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How to deal with how I'm feeling.

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Brendo21 +

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Default How to deal with how I'm feeling.
Hi everyone.

To start off, I'll give a little background of myself and my situation.

First off, I've just turned 21 and only just starting to truly accept that I'm gay. Or at the very least bisexual with a major bias toward other guys, because I still dig some chicks. I'm not out, I did at one stage in high school come out to my best friend to try to force myself into accepting it, but alas didnt work. I played it off as a stupid dumb joke (typical jock behaviour). I've got a gay younger brother, who I admire and envy for having the balls to know who he was and accept that and to come out to our family. 99% of the extended family know about him and he's pretty much accepted across the board. I'm a rugby player and also a law student.

My problem is, I've just started coming to terms with my sexuality. My problem is, I don't want to come out to my parents. They took my brothers coming out pretty hard, particularly dad. It only took them a month to work it around in their heads and they were cool with it. But I dont know how theyd go finding out that their eldest is also a raging homosexual as well....

The second problem I have is, I have little self esteem and any sense of self worth. I'm trying to work on that, but it's not always easy. I feel like a failure at most things and I often look at myself in the mirror and not particularly like what I see both on a physical level and a psychological level (what I mean by psychological is I don't like what I am inside). I'm a big guy, already starting to thin/go bald (thank you grandad) and just generally not a very attractive person. Inside I'm quite a dark, brooding sort of person. Not sad moody, but I am in a constant state of frustration/anger. I'm at my wits end with it. I'm far from suicidal. But I am getting to the point I'm pushing everyone away and losing all interests in a social life (not that there was much of one to begin with anyway).

I know for a fact that most of my mates will ditch me, being from religious backgrounds and from earlier conversations about my brother... And I also just recently moved out of home to attend uni and I live alone. My social skills completely suck. Lol.

I just really don't know what in the crap to do anymore. I feel that frustrated that all I feel like doing is running/working out/punching things. How can I deal with this, personally.

PS. This is my first foray into the gay world, albeit on the internet...
ammonite +

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Have you come out to your brother?
Brendo21 +

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No I haven't. I know this would be a logical step, BUT I tell him, he'll spill his guts to my parents and I'm not ready for that.
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Coming out to your brother, I agree, would be a great first step for you to take. He will understand how you're feeling at present better than anyone.

I came out when I was 19. My brother was 21 at the time and he was the first person I told. Such a scary moment, looking back on it now. The funny thing was that he was gay too, but he didn't tell anyone in our family until 5 years had passed since my coming out. I had explicitly asked him the year before he came out if he was gay. He avoided the question in a way that made me think my presumption had upset him, so I didn't labour the point and didn't dwell on it anymore. It turned out I was right in the end, as siblings can often have an intuition when it comes to these sorts of things. Perhaps your younger brother has an inkling already?

Whether or not your brother does suspect you might be gay or bisexual is neither here nor there in the end. What you need to make sure of is that you're ready to tell someone, perhaps him, that you feel the way you do. This is one thing in your life that really is all about you and your happiness! Keeping it bottled up is only going to perpetuate the way you're currently feeling. You will know who is the right person to tell first. The first person you tell is always the hardest, but from that point on it generally gets easier. The gay brother in your situation is the obvious first choice. In a lot of ways having a gay brother is a blessing - no other person will have the implicit understanding of your particular situation that he does. He knows what you have gone through in the past, are about to go through if you decide to come out, and what you will go through in the future, especially with regards to your parents' reaction.

Where your parents' reactions are concerned, the only advice I can give is that none of that is within your control. None of us want to disappoint our parents. But if their acceptance of your brother's sexuality is as you've described it then, equally, yours should be met with the same reaction, but with even more understanding than he experienced. Everyone's parents react differently to the news, but seeing as my experience mirrors yours to some extent, I'll tell you now that I was terrified of telling my dad I was gay more than anyone else. My brother told me it was the same for him. When I came out to my father he told me he was disappointed in me, at which point my heart sank and I felt gutted. It was only then that he added he was disappointed only because I wasn't able to tell him I way gay earlier. He thought we had a better relationship than that. When my brother came out to him some five years later, my brother asked him how he felt having two sons - his two only sons, mind you - that were gay, he simply said he had two wonderful sons who happened to be gay, nothing more. What we perceive our parent's reactions to be and what they actually are can often be at odds with each other. It is in the nature of closeted gay and bi people to expect the worst, but it is often misplaced.

