Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

She arrives tomorrow! Squee!!!

I hope it's everything you thought it would be! X

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

She arrives tomorrow! Squee!!!

I'm excited for you! Have fun x

yay Baby! hope it all goes well

My observation of the long distance relationships that are currently a part of my life is that they take time and effort, but the reward of having my loves in person with me is so much more precious.

I have to agree with mm it's hard bc youI just want to be witha them all theyou time. But it's 100% worth it bc if the other option is not having them as a part in your life you'll be missing out on what could have been the most amazing encounter of your life!

just a thought, but I think an online/long distance Relationship can work if the individuals come from a Polyamorous/Open perspective...

In some ways it sucks not being able to hold and Snuggle and Kiss when the Feeling arises... But the enforced distance can also be Good/Healthy...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

She arrives tomorrow! Squee!!!

Good luck! Happy for ya!

She left today But it was fantastic. We got along in real life just as well as online. We spent the last two weeks together barely leaving the others side and didn't get sick of each other. I think I'll go to visit her next, and then we can look into moving her here!

Thanks for the well wishes everyone!

That is awesome baby!!!

Hows it been going since she went home baby?

Quote:

Originally Posted by madamemoloch

Hows it been going since she went home baby?

It was going great...today she just told me she doesn't think she can leave her family and it probably won't work between us.

I'm so sorry to hear that baby

Your discussion thread prompted me to finally register on this site. So sorry to hear that she has put a stop to things. I hope for you that this is just a speed hump rather than the finale. Just to add a little bit of hope, I'm in a long distance relationship myself. At the start there were a few bumpy patches just as we were sorting out how everything would work. We have been together for 1 1/2 yrs now and all is going great. I agree with what one of the previous posts said about the distance improving communication. Both of us have had to learn how to communicate (and fight and make up sometime!!!) without the benefit of a hug and kiss to patch things up (not always easy). I hope for you that the wonderful communication you have already had can help you both find your way back.

We're trying to work it out. But yes, the reason long distance relationships don't work is that ultimately one person has to give up everything, and there's only so long you can continue if you don't.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

Omg! We're discussing it now and she's actually open to moving here! I was not expecting that! Like I said, still early days I'm not going to get ahead of myself and u haul the poor girl! But she's considering it!

I joined this forum because I heard about your story today

I met my girlfriend online too!

It can work ...but doesn't come without challenges like in ANY relationship.

Distance forces me to make time to be with her rather than just take for granted that she's will always .

Distance at the start of any relationship builds a stronger or different kind of foundation. Some couples get co-dependent too quickly when they co habitate early, resulting in loss of individuality.

Don't get me wrong, the lack of cuddles and sex is an absolute TORTURE... but that aside....If you have an affectionate girl friend who says lovely things and assures you of her feelings via Skype or the phone...it can make up for the lack of sex.

We all want to feel loved at the end of the day...and that comes in many forms depending on our love language.


As others have said here, connection doesn't happen easily...It's hard to decipher between who genuinely cares / lust/ convenience etc. so take your time...


Some relationships are there to teach us, some to test us, some to force us to look within and make life changing decisions.


IF both your feelings do get stronger.... PERSPECTIVES shift, PRIORITIES change and the answers become more and more apparent.

Patiently wait till you reach that turning point where the focus is no longer on what you're giving up...but rather how you can't wait to BUILD a future together...Thats LOVE.

I 'm still patiently waiting for my turning point and we've been together over a year...

REMOVE the pressure of making big decisions about migration... go with the flow to see if you fall in love...

If we didn't have challenges like these to overcome in life, we wouldn't grow....

All the best

From an airy fairy romantic who occassionally has a practical side to her...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

We're trying to work it out. But yes, the reason long distance relationships don't work is that ultimately one person has to give up everything, and there's only so long you can continue if you don't.

I've been reading all the discussions on this site for a while, and your thread has tempted me to finally sign up. I hope that this is just a bump in the road rather than the finale. Hopefully the fantastic communication you have shared with her in the past will allow you both to work through this phase. I'll throw out some good luck vibes into the universe for you. Keep you chin up.

Oh wow two new people joined up just for this thread? That's so cool!! Welcome ladies!!!

