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beingurself2 +

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Default Why are we always Single?
A little perspective is needed from our recent past. 20 years ago, how do you think people connected?

A. Manhunt
B. Gaydar
C. Grindr
D. They went out.
E. FaceBook

Of course its D, the others were still just thoughts and ideas in their programmers groins, with Mark Zuckerberg though he was thinking with his wallet

Whats this got to being single I hear, Ok 20 yrs ago you went out, to a club, bar, friends party, gay sporting events, there were a limited number of people there and over time you eventually found someone compatible and started a relationship. A lot of these relationships actually are still going strong today, despite the internet.

Now your choice in finding a mate is not limited to your close physical world, but the entire planet through the internet. Such choice and bombardment of winks, pokes, messages distracts you from finding a suitable companion.

The reason you are single, is now the choices are limitless and you now will not settle for anything less than Mr Perfect. With all the porn having Brent Corrigan look alikes, bodies of Gods and cocks of horses, how can we settle for less. Instead of Mr Perfect, is Mr Right enough?

If you want to be happy, step back and have another think why 20 years ago, even under more discrimination and intolerance, gay guys were happier

Thoughts?

Last edited by beingurself2: 29th January 2012 at 12:08 PM

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Back in the eighties I used to spread my time between attending lectures and kneeling on jizz in grotty toilets blowing strangers. Things were much more "hands-on" - and sticky - back in my day.
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beingurself2 +

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Lazzarus View Post

Back in the eighties I used to spread my time between attending lectures and kneeling on jizz in grotty toilets blowing strangers. Things were much more "hands-on" - and sticky - back in my day.

Im talking about something different lol, which I know you aren't looking for :-) Emotional attachment
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I think this thread should be seen together with the thread which went on about "People Who Need People are the luckiest people in the world".
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Quote:

Originally Posted by mark_ View Post

I think this thread should be seen together with the thread which went on about "People Who Need People are the luckiest people in the world".

Don't tease me Mark -_-
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Yes I do understand, Sex Addiction is rampant in the Gay Community.
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Originally Posted by beingurself2 View Post

Yes I do understand, Sex Addiction is rampant in the Gay Community.

I make one post and automatically I'm a sex addict?

You know me too well beingurself and that scares me... a little
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Originally Posted by Lazzarus View Post

Don't tease me Mark -_-

I thought you made some good points about needy people.. and about how some long-term couples can turn into two half-people who are lost without the other... which is why many widows can lose the will to live a month or so after their spouse dies.
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Originally Posted by mark_ View Post

I thought you made some good points about needy people.. and about how some long-term couples can turn into two half-people who are lost without the other... which is why many widows can lose the will to live a month or so after their spouse dies.

You must have been reading between my lines again you naughty boy.

Better to be the half of something good than the whole of something bad.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by beingurself2 View Post


Now your choice in finding a mate is not limited to your close physical world, but the entire planet through the internet. Such choice and bombardment of winks, pokes, messages distracts you from finding a suitable companion.

The reason you are single, is now the choices are limitless and you now will not settle for anything less than Mr Perfect. With all the porn having Brent Corrigan look alikes, bodies of Gods and cocks of horses, how can we settle for less. Instead of Mr Perfect, is Mr Right enough?

That's spot on. The choices are limitless and a lot of young guys think they can 'choose', like browsing through a shopping catalogue and dismissing what ever doesn't look 'nice' or how you want it to be. I don't know how it was before the internet/dating websites came about, but there's also a greater focus on having casual fun because it's far easier to get it now. So anyone who explicitly states that this is not their intention (on a dating website for instance) is quickly dismissed and considered to be 'old fashioned' or whatever.

Having said that though, there also exists the scenario where you do meet someone who shares your views etc, but you just don't 'match' in any other way, and that's normal. But going by my own experiences, a lot of guys my age aren't interested in getting to know you as a person; what matters is whether you meet their unrealistic criteria based on your physical appearance.

