So. I'm not keen on asking the advice of strangers but i'm really in a pickle.

As some of you will have gathered, I was in a LTR with somebody who was having some issues with being intimate. This went on for quite some time before it eventually smothered our relationship and things came to an end. I have been left much worse off emotionally due to this process. All up we had been dating for a couple of years, the majority of it sexless.

Anyway, over the past couple of months we have begun spending time together again, and things have moved along to the point where I guess you could say we are perhaps in a relationship of sorts. I adore this girl, pined for her when we were apart and can't honestly see myself being nearly as happy without her. I have come to accept that we may never have a sexual relationship again because to be honest, as happy as I am to have her back in my life, things haven't really changed in that respect. We are affectionate but not sexual. I have had a fleeting conversation about this with her in the past few weeks, and she understands this makes me uneasy but has always maintained that she needs time and space to move past the things that are causing her to withdraw. This time around I have not placed any pressure on her whatsoever but I am also not willing to consent to being celebate. I might also add that she suggested I keep my options open as she was not ready to commit to a relationship with me again.

Anyway, my issue is this: I have been asked on a date and I would like to go. I have no intention of sleeping with this woman, but I told my 'it's complicated' anyway, as I believe it is only fair. I also wanted her to understand that as much as I am committed to working things out, I still want to be able to experience my sexuality. Obviously I would love for this to be with her but I think that the time has come to accept that this is probably not possible, and to instigate a compromise of sorts.

When I told her, she flipped out. She told me that she feels I am being selfish and that in deciding to see somebody else I have proven that I am not serious about her. I feel as though the progress we have made has been destroyed and I feel responsible.

Am I being fair?

Ok I'm going to quote Dr Phil here, so forgive me, but he says a relationship should be measured by how much it meets the needs of both people. If you were happy to be in a non physical relationship and so is she, then I would say awesome, go for it. But it sounds like sex is something you want as part of your life. Celibacy is what she wants as part of her life. The two don't go together. If she was cool for you to be with her, but get your sex from others, then that would also be ok. She's not.

It's not that you're being unfair, or even that she is. Neither of you is wrong. She's not interested in sex, but she wants a committed relationship minus the intimacy. You on the other hand need a physical relationship, and she's not willing to let you have one. Either with her or others. If you want to be with her, it sounds like that means no sex. Can you live with that? If not, then sadly I just don't think she's the one for you. Maybe you can work out a friendship with her, since it sounds like you do have a connection, but a long term romantic relationship? It really doesn't sound like it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bar Wench

So. I'm not keen on asking the advice of strangers but i'm really in a pickle.

As some of you will have gathered, I was in a LTR with somebody who was having some issues with being intimate. This went on for quite some time before it eventually smothered our relationship and things came to an end. I have been left much worse off emotionally due to this process. All up we had been dating for a couple of years, the majority of it sexless.

Anyway, over the past couple of months we have begun spending time together again, and things have moved along to the point where I guess you could say we are perhaps in a relationship of sorts. I adore this girl, pined for her when we were apart and can't honestly see myself being nearly as happy without her. I have come to accept that we may never have a sexual relationship again because to be honest, as happy as I am to have her back in my life, things haven't really changed in that respect. We are affectionate but not sexual. I have had a fleeting conversation about this with her in the past few weeks, and she understands this makes me uneasy but has always maintained that she needs time and space to move past the things that are causing her to withdraw. This time around I have not placed any pressure on her whatsoever but I am also not willing to consent to being celebate. I might also add that she suggested I keep my options open as she was not ready to commit to a relationship with me again.

Anyway, my issue is this: I have been asked on a date and I would like to go. I have no intention of sleeping with this woman, but I told my 'it's complicated' anyway, as I believe it is only fair. I also wanted her to understand that as much as I am committed to working things out, I still want to be able to experience my sexuality. Obviously I would love for this to be with her but I think that the time has come to accept that this is probably not possible, and to instigate a compromise of sorts.

When I told her, she flipped out. She told me that she feels I am being selfish and that in deciding to see somebody else I have proven that I am not serious about her. I feel as though the progress we have made has been destroyed and I feel responsible.

Am I being fair?

So, let me get this straight. The relationship didnt work last time, and nothing has changed, she suggested you keep your options open and admitted she wasnt ready to committ to you and is now dirty at you for wanting to accept and invitation for a date?

If I knew you better and was there in person I would slap you. I know this must be hard for you, and I dont doubt the sincerity of your feelings towards her, but if nothing has changed then nothing will change. I hate to say it but it seems like she has found in you some what of a security blanket, safe and warm and not likely to push boundries.
The problem with that is, what about you? You are sacrificing and changing alot of what you want to make her happy, but what is she doing in return to make you happy?

