I turn 30 this year and I am married to an amazing woman. The only problem is I am gay. She has known this for a lot longer than I thought but it has been about 6 months since we have discussed it.....
She is very supportive of me and wants me to be able to live a life outside of our marriage. We have 4 young children so we have decided to stay together and live together while the kids are still young!
Just wondering of your thoughts on this and if any of you have been in a situation similiar to this?

Thanks...

Quote:

Originally Posted by nashjones

I turn 30 this year and I am married to an amazing woman. The only problem is I am gay. She has known this for a lot longer than I thought but it has been about 6 months since we have discussed it.....
She is very supportive of me and wants me to be able to live a life outside of our marriage. We have 4 young children so we have decided to stay together and live together while the kids are still young!
Just wondering of your thoughts on this and if any of you have been in a situation similiar to this?

Thanks...

NASH....WOW. I am bi and it can work to have two lives. Try not to think too far ahead and she sounds like an amazing women. Just also re-assure her how much you admire her cos it sounds like an incredible amount. A day at a time. I have two kids who are yet to know and they are 21 and 17. I AM not ready yet. However I have a girlfriend who's husband was in the same boat and they are great. He has a male partner and their kids who are under 10 are great with it. It can work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nashjones

I turn 30 this year and I am married to an amazing woman. The only problem is I am gay. She has known this for a lot longer than I thought but it has been about 6 months since we have discussed it.....
She is very supportive of me and wants me to be able to live a life outside of our marriage. We have 4 young children so we have decided to stay together and live together while the kids are still young!
Just wondering of your thoughts on this and if any of you have been in a situation similiar to this?

Thanks...

Im married and out to my partner as bi, we worked it out and are as happy as ever, it can be done with lots of discussion and open honesty about what you both want/need from the relationship

Thanks heaps Mac and flounder..... it's nice to hear that it can work. I know it is going to be a hard trot, but my wife and I have huge respect for each other and are very accepting and trusting of each other, so I know it can work..... Thanks for sharing your stories.

Nash, sounds like the two of you have a great r/s and it's good you're both prepared to make it work for the kids. I have no experience in this but I would think things might get difficult down the track, am I right in assuming you'll both likely date other people? When things start to get serious your priorities might change. Just something to think about I guess, but I think in the situation what you've agreed on doing sounds great.

Quote:

Originally Posted by flounder

Im married and out to my partner as bi, we worked it out and are as happy as ever, it can be done with lots of discussion and open honesty about what you both want/need from the relationship

Flounder, I'm interested to know what there was to work out? Isn't a bi relationship (whether as a straight or gay couple) the same as any 'normal' relationship?

Hi Jordo, yes we do have a great relationship...... She is very supportive and prepared to make it work. Having 4 kids and the fact that they are so young really ensures we are extremely busy all of the time, so we don't really get much time alone anyway... After 6 months of discussing our relationship we have decided we got together absolutely loving everything about each other and nothing has changed, we really enjoy being around each other and are each other's favourite people. My wife thinks I have ruined any chance for her ever dating anyone again as her expectations are too high now for what she wants, which I suppose is a compliment to me? I still feel really terrible about the situation but we do plan to see other people out of our marriage, and that is something we both support for each other because I can't give that to her anymore!

We have planned to allocate weekends to each other to go out and do what we want, no questions asked, but that still sounds a little bit scary to me.... I have never been out in the world before, got married very young and would have to start out slow I think!

It sounds like the two of you are going to raise a great family together. And if you've ruined her future of dating that's definitely a great compliment lol.