I agree with everything you girls said. I actually don't mind being in a long distance relationship, I find that you can communicate a lot more writing to each other because you can say things that you might not be able to say out loud. And as a person who likes my space, it suits me well. But the problem is it can't continue like that forever or we're little more than penpals.

We know we get along great in real life from when she visited here, so that's not a problem. It's just such a huge move and it freaks her out to leave her family - who treat her like shit, don't accept she's gay, don't approve of me, and physically abuse her. Her sister punched her in the face just this morning. I felt no guilt taking her away from that crap, she hates her job. It makes no sense for me to move there since I like my family who are incredibly supportive, and prefer our country and climate to grey old England. I'd have no problem living there for 6 months or so, I've lived in other countries and enjoy the experience. I agree with Baby Baby that we should just cross the bridge when we get to it, it's a year or more before she's financially ready and out of debt to be able to move here anyway. But it's her who suddenly freaked out, decided she can't move and that we may have to end things if it's not going anywhere. Possibly the face punch has changed her attitude a little (thanks abusive older sister!) but things are a bit up in the air at the moment, and it's very hard because a few days ago we had it all worked out!

Thanks for the support everyone, it means a lot!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

Oh wow two new people joined up just for this thread? That's so cool!! Welcome ladies!!!

I agree with everything you girls said. I actually don't mind being in a long distance relationship, I find that you can communicate a lot more writing to each other because you can say things that you might not be able to say out loud. And as a person who likes my space, it suits me well. But the problem is it can't continue like that forever or we're little more than penpals.

We know we get along great in real life from when she visited here, so that's not a problem. It's just such a huge move and it freaks her out to leave her family - who treat her like shit, don't accept she's gay, don't approve of me, and physically abuse her. Her sister punched her in the face just this morning. I felt no guilt taking her away from that crap, she hates her job. It makes no sense for me to move there since I like my family who are incredibly supportive, and prefer our country and climate to grey old England. I'd have no problem living there for 6 months or so, I've lived in other countries and enjoy the experience. I agree with Baby Baby that we should just cross the bridge when we get to it, it's a year or more before she's financially ready and out of debt to be able to move here anyway. But it's her who suddenly freaked out, decided she can't move and that we may have to end things if it's not going anywhere. Possibly the face punch has changed her attitude a little (thanks abusive older sister!) but things are a bit up in the air at the moment, and it's very hard because a few days ago we had it all worked out!

Thanks for the support everyone, it means a lot!

She certainly has a lot more reasons to get away now... you sound very understanding and your continued support can help her feel safe. She still needs to make the move based on her need for change and not just for a relationship. Anyway ....Who can resist Melbourne the most livable city in the world over that crapy UK weather.

When you're in shit situations like her...and its all you know...it can be hard to recognise there is a better life outside of it. Some people just live with it and torture themselves...

My family are homophobic too ... so I choose to live in a different country to have the life I want. We can't expect acceptance from everyone before we move forward. Am lucky my partner is understanding and helps me work around my family. Are you out to most people?

I'll be watching this post closely for sure. Look forward to the day you celebrate her arrival in Melbourne if or when that day comes.

Can't be penpals forever... true... but in the scheme of things...this is only a short period compared to the lifetime you could potentially share together.

Does she see what's written in this forum?

Have you talked about lots of personal things already and are you aware of how she may be affected by her less then desirable history? Has she had a girlfriend before? Does she have a lot of emotional baggage?

How funny it woudl be if this becomes a forum all about your relationships and if this one doesn't work you have a support group for discussing the next. We'll be your PANEL of busy body nosey parkers. LOL

K back to work now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby Baby

She certainly has a lot more reasons to get away now... you sound very understanding and your continued support can help her feel safe. She still needs to make the move based on her need for change and not just for a relationship. Anyway ....Who can resist Melbourne the most livable city in the world over that crapy UK weather.

When you're in shit situations like her...and its all you know...it can be hard to recognise there is a better life outside of it. Some people just live with it and torture themselves...

That's her all over. She has a slight victim mentality and does tend to stay in bad situations without taking steps to improve things. With some encouragement she will make changes but I think secretly she sometimes likes the drama. She's an artist and she rather enjoys drawing miserable pictures LOL. Her health is really bad and I think the warmer weather and sunshine would help her a lot if she lived her, so it's not just that I don't want to move I really think Oz is the better choice for her as well as me.

