Ummm, sounds like we're all doomed after 40? NOPE!

While I feel for you Glenn, I am about to hit 51 and my social life has never been busier. I am well past my prime, carry a lot of extra kilo's, and have friends from early 20's to 70 years old.

Maybe we cant hit the clubs till the wee hours of the morning like we used too, and maybe we are not out there as many days a week we once did, however it's up to you to smile, chat, meet new people. Sitting in a corner is NEVER going to get you new friends and or a new BF. It's up to you to make the effort, and who knows, with a change in yourself, your esteem will hit new positive levels.

Jez

thanks for sharing your story mate

Hello Glenn, don't let the parade pass you by. There are genuine people still out there, and not all of them want to be "Just Friends" There are beautiful guys out there who are looking for a genuine relationship. They don't care about age looks or how big the package is. I was forty when I met the love of my life, he was twenty neither of us have been happier. We are coming up to our 19th year. So remember this, keep in mind that you are worthy and someone is out there. They'll come to you; trust me. In the meantime just get out there and live your life how you wish and while you are doing that, before you even know it... someone will walk in your life. We have friends yes and there's always room for more. so drop a line and be welcomed to our family of friends

Glenn, I do feel for you, but this is not an age thing - it's a mindset thing. I am 30 and have had the same "It's not like it used to be when I was 21" feeling. I think it's somewhat normal to feel over it. But that's not a sign that anything externally has changed, but in fact, you have. I would stop going to the clubs and saunas if they are not making you happy. Connect with people of all ages and sexual orientations and find some things to do you enjoy. I think the biggest mistake you can make as a gay person is living within the concept that there's a gay world you need to be a part of. Just enjoy life in full, stop looking and as cliched as it sounds, love will come when you least expect it. But I can tell you one thing, real and true happiness with yourself is what attracts people.

Glenn, firstly my heart goes out to you because you seem to want to genuinely belong to someone or something that will make you feel fantastically fabulous about yourself. However, until YOU feel fantastic and fabulous about yourself....you can't expect someone else to take on that responsibility. I left a straight marriage at 40, with 3 kids to consider, because I was extremely unhappy ...and my husband couldn't make my happiness happen. I worked hard at finding out who I really was....and discovered I was gay. That started a whole other journey, as I didn't know what it was to be in the gay world....and I was terrified. Starting this journey at 42 was the scariest , and most amazing thing I have ever done. I can't say it was easy, or fast or even that it is over, but 15 years down the track I have found the love of my lifetimes! and I have found a career at helping others find their happiness. I don't think what you are experiencing is about being gay and/or 40 ...I think it is about a human being experiencing life. Find things in your life that make your heart sing. Something that you feel passionate about....singing, dancing, writing, painting, photography, basket weaving!!! It doesn't matter. Just find something to be passionate about and go from there....someone to be passionate about will follow when you open up and let the passion in. It isn't about sex or love or anyone else. It's about you first and foremost. Have a relationship with you, get to know who you really are and then you can share that with others when the time is right. Good luck...and love to you.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/251339868304161/

Broke off a 21 year relationship at 43, met my current husband at 44, and married him at 46..Life is what you see it as and what you make it.... Find the bright side of things, smile at that group you see across the bar, or sit near them and make conversation, and you might be surprised how things open up...

life is full of ups and downs,we all go through them,we all are getting older.Saunas an other places of the like may not be the ideal setting to look for a relationship,but it is an avenue,and at least you are out there trying to make a connection with someone.I say to you as you already know there are lots of other men in the same situation and as long as you keep trying that in itself is an adventure.Enjoy your journey because it aint over yet!Big hugs and cuddles to you from me!mwah mwah!

I definitely agree with the writer and I may add that things are getting worse in the gay world and people won't talk to you after you turn 30 unless of course you are still dancing away at some nightclub fulfilling your youth delusions.

You sound like a loser, no wonder no one wants to be with you. From now on start investing in yourself, put your best self out there and you'll see how things change.