As for the getting yourself out there and dating thing, I came out at 21 (relatively late when a lot of guys I know come out at 12-15). I was really worried about how to meet guys because us homos have a much smaller portion of the population to "choose from" than straight people, plus I don't go out to gay clubs much. Anyway I guess I'm trying to say just be yourself, stay patient and be confident and good things will come your way. You seem like a pretty sorted guy with the right priorities so you're already miles ahead of the rest of them and have nothing to worry about

Big step to come out! So, first things first, congratulations . I think you are a very lucky man, with a supportive wife and children . I've read Ricky Martin's autobiography, and there was a line that's something like "I can love a woman, but it is only with a man I can feel my animal-self to arise." I've met many people who are in a similar situation to yours.
I think you should use the weekend thing to explore yourself, but also encourage your wife to do so too. You are both very young and it's more than fine to start over again. She sounds like your best friend, so i'm sure you'll work something out with your kids.
The fact that you feel the need to come out suggests that you have not yet fulfilled what you want to achieve and that you are missing a piece in your life. So... get out there. If gay bars seem apprehensive, then try some LGBT organisation groups, take a step at a time.

All the best.

rosies is like me 5 years ago... i too read ricky martins bio... all i can say is... this is how its gonna go:

u will fall in love with a guy... u will no longer live with her.. she will feel resentment and alienation and there will be fights... and as to who is gonna get the kids, its all going to go splitsville.. she will move onto some other guy... because trust me... time heals all wounds.. and she will fall in love with him deeply.. and it is ur kids who will be in limbo coz i can guarantee that u will not be living with her forever.. and thats all folks!

thoses weekends u mentioned will only go for maybe a few months or so.. coz when ur new bf comes along he is not gonna want to share u... and then ur current wife will feel neglect and all that hatred having to share u and she will feel that sinking feeling that she is losing u.. and i can guarantee that one day it will all come crashing down.. everything...

but once the dust is settled... the party of 3 or 4 will sit down have a coffee and wonder why u went through all of that.. only to know that it was pointless.. better to have found new partners and split...

Thanks for your thoughtful and honest replies....

Not that I feel the need to defend my situation but my kids will never live in limbo! They are our lives, nothing ever comes before them and never will..... My wife and I know that we will eventually not be living together and are staying together because we have our kids and they are still young. The oldest is 12 and the youngest is 1. We have always been amazing friends before anything else and we know we always will be best of friends. We have lived together for so long that we know how each other work, and know that we will always put each other first....

If the last 12 years have taught us anything, it is that we are very capable of living together and not having a physical relationship with other people, so if that is what it is going to be for our kids sake, then that's what is going to happen. I don't let any personal issues effect my kids, but I know one day they will have to know I am gay and that is going to be something that I want to be a positive in their life and doesn't affect them in a negative way.

We have amazing family and friends around us and I know they will also be very supportive towards us and our kids when I come out I am just not ready for that announcement because we are happy with our family unit the way it is..... My wife has known I am gay for years, but I just didn't say the words out loud until last year. It was more difficult for me than her because she was so understanding, it blew me away.....

I suppose what I am trying to justify is that I know our kids will always come first, we have always been like that and know that when you become a parent, you lose your right to be selfish for a while, and that is a commitment that I am happy to take on for as long as I need..... One step at a time.....

Thanks!!!

Bit negative ernesto, I agree there will come a time where they have to part ways etc but I think they'll make it work. They already are and know what is ahead of them so why do you think it is likely to turn sour?

Roses - is do you know of any such groups in Melb, gay guys or mixed gender groups? I'll be moving back in about a week and would like to have other means of networking without having to spend too much time in "the scene".

jordo- since you are 24, how about some Uni queer groups? Melbourne University and RMIT offers great places for queers. There are lots of people there in their 20s. You don't have to be in the university to go to their lounges. U get free food and whatnot too.

Thanks for the suggestion Rose.
To be honest I'm probably better suited to a slightly older age class or at least guys with that level of maturity, more into lunch and coffee or more social gatherings than getting hammered and clubbing etc after a long hard day on the xbox... (generalising, I know). I'll see what the uni clubs have to offer though, I might be surprised. Cheers

i keep it real.

all i can say is i wish nash jones all the best and the dust will always settle... life always goes on... this too shall pass..

well, this makes for interesting reading!!! Thanks for all the replies.

- roses, you seem to be very mature for 18. I was nothing like that when I was 18. Thanks for all the advice you've been putting on this post, I've been taking it in.....