You have completly done the right thing by telling her of the date invitation, its honest and mature. I think you should go on the date, what if this date turned into the best date of your life? What if you make an awesome new friend?

Hate to be harsh but your "it's complicated" is using you, maybe not intentionally (she may not even be aware of how its making you feel) but it will not end. Once you decide in your mind to make someone a comfy slipper, its hard to think of them in any other way (ie sexually or intimatley). Go on your date and have a fab time

I'm in a similar situation. My long time partner is asexual and while there is plenty of intimacy in the relationship there is really no sex. Sometimes this os ok, like right now, where I don't really need sex either but sometimes I do. I just simply do. I found polyamory worked for me. I am openly non monogomous and my partner is ok with that because she knows I love her and I'm not going to leave her for another.
It sounds like this is exactly what you were attempting to do but your 'it's complicated' was simply too jealous to allow that to work. If you need sex in your life either your 'it's complicated' needs to accept and understand this and allow you to have some sex (not necessarily with her) or you really need to move on. You are not responsible for this. Partners in successful relationships see to each others needs. She is ignoring yours. I think you should go on the date.

Thanks for the replies girls. This scenario has me feeling quite conflicted.

The problem is not so black and white as low-libido/no libido. It is a by-product of PTSD that has led us down this path, but things were not always this way. One day a switch flipped and that was that. We have always gotten along well - I struggle to maintain friendships because I am an introvert and enjoy my own company best, and I am quite abrupt and abrasive IRL and very few people know how to take me, it seems. She and I have a common perspective on life that I very rarely find and I treasure that. So tbh she does quite a bit on her end.

I have on various occasions talked with her about how the lack of intimacy affects me, in gentle, but unambiguous ways. It is the lack of compromise that troubles me most. She has explained that this is not something that I have done, but a bodily reaction she experiences due to other factors. She says that she needs time and space to trust me enough to share that level of intimacy with me. I sometimes wonder whether I am simply chasing the gold at the end of the rainbow by being patient, as it has been years since we shared a functional sexual relationship. She had several other encounters during our split, which left me feeling pretty low.

I am not asking who is wrong or right here. I am just wondering whether it is counter-productive to shake the status-quo at this point.

I'm sure she does have reasons for her aversion to sex, and maybe she can get help with that. But you were with her two years and it didn't change in that time, so how many years will it take? And she says she needs to trust you but she slept with other people during the split? What's that about?

There's no reason at all you can't be close friends if you have this great bond with her. You can still hang out and have fun together. But if you're not getting something you need in a relationship I'm not sure how long it will go before you become resentful? You did the right thing being honest about the date and she didn't take it well.

I know you said you've talked to her but it sounds like its time for an honest chat. You need to make it clear that while you understand her reasons, you cannot be in a sexless relationship. If she's not ready, you won't make her but that means looking outside the relationship. If she's not cool with that, maybe you really are better in a close supportive friendship instead?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bar Wench

Thanks for the replies girls. This scenario has me feeling quite conflicted.

The problem is not so black and white as low-libido/no libido. It is a by-product of PTSD that has led us down this path, but things were not always this way. One day a switch flipped and that was that. We have always gotten along well - I struggle to maintain friendships because I am an introvert and enjoy my own company best, and I am quite abrupt and abrasive IRL and very few people know how to take me, it seems. She and I have a common perspective on life that I very rarely find and I treasure that. So tbh she does quite a bit on her end.

I have on various occasions talked with her about how the lack of intimacy affects me, in gentle, but unambiguous ways. It is the lack of compromise that troubles me most. She has explained that this is not something that I have done, but a bodily reaction she experiences due to other factors. She says that she needs time and space to trust me enough to share that level of intimacy with me. I sometimes wonder whether I am simply chasing the gold at the end of the rainbow by being patient, as it has been years since we shared a functional sexual relationship. She had several other encounters during our split, which left me feeling pretty low.

I am not asking who is wrong or right here. I am just wondering whether it is counter-productive to shake the status-quo at this point.

