The Gay Parenting Minefield

[burgjo]

it's such a complex issue...... as much as i would like to father a rug rat - i would definatly want to be a part of the child's life and parenting. Although on the other hand i fully understand a couples desire to raise the child themselves - after all that's what a families about.

[JackAttack]

Is WA still the only state with a gay adoption? Woo go us!

As for fathering a child, you have to ask what is in the child's best interests... I certainly agree with you about wanting to be part of their life but i also think (don't crucify me) that it's important to have both male and female role-models growing up.

[Mr Azza]

Complex indeed!
For my mind, I don't think I could father a child and not be included in its life, yet at the same time, my partner and I would want to raise our child together, not share the child like its this months hot book.

Personally, for us boys, its prolly easier for us to adopt. Since its much easier for a lesbian couple to find some sperm than it is for a gay couple to find a mother who's willing to, pretty much, hand over the child at the end!

My partner and I can't wait for the day we're ready to have kids.. Hopefully by then things would have changed enough for us to do it without loosing a head of hair and my gorgeous physique (lol)

[Christian Taylor]

To be honest I could think of nothing worse than being a father. As far as I am concerned, it's just not on my radar as a gay man and I don't think that will ever change for me. Quite happy to stick to pets and plants, thankyou very much.

[Mr Azza]

I can't wait Christian!!
I'm such a family kinda guy... but I'm *not* to sure about the Saturday morning soccer mums... there's only one thing that scares me more than soccer mums, and thats dancing mums - they have WHAY to much time to gossip while sewing sequins onto fluro leotards

its REALLY scary...

[mindstar]

Personally, for us boys, its prolly easier for us to adopt. Since its much easier for a lesbian couple to find some sperm than it is for a gay couple to find a mother who's willing to, pretty much, hand over the child at the end!


actually its not...
not sure about NSW
but here in victoria its a nightmare

if you are a single man (straight, gay, bi, purple) you may as well forget it
if you are a gay couple - again you may as well forget it
about the only option really available in Victoria seems to be surrogacy... and thats a different minefield
which is quite sad really
we were looking at adopting a child from Vietnam but it just became too hard... it really did - basically the State can step in anytime if they feel the child isn't adequately looked after.

my partner would make such an awesome dad
and I already have the volvo wagon
so we're all set ;)

[pinkyboisyd]

I would love to be a father but not have any of the finacial burden or take care of the child.

I know it sounds wrong - but i would love to know that i have kids who are going to carry on my genes but i dont think i will be able to support them... so therefore i'd like someone else to be the main parents in their life and i'm their 3rd parent who loves and cares for them but isn't in their life all the time.

I wouldn't mind interaction - like the kid has two mums - but i'm his biological dad who comes and sees him and spends time with him. But still his 2 mum's are his main parents - there who he calls when he needs help or is missing family.

Ovbiously i would be happy to help if called about - but the kids mum's would be the main people in his life.

[Mr Azza]

Well that really bugs me!

<rant>
I can't stand that someone like britney can just *pop out a few* then hire nannies to look after'em but corey and I, two (potentially) awesome parents can't go any further than our gorgeous chihuahua
</rant>

[Mr Azza]

pinkyboisyd, just to clarify, it wasn't your post that bugs me, it was the content in mindstars :D

[taylor-dayne]

i know we're living in an age where everyone wants everything - but can we all just think about this for a moment?

two men or two women cannot make a baby. sure, you can debate modern science and IVF and sperm donors all you want, but there's only one way that babies are made and everybody knows it.

everything else is just pretending.

people need to give some thought about what gay people are all about. why are we gay in the first place? if everything happens for a reason then what is our actual purpose? gays adopting makes sense. gays fostering makes sense. but gays using science to make our own babies like we're heterosexuals - that's just so self indulgent, i don't even know where to begin on that one.

[Mr Azza]

Thats a pretty massive ethics/morals question you're posing there TD.
Where does, or SHOULD science stop in terms of paternity and child birth... yet at the same time, who should deny me, or anyone for that matter the right to bear a child of my own?
(ignoring the whole man+man!=child thing)

[taylor-dayne]

hey, i'm not saying that people can't go out there and exploit scientific developments for their own ends. just know that you're pretending to be something you're n0t.

