Hello everyone,

I would love some advice to help a close friend of mine. I love and care for him dearly. He is such a lovely person and I am really concerned for him (particularly from what he has been saying recently ). I guess the best way is to give you all a brief run down in point form:

He is 22yo, and hasn't had sexual or emotional intimacy with any gender.

His background is Chinese and quite traditional. His older sister is also gay, but not completely out (Grandparents and Parents do not know).

He was born in Australia and feels Australian, but hates himself because he is Asian (he wants to be white for some reason).

He is most likely Queer, Bi, or Gay.

He has been scaring me with his joking about suicide. He has been saying things like "you don't need to worry about that, I won't be here much longer" and drawing slightly amusing but disturbing pictures of himself comitting suicide, and handing it to me on a post it note sometimes, which is weird.

He won't take charge of his life, and relies on the female members of his family to drive him everywhere, cook for him and basically take care of him.

He won't socialise at all on the weekends (not always a weird thing, but he doesn't socialise at all during the week either).


What I want to know is: What do I do? How can I help him rise above it? How do those of you with a Chinese background deal with your family's opinions on being a member of the GLBTIQ community?!!!

I don't know what to do and am very upset about this. I have one book that I could lend him, but it isn't Chinese Australian specific. It's called "Loving Ourselves" by Kimeron N. Hardin PhD, but I'm not sure how to give it to him or encourage him to read it!

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

Violet

I know exactly how he feels. I think most gay/bi Asian guys that were born in Australia tread the same path and yet don't realise that there have been others that have traveled the same journey before them.

Since his parents/grandparents are traditional Chinese, I doubt he will ever come out to them. They probably have constantly instilled a sense of family pride in him and it is up to him to get married and have kids. So in a sense, he is caught between his 'family duty' and his true feelings.

I still haven't come out to my family yet. As much as they say that they will support me no matter what, I'm still hesitant and feel that the timing is not right. Although they probably know, but meh...

He needs to gain some independence - but it is going to be hard. I know that my parents want to know what I get up to, but I still manage to avoid the truth and go out on most weekends to gay clubs. Although it may be harder in his situation to do this depending on his family dynamic. For me, at first it was hard as they wanted me to come back at around midnight, but over time this has stretched to 3-4am as I have grown older.

He wants to be 'white' because he identifies with being Australian - as it is all he knows how to be. But he still probably gets stereotyped by many as an Asian guy that can speak an Asian language and understands the culture, even though that's probably not true.

He really needs to get out and socialise with other gay/bi Asians that know what he is going through and can support him through it.

But in saying that, socialising on the scene is fraught with it's own problems. I'm not sure he is in the right frame of mind to go straight into the scene, as it takes a lot of perseverance, patience and inner strength, especially as a gay/bi Asian.

I sense that he feels that he is trapped with his family pulling one way and his desire to live his true life in the opposite direction. I would assume that he feels isolated and doesn't know where to go next, with the constraints that have been placed upon him by his family, which he feels he cannot go against.

Ok, I'm red with Champaign and my head is light but I do want to chime in on this right now.

Listening to Synergism at the Shift, he's fucking cluey and experienced about this sort of stuff. Suggestions and advice from him is dead accurate and probably really valuable for your gay asian friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxxVioletxxx

His background is Chinese and quite traditional. His older sister is also gay, but not completely out (Grandparents and Parents do not know).

Well, at least he has a family member to confide in. That's a lot more than a lot of other closeted people.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxxVioletxxx

He was born in Australia and feels Australian, but hates himself because he is Asian (he wants to be white for some reason).

This is not so much a gay issue but an identidy crisis. He needs to figure out that he's an Asian Australian. The two aren't mutually exclusive. They go together and will work in your favour in life. Its double dipping, you get both worlds. And its fucking great.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxxVioletxxx

He is most likely Queer, Bi, or Gay.

Be careful not to mask the sense of self with just concepts of sexuality. People are lot more than penises, jerking, anal and etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxxVioletxxx

He has been scaring me with his joking about suicide. He has been saying things like "you don't need to worry about that, I won't be here much longer" and drawing slightly amusing but disturbing pictures of himself comitting suicide, and handing it to me on a post it note sometimes, which is weird.

That is really concerning and a clear cry for help. Nobody fucking jokes about shit like that because its not funny.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxxVioletxxx

He won't take charge of his life, and relies on the female members of his family to drive him everywhere, cook for him and basically take care of him.

Apathy! Reading this I really don't think the biggest issue is being GAY or BI. He needs to active, involved and connected with other people.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxxVioletxxx

He won't socialise at all on the weekends (not always a weird thing, but he doesn't socialise at all during the week either).

Ok, so, sometimes people withdraw because what's available isn't right for them. With being withdrawn, they won't be exposed to what is right for them. They need some help in this.

What is your gayboy friend into? Are there events he can go to and find other people who likes what he likes?