Quote:

My family are homophobic too ... so I choose to live in a different country to have the life I want. We can't expect acceptance from everyone before we move forward. Am lucky my partner is understanding and helps me work around my family. Are you out to most people?

Because I work with kids, I'm not out to everyone. Not that it should matter, but unfortunately some people may not want a gay carer around their kids and it's not something you can take back. I'm a little of the opinion it's none of anyone's business. I never came out, I just got a girlfriend one day and my family were just excited I wasn't a loner with a machine gun or a house full of cats.

Quote:

Does she see what's written in this forum?

No she's never seen it and the only hint to who I am is the Ashley Greene profile pic LOL. I wouldn't have a problem with her reading here, I'm pretty brutally honest with her. I haven't told her just because I like talking on here without having to feel I might say something she won't like but if she found it there's no problem.

Quote:

Have you talked about lots of personal things already and are you aware of how she may be affected by her less then desirable history? Has she had a girlfriend before? Does she have a lot of emotional baggage?

She had one gf before me, also long distance but only a few hours away so it's not the same as different countries. The other girl ended it because of the long distance and we've had a few episodes where she was worried I'd do the same to her...then she turned around and did the same thing. She didn't end it, we're together for now but the seeds of doubt have been planted. If she's not thrilled about coming here it changes things.

Quote:

How funny it woudl be if this becomes a forum all about your relationships and if this one doesn't work you have a support group for discussing the next. We'll be your PANEL of busy body nosey parkers. LOL

Hahahaha and if I get a girlfriend who is on this site she can go back and see how all my last relationships went hahaha! I once got told nobody liked me for talking about my ex too much, but I'm sorry if you can't talk to your gay friends about your gay relationships, who else is going to understand? Lesbian dynamics are very different than male/female. And you all have the choice to click on this thread or not!

Thanks everyone!

So how's things baby+

Things move pretty quickly in the girl girl world. So...you u hauled, talked marriage, had a second child?

Hope all is well

Well, we talked last night and she was like, let's discuss the other day. She said it was all a misunderstanding, she never said she didn't want to come here and that I overreacted. I was like PHEW, I was all ready to come here and say "False alarm ladies! I misunderstood!" But as we kept talking she got back into the "I don't want to leave" thing, and as the conversation progressed she decided to break up with me and to go back to being sisters (when we first met I called her little sis and I was big sis.) After a lot of crying we decided not to break up and to just wait and see.

This limbo land is really not fun! I should say, there are no problems in our actual relationship. We get along extremely well, we have more in common than I've ever had with anyone, agree on most things and don't argue. We're both a little odd in the sense that we're not into the club scene, and if you're not it makes it extremely hard to meet someone! The worst part for me is it's not her family she's worried about leaving, it's her neighbours, a single mum and her children. She's very close to them but I can't help but feel...you're leaving me for your neighbours?!! I asked her what will happen in a few years if they have moved or the mum meets a new man, the kids have grown and she's just the strange single girl living next door who refused to leave them!

She wants me to move there now, and of course it wouldn't be fair of me to make her move here while I refuse to move there. But just looking at the practical side, there's no work in the UK at the moment so she would have to support me. We'd have no family support from her side, her dad sees her a few times a year and her mum maybe twice a month and they don't really agree with our lifestyle. It would be her and me...and the neighbours. If they moved we'd have to follow them (I know they're close but am I the only one who finds that weird?) If she moved here, the job situation is a lot better, we'd have my family's support and friends we can move in with if we can't afford it alone. Our medicare system is better than theirs, everything! I know heaps of Brits who have left because it's so bad. I've even suggested we move to Queensland so that she's not the only one who has to feel she's given up her home and family!

I don't know whether it's better to go back to being friends and in a year or so see if her feelings have changed and get back together...or to stay together and do the same thing. Are we wasting each other's time in a relationship that is likely to go nowhere?