[Christian Taylor]

Well that really bugs me!

<rant>
I can't stand that someone like britney can just *pop out a few* then hire nannies to look after'em but corey and I, two (potentially) awesome parents can't go any further than our gorgeous chihuahua
</rant>

i love that you've used html code for your rant! hilarious.

[Mr Azza]

lol - thanks christian... you know, you're equally geeky for knowing the syntax :D

anyway:
you're pretending to be something you're n0t

I don't pretend to be anything!?
I never said that my partner and I *could* have children of our own in the same way a heterosexual couple can. But (as an example) adopting a child and parenting them through to adult hood doesn't make us lesser parents, or a lesser family!?

Don't you agree?

[Savoy]

I dunno. When I have heard of particularly younger gay guys wanting to be dads, they often sound more like they want pets over little humans and don't seem to understand the deeper implications.

A good example, one guy I know who is 22 said to me the other day "I want a little boy and I want a little girl", and I said, "Well, it's not like going shopping for them where you can pick 'n chose etc etc". He is nowhere near being able to look after himself yet let alone a couple of kids in tow. On talking to him further about the matter, most of his aspirations belong with a "white-picket fence" which may be suit him in the future but not in his present scatteredness (that is just a maturity issue).

[Blinking With Fists]

I'm pretty sure I'd like kids, down the line. I'm self-aware enough and mature enough to realise that I'm still a long way away.

And if it doesn't happen for whatever reason?

Well I'm still apparently the awesomest babysitter around, and I'm going to be a popular uncle and godfather.

I can handle that.

[Tim D]

I want kids, can't wait, and actually feel quite lucky that I can put it off for at least 10 years to live a little before spending my life looking after another human being. I guess that's one of the benefits of being a guy, there is no ticking time bomb.

And by the time I'm ready to have one, hopefully the laws would have caught up with us and it will be legal to adopt/IVF etc etc.

[robbie]

I can't wait Christian!!
I'm such a family kinda guy... but I'm *not* to sure about the Saturday morning soccer mums... there's only one thing that scares me more than soccer mums, and thats dancing mums - they have WHAY to much time to gossip while sewing sequins onto fluro leotards

its REALLY scary...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gg7umgMIeSs

[Kara]

I've always had a maternal instinct, even before waking in my mid-late 20's realising women are my natural other half. Upon this realisation I then dealt with my own mindset & emotions for the increasing possibility that I may not ever have children - that was tough.

My mother cried when she found out I was gay and when I asked her why the tears, she replied with "I'm so sad that because you are gay, you will probably never have the opportunity to experience the pure joy that comes with bringing a new life into the world"

Through the brilliance of modern science and a shift towards acceptance in social attitudes, I know it is possible and most likely that I, with Jody will be able have a family of our own - a desire we equally share.

There is nothing self-indulgent about agreeing to sleepless nights a reduced/changed/compromised social life and less disposable income. There is nothing fashinable about vomit-stained clothes or breast-feeding in public or shopping for the latest moisture absorbing, rash preventing nappies. There's no greater physical sacrifice than saggy boobs, permanent stretch marks and ongoing bladder control issues (to name just a few) . And there is no greater commitment than emotionally, unconditionally deciding to create, nurture, encourage & support a new life for the rest of your own.

And I can't wait - Bring it on!

Oh and as for my mother? It's 5-7 years on and she is excitedly working out how she can fit in minding our children, her grandchildren, into her busy life!

[eddie]

As much as I would like to be a father to some children I am not, my partner of nearly 24 years was asked 8 years ago (unknown by myself) to be a doner to a lady friend, he unfortunately declined.
To be a parent is not easy and the barriers put up by the present government does not make being a parent in Australia any easier.
However if you do wish to be a parent I would say why not same sex couples make great parents and all the ones I know have very happy well ballanced and educated children.

