I didn't need to worry about any of that, and the build up was much more nerve racking then when I actually told them. So maybe prepare yourself, not everyone can deal with it straight away.

If they can't deal with it straight away, don't worry they should quickly realise you are their family and they love you regardless.

[caedus]

hey caedus just came out to my mum tonight and feel great about it. However, I may tell my two sisters and brother in the near future but I will be leaving it at that. I found out from my mum that when my brother (who is now 27) was my age he thought he was bisexual and had a fling with another guy (although I don't know how far it went). From what my mum told me my dad had a hard enough time dealing with the fact that my brother kissed another man so I won't be coming out to him anytime soon. It was really hard for me to tell my mum, she could see something was bothering me and when she asked me what was wrong I paused for ages trying to push myself to say it. I was also affraid of what her reaction was going to be - I knew in the long run that she would be ok with it but I thought that for the time being she could start crying or start freaking out about my meeting other older guys on the scene etc. But she took it really well. At first she was completely taken aback because she didn't suspect me at all, but after the initial shock her only reservation was that she would prefer me to be straight simply because it would make life easier for me. I'm not sure of the relationship between your parents (mine are divorced and I know that my mum isn't going to tell my dad firstly because she knows he wouldn't take it well and secondly she would never betray my trust) but if you think that you can tell your mum and that she can keep it a secret for the time being, perhaps you could come out to her...not sure if that will make it any easier for you but just thought I'd let you know

whatever you decide to do, good luck

wow congrats, i really do want to tell my mum, or at least a few sisters or a brother just so that i have someone in my family to share it with, when one of friends told my twin brother he withdrew and we havent spoken in ages (he moved to canberra to go to ANU) and when he calls mum he doesnt ask to talk to me or anything. so yeah maybe when i get the balls ill take the plunge, but thanks heaps for sharing your experience and yeah our parents sound very similar, my parents may not be divorced but their as close to it that it may as well be a divorce and yeah my dad would have a very hard time dealing with it.

[caedus]

and thanks jimmy, im pretty close to my sisters so ill try my hand at telling them

[chilligarlic]

My parents found out when I was 16 - whixh was hard on us all.

I then, 2 years later, told my sister: "Yeah I know. So?" Hmmm My brother: "Yeah everyone knows. I had to nearly bash a guy who was talking bad about you in the pub." My little brother?

Point is that your family will generally, finally, be accepting. A lot of their suspicions will fall into place once they find out and realise they've known all along.

A very important point to remember is to be kind to them. You no doubt have had a whole personal saga of coming out to yourself and to others - agonising years of it. remember your parents deserve the same process. It will take them years as well. They are starting from zero. It's hard though - the rush of disclosure can make you impatient with their reactions. But they, if they're people worthy of you, make the effort and get there.

Good luck to you all, and congrats on getting so far!

[weathervain]

some people are really awesome:rolleyes:

[Thrawn04]

Okay... I've just publically come out on facebook. Most of my old school friends, work colleagues and some family members with whom I haven't spoken to in years are on facebook so its as close to outing myself to most people I know. :o
After watching Milk a few weeks ago I started thinking about Milk's challenge to come out... and so tonight I finally did it! :)
I'm a bit nervous as to what people will say, but I know most if not all won't have a problem with it. Ha - I just chatted with one of my Aunties on facebook. She's happy for me... Ooo I'm feeling a bit warm inside :o

[chilligarlic]

Okay... I've just publically come out on facebook. Most of my old school friends, work colleagues and some family members with whom I haven't spoken to in years are on facebook so its as close to outing myself to most people I know. :o
After watching Milk a few weeks ago I started thinking about Milk's challenge to come out... and so tonight I finally did it! :)
I'm a bit nervous as to what people will say, but I know most if not all won't have a problem with it. Ha - I just chatted with one of my Aunties on facebook. She's happy for me... Ooo I'm feeling a bit warm inside :o

Let us know how you go. I think you'll get a surprise as to how many people support you! Well done - each person who comes out makes it easier n us all. So congrats to you, and thank fro us!

[leverarchfile]

I was a rugby playing toughest boy in school kinda guy and most of my mates that I grew up with were complete homophobic nobs but once I told them.........they all got over it very quickly--------

In essence most people fear what they dont know, if nothing else I managed to change the perceptions of one part of the wider community and I would hope that that will extend to their friends and in the future to their children.........

[Thrawn04]

Let us know how you go. I think you'll get a surprise as to how many people support you! Well done - each person who comes out makes it easier n us all. So congrats to you, and thank fro us!

Well it seems they all knew I was gay - either that or they're just tired like me hahaha.
Yeah noone's really commented. I'll admit that though I didn't want all the drama I was kinda expecting some responses...
Hang on. Ha I just realised that what kept me from coming out was the thought of chatting with old friends about myself - and what happened, what I feared didn't happen. :eek:
Strange how these things work out for the best. :) Whatever happens happens for a reason.

Leverarchfile - well said about people fearing what they don't understand.

[Christian Taylor]

my advice -

come out to those you trust - close friends who are gonna love you for you, no matter what. build your support network.

get to know yourself - do whatever it takes to make this happen. move to another city. take a course. read. create. travel the world.

surround yourself with people who are going to help keep you strong.

and come out to your parents when you feel ready. don't do it now when you're still vulnerable. just don't. do it when you're strong enough to cope with their reaction...

you have to look after yourself first in this case. and you have to be strong enough to weather the storm (if it becomes a storm). coming out too soon to family can sometimes be a real set back.

just make sure no matter what you decide, that you've got good people around you who love and support you. if you have that, then you will be okay.

[andrewesmitt]

just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who's given advice or support here, much appreciated