Reminds me of a French play (also made into a very good movie, 'Cyrano de Bergerac'), where one of the characters ends up with a noble woman because he's an attractive young man, yet needs the poetic skill of his very unattractive friend (who's in love with the same woman, yet is depicted as having an abnormally large nose) to convince her further through love letters. In the end the noble woman declares that she's really fallen in love with his soul (although it's not meant in religious terms), because of the poetry that his friend had written for him (but she didn't know this), and that she wouldn't care if he was ugly. So it turns out that the man she was really in love with was the unattractive friend who didn't have the confidence to approach her I won't spoil the ending, but I loved the play/movie and it's central message.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by deki View Post


Reminds me of a French play (also made into a very good movie, 'Cyrano de Bergerac'), where one of the characters ends up with a noble woman because he's an attractive young man, yet needs the poetic skill of his very unattractive friend (who's in love with the same woman, yet is depicted as having an abnormally large nose) to convince her further through love letters. In the end the noble woman declares that she's really fallen in love with his soul (although it's not meant in religious terms), because of the poetry that his friend had written for him (but she didn't know this), and that she wouldn't care if he was ugly. So it turns out that the man she was really in love with was the unattractive friend who didn't have the confidence to approach her I won't spoil the ending, but I loved the play/movie and it's central message.

I know the movie you're talking about though I will admit I saw the bastardized American version of it with Steve Martin first...

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her. - Oscar Wilde
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I remember that movie! Can't believe I forgot about it until you posted that image, hah
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I think It's D and E for me though I have yet to meet someone that wants me for me.. Instead it's they want my body..
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my thoughts are that you are wrong and have no proof for the claim that gay people were happier 30 years ago. hopefully this comes as a friendly debate as opposed to me trying to tear you down.

1. gay people are always going to have a tougher time finding a partner than heterosexuals. homosexuals compose a much smaller percentage of population, generally will not be obviously homosexual (so identifying potentials is harder), and are faced with a bunch of entering relationship issues that straight people simply don't give a second thought.

2. your argument isn't limited to homosexuals. straight people are on a bunch of social media sites too. personal observations suggests straight people are finding relationships fairly easily despite their use of social networking.

3. I think the homosexual community is far too concerned with sex and looks. men are naturally more inclined to have sex without commitment. but sleeping around is almost always a dead end. worse than that, it creates a vicious cycle which is hard to escape even if someone does find Mr or Ms Perfect (you see this all the time with heterosexuals). most straight relationships are not started in bars, nightclubs, or on hook-up sites, but are just from chance meetings at school, uni, work, mutual friends etc. most straight relationships are not built entirely around what a potential looks like (although it might be the initial match that sparks the fire). the idea of 'friend -> partner -> sex' is a solid and useful formula which seem to be overlooked in the homosexual community in favour of 'hello, nice to met you -> sex'. not every gay person is like this, but the homosexual community, in general, is.
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I agree with Gray. Its soo hard to expect a guy to want to spend reasonable time with you and be faithfully monogamous when its soo easy for him to get a quick and meaningless shag. The amount of times I have had to answer for being monogamous is terrible. And thats because it is considered normal in a clubbing lifestyle.

If you expect more you are clingy, controlling and over demanding and if you get upset over it you're a fucking psycho. You have to have the talk before you can consider the relationship as exclusive and even in open relationships noone obeys the rules.

I don't think either way is a great option, but its not like people are introducing us to one another without the expectation that we're probably just going to have a quick shag.

I don't like clubs. I don't like having to go to them because its the only way I can hang out with someone. And I certainly don't like being put second behind a club lifestyle. Being gay shouldn't make our social expectations any different from heterosexuals. And having expectations certainly doesn't make us 'NEEDY', thank you Mark.

Last edited by atomic-teddy: 26th February 2012 at 02:02 AM

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Whether one is gay or straight, I tend to find that some ppl are looking for is somebody that only exists in their heads, many setting their criterias in stone and wanting the whole package when they nothing special themselves is something I also notice a lot.