I wish you the best of luck finding a doner that you and your partner are happy with, just one word if he wishs to be involved let him as the child will benefit from that interaction, as is the case with a family member of mine.

[Tim D]

There was a very interesting story on this in The Age over the weekend.

http://www.theage.com.au/news/in-depth/rainbow-children/2007/09/15/1189277042132.html

Surrogates cost about $150K, that's huge. Anyone who's willing to spend that on a baby obviously really wants it.

[Thatguy]

$800 a straw?

Um.......really? That is a lot of cash . . . .

[Mr J]

Yeah i don't want to become a dad ... I know i'm young (everyone reminds me of that when i say i don't want kids) I just can't see myself with kids ever ... I'm not really a white picket fence type of guy.

[James-A]

Surrogates cost about $150K, that's huge.

I've known about this for a couple of years. The moment I found out about it, I immediately put it up high on my list of life goals. Once I have the money, I'll do it in a heartbeat.

[jacksun12]

First and foremost i am a woman, who just happens to be a lesbian with a partner of almost 13 years. We have often discussed having a child. Sometimes i think i may be too selfish to be a mother but honestly, if i was told i was infertile and could not have a child i would be absolutely devastated! Having that right taken away from me as a woman would be gut wrenching. So that makes me believe i really do want one. My partner and i have decided we want to be the fulltime parents but would like the child's father to be there for birthdays, x-mas, school plays, etc. All those special moments when you want all of your parents to see you shine! I don't like the idea of a sperm donor as my friend's chose as their son can apparently have many other siblings in the same city. Although this is probably the safest and easist path for many to take.It is a hard decision and we don't quite have sperm on tap as many heterosexual people do. Finding a gay man who wants to be a dad and does not want full custody is very difficult. I have always believed a child has a right to know and have their biological parents in their life so as my eggs are ageing and walking away from me it get's harder and harder each year. I just hope we don't run out of time!

[Christian Taylor]

sometimes i think that i could happily hand over sperm to a lesbian couple without a second thought. infact, when i wrack my brains to think of any possible reason why i wouldn't do it, i can't think of one.

i doubt seeing the baby would awaken anything in me. i wouldn't want to be a part of the child's life, i wouldn't want to be its father, i'd be more than happy to be able to give that to a lesbian couple and let them take all that on.

i mean, why not? at the end of the day, gays and lesbians should be able to do these things for each other, right? there are some women that i know that i'd totally do that for.

[Jody Ekert]

Yeah well you be careful what you write Christian cause you might just get a phone call yet...LOL...the first SameSame baby ;-)

[Jody Ekert]

India is having a real boom in surrogacy businesses where women all live in houses together and are pregnant with bubs for overseas couples....and it's much cheaper than the US - I think only like 10K. I'm not sure what I think of the ethics of that...but it's an option!

[mjm078]

My BF wants a baby too....I am not that fussed on it though.......maybe when i am a bit older (I am only 30)...

I just think it is technically to hard to agree a "set of rules" for the poor kid......remember it is all about the kid....

I guess the perfect scenario would be to have a gay couple and a lesbian couple living in the same street.......kid/s have a bed in both houses kid/s can sleep at mummies or daddies a few nights a week everyone eats dinner together at least once a week etc.....a bit of a twist on "leave it to beaver" i know but i guess I would want to make sure 1. The child is the priority and 2. all parents are part of raising the child....

For a gay and lesbian couple to do this the parents need to have a pretty strong bond as a foursome......

I have a massive issue with couples who either want the mum or dad to disappear once the child is born......I think that is completely self indulgent and if they are good enough to be a donor they are good enough to be in the child's life right? These people are screwed up and should not have children simply because you are purposely with holding a child's right to know both its biological parents.....imagine if someone had done that to you?

[Anthony Mahera]

Well that really bugs me!

<rant>
I can't stand that someone like britney can just *pop out a few* then hire nannies to look after'em but corey and I, two (potentially) awesome parents can't go any further than our gorgeous chihuahua
</rant>

I can't stand those junky teen girls popping out kids just so they can get the baby bonus! I hate Slaggs that do it for the money! GROW UP!