I wrote this to get both positive and negative responses, but i think your comment Brightside is a bit harsh. Have a bit of thought for other peoples feelings. What worries me is saying those sort of comments just shows a nasty side. Please for your own sake be kinder to people because you are going to need all the support as you get older. You dont want to scare people off at 24. Your only starting out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brightside05

You sound like a loser, no wonder no one wants to be with you. From now on start investing in yourself, put your best self out there and you'll see how things change.

What a despicable person you must be.

If you don't like the gay world, get out of the gay world. If you're sitting in a corner reminiscing of the times when people used to walk up and invite you to join them, GET UP walk over and strike up a conversation... It takes a bit of confidence, yes, but what have you got to lose?

Life stops when you want it to stop... Not when other people dictate. You're only as good as you think you are; you're not the culmination of other people's perceptions.

It's sad that you feel like this, but only you can turn it around.

If at the very least, try eating a live toad every morning, that way you know your day can only get better :)

It was harsh but I wanted to shock you into action.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doolander

If you don't like the gay world, get out of the gay world. If you're sitting in a corner reminiscing of the times when people used to walk up and invite you to join them, GET UP walk over and strike up a conversation... It takes a bit of confidence, yes, but what have you got to lose?

Life stops when you want it to stop... Not when other people dictate. You're only as good as you think you are; you're not the culmination of other people's perceptions.

It's sad that you feel like this, but only you can turn it around.

If at the very least, try eating a live toad every morning, that way you know your day can only get better

I find extreme self confidence very off putting

There is nothing more attractive than a humble person.

Things will only get better when you start liking yourself. Sound like you dont. Why ? because you are getting old ? out of shape ?

The bar scene is not going to change back to the old days. Maybe you should give up on the bars. Only go to the various functions/day trips
you see some groups advertising ? ie Walks , Sports etc.

If you find the Saunas and the beats depressing then give up on them. Why do something thats going to make you depressed ?

Now dont snap at me but have you considered Counselling ? from the story I think your main problem is just accepting yourself and you need to get out of that spiral of not liking yourself asap.

I dont understand the not bothering with your friends who are in relationships part. This is where you are missing out. All my best friends bar one are in long term relationships. It never crossed my mind or theirs that they are couples and I am single. In fact I do things with them as couples and as singles from going to the movies ( but the other partner is not interested ) to coffees, to the occassional dance party. Even sometimes going overseas with them without their partner. Have done this a number of times.

Good luck !

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doolander

If you don't like the gay world, get out of the gay world. If you're sitting in a corner reminiscing of the times when people used to walk up and invite you to join them, GET UP walk over and strike up a conversation... It takes a bit of confidence, yes, but what have you got to lose?

Life stops when you want it to stop... Not when other people dictate. You're only as good as you think you are; you're not the culmination of other people's perceptions.

It's sad that you feel like this, but only you can turn it around.

If at the very least, try eating a live toad every morning, that way you know your day can only get better

i was getting into ur post doolster til the bit about eating a live toad every morning. man that's extreme. LOL.

Quote:

Originally Posted by eurolad

I find extreme self confidence very off putting

There is nothing more attractive than a humble person.

Have you got rocks in your head? Where did extreme self confidence come into my post?

You can be confident yet humble.

I think by extreme self confidence you may mean being cocky? That's a turn off, yes.

But I think confidence is a very attractive trait, any fella I see, if he doesn't move and talk like he knows what he's doing, then he's not keeping up with me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doolander

Have you got rocks in your head? Where did extreme self confidence come into my post?

You can be confident yet humble.

I think by extreme self confidence you may mean being cocky? That's a turn off, yes.

But I think confidence is a very attractive trait, any fella I see, if he doesn't move and talk like he knows what he's doing, then he's not keeping up with me.

It doesn't really have to be extreme I guess. You do definitely come across as self confident and I don't like that at all

It's fine by me if someone is self confident in their job or with their studies, but socially it's a big no no

Why do you think Australians are generally so dreaded when they are overseas? It's their self confidence levels and big egos which really disturb other people.

I've seen this a lot in middle aged gay men and to be quite honest I find it sad.