I am so suprised with the ppl that think they can punch above their weight.
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I hear you man. I am attracted to less than average guys and yet I find that I'm simply not perfect enough for them. You get friend zoned, and have to put up with the unhealthy obsessions with people they have absolutely NO chance with.
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“Ok 20 yrs ago you went out, to a club, bar, friends party, gay sporting events,”

Agreed.

In my experience, it does seem like there are far fewer options to meet new people today than there once were. Whilst I am happy to accept the fact that maybe being old has something to do with options available and people’s likelihood of interacting and socialising with others, it does seem like overall there are far fewer people entertaining at home and that when m8s groups get together at public venues, it is frequently with the same cast of characters. That fine line between stability and stagnation.

Likewise, I think that in pre-internet days people actually WERE out an about more in more individual and less organised ways. I can’t help but think that book shops, hang-out all day café’s, and other enterprises have suffered with the advent of mass online communities.

From what I’ve been able to observe, going out once was a vehicle for other creating other plans, to meet and encounter new people or established friends; these days going out IS the plan formulated previous with a pre-selected posse. This created a spontaneous, flow-on experience in strong contrast to the current trends which can seem overly planned and pin-point destination oriented by comparison.

I've even seen this in the contrast between the flow-on effect. "In the day", you'd host a party invite a core, and it was totally understood that other friends and friends of friends were welcome to attend. These days attitudes seem much more parochial - that everyone expects a personal hand-engraved invitation for events and hesitant to attend if they do not receive one - thus closing themselves off - and closing off the events - from broader participation, mixing, and opportunity to meet new people.
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It is because your scared to be seen in a shopping center together.
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I think I would like to add a little perspective in this conversation.

People are talking about '20 years ago'........ let us use the phrase pre-internet days just for a little change in perspective from technology.

We went out to clubs, pubs and associated S.O.P. venues not to mention beats in all their many formats (sorry ladies, not sure if you have the equivalent?).

We had a few gay rags in print that were quite meaty in volume and content. (Also free.) They even had a very large personals column to suit a range of genders and biases.

Lots of people posted adds in the hope of meeting people they might have some compatability with. From personal experience, I can say it worked...we have been together for just over 18 years. My strategy was to post a broadly written add in under 25 words to attract a broad spread of responses. You send in your add, they publish it and then people can respond to the adds for like three letters for $10 or something...there was a fee associated I remember that.

I received over 30 responses and treated the process like a job application. I read all the responses and marked them for spelling, punctuation , grammar, content (was not interested in physical proportions or predelictions at that stage) and general penmanship or layout. Marks given out of 100. All got a telephone call and if you scored better than 75% had a longer conversation that was more like a telephone interview. Assessment was centred around topic conversation maintenance, tone of voice, language skills employed, sense of humour and the ability to talk above the waist line. Again a score of 75% or more had the pleasure to meet me.

First date was Mark and he set the bench mark. The rest were interesting and some were quite lovely.

In the old days we didn't have the instant gratification of services such as:
A. Manhunt
B. Gaydar
C. Grindr
D. They went out.
E. FaceBook

It was a slower process that allowed us to get to know someone without the knowledge that if it doesn't work out straight away I can have my next pickup lined up in an hour. I think that is why I enjoy the monthly picnics. There have been many interesting moments meeting new people and getting to know them a little. My experience with people who have access to the internet these days is that there is always something a little more interesting or exciting just around the corner. Standards can be incredibly stringent and many people do not meet the extremely high level that we impose on them.

I become amused by those who aspire for 'the look', what ever that might be as qualification for a partner...what happens when the look is no longer there?

I aspired for a man with depth of character, educated, practically minded with a sense of humour as a bonus and some life experience where the baggage was sorted out before I got there.

BINGO! Found him..... but not before meeting some toads, princes, arseholes, gentlemen, mediocre personas and a cavalcade of gay stereotypes. None of them bad but they were not for me.

So I wish all success for your search for a life partner, and I would encourage people to broaden your parameters and look for the real person inside people instead of their projections to the world.

Cheers
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Default Good old days
I agree, in the past a park or beat was more than just for quick fun, you could meet people talk openly and over time friendships and relationships grew. It didn't matter so much that they were not your type, instead the commonality of being gay was the link.
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Then there's the obvious time committment thingo.