BW... Sometimes the "status quo" needs shaking up. Live by no regrets. But you have to do what you can deal with. As you probably have read, I lost someone soooo special to me from cancer a few weeks ago. She was married to a male and in a very happy marriage. Her and I well we just "were" and it was fantastic..but it never was going to be anything more than it was. She came into my life when she was meant to and not having her around has left me very very lost to be honest..I will never tho' regret having her in my life and she taught me so much about myself. Sometimes you have to step outside the norm, do things that are not black and white. I am sure you are aware that in pursuing this other that you will be have to deal with "issues" that come up. You need to be able to deal with the consequences though and that can be hard to foresee. I sort of put myself in a similar situation with someone not that long ago...and as disciplined I was in keeping it "strictly sexual", my heart had other ideas and I fell for this person....deeply. But fortunately I was able to pull back at the right time. You just need to be aware of the consequences of your actions, but hey if at the moment I wasn't feeling lost by the loss of my special friend, angry at letting myself fall for this other person and letting them see me vulnerable which really pissed me off, I would not have experienced what I did and hey in time, I know that will give me good moments. And even though at the moment I need to just be on my own, that is not too bad either cos like you, being introverted like you and alone I have no problems with. If I was to say NO absolutely don't do it...you would be disappointed wouldn't you. There is your answer dear girl. X
And we will all be here for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bar Wench

One day a switch flipped and that was that......It is the lack of compromise that troubles me most.......
She experiences due to other factors........
She says that she needs time and space to trust me enough to share that level of intimacy with me. ..........
She had several other encounters during our split, which left me feeling pretty low...

Barwench these points you have raised worry me because all I can see here is she, she, she.
I understand you care deeply for this woman, you have history and a great friendship but when will it be your time?
When will your needs be met? When will you have the intimate relationship you need and deserve?
I feel you are being more than fair ... you have taken into account her wants and needs more than your own and you have clearly been patient and understanding.

For her to suggest that you keep your options open (sounds noble) and then be upset when you contemplate a date with someone else makes me think shes holding onto you for the wrong reasons or until another opportunity comes up?
If I were you I would do exactly as suggested and keep my options open.... go on the date, see how you feel.

You may be upsetting the current status quo but it doesnt sound like your all that happy with the current arrangements anyway.
I hope it works out for you BW ... you are such an interesting, funny, smart woman i dont see why you shouldnt be able to have your cake and eat it too!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mac31

BW... Sometimes the "status quo" needs shaking up. Live by no regrets. But you have to do what you can deal with. As you probably have read, I lost someone soooo special to me from cancer a few weeks ago. She was married to a male and in a very happy marriage. Her and I well we just "were" and it was fantastic..but it never was going to be anything more than it was. She came into my life when she was meant to and not having her around has left me very very lost to be honest..I will never tho' regret having her in my life and she taught me so much about myself. Sometimes you have to step outside the norm, do things that are not black and white. I am sure you are aware that in pursuing this other that you will be have to deal with "issues" that come up. You need to be able to deal with the consequences though and that can be hard to foresee. I sort of put myself in a similar situation with someone not that long ago...and as disciplined I was in keeping it "strictly sexual", my heart had other ideas and I fell for this person....deeply. But fortunately I was able to pull back at the right time. You just need to be aware of the consequences of your actions, but hey if at the moment I wasn't feeling lost by the loss of my special friend, angry at letting myself fall for this other person and letting them see me vulnerable which really pissed me off, I would not have experienced what I did and hey in time, I know that will give me good moments. And even though at the moment I need to just be on my own, that is not too bad either cos like you, being introverted like you and alone I have no problems with. If I was to say NO absolutely don't do it...you would be disappointed wouldn't you. There is your answer dear girl. X And we will all be here for you.

beautifull said mac... and yes ... whichever way you go BW we are here for you

BW, it seems your GF expects you to deal with her issues when she should have resolved 'm by now or at least tried really hard. You girls have been in a relationship for all those years, if she hasn't dealt (or tried to deal) with it by now, I would not hold my breath TBH.
Me thinks sexual drive is one of those uncompromisables in a relationship, well maybe not totally uncompromisable but a fairly similar sexual drive is more than just a favourable aspect of the relationship.

BW, When it comes to relationships 'whatever works' is the best philosophy I've seen. No wrongs, no rights, just it's working or there are issues that need resolving. Sometimes the issues you can live with, sometimes you can't. It sounds like the PTSD, left unresolved, is one you can't live with & that's why you broke up previously. It's up to her to work that out. Personally I think you need professional help with PTSD but she has to want to have it.
It really bothers me that she had other relationships, I presume sexual, while she expects you to be sexless. I just get the sense that something there is not quite right & I would be very wary of taking up with her again. I think it would just be going back to same old, the same old that you found unsatisfying before.

Everyone here has raised some very good points, mostly things that I have already contemplated in one way or another, but all pointing to the fact that perhaps I would be better off to not pursue this. I am inclined to agree, but sadly my want for optimism gets in the way of the more inconvenient facts. Alas, I am only human.

