Hello,

I'm new to this forum/website, but this seemed a rather logical place to come.
There aren't many I can say are supportive - and the ones that are..well. Let's just say they're not particularly 'even minded'.

To Begin..:

I'm a 21 year old who's been diagnosed agoraphobic, with chronic anxiety and depression, and have been so for over a decade now.

Earlier in the year, my partner of 7 years (yes, high-school love) and I broke up - and I encountered an American of who I am so very in love with.

I suppose where I'm heading with this is.. just the stress of a long-distance relationship.

My phobia alone leaves me practically incapable of leaving the house at all - even for short periods of time. And lately all my mind has been able to think on is this American I'm connected to, and how I'll ever be able to even be with him.

So in that, I've turned to my friends for support..friends I wholeheartedly support in everything they do - and have for many years.

This was not a good idea evidently.. Some are mildly supportive of the 'idea' - but not of my surity of the one I love.
Actually had one of my closest friends tell me to "try get into Canada, incase your partner gets hit by a bus and dies - then at least you'll have (x's) family nearby so you're not alone." Followed by.. "Or if he runs off with a cabana boy lmao".
Clearly my view of these 'friends' was off-base from the beginning.

And thus I'm here, venting my thoughts on the subject, and wondering if anyone on this website is in/or has ever been, in a similar situation - and if so; how does one cope with the stresses of such a long distance relationship ?
I have no desire whatsoever to throw this away - I'm just having a hard time with it.

I've been quite fine, up until the last few months when everything seems so impossible - and there's roadblocks at every turn.

Not here to whine about it.. Merely after some alternate views on the matter..or experiences with similar.

Much obliged.

My long distance relationship lasted 6 months between Sydney and Melbourne. It was fabulous while it lasted.

Im guessing you met on the internet? Have you met in person yet? The reality is you will find it incredibly hard to immigrate to the USA. Being 21 you know you can apply for a Canadian work visa and then apply for one in the UK when your Canadian visa runs out. Not sure if you could do both but you will have to look into that. The other reality is sponsor him into Australia then apply for spousal visa. Being on ships I have had my share of confronting the reality of long distance relationships so enjoyed the time I had with the reality that keeping it going would be painful for both involved. Maybe meet for a holiday together mid way - say Hawaii, and have a great time.

I knew a guy from Blacktown who was in a relationship with a guy from Oregon.
They lived together in California for a year or so. Then they lived in Paddington then in Ettalong for another three years or so.

I didn't know about their visa, finances or emotional dynamics. But they're not together anymore.

Yeah, met on the internet.. same with my former partner of 7 years originally..and for the first year of that relationship.

We havn't met in person yet - but will be meeting in January, in Australia.

I'm very aware of how difficult American Immigration is.. I'm a very analytical person, so I've sifted through every possible text on it there is..as with a number of other countries' immigration/and Visa options/eligibility. Still wandering through all of that.
Australia's Immigration however is much more simple.. Much less limited, and easier to work with in regards to renewal of Visas for temporary/or extended stay - being that, to renew ones work/tourist/other Visa, requires nothing more than flying to say.. NZ, or Indonesia, to renew it. So this will be the middle ground.
The Spousal Visa/and Sponsoring isn't something I can quite do just yet, also.

As for treating it as if it will inevitably end... That isn't something I'm inclined to do.
Fair enough if you felt that the effort spent on it; and the pain involved in being away was to much to deal with to continue it.. I can understand that. But I'm not like that.. I can't view it so simply. Nor in such a hollow way.
Assuming the worst and resigning from something hard isn't worth giving up on.. The potential for it being wonderful once it's worked through; once it ends, outweighs it very easily.
Not to say I'm not a realist - I very much Am a realist.. But when someone appears who you can't picture a day without, and even the most simple of thoughts like holding their hand makes you happy.. Your view changes on how melancholic and angst ridden the situation leading to that is.
Reality always bites.. But it doesn't have to forever, if you don't want it to.

My view on this is simple: I've found someone I adore, and will do anything to keep by my side.
And furthermore..to make clear my 'mental' stance on this; In the 7 years I was with my former partner, I cannot once think of a time where I felt the same as I do right now. Content. Confident. Sure. And the fella is on the other side of planet..not sitting next to me.
Granted, it would be much easier to just be with someone 'closer to home' - but I believe I've found someone worth more effort than something situational & convenient.. Someone I feel I'm meant to be with.