"I'm no longer beautiful... I'm no longer attractive..." etc. etc. It's clear to everyone else but the afflicted that the biggest problem is with the afflicted person themselves. It doesn't take a Freudian flair to realise that the more you carry on like that the more likely you are to believe it yourself, and likelier still are you to drive any potential new friends away with your woebegone outlook. Seriously, who would want to shack up with someone so maudlin?

To be perfectly frank, most of the middle aged gay men I see in this situation have spent their entire lives in the scene. I think that has a lot to do with why they've found themselves like this at this stage in their lives. Socialising and existing entirely in the gay world is probably not the healthiest way to develop your sense of self, especially in middle age. One should always spread one's wings, as it were, and personally I think you need to be comfortable with being yourself in both the gay and straight world equally.

If you spend your time exclusively in the former then where's the diversity of experience? Life doesn't end at 40, but at the same time I think life should never exist inside a single, isolated scene. Nor is this specific to us homos either - can you imagine a 48 YO straight man rocking up to a hetero nightclub looking for his next fulfilling relationship at the bar or on the dance floor? He'd likely experience the same things Glen describes, if not worse. Strangely, middle aged straight men either never do this or don't do it often, which begs the question of why do many middle aged gay men insist in doing it and insist in becoming downtrodden when nothing comes of it? Is it some form of Peter Pan syndrome?

I think you not wanting to bother your friends is a sign that things aren't going well for you at all, and you might start thinking about getting some help. Have you talked to your friends about how you're feeling, and if so have you said to them that you feel like you need a little extra support from them, if only for a wee while? Your friends will help you through stuff like this - that's what friends do!

Glenn, I just think you're looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm sure it will get better for you, but you have to start thinking differently. If you don't have the faculties to make some changes on your own then seek professional advice and help. Seeing a psychologist isn't stigmatised as it once was, and I've heard from many guys I know that a bit of CBT can go a long way.

Or first branch out and join a club or something that interests you - be it gardening clubs, book clubs, naturalist clubs etc., or do a course in something you're interested in. You'll meet people with which you have interests in common so conversation will be easy.

You can't keep going the way you are, the more you repeat these thoughts the harder they'll be to break out of.

Good luck, Glenn. Things will get better, but remember that you have to help them along! It isn't all going to happen to you without working at it.

Don't give up!

I'm 40 and I'm awesome.

What an interesting thread.... more interesting in the responses and the ages of those - There's mixture of those under 30... and those around of above the age of the OP.


Ok.. let's kick off my reply ...


The OP states that he is 48 yrs old - and along side that that he's 'middle aged'.

Hell - I will be turning 48 in... gee... 2 mths time... and MIDDLE AGE is that last thing that I would refer myself as. Get over that age part : you can't do anything about that - everyone ages, and get over referring yourself as middle aged as well. Age is a number - nothing more. If you feel that 'age' - then it will show.


There are however a few things that come with 'age' : "experience" and "wear and tear" come to mind ..........


Experience is great for the bullshit that you see and hear. Use that experience to come up with a conversation. And from your 'experiences' with meeting some : learn from that ! The bullshit of inviting someone to your environment without knowing who/m they are - then use your 'experience' from that - here's some FANTASTIC suggestions : if you meet someone and take them home or invite them around ; GRAB A SMART PHONE AND TAKE A PICTURE OF THEM !! Hey that will come handy if anyone decides to steal from you. Oh.. and a deadlock on the door can also be handy And from my limited experience ' saunas aren't the place to be - they're a tad depressing.


"Wear and tear" is the body telling you that you either need to 'upgrade' or 'work out' a little bit more.

Us 'old guys' need to look after ourselves more - and that's not just the body. Just some new clothes, get a new colour, get some style (and that doesn't include Lowes or Kmart). Get a new hair style, and if you're bald, think of a trimmed beard . Glasses : if you wear them - update them as well. Just a few make over tips to get you thinking / looking younger. And then there's the gym : yes - a few extra kilos on that midsection don't help - especially with some of the sad clothes that I see some 'middle age' guys wear. And there's always the conversations you can have there, once you get to know a few guys there. (** Just a warning though : don't go overboard and scare everyone - just do it gradually - and NO HAIR COLOURING TO ANYONE WITH GREY HAIR - embrace the grey - Bruce Willis and George Clooney do !! )


I know what it's like with the 'married mates' - but can I tell you something..... don't think that being 'married' is perfection !!! (well there's the fights and arguments that I hear about ... but hey ..... we wont tell anyone that !!) There's always that BOYFRIEND PILLOW that I saw online the other day - http://www.ozbargain.com.au/node/77293 - and sorry... it doesn't come with a dick !! Then there's the 'serial' married mates... married...single.. married... single.. married... sorry who is it this week ???