The point is that although your parents might have taken your brother's coming out as a challenge, with the benefit of that experience behind them they are more likely to react differently to your coming out. Don't put too much stock in them having the same difficulty they had with your brother's sexuality as they might with yours. Homosexuality in the family is no where near as unfamiliar to them now as was when your brother came out.

Never underestimate your parents' capacity for unconditional love for their children. After all, it's in their nature!

Good luck with your situation, Brendon.

Cheers,
Jim

Last edited by Chancethegardener: 2nd April 2012 at 09:12 PM

Brendo21 +

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Hi Jim,

Thanks for that well written reply. That's helped me a fair bit actually. The similarities are uncanny! Lol. But you've given me a lot to mull over, thanks muchly for sharing your and your brothers experience.
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He's not trustworthy even if you explicitly ask him not to talk to them?
Brendo21 +

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He probably is, it's just my nature not to trust people. Been burned too many times unfortunately. It's soemthing I will have to work on doing. I have often thought about it, but then the what ifs start and then the ramifications of those what ifs turn me off the idea. Basically in a sense, I more or less talk myself out of it.
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Hey Brendo,
First up welcome to SS and secondly we are all here willing to listen and help

I have seen a lot of parallels between your story, my own and so many others I have come to know. I'm not saying that to make you feel stupid- quite the opposite... I just want you to know that you're not alone in this by any means. From my own experience, I think the biggest hurdle was feeling like I was taking the world on single handedly and I would say it's a shared theme across the board for people who haven't yet come out even those who are just questioning their sexuality and want to know more.

What you say about yourself and self image isn't good but also it's by no means "unfixable" (for lack of a better word). Your venture on to SameSame and willingness to share your story is a big step and should be a signal to yourself that you still have a 'fight left in you' yet and have such courage to actually speak up and seek help. Many others wouldn't and haven't take that crucial step (this is a call out to anyone else to speak up and be heard!)

What you've said about your family seems fairly positive at the end of the day and it's good to know that if you were to come out to them that they'd all have walked that path before. You also mentioned the "what-ifs" and to be frank, the "what-ifs" are the worse of it all in my opinion from personal experience. Getting hung up on hypotheticals is common to every human being but in this kind of situation it can really be a mind f**k! It was because of this that it took me three years to come out to my parents after coming out to my close friends and then gradually accepting it myself.

I think you're on a pretty good track mate... you are aware of what you're feeling, you have taken to step of speaking about it and you are thinking about the future and what your options are. That's a good thing and I encourage you to keep on it and not fall too deep into the hole of despair. Remember that "Rome wasn't built in a day" and the same goes for such a rite of passage as this. Luckily there is a lot of help along the way, just have to know it's there!
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can only echo ammi's and ctg's posts

good luck bro

and it does get easier (cliched (or clicked as bobby would say) i know ... but true)

and welcome to ss
eat clean ...... lift heavy ...... be a boss
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Brendon,
By giving advice I'd only be repeating what some wonderful people have already said to you in this thread. So I won't go there.

Just have some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and there are always people around who are willing to support you and offer guidance when it's needed. You have taken a good step by sharing your story here and allowing for open discussion on something that many many gay and bi people grapple with around the country.
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Hi Brendon. My younger brother came out 10 years before I did. He always knew he was gay whereas I did not come to that level of acceptance within myself until much later in life. Like you my parents had already dealt with my brother being gay before I came out to them. So both boys in my family are gay and now out.

If you need someone to talk to most universities provide a counselling service. You should make use of this to discuss the issues you have mentioned here. The important thing is to be happy in yourself. If you are not happy and don't know why then talk to someone who can help. If you do know why you are unhappy then do something about it. You are at that stage in life now where you have a lot of opportunities and time to make changes in your life if you want to.

