Wear It Purple to support gay youth at risk
Purple is being worn today. For me, I wear the color purple everyday, but today I am fighting with myself, my past and present, as I have done for so many years. I have my good days when I smile at life and my friends, living and gone. I have been known to be a class clown, always making people laugh. In reality, the performanc is to hide my pain. Somedays, very much like today, I cry, fight the tears so I don't scare people, try to swallow the lump in my throat and wish the pain in my soul will leave and never come back. I have had close friends over the years that I have had to hear about them commiting suicide by the hatered bestowed upon them because they are gay. And I have, on more then one occasion, been there to discover the body and realize that my friend will no longer be around to bless my life and that only the memories of him will be all I'll have left to have him in my life. And for myself, I grew up with a family that threaten me almost everyday, telling me that if I turned out gay, they would kill me. Enduring the beatings, over and over again cause I said the wrong thing, or acted the wrong way or was caught playing with a barbie doll or had Ken dressed up in Barbies clothes. Then find myself thrust out into the world and be confronted with the hatred of the world, that publicly embraces love and peace, but when no one is looking, they are commiting crimes of hate. So is it any wonder why at the age of eleven, I was at a friends house and took every known pill there, legal and illegal, and drank as much booze as he had till I passed out. Or how about me trying to slam myself into the pavement, six floors below, only to have my boyfiend grab me at the very last moment. And the many more times over the years I try to do the deed myself, only to keep failing at it. And coming to the realization that I can't get killing myself right, either for lack of trying or not being good at it, that I take any dangerous job that I could find, including working with drug dealer, in hope that somehow I would be killed. And if the job wouldn't do it, me riding my bicycle in heavy traffic might work. All these efforts were just to ease my pain that was and still is consuming my soul. I have been made to be ashamed of who I am, what I am and for living. For my family and society I have been made to feel that I am not worth having around and that the world would be a better place if myself and other homosexual weren't alive. And to top it off I have to live with the guilt and pain of all the people I have lied to and hurt over the years, including myself, cause I wanted to try and fit in, be normal, and be accepted by a world that doesn't want me. So this is why I wear purple, for my friends and for myself as a survivor, for now.
|