I'm aware it will take effort from both parties.. I'm aware it'll take dedication, and pain is unavoidable.. But I see worth in it. We, see worth in fighting for it.

The pain of distance is nothing compared to the experience and reward of being together. However long that may or may not be.
Time is fleeting. I intend to make the most of every minute of it, and not dwell on or regret what 'could have been'.

[quote=Eclectricity;496604]Yeah, met on the internet.. same with my former partner of 7 years originally..and for the first year of that relationship.

We havn't met in person yet - but will be meeting in January, in Australia.

I'm very aware of how difficult American Immigration is.. I'm a very analytical person, so I've sifted through every possible text on it there is..as with a number of other countries' immigration/and Visa options/eligibility. Still wandering through all of that.
Australia's Immigration however is much more simple.. Much less limited, and easier to work with in regards to renewal of Visas for temporary/or extended stay - being that, to renew ones work/tourist/other Visa, requires nothing more than flying to say.. NZ, or Indonesia, to renew it. So this will be the middle ground.
The Spousal Visa/and Sponsoring isn't something I can quite do just yet, also.

great you are meeting first. You sound like you researched it well. the guy I should be with in regards to soul connection is an American also, i know all about US immigration. We met in Hawaii 6 years ago but he is stationed in middle east now so that is pretty much out of my reality . Go for it and like you said, you have a middle ground if needed. good luck

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eclectricity

Yeah, met on the internet.. same with my former partner of 7 years originally..and for the first year of that relationship.

But I'm not like that.. I can't view it so simply. Nor in such a hollow way.'.

Being realistic isnt hollow, just something gained with age. Sorry if you misread my reality bites - it does and often hurts.. it's just called emotional maturity and that needs incredibly more effort than creating karma.

Hey Eclec, welcome to same same. It's nice that you have someone you feel is worth caring about so intensely. I've also experienced depression, (not as bad as many others have it, but chronic), and isolation. Solitude, if seen in the right way, can be a great thing which enables personal growth, self-knowledge, perspective, self-sufficiency, and beautiful, deep experience of life, all which wouldn't be possible around people. There can be worlds of difference between loneliness and just being alone with your self. Western culture doesn't generally value solitude enough, and seeing it as something bad can cause it to be horrible. Friendship and love are of course key to a happy, fulfilled, and well-rounded life, but so is spending time in one's own company in a positive way. If a person can't be happy in their own company, how can others? Read widely, experience the natural world as much as possible, meditate, contemplate, enjoy fresh air, sunshine, thunder storms... I recommend all/any of that separate from the boyfriend problem, but it would definitely help that too. Be really careful to avoid over-obsessiveness by keeping your mind on other enjoyable activities (being too clingy or too needy/dependent on the other for happiness can kill a relationship, and both depression and isolation can increase this tendency). Find happiness within yourself, and share that with others. Write a lot, for nobody but yourself to read, freely writing on anything / everything on your mind.

hi there, wow I had no idea that long distance relationships were so common, I am in a lingo of a long distance relationship -_-, met online earlier this year, very cliche to say but he is different, beautiful head to toe, humorous and always lights up my day, I broke it off with him because I wanted him to go out and experiment as he was only a new bisexual........ he diddn't like that but we remained friends.

he then tries to make me jealous and we fight, and we made up then about 6 weeks later it really hit me, i couldn't stop thinking of him and I told him how I felt and he said he wasn't sure if he was bisexual, but we give it another go anyway and it was good for 2 weeks then I noticed he wasn't crazy for me as he used to, and then we diddn't talk for a while and he then sends me a message that basicly said im straight and your a good friend. so I told him I wanted him to be happy

I then say a quick hey, after a few weeks and he said he was still bi, and I told him to come to aus
Hopefully will convince him

and what I found out through this, is that I do not want to live my life without him not being there, wither as a friend or more, hope this helps

Im going to marry my computer once they fully recognise 'object' love.