Whether or not to remain friends or continue your relationship is not a question that anyone here can rightfully answer. Ultimately, it takes time, and part of that time being taken is assessing the worth of the relationship. I'm not talking material worth here, but you should perhaps look at how much you're investing and have invested into this person, and whether or not this corresponds to the depth in which she has or is willing to invest in you. Decisions such as immigrating are not easy ones to make and expect of another individual readily, and suggests a level of commitment and long term planning that you both have to be willing to consider for the sake of mutual understanding and willingness to sacrifice and adapt (Aspects of a relationship that in my personal opinion are necessary). The relationships that last are those that are built on mutuality. You have to decide whether or not your relationship is truly mutual. If she has doubts of moving to you because of her ties with neighbours, then that may suggest that her level of depth of feeling for you is not as strong as you may deem it need to be. Not that I'm saying it is, and even if it is, that could simply be one aspect.

I'm not at all suggesting she doesn't care about you, but honestly speaking, you're not the only one that finds her attachment to her neighbours somewhat odd. You bring up the long term and the logic involved when trying to understand her position, if she has not considered these points herself, then perhaps she isn't thinking of the long term in the proper sense. In that case, you might not exactly be on the same page. All I'm saying is speculative however, I do not know you or the other lady, but I should think, that if I were in your position, I would do just as much self reflection as analysis of the other party.

I hope everything turns out well in the end though, and if not, that you both are able to take away some positive experiences and lessons learned.

Baby, just a few loose thoughts.

Abusive behaviour can create those weird dependency dynamics.

Is there maybe more to the relationship with the neighbour than just 'neighbour and neighbour'?

Is she looking for reasons because she is not brave enough to be brutally honest?

If you believe in her and your relationship then support from you might be just the thing she needs. Lots of support. And don't forget she's not used to love and support. She probably feels more at ease in abusive situations coz it's what she knows best. Me thinks.
If you doubt whether she really values your relationship the way you do, then you might wanna look into protecting your heart.

Good luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Precedence

Whether or not to remain friends or continue your relationship is not a question that anyone here can rightfully answer. Ultimately, it takes time, and part of that time being taken is assessing the worth of the relationship. I'm not talking material worth here, but you should perhaps look at

how much you're investing and have invested into this person, and whether or not this corresponds to the depth in which she has or is willing to invest in you.

GOOD POINT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE EQUAL BUT IT CAN'T BE ONE SIDED. SOMETIMES MORE IS INVESTED BY ONE PARTY THAN THE OTHER AND HOPEFULLY THE OTHER RECIPROCATES...



Decisions such as immigrating are not easy ones to make and expect of another individual readily, and suggests a level of commitment and long term planning that you both have to be willing to consider for the sake of mutual understanding and willingness to sacrifice and adapt (Aspects of a relationship that in my personal opinion are necessary).

GOT ME THINKING ABOUT MY WILLINGNESS TO FOREGO TIME WITH MY FAMILY TO BE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND NOT THAT MOM OR FAMILY ARE LESS IMPORTANT... BUT I HAVE TO HAVE MY OWN LIFE TOO THAT NEEDS TIME AND ENERGY TO NUTURE IF I WANT IT TO BE LONG TERM. WHEN YOU ARE SURE OF SOMEONE, IT HAPPENS MORE EASILY AND YOU ARE JUST MORE DECISIVE ABOUT THINGS.

I DON'T SEE WHY THIS GIRL CANNOT SACRIFICE HER NEIGHBOUR TO BE WITH BABY IF SHE SUPPOSEDLY WANTS A RELATIONSHIP WITH BABY.


The relationships that last are those that are built on mutuality. You have to decide whether or not your relationship is truly mutual.

WHAT IF IT CAN'T BE MUTUAL SOMETIMES? DO YOU BELIEVE THAT SOMETIMES ONE PUTS IN MORE THAN THE OTHER BECAUSE THEY CAN AND SOMETIMES ITS VICE VERSA? OR IF SOMEONE DOES MORE AT THE START OF THE RELATIONSHIP ...COULD THAT SET THE WRONG TONE FOR THE REST OF THE RELATIONSHIP....AND THE ONE ON THE RECEIVING END MIGHT JUST TAKE IT FOR GRANTED?

If she has doubts of moving to you because of her ties with neighbours, then that may suggest that her level of depth of feeling for you is not as strong as you may deem it need to be. Not that I'm saying it is, and even if it is, that could simply be one aspect.

I'm not at all suggesting she doesn't care about you, but honestly speaking, you're not the only one that finds her attachment to her neighbours somewhat odd. You bring up the long term and the logic involved when trying to understand her position, if she has not considered these points herself, then perhaps she isn't thinking of the long term in the proper sense. In that case, you might not exactly be on the same page. All I'm saying is speculative however, I do not know you or the other lady, but I should think, that if I were in your position, I would do just as much self reflection as analysis of the other party.