I know what it's like to be SINGLE... yep - been that way ALL MY LIFE .... BUT that's been my choice .... and of course I've never found 'Mr Right' as well (there's been plenty of Mr Wrongs and Mr WhatF***PlanetAreYouOn ??!!)> And of course that means I can do what I want on weekends - and it allows me to get out to friends when I want to.


(There is of course the last resort option : and that means travelling to a South Eastern Asian country - but again.... you will definitely need to rethink that one before contemplation. ** waiting for the 'racist' comment on this - but I'm thinking the 'bride' option !!)


Finally : BEING ALONE. Why do 'we' put so much pressure on ourselves to be with someone else ?? Why is our 'happiness' so related to being with another ?? If you are SHY now - do you think that the SHYNESS will disappear when you find someone else ?? Find things to do : find interests / start reading news - listening to music - watching TV and movies - and you'll have some areas to start talking about (well... except Big Brother !!).



AND EDIT : one's profile has this ' All About Me' - it might be time to put something in there !!

Well I don't really know what he is complaining about, at least he had a good time when he was younger from the sound of it. I never did, my youth was complete misery and I am glad it is over. Although of course I don't like ageing physically, but since youth was a disadvantage I guess it is an ok outcome.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chancethegardener

I've seen this a lot in middle aged gay men and to be quite honest I find it sad.

"I'm no longer beautiful... I'm no longer attractive..." etc. etc. It's clear to everyone else but the afflicted that the biggest problem is with the afflicted person themselves. It doesn't take a Freudian flair to realise that the more you carry on like that the more likely you are to believe it yourself, and likelier still are you to drive any potential new friends away with your woebegone outlook. Seriously, who would want to shack up with someone so maudlin?

To be perfectly frank, most of the middle aged gay men I see in this situation have spent their entire lives in the scene. I think that has a lot to do with why they've found themselves like this at this stage in their lives. Socialising and existing entirely in the gay world is probably not the healthiest way to develop your sense of self, especially in middle age. One should always spread one's wings, as it were, and personally I think you need to be comfortable with being yourself in both the gay and straight world equally.

If you spend your time exclusively in the former then where's the diversity of experience? Life doesn't end at 40, but at the same time I think life should never exist inside a single, isolated scene. Nor is this specific to us homos either - can you imagine a 48 YO straight man rocking up to a hetero nightclub looking for his next fulfilling relationship at the bar or on the dance floor? He'd likely experience the same things Glen describes, if not worse. Strangely, middle aged straight men either never do this or don't do it often, which begs the question of why do many middle aged gay men insist in doing it and insist in becoming downtrodden when nothing comes of it? Is it some form of Peter Pan syndrome?

I think you not wanting to bother your friends is a sign that things aren't going well for you at all, and you might start thinking about getting some help. Have you talked to your friends about how you're feeling, and if so have you said to them that you feel like you need a little extra support from them, if only for a wee while? Your friends will help you through stuff like this - that's what friends do!

Glenn, I just think you're looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm sure it will get better for you, but you have to start thinking differently. If you don't have the faculties to make some changes on your own then seek professional advice and help. Seeing a psychologist isn't stigmatised as it once was, and I've heard from many guys I know that a bit of CBT can go a long way.

Or first branch out and join a club or something that interests you - be it gardening clubs, book clubs, naturalist clubs etc., or do a course in something you're interested in. You'll meet people with which you have interests in common so conversation will be easy.

You can't keep going the way you are, the more you repeat these thoughts the harder they'll be to break out of.