Hi Eclectricity,

How did your January meeting work out?

hi there, wow I had no idea that long distance relationships were so common, I am in a lingo of a long distance relationship -_-, met online earlier this year, very cliche to say but he is different

Thank you for asking. I'd stepped away from here because of some of the 'feedback'.. 'enjoy it while it lasts' and whatnot. Those poor arse attitudes have no place in a 'care' section of the forum at all. Nor in general life either.

It actually didn't happen until November last year. We both had a lot of family issues/deaths, etc. come up on both sides of the map that stunted our plans pretty immensely.

I brought him over in November for just over a week - we stayed at the Otways & basically..spent those days roaming around south Victoria, all the coastal towns and whatnot.

It was amazing.. may have only been just over a week, but for both of us it was easily the best time of our lives.

We're planning to make it permanent now. Been about 2 & a half years together. (and i should note: monogamously.)
Aiming to move him over to Australia/or both of us to New Zealand if possible. The trickier part.

But for me, a chronic anxiety & chronic major depression sufferer - him being here was rather remarkable. Once he was by my side, most if not all of my anxieties were gone. It was the first time in the last 12 years where I havn't been housebound basically..and that's..incredible.. just him being next to me did more than all the medications & therapies I've ever been through put together.
And for him, being down here, & with me - a lot of his physical problems (sufferer of a rather rare form of osteo-arthritis) didn't bother him either.

Things are very, Very clear to us now.

So, to those who gave positive feedback - thank you very much. It's most appreciated. This won't be a 'failing' long distance relationship.
To those who chose to be rather.. depressive (no, not realistic) in their responses.. think before you speak. Not everything has the same outcome.
& to those who're in a similar situation to me.. Keep a level head. Don't listen to the bullcrap people spray at you. Only You and your partner will know what's best for you both.
If it doesn't work out - don't feel bad, or dismayed.. It's not one of the easiest situations to be in.. But in my case, & opinion - it's definitely worth it if you both can make it work. I regret none of it.

Peace.

Since you've been together for over 2 year, he may be able to get in as a de-facto partner migration following an initial period on a working holiday - Americans can get those now.

If you're serious I guess the 'worst case scenario' would be to back-door him via NZ, whose migration is even more accommodating and permissive than our Aussie one and once he's got his Kiwi Passport, he has free entry to Aus to live and work with pretty much no restrictions.

Given that you're both in your 20s stil, there are heaps of options available for you and I think you have every reason to hope for a good outcome from the migration end of things.

As the others hint at, I'd pretty much forget trying to get yourself into the US - its been hard in the best of times, and still they're having troubles meeting their own people's needs in terms of jobs, below-living minimum wages, inaccessible health care etc

i need to get a lover. a lover will solve all my issues and i am so so many many etc..

Quote:

Originally Posted by ernesto_1

i need to get a lover. a lover will solve all my issues and i am so so many many etc..

nice sarcasm. my point wasn't that i 'need' my lover. nor that i'm helpless without him.

my point is that in having that level of comfort with someone that i do have a relationship with, and trust - for the first time in my life from anyone..for that short period of time helped me more than anything else has thus far.

however this thread, i started with the hope some people might be able to chime in with help with practical thought or something alike.. opinions from people who have gone through a long distance relationship, etc.
preferably from people who can structure an english sentence properly, which apparently you can't do either.

smartarses like you should stay far away from people seeking help.

i merely gave an update that people were asking for.

people like You are why i have little to nothing to do with the 'gay subculture'. half of this apparently 'understanding' community are arsehoeles, expecting the rest of the world to accept them when they won't even accept their 'likeminded' fellow man.

have fun being lonely for the rest of your life i suppose.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eclectricity

nice sarcasm. my point wasn't that i 'need' my lover. nor that i'm helpless without him.

my point is that in having that level of comfort with someone that i do have a relationship with, and trust - for the first time in my life from anyone..for that short period of time helped me more than anything else has thus far.

however this thread, i started with the hope some people might be able to chime in with help with practical thought or something alike.. opinions from people who have gone through a long distance relationship, etc.
preferably from people who can structure an english sentence properly, which apparently you can't do either.

smartarses like you should stay far away from people seeking help.

i merely gave an update that people were asking for.

people like You are why i have little to nothing to do with the 'gay subculture'. half of this apparently 'understanding' community are arsehoeles, expecting the rest of the world to accept them when they won't even accept their 'likeminded' fellow man.

have fun being lonely for the rest of your life i suppose.