I hope everything turns out well in the end though, and if not, that you both are able to take away some positive experiences and lessons learned.

I LIKE YOUR TAKE ON THINGS

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

Well, we talked last night and she was like, let's discuss the other day. She said it was all a misunderstanding, she never said she didn't want to come here and that I overreacted. I was like PHEW, I was all ready to come here and say "False alarm ladies! I misunderstood!" But as we kept talking she got back into the "I don't want to

Baby baby -- you two getting along could mean good friends not necessarily partners


-----Baby Baby
WHat?????? If a partner wants to be with you ... its a choice... ...anyone other than children should not matter!

-----some take on responsibility for others and make it appear that they have no choice... to hide dealing with their personal issues...and as an EXCUSE for not moving forward in their lives. It's easier to hang on to the familiar and people end up as experts at justifying choosing the path of least resistance or challenge...that aren't always right.

If this girl is doing whats right for her and the neighbour, her relationship should be with them. In a relationship, its always possible to come up with solutions that are right for the couple. She just chose to consider people outside of you and her... not a good sign. How much longer do you have to be 2nd best?

-------IF she wants to be with you ... only you 2 count... not neighbours or an ex.... or a distant 6th cousin, or great grand aunt.... anything but that means relationship building NOT HAPPENING

She wants me to move there now,


-------Baby Baby ---- Of course... when you care about someone... the first thing you should do is get them to move from the land of opportunities to the land of doom and gloom .....with job ....no family except make belief ones next door met a few years ago ...that happened to be substitute family for a few years...because they were nice..... and fulfilled need for a substitute family because own family was inappropriate.

This substitute family won't have her in their will yet she's betting on them. If they don't have you in their will they are NOT FAMILY. If there's no blood plus no will NOT FAMILY. It's not about the money when I mention the Will...its just that she is not that important to them to be thought of that way.

okay bit harsh...but anyway....


......It would be her and me...and the neighbours. If they moved we'd have to follow them .......



------BABY BABY---- hahah sorry I am just picturing it... yes you end up like modern family which is fine but the reason behind it may not be healthy...

If a relationship means something to someone, thats where their focus should be. If the focus is distributed too wide...I would feel like some mistress on the side.

She has to choose neighbour (substitute family) or you (real family to be)... Don't you think?

ex husband... ex girlfriend ...ex anything ....whether they have pets or kids or businesses together .... it's irrelevant....
Pet's don't care, Kids adapt happily its parents that don't, businesses can be sold or working together could still be okay if there's no unfinished business romance wise...SIMPLE things that fall in place

If the choice is to have a relationship with you...ONLY you 2 can be directors of the plan. If she continues to revolve around the lives of anyone other than you... you're the outsider / mistress.


------ baby baby---- Maybe she wants to be a part of their lives because its natural for people with less desirable families to try and adopt other families. TV and society ingrain in us that we need certain types of families to exist. So if we don't tick those boxes some feel a lacking.

Help her forgive her bad family and create her own new family with you. With forgiveness comes freedom from tie downs e.g. neighbour.

My friend is doing that now. Her family disowned her and she's building her own family with her girlfriend. They are a smaller family but size does not matter. Girlfriend has 2 beautiful children and because their mom embraces the relationship and prioritises it, the kids are blossoming. Though I am in a same sex relationship, I never understood lesbians having families. My friend taught me ...that kids can flourish in any setting that the parents recognise as a family! Kids follow their parent's values. How naive I was.

Your girlfriend will be less c0 dependent on the neighbour if she resolves her issues with her family.
It's always something within that propels people to cling to other people or families.

Many of my friends looked to my mom when I was growing up as mom was always caring, fun and took them to the doctors and dentists when they needed it. These friends had families who didn't care or lacked time to care for them. I see it a lot...

Poor family relationships can really hamper people who are not strong / secure enough to stand on their own.

Back to relationships in general....IT ALL COMES DOWN TO WHETHER SHE CHOOSES YOU (new family unit) OR HER EXISTING FAMILY (neighbours).