All of the online resources mean time spent interfacing with a screen and not actually out there doing stuff.

Its the opportunity cost of finding something specific and definate online vs casting the nets wider in a less certain real-life forum
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I have tried using grindr, a few randy people on there, and then a guy messaged me normally and I met him and it turns out. that he didnt want to hang out, he wanted sex -_-. And then there was a gay couple who said on their profile that they were not interested in hookups and just wanted friends, and then they messaged me and I thought, it was great, until I realised it was only one of them and that he was cheating on his boyfriend so I ditched him and grindr. and I must say that I have naturally found gay friends without the help of social media. it was at a pub/club and it was a normal guy, who is not interested in hooking up and has a boyfriend. I am being taught first hand on how to handle the club scene. There are some nice people on grindr, but I havent come into contact with. And even though I am still single, I still have met great friends
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I'm new here.. so sorry about reviving this thread..

Anyway, I think gray said it very nicelyy. It's hard for homosexual or bisexual people to meet people of the same gender and identify them as your potential. Even though society has moved forward compared to what it used to be like, but there is no doubt that hatred, homophobia and discrimination are still huge factors in our society.

It is already really hard to meet people who can potentially be your partner, what makes it harder is a lot of people are still really looking for sex.
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I definitly like meeting guys through friends, i am getting myself out there. I went out with friends to the dance floor, i had fun with sexy dancing with them but i really feel so uncomfortable having been touched and squeezed by strangers, it creePs me out a bit. Mainly because they were alot older. So i dont think i can ever get comfortable with dancing with strangers by myself.
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I hear you, it is hard yo find people who are not craved for sex, and also about being yourself in public it is scary as and so i kept this very quiet persona, however while i met my friends bf, he was very himself, vlcomfortable, happy and just looked so easy, so he and i talked and had fun and through the night something sparked in me, i was comfortbal and we hit the dancefloor, i was in good hands and was taught very well, i lernt that most of the girls loved gays to touch them, and dance sexy with them . My night was so fulfilled that the next day i had my swagg on, i had my hair done up nice, i had girls waving at me and for the first time i felt comfortable to be me, never had i had that much confidence, it was great but the next night i went out and my confidence was a bit too much, there were guys grabbing parts of me and i just wanted to dance with my friend. And the girls. My reccomendation is to definetly hang out with fellow gays, never go out alone unless you are after sex, but thats not me, and tbh i was actully surprised by the amount of gay people there were
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Well, I have only really started exploring myself lately. I've always known I'm not just attracted to girls but I really want to know whether I'm a bisexual or gay. For all I know, I have been attracted to both boys and girls.

I've never really been to an event with other gays, lesbians, bisexuals, etc and I actually don't know if I'm comfortable enough with myself to go. (NB, MYSELF, not the crowd) And I'm also just scared with what would happen if the people around me find out. I feel like a coward to be honest..
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And I guess right now I just wanna know where I can meet people in a safe environment, or I guess like you explained, in an environment where I can feel comfortable in and maybe have a friend with me as well haha
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dont worry done deal, when I first went out, I was as nervous as anything, it will ome natural to be yourself one day, and you would be surprised by the ammount of people that are axepting, but finding them can be like minesweep, you find a few good people and then find the wrong person, I would reccomend not going out to events by yourself at night, always have someone with you, it helps alot better if you have a friend to go with in anycase but its safer to do so as well.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by DoneDeal View Post

Well, I have only really started exploring myself lately. I've always known I'm not just attracted to girls but I really want to know whether I'm a bisexual or gay. For all I know, I have been attracted to both boys and girls.

I've never really been to an event with other gays, lesbians, bisexuals, etc and I actually don't know if I'm comfortable enough with myself to go. (NB, MYSELF, not the crowd) And I'm also just scared with what would happen if the people around me find out. I feel like a coward to be honest..

Take a look at the thread titled "Am I Weird"

you might find some of the comments there interesting
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