That person who you refer to as a 'smart arse' is a wise person who's helped me a lot.

Also if you have such an aversion to the 'gay subculture' why did you seek advice on a GLBTIQ website when you perceive 'half' of the people who belong to the 'subculture' as 'arseholes'?

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrAsh

That person who you refer to as a 'smart arse' is a wise person who's helped me a lot.

Also if you have such an aversion to the 'gay subculture' why did you seek advice on a GLBTIQ website when you perceive 'half' of the people who belong to the 'subculture' as 'arseholes'?

if he's been so helpful, then why throw sarcasm at someone he doesnt even know ?

desperation is part of my answer, to that. a thought that maybe this would be a good place to ask my question/and for advice. not knowing where else to go.

and then came the replies..and private messages. some of which were really sweet, but a majority of which were critical and cruel to say to the strongest of people, let alone someone clearly and as stated, having trouble.
especially the private messages. so i stopped coming back here..until a few days ago. and in that short amount of time it it's already happened more.

either there's a lot of trolls here, or a lot of genuine pricks. i'm a bit tired of dealing with them, so i won't continue to 'leave it alone'.

my apologies to your friend if it wasn't sarcasm. but i have a very low tolerance for getting stepped on now.

all i did originally was ask for advice, and got mostly treated like crap and judged/mocked.. that's not very helpful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eclectricity

if he's been so helpful, then why throw sarcasm at someone he doesnt even know ?

desperation is part of my answer, to that. a thought that maybe this would be a good place to ask my question/and for advice. not knowing where else to go.

and then came the replies..and private messages. some of which were really sweet, but a majority of which were critical and cruel to say to the strongest of people, let alone someone clearly and as stated, having trouble.
especially the private messages. so i stopped coming back here..until a few days ago. and in that short amount of time it it's already happened more.

either there's a lot of trolls here, or a lot of genuine pricks. i'm a bit tired of dealing with them, so i won't continue to 'leave it alone'.

my apologies to your friend if it wasn't sarcasm. but i have a very low tolerance for getting stepped on now.

all i did originally was ask for advice, and got mostly treated like crap and judged/mocked.. that's not very helpful.

It's certainly clear that you have been dealing with a lot of issues and complex ones. The negative response to your initial enquiry isn't acceptable at all.

In future when you have a negative experience on SameSame I strongly recommend you to report the abuse to the site moderators, this includes abusive PM's.

its very important to laugh at urself... all of ur quirks that make up u... like me for example. i choose to make a mockery of my singleness its a defence mechanism. i choose to help others to stay on the straight and narrow coz thats what i would want for myself. despite this.. sometimes the pull towards the darkness and the steam and the smell of amyl is too overpowering.. and certain wanton individuals still go back to the souless hopeless place!

if electricity read more of my posts... he will notice that i was in fact talking about myself.. not about him coz i love talking about myself and drawing attention to myself. i think im an underappreciated interesting being.. hence why i always talk about myself!

but if u wanted my advice. here is mine. even tho u have agoraphobia, u are soo soo lucky to have found a man.. even if it doesnt last consider urself lucky and remember it for what it is. with me. i can go out and i do go out. i go everywhere and i never find nothing that remotely makes me want to settle. so consider urself lucky relative to poor lil ernie who is single and gets abused by the OP!!! *cries*

Quote:

Originally Posted by ernesto_1

but if u wanted my advice. here is mine. even tho u have agoraphobia, u are soo soo lucky to have found a man.. even if it doesnt last consider urself lucky and remember it for what it is. with me. i can go out and i do go out. i go everywhere and i never find nothing that remotely makes me want to settle. so consider urself lucky relative to poor lil ernie who is single and gets abused by the OP!!! *cries*

Awww big hugs Ernie.

I'm thrilled to hear your meeting was wonderful. Thank you for coming back and telling us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ammonite

I'm thrilled to hear your meeting was wonderful. Thank you for coming back and telling us.

Agreed