IF A PARTNER CAN'T HAVE A FRESH START AND BOUNDARIES ESTABLISHED WITH EX ties .... THEY CANT BE THAT INTO YOU or they just don't know any better.

To build a strong foundation, it requires some letting go to what was comfortable. Otherwise there's no space to create something better...

Families can evolve and change and expand and contract. 2 or 10 members...size does not matter, its the closeness and support that counts...and whether they will stick by you thick and thin and love you whole heartedly that counts. Whether they see you once a year or every week...they love you the same. Where you're not second best.


The life you live is always a choice. ... Everything falls into place ONLY after choices are made.

NO SUCH THING as wait for things to be right first before acting. Take control. Nothing is impossible when two people know the future they want together.

After the romance and lust is over...We choose / decide who we love, that we do what it takes to keep that going so its 110% or nothing...no in between.

....everyone else that matters will fit around the relationship. ... All around you will be positive if you're feeling good about relationship.

If parties don't support your union, they will thankfully be placed somewhere they belong that is not your concern.... you don't have to do ANYTHING its so simple....only concern you and your partner

We're talking about adults... Other adults happiness or feelings aren't you're responsibility. They may have done something kind for you in the past or made an impact on your life...BUT YOU DON'T SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BEING GRATEFUL AND INDEBTED TO THEM at the expense of YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

So she has impacted you in a lovely way...and I hope she starts if she hasn't...to invest in the relationship.

My relationship had a bit of " stop start or two" in the beginning... than we got to a better place when we both decided to commit regardless of the potential hurdles. We just do our best to jump over each hurdle together. Sometimes we can't due to distance....so we have to trust each other to do the right thing.

The main reason I persued the relationship was purely because I recognised ONE or TWO vital qualities in my partner. She is decisive and she does not need approval of the world or strangers to make her life decisions.... Otherwise I wouldn't' be with her today.

I just fought with someone today. I think I am in unforgiving battle mode and I think I am reminding myself what to do too!. lol

Some great advice here, thanks everyone! Many of these points I had already considered, and some I hadn't thought of before! That's why it's so great to get different perspectives in a place like this.

I do understand and sympathise that the neighbours are like a second family to her. My girl Lee is particularly attached to the youngest child, but she doesn't seem to grasp that in a few years this kid will grow up and want to hang out with her friends, and at the end of the day Lee has no claim to her if she ever has a falling out with the family or if they move away. They also use her as a free babysitting service and I'm really worried that to a point they are using her and when she's no longer useful, maybe they will distance themselves from her. I can really see in a few years from now her coming to the realisation that she gave up her relationship for a family who stopped bothering with her.

It sounds like a mean thing to say but it's crossed my mind that some part of her "enjoys" the bad situation she's in. I do think it can be addictive and maybe deep down she thrives on drama? We don't really have any drama in our relationship so maybe I'm boring to her? But of course it causes drama when she breaks up with me every few days, so I've decided not to react to that anymore. Like maybe she's testing to see if I care enough to get upset?

I am very aware of the fact that it is a two way street, and it's grossly unfair of me to say "If you love me you will move" but I'm not willing to do the same thing. But I just have to look at it in a practical way - as I've mentioned, there's a terrible unemployment problem in the UK. Lee has friends who have been searching for months. She lives in a small village, not even close to London or anything, and she's stuck in a deadend job that at times has been so stressful it's made her ill. She can't leave because there's literally nothing to go to. Her brother in law just got fired from the same company, so she's not safe there. We'd have to live with her abusive sister since rent is so expensive...that sounds great doesn't it? So basically I'd move there, most likely be unemployed, living with her sister, and possibly resenting the fact that I left my great family to be with her lousy one. If she lost her job we are well and truly screwed! We also both have some minor health problems and their health system is rubbish, plus I doubt the miserable weather helps!

Here, we'd have my family as support, friends we can move in with, I've never had much trouble finding work and I have contacts who could help her get something. Even if we move to Queensland I have cousins there who can help us out. I also think it will be quite doable to save money every year to send her home to visit her beloved neighbours - I'm not sure we can afford the same thing if we lived there.