Good luck! Hugs
Mark
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If nothing else, one thing reading this thread has taught me in recent days, is that nuclear families with more than one gay sibling is clearly more common than I thought was the case.

Its not uncommon for identical twins to be of the same sexual identity as each other of course, but it would appear that gay siblings are not entirely uncommon either even when born from seperate pregnancies years apart from each other.
prezben +

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Hey Brendo21! Welcome to SameSame - where everyone is different :P

My boss helped me a great deal when I was coming out and was, I think, about the 3rd person I came out to well before my family and most of my friends. He sees the world a lot differently than most and the reason I was drawn to him is that he doesn't fit the box either. He's not gay but you'd swear he was, he's not afraid of who he is and I've never seen a person so comfortable with what they like and who they are. I wanted that so I sought him out.

But remember this is a journey. In some respects (like many have already mentioned) I see the similarities in our separate but similiar journeys. Your mind, your body and your soul is pushing you to accept and be who you are but the justified fear needs to be worked through and this will take time. I didn't come out until I was 27 and I'm not the oldest.

Take YOUR time and be sure. Reach out and ask the questions of those that have come before. Expect more from your friends and family and if they don't give it to you get some others!
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Hey Brendo. I don't really know what to say to be helpful that others haven't already said.

My personal experience is from the other side I guess. I was the younger brother that came out at like 15/ 16, whereas my sister who is a lesbian didn't come out till she was 29, had been married & had 4 kids. Her main regret know is that she didn't do it sooner but as I keep telling her she obviously wasn't ready.

Anyway I have no idea what I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm just trying to echo the "you're not alone" points already been made. Maybe I'm trying to say don't beat yourself up over not coming out until your ready. Maybe I'm just trying to let you know there are many of us here at SS that are willing to give advice (even if it is as useless as mine has been) or provide support in whatever way we can. I can't speak for the others but PM if you need to talk, rant or ramble. If that helps you. I've been in a dark place (& I mean dark place) mentally & talking helped me. It may not help you but I guess the offer is there.

Welcome to SS
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Brendo21 +

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Default Status update.
Hey guys, thanks for the advice. Havent been able to log in for a bit, dodgy connection and all.

I'm seriously considering coming out to my brother at least in the near future. My mum seems to have some inkling, just the feeling I get after some comments over the past few weekends now. There hasnt been the same typical "so have your eye on any girls down your way?" it's now moved onto "so have your eye on somebody down there?" I know it seems like nit picking, but for my mum thats a big change... Had always asked that question since I was about 14 or so. But then somewhat of a change in the past couple weeks to that. She may have caught me checking out a cute guy or something when she came down here for a visit a few weeks back when we went to the beach or something. It's a matter of growing some balls really. I don't see it being a problem, as such anymore. It's just getting the courage to just come out with it.

The other step I've been making is I've signed up to a few gay chat and dating sites along with grindr and boyahoy on my phone. I use it only for chatting, I make it abundantly clear I'm not looking for anything more than chats and possible friends at this stage. Not sure if that's a good thing to do, but it's something I've done. I've also got a few dating websites out now as well. Had a few nibbles from guys and girls, but nothing I'd consider going for just yet.
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^^ On ya Brendo

You're first post sounded a bit like a worry but it's good to hear that it seems you're getting your head around it all.
Thunderdome 'till we die!!!
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Just read all of the replies to this post! I'm also new to SS and the support on here is incredible. Brendo, I'm in somewhat of a similar situation to you, however it is also very different. I am nearly 30 and I have been married for the last 6 years. My wife knows I am gay, but no one else. We have decided to stay living together for our kids but she is happy for me to go out and find some friends for support. She is incredibly supportive and I had no idea she would be this amazing.
I suppose what I am trying to say is I understand the feeling of being in this situation with no one else knowing.....I wouldn't even know if anyone else suspected I was gay....It's a pretty horrible feeling and I am sure it is all going to have to come out soon..... Just wanted to write how inspiring everyone is on here, didn't realise there was this much support around....
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