How do you tell someone that you're not in love with them?

[xxxVioletxxx]

.......and I'll add without hurting their feelings and devastating them? I've simply run out of advice that I can give to my friend, so I'm hoping that the samesamers can help a sister out!

Basically, she met a girl interstate and they became friends, and then, friends with benefits (FWB), as my friend isn't ready for a full time committed relationship yet. The FWB was aware of this and agreed. My friend then returned back to her home state after about two months working and seeing the FWB about once or twice a week for fun, friendship, good conversation and company.

Now that my friend has left, FWB is calling her quite a bit and acting like they were in a committed relationship - getting jealous at odd things, and practically harassing her (well, that's my take on it anyway) about when she can come and visit etc, knowing full well that my friend has a demanding job that can involve a bit of travel.

Being the kind hearted thing my friend is, she hasn't the heart or nature to hurt anyone's feelings and wants to just have the friendship that she had with FWB. I told her that she isn't responsible for how someone feels, and that it is better that she is firm with her and lets FWB know now if she wants any kind of friendship with her in the future.

What I want to know is: How the hell can I get my softy of a mate to think about herself for a change and not worry about hurting someone's feelings (within reason, of course)? Is my advice too harsh? I hate hurting peoples feelings personally, but I really hate seeing my friend wracked with stress and guilt when it really is not her fault.

Any constructive thoughts would be appreciated.

[ammonite]

oh dear.

so the FWB is acting like they are still in a commited relationship that is now long distance?

she pretty much has 4 options.

1. just continue with the current situation hoping FWB will eventually move on - this will never actually happen.

2. ignore her and stop all contact until she gets the message - very cruel and cowardly and they wont be able to be friends

3. give in and start having a relationship with her - not a good idea to be emotionally blackmailed into a relationship

4. talk to her - she needs to re-have the 'just casual' conversation.

Unless she is mentally ill the FWB knows deep down what she agreed to and that she is being unreasonable, even if she is in denial hoping she can become your friend's girlfriend just by acting like it.

But unless the FWB starts being creepy or agressive it will be hard to convince your friend to do that. You can't make her do something she doesn't have the courage to.
one point you could make is that the longer it goes on, the more the FWB will feel like they are in a relationship so the whole situation becomes worse over time.

[xxxVioletxxx]

Thanks for your response Ammonite. I guess all I can do is to keep trying to encourage my friend and be there for her if things get creepy or nasty.

[Asherbella]

Be honest.
Be brief.
Affirm boundaries.
Acknowledge her feelings, but don't validate them.
Make a quick exit.
Don't give any lingering hope.
You are not responsible for not feeling something.

[weathervain]

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