The silly part is the move won't happen for at least a year or more - so freaking out about it is pointless right now. She will need to assess her situation at the time, not base it on how she feels right now. But she has a tendency to freak out and say "Well we should just break up because I don't want to leave." Then the next day it's "I do want to come." Then it's "No actually I don't." And when she decides she doesn't, she immediately gets into the "we should break up." And I totally get that it's a major change and life decision - but ultimately not a permanent one. She can absolutely decide it's not working and go back home, it would suck ass but she's not permanently committed to staying here unless we had kids. But that's a while away!!! I think we need to cross bridges when we get there, not assume we can't cross the bridge before we've arrived!

Oh and has anyone seen the Drew Barrymore film Going the Distance? Me and Lee actually watched it together. It's the story of us I tell you!!! Neither one wants to leave and they're forced to break up. But it's Hollywood so they work it out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

Some great advice here, thanks everyone! Many of these points I had already considered, and some I hadn't thought of before! That's why it's so great to get different perspectives in a place like this.

I do understand and sympathise that the neighbours are like a second family to her. My girl Lee is particularly attached to the youngest child, but she doesn't seem to grasp that in a few years this kid will grow up and want to hang out with her friends, and at the end of the day Lee has no claim to her if she ever has a falling out with the family or if they move away. They also use her as a free babysitting service and I'm really worried that to a point they are using her and when she's no longer useful, maybe they will distance themselves from her. I can really see in a few years from now her coming to the realisation that she gave up her relationship for a family who stopped bothering with her.

It sounds like a mean thing to say but it's crossed my mind that some part of her "enjoys" the bad situation she's in. I do think it can be addictive and maybe deep down she thrives on drama? We don't really have any drama in our relationship so maybe I'm boring to her? But of course it causes drama when she breaks up with me every few days, so I've decided not to react to that anymore. Like maybe she's testing to see if I care enough to get upset?

I am very aware of the fact that it is a two way street, and it's grossly unfair of me to say "If you love me you will move" but I'm not willing to do the same thing. But I just have to look at it in a practical way - as I've mentioned, there's a terrible unemployment problem in the UK. Lee has friends who have been searching for months. She lives in a small village, not even close to London or anything, and she's stuck in a deadend job that at times has been so stressful it's made her ill. She can't leave because there's literally nothing to go to. Her brother in law just got fired from the same company, so she's not safe there. We'd have to live with her abusive sister since rent is so expensive...that sounds great doesn't it? So basically I'd move there, most likely be unemployed, living with her sister, and possibly resenting the fact that I left my great family to be with her lousy one. If she lost her job we are well and truly screwed! We also both have some minor health problems and their health system is rubbish, plus I doubt the miserable weather helps!

Here, we'd have my family as support, friends we can move in with, I've never had much trouble finding work and I have contacts who could help her get something. Even if we move to Queensland I have cousins there who can help us out. I also think it will be quite doable to save money every year to send her home to visit her beloved neighbours - I'm not sure we can afford the same thing if we lived there.

The silly part is the move won't happen for at least a year or more - so freaking out about it is pointless right now. She will need to assess her situation at the time, not base it on how she feels right now. But she has a tendency to freak out and say "Well we should just break up because I don't want to leave." Then the next day it's "I do want to come." Then it's "No actually I don't." And when she decides she doesn't, she immediately gets into the "we should break up." And I totally get that it's a major change and life decision - but ultimately not a permanent one. She can absolutely decide it's not working and go back home, it would suck ass but she's not permanently committed to staying here unless we had kids. But that's a while away!!! I think we need to cross bridges when we get there, not assume we can't cross the bridge before we've arrived!

YOU AND I TYPE THE LONGEST MESSAGES HERE...
I AM GIVING PEOPLE A BREAK TONIGHT.
MY RESPONSE TO YOUR MESSAGE THIS EVENING IS YEP YEP AGREE...WAIT AND SEE WHAT UK GIRL WANTS TO DO NEXT AND IF THE INDECISIVENESS CONTINUES STRIKE OFF!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

Oh and has anyone seen the Drew Barrymore film Going the Distance? Me and Lee actually watched it together. It's the story of us I tell you!!! Neither one wants to leave and they're forced to break up. But it's Hollywood so they work it out.

HEY LIFE CAN HAVE HAPPY ENDINGS LIKE HOLLYWOOD TOO

Was just reflecting and I think I am used to having a long distance relationship now

Nice to have that secure feeling.

Maybe I'm becoming more independent