Good luck, Glenn. Things will get better, but remember that you have to help them along! It isn't all going to happen to you without working at it.

Don't give up!

Really well said, m8! . . . Glenn if ya don't listen to anyone else then take Chancethegardener's sound advice!

Glenn, having read your story and many the posts, I was reminded of a story I read in the early 90's, which spoke about gay mens aging.
The author referred to it as "Peter Pan Syndrome". Peter Pan of course being the boy who never grew up.

I think your biggest problem and the most telling part of your story, is summed up in one line from the article:"one day I might find someone that will make me happy and complete".
You cannot love another until you learn to love yourself.
Stop looking for a partner.
Stop confusing sex for intimacy or companionship.
Start realising that sex is not love.
Treat yourself with a bit of respect.
Stop the anonymous sex in beats and sex on premises venues.
Get some counselling.

Questions to ask yourself are:
Do you really need a relationship to make your life complete?
If so, then why?
A relationship may or may not be a part of your life. The main thing is accepting your life as it is at the moment, and being happy about it.
You can't expect someone else to love you, when you don't love yourself.
Do whatever it takes, professional help in need be, to find a relationship with yourself.

I have to ask one other question:
Why are you going to gay bars?
I mean what is the attraction?
The music is loud, and it's crap. There is no entertainment on offer, drag is not entertainment. No food or dining facilities available. No natural light. The only thing on offer is over priced drinks.
All you'll find is mutton dressed up as lamb, self indulgence, addicts (drugs, sex, alcohol, gambling and more) and huge egos covering up very low self esteem.
If they took the alcohol away, nobody would ever go.

Expand your horizons.
If you're working, get involved in the social side of your workplace.
If not get a job, any job, doesn't matter what you're doing, or maybe look at doing some form of study.
Find things you are interested in and get involved with groups of people who like doing those things.
Not just gay people, go out into the mainstream community and get involved.
Sport, politics, religion, community service, fundraising, theatre, arts, bushwalking and many other types of groups are all out there waiting for you to join. But join and participate because you want to be involved in the group's main activity, not because you want a partner.

Quote:

Originally Posted by eurolad

It doesn't really have to be extreme I guess. You do definitely come across as self confident and I don't like that at all

It's fine by me if someone is self confident in their job or with their studies, but socially it's a big no no

Why do you think Australians are generally so dreaded when they are overseas? It's their self confidence levels and big egos which really disturb other people.

1.I am confident. I am not cocky. I am also humble. I am also not trying to impress you, so whether you like my confidence or not is none of my business.

2. Confidence in one's vocation is just as important as confidence socially. To me. You have it your way, I'll have it mine. But don't profess to know whether confidence in a social setting is a big no no.

3. They aren't. Plainly and simply. I really don't know where you pull that from.

Quote:

Originally Posted by eurolad

...Why do you think Australians are generally so dreaded when they are overseas? It's their self confidence levels and big egos which really disturb other people.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doolander

3. They aren't. Plainly and simply. I really don't know where you pull that from.

There is a reputation with Australian travellers overseas, yet it's due to the young backpacker crowd and bogans who visit places like Bali/Thailand.

http://www.theage.com.au/news/opinio...98.html?page=2

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doolander

3. They aren't. Plainly and simply. I really don't know where you pull that from.

Queenstown Police slam Aussie drunks
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/ar...ectid=10826588

Quote:

Originally Posted by eurolad

It doesn't really have to be extreme I guess. You do definitely come across as self confident and I don't like that at all

It's fine by me if someone is self confident in their job or with their studies, but socially it's a big no no

Why do you think Australians are generally so dreaded when they are overseas? It's their self confidence levels and big egos which really disturb other people.

Dont know where the fuck you travel to but Ive pretty much always been well received and our reputation was fine. Disturbs other people? All nationalities have yobbos and some travel, shit happens, you really are generalising in a big way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by eurolad

Queenstown Police slam Aussie drunks
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/ar...ectid=10826588

Oh yeah lets be judged by the fucking kiwis now, groan. How many fucking stories can we all tell about them, but I dont write them off as a nation, cept when it comes to rugby.