2nd April 2012, 02:50 AM #1
How to deal with how I'm feeling.
To start off, I'll give a little background of myself and my situation.
First off, I've just turned 21 and only just starting to truly accept that I'm gay. Or at the very least bisexual with a major bias toward other guys, because I still dig some chicks. I'm not out, I did at one stage in high school come out to my best friend to try to force myself into accepting it, but alas didnt work. I played it off as a stupid dumb joke (typical jock behaviour). I've got a gay younger brother, who I admire and envy for having the balls to know who he was and accept that and to come out to our family. 99% of the extended family know about him and he's pretty much accepted across the board. I'm a rugby player and also a law student.
My problem is, I've just started coming to terms with my sexuality. My problem is, I don't want to come out to my parents. They took my brothers coming out pretty hard, particularly dad. It only took them a month to work it around in their heads and they were cool with it. But I dont know how theyd go finding out that their eldest is also a raging homosexual as well....
The second problem I have is, I have little self esteem and any sense of self worth. I'm trying to work on that, but it's not always easy. I feel like a failure at most things and I often look at myself in the mirror and not particularly like what I see both on a physical level and a psychological level (what I mean by psychological is I don't like what I am inside). I'm a big guy, already starting to thin/go bald (thank you grandad) and just generally not a very attractive person. Inside I'm quite a dark, brooding sort of person. Not sad moody, but I am in a constant state of frustration/anger. I'm at my wits end with it. I'm far from suicidal. But I am getting to the point I'm pushing everyone away and losing all interests in a social life (not that there was much of one to begin with anyway).
I know for a fact that most of my mates will ditch me, being from religious backgrounds and from earlier conversations about my brother... And I also just recently moved out of home to attend uni and I live alone. My social skills completely suck. Lol.
I just really don't know what in the crap to do anymore. I feel that frustrated that all I feel like doing is running/working out/punching things. How can I deal with this, personally.
PS. This is my first foray into the gay world, albeit on the internet...