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxxVioletxxx

What I want to know is: What do I do? How can I help him rise above it? How do those of you with a Chinese background deal with your family's opinions on being a member of the GLBTIQ community?!!!

He needs to find himself. Gain independence. And do things that he likes.

Coming straight out or finding a boyfriend will not fix all this. It might not really help actually.

I really don't know what steps to advise you to take. Hopefully Asherbella will come into this thread. He always gives really good direct instructions.

I really think that he just needs to do stuff. You seem willing to go along with him, even though you might not be interested. He's very lucky to have you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by synergism

Since his parents/grandparents are traditional Chinese, I doubt he will ever come out to them. They probably have constantly instilled a sense of family pride in him and it is up to him to get married and have kids. So in a sense, he is caught between his 'family duty' and his true feelings.

I still haven't come out to my family yet. As much as they say that they will support me no matter what, I'm still hesitant and feel that the timing is not right. Although they probably know, but meh...

I need to scan in this article from DNA that I have. It talks about how the western world has this weird "if you don't come out, you're a shit head" concept. It hits the nail on the head with how some very zealous gays preach coming out like its some sort of Jesus Christ thing. The internal, perceived pressure blah blah blah.

For me, coming out wasn't about my sexuality. Rather, it was the way I wanted to be. I wanted to grow old with another man. I wasn't all like "yeah, I'm fucking other guys." I was more like "yeah, my romantic yearning and plutonic lean goes this way."

My mum just bought me a pink camera. She does not want to know about my sex life because its icky but she does mean well.

If you were a parent, do you really want to know about your child's sex life? To protect them, yes, but the nitty gritty details, probably not. This is a gay agnostic thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by synergism

But in saying that, socialising on the scene is fraught with it's own problems. I'm not sure he is in the right frame of mind to go straight into the scene, as it takes a lot of perseverance, patience and inner strength, especially as a gay/bi Asian.

One of the best things you can do for a "newly gay" is to have a couple of friends to *gently guide him in.* (to the scene)

Blergh. I hope I haven't typed anything that I'll regret. Oh well~

Thank you for your comments, synergism and Mann,

I realise that he is suffering from depression, ie, not going out, and that he appears to hate himself.

He won't open up to his gay older sister (she looks very femme too by the way, and most of their family are in denial that she is gay and in a relationship with another woman). He won't open up to anyone! I just don't know what to do anymore! :-( He is a really lovely and very funny person most of the time, but his dark episodes are very confronting. Might I also add that we are in Darwin, and there isn't much available up here for us GLBTIQ people (we have one Gay nightclub and fuck all else).

Is there any literature out there for the Asian GLBTIQ community? Any counsellors or anything in the Northern Territory? Thank you for your help once again.

http://gaydar.com.au/
^ A place to find gay people. I know two couples that have been together forever that met on gaydar. There's also a radio for him to tune into and feel more gay.

http://www.samesame.com.au/
There's this really brilliant website called SameSame. I think its run by a bunch of queers and it covers gay media. Being aware about all the happenings is a good thing. Oh, they also have a forum. Have you ever looked at the events tab for NT?

There's Sydney Star Observer and SX here for us. If you go down your gay mecha or that one gay club, have a look for any hand outs and newsletters. I never looked at the stuff but after stuffing Oxford full of gay art pamphlets, I've noticed some really good stuff being put in.

If you want books, have a look at this:
http://thebookshop.com.au/

This is a nice book shop along Oxford where I buy my reading material. They're really good. Good staff that know their shit and they even stocked Jiraiya - a japanese gay artist.

Browse about and send them an email asking. I'm at Oxford every day/night. If you want a book or something from here and it can't be delivered, ask me to buy it for you. I'll ship it over via AustPost to help you two out.

There's a really nice Asian attendant at this book shop. I'll try and remember to ask him about this particular nebula. I talked to him for a long time about the exhibition. Really knows his stuff.

Oh and an online subscription for DNA magazine (http://www.dnamagazine.com.au/) is available. Maybe buy him a subscription since he's into computer reading?

I always get the real copy of DNA because I like to scribble on it but I'm guessing that the online digitally distributed version would be great for those that want to stay closeted and not have tangible evidence of their doings.

There's a long article about Japanese gay art in one of the DNAs. Its got the blue font and white background. I think its like last month's. My art director was interviewed for that and they plugged the Oh Kinky desu ka exhibition very profusely. <3 DNA!

Hi Violet

Your friend is very lucky to have you in his life.

There is some great stuff posted by synergism and Mann

The only other thing I would add is to encourage your friend to get themselves to a doctor. Even go so far as to phone and make an appointment for him and get him there if possible. If he won't go, enlist the help of his sister or another family member. You don't need to tell them anything about his sexuality.

Take care
XXXX

How are you going with this, Violet? Give us an update!