I have long acknowledged that the compromises aren't being made, that I am missing out on the physical relationship I want and need and that I may have been friend-zoned a while ago. I have voiced all of these concerns to her, and in turn heard every excuse in the book as to why it is not true - I need to allow her the time to feel comfortable, and I am being too selfish to see the bigger picture. I guess I am at the stage where I am buying into that train of thought.

Bringing up the date was a good chance for me to be proactive in making some kind of workable compromise early on, but it has failed miserably. I have made no bones about the fact that I am unwilling to have my sexuality taken away from me and feel completely at a loss as to how to move forward because she is somebody very dear to my heart.

It has been a fucking hard day for me, but I feel as though I have been affirmed. sigh.

I know how you feel. In some ways I'd have loved to hear "oh no lee clearly loves you give her time" but the great thing about asking objective strangers and friends is we can cut through the bullshit and see what's going on without the emotion.

I also dated someone who had issues after a rape and I too think its something that has to be dealt with professionally. Like your girl it had been years and she refused to get help. Obviously its a horrible situation but there comes a point where someone has to stop being a victim it it's affecting their life and relationships. I also think its weird that she uses PTSD as an excuse not to sleep with you in 2 years...yet managed to sleep with others who had not spent years "earning trust." Something smells funny there.

Sounds like you have more than given her enough time to get comfortable. I sympathise with her situation but doesn't sound like she's doing anything to meet you halfway.

You're right Baby, I have driven myself and my close friends mad as things worsened over the past eighteen months because I can't seem to get this situation straight in my mind. It has been refreshing to hear more impartial people say the same types of things.

It all seems fairly apparent but there are so many grey areas. To say that we haven't had a sexual relationship in years is not strictly true, it has just been sparse and on her terms, which makes it difficult to gether any kind of momentum as I have to almost re-learn each time, and to get to that point has usually taken dozens of rejections and I'm sure you can imagine what that does to a person's self-esteem. Yet I don't want to push it because it just adds to the frustration and pressure, which is not good for somebody in her mindset. She described it the other week as a 'dark cloud' that hung over our relationship and I have to agree with that assessment. And although I tried my hardest to see things from her perspective and to be kind, there were times when I lost the plot; I was going pretty damn crazy over it. The last thing I need is to go there again.

And also, to address the point that seems to be coming up a bit here: Both she and I have no problems with casual sex. I can understand (at least on an intellectual level) why she had those flings. It is intimacy that I feel poses the problems here. These problems started once our relationship started going somewhere. I had every opportunity in the six months we were seperated to do whoever I wished to do, but I came back to her because she offers something intangible that I find quite irresistable. Maybe it's self-loathing

BW sending you a big warm hug.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bar Wench

You're right Baby, I have driven myself and my close friends mad as things worsened over the past eighteen months because I can't seem to get this situation straight in my mind. It has been refreshing to hear more impartial people say the same types of things.

It all seems fairly apparent but there are so many grey areas. To say that we haven't had a sexual relationship in years is not strictly true, it has just been sparse and on her terms, which makes it difficult together any kind of momentum as I have to almost re-learn each time, and to get to that point has usually taken dozens of rejections and I'm sure you can imagine what that does to a person's self-esteem. Yet I don't want to push it because it just adds to the frustration and pressure, which is not good for somebody in her mindset. She described it the other week as a 'dark cloud' that hung over our relationship and I have to agree with that assessment. And although I tried my hardest to see things from her perspective and to be kind, there were times when I lost the plot; I was going pretty damn crazy over it. The last thing I need is to go there again.

And also, to address the point that seems to be coming up a bit here: Both she and I have no problems with casual sex. I can understand (at least on an intellectual level) why she had those flings. It is intimacy that I feel poses the problems here. These problems started once our relationship started going somewhere. I had every opportunity in the six months we were seperated to do whoever I wished to do, but I came back to her because she offers something intangible that I find quite irresistable. Maybe it's self-loathing

Maybe you want what you can't have? I don't know, might be something to sit down and look at, and ask yourself what you're getting from this relationship. We don't know her, and what it is that ties you to her. But at the end of the day, you're not getting what you need from her. There's no reason she can't be an important person in your life, but I don't see how she can be your partner with this issue hanging like the constant dark cloud it has been for years.

I had a partner who was not terribly interested in sex, and it was frustrating. So I went on the Pill. The Pill crushes any interest in that business for me, so I didn't mind not getting any after that. But in the end, things still didn't work between us. As I said to her, sex is an important part of a relationship and I think it was a mistake not making time to be intimate. You end up little more than friends in the end.