I'm not sure how much you can refer someone to a gay website or service until they are ready to talk about their sexuality.

as for the comments about suicide, i think that you should confront him about them. not in a harsh way, but don't just let them slide.

make sure you tell him that if he were to die, that lots of people around him (like yourself) would be completely devasted because you love him and want what's best for him.

encourage him to talk to someone, whether it be his sister, other friends or a counselling service.

if he is studying at TAFE or Uni they always have counselling services that he can access.

it's a long slow process to come out, and people do it at different paces. no-one can force someone to come out before they are ready, but having supportive people around him can only be an advantage.

also, if he is in sydney, when he is ready, there are several youth groups thatg he can access.

www.acon.org.au/youth for more details

Thank you to everyone for your helpful posts.

I'm not trying to get my friend to come out to the world. That is his decision alone (as it is with everyone else). I just want to encourage him to come out to himself and know that he is a wonderful person who is loved by many people. I've tried telling him, but I don't think he believes me and still feels trapped by his culture.

I might also get him that subscription to DNA, or any others that are recommended. Thank you once again.

I am going to try to encourage him to achieve some independence by positive verbal support and just basically reassure him that he is a lovely person (which he is).

Not sure what else I can do. Does anyone know about any GLBT youth groups for males in Darwin NT? I'm pretty sure he won't go, but I want to give him the infomation to work with, if he so chooses.

Quote:

Originally Posted by synergism

I know exactly how he feels. I think most gay/bi Asian guys that were born in Australia tread the same path and yet don't realise that there have been others that have traveled the same journey before them.

Since his parents/grandparents are traditional Chinese, I doubt he will ever come out to them. They probably have constantly instilled a sense of family pride in him and it is up to him to get married and have kids. So in a sense, he is caught between his 'family duty' and his true feelings.

I still haven't come out to my family yet. As much as they say that they will support me no matter what, I'm still hesitant and feel that the timing is not right. Although they probably know, but meh...

He needs to gain some independence - but it is going to be hard. I know that my parents want to know what I get up to, but I still manage to avoid the truth and go out on most weekends to gay clubs. Although it may be harder in his situation to do this depending on his family dynamic. For me, at first it was hard as they wanted me to come back at around midnight, but over time this has stretched to 3-4am as I have grown older.

He wants to be 'white' because he identifies with being Australian - as it is all he knows how to be. But he still probably gets stereotyped by many as an Asian guy that can speak an Asian language and understands the culture, even though that's probably not true.

He really needs to get out and socialise with other gay/bi Asians that know what he is going through and can support him through it.

But in saying that, socialising on the scene is fraught with it's own problems. I'm not sure he is in the right frame of mind to go straight into the scene, as it takes a lot of perseverance, patience and inner strength, especially as a gay/bi Asian.

I sense that he feels that he is trapped with his family pulling one way and his desire to live his true life in the opposite direction. I would assume that he feels isolated and doesn't know where to go next, with the constraints that have been placed upon him by his family, which he feels he cannot go against.

Some good advice here,
Violet, get in touch with ACON Sydney and enquire about peer youth groups and what the name of the Asian youth group is called and how to get in contact with them.
Getting straight into the scene may be too overwhelming for him at this stage.
He needs support of people that he can identify with.
be it young, aussie, or aussie/asian

I like DNA because it wrote a really good article about Japanese art but be careful with it. It paints this perfect image of a gay guy so it might make him feel kinda shit about himself if he's like that.

Me? I enjoy it. :3

I managed to get him some reading material. Not much, but it's a start.

Any other recommendations? Any Asian Australian gay authors?

Thanks everybody once again for your help.

If you want reading material,
try a new book called The Family Law, Benjamin Law.
He's a gay Asian Australian writer who writes about those cultural and sexual identity issues from when he was growing up.

Dear Violet,
At one point or another in our Asian gay lives, we have experienced what its like to feel isolated and lonely and how people around us just don't understand. I hope that this message finds you and your friend in a better emotional space and that he is able to reach out to you and hopefully receive some helpful information along the way.

There are many of us out there. Being Asian and gay is a not a death sentence. There are many of us out there learning to live our lives, one day at a time negotiating our needs as a gay person simultaneously managing our Asian ties with our family expectations and responsibilities.

There is a magazine called "A-men". it was published by ACON a few weeks ago, you can find it on its "A-men" Facebook Page. Here you can find information and stories on what is like to be Asian and gay. It illustrates how real Asian gay men cope with their identity and important issues relating to their gay lives.There is a directory of contacts at the back of the book with many helpful contacts for you and him to reach out to.

I hope he finds it helpful. We are behind you and all of us at A-men is here for him.

Best Wishes,
Roderick Ng

It has to be my lucky day, I was googling the topic name and found this forum entry! I'm an "ABC" (Aussie Born Chinese) male, and I can understand absolutely everything that Violet's friend experienced.

I'm new to this site, and want to make new friends, but I'm so shy as well!

Thanks Roderick for posting the info on ACON!

hi there, wow I had no idea that long distance relationships were so common, I am in a lingo of a long distance relationship -_-, met online earlier this year, very cliche to say but he is different