- ernesto, I do appreciate you "keeping it real" and I'm sure you have all heard 'but our relationship is different', but it is.... It was always built on friendship and there was no shock, awkwardness or any horrible backlash from me telling her something she already knew. We are happy to be 'seperated' in a sense although living in the same house with our beautiful kids.... ok, enough justifying for me. but thanks for your honesty and replying.... love hearing peoples opinions.

- jordo. Thanks for being a good mate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ernesto_1

thoses weekends u mentioned will only go for maybe a few months or so.. coz when ur new bf comes along he is not gonna want to share u... and then ur current wife will feel neglect and all that hatred having to share u and she will feel that sinking feeling that she is losing u.. and i can guarantee that one day it will all come crashing down.. everything...

but once the dust is settled... the party of 3 or 4 will sit down have a coffee and wonder why u went through all of that.. only to know that it was pointless.. better to have found new partners and split...

And you know this cos your an expert on this or that your own love live is going gangbusters, jeez your full of shit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nashjones

well, this makes for interesting reading!!! Thanks for all the replies.

- roses, you seem to be very mature for 18. I was nothing like that when I was 18. Thanks for all the advice you've been putting on this post, I've been taking it in.....

- ernesto, I do appreciate you "keeping it real" and I'm sure you have all heard 'but our relationship is different', but it is.... It was always built on friendship and there was no shock, awkwardness or any horrible backlash from me telling her something she already knew. We are happy to be 'seperated' in a sense although living in the same house with our beautiful kids.... ok, enough justifying for me. but thanks for your honesty and replying.... love hearing peoples opinions.

- jordo. Thanks for being a good mate.

Dont worry mate Ernesto is a numpty. Apparently we all have to conform to the norm and cant live outside the prescribed area. Narrow minded gays are just as fucked up as narrow minded straights.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jordo

Nash, sounds like the two of you have a great r/s and it's good you're both prepared to make it work for the kids. I have no experience in this but I would think things might get difficult down the track, am I right in assuming you'll both likely date other people? When things start to get serious your priorities might change. Just something to think about I guess, but I think in the situation what you've agreed on doing sounds great.


Flounder, I'm interested to know what there was to work out? Isn't a bi relationship (whether as a straight or gay couple) the same as any 'normal' relationship?

It depends if you are to remain monogomous in any relationship. This was not an option for me and so arrangements had to be discussed and agreed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by flounder

It depends if you are to remain monogomous in any relationship. This was not an option for me and so arrangements had to be discussed and agreed.

I don't see monogamy as being related to your sexual orientation, that's just what you want out of a relationship. I'm a monogamous guy but I don't judge those that aren't. I guess my point is if I did want a promiscuous relationship I wouldn't claim it was because I'm gay.
Implying that you don't want a monogamous relationship because you're bi (this is how it came across to me) could help stereotype bi people as promiscuous.

Not having a go at you, I just like the discussion

Quote:

Originally Posted by jordo

I don't see monogamy as being related to your sexual orientation, that's just what you want out of a relationship. I'm a monogamous guy but I don't judge those that aren't. I guess my point is if I did want a promiscuous relationship I wouldn't claim it was because I'm gay.
Implying that you don't want a monogamous relationship because you're bi (this is how it came across to me) could help stereotype bi people as promiscuous.

Not having a go at you, I just like the discussion

Its not about sexuality its about the individuals involved, what works for us and I dare say thousands of others out in the burbs who are discreet.

I've been in a r/ship for 10 years and engaged for 4... I am bi and my partner is incredibly supportive. We have actually been thinking about bringing a bi/lesbian girl who doesnt want to be tied down to anyone into the r/ship... I think if everyone is open honest and accepting then it would work. As soon as it stops working for one person then they need to talk about it. I wonder what peoples thoughts are on that specifically if anyone is in a similar situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by beecute

I've been in a r/ship for 10 years and engaged for 4... I am bi and my partner is incredibly supportive. We have actually been thinking about bringing a bi/lesbian girl who doesnt want to be tied down to anyone into the r/ship... I think if everyone is open honest and accepting then it would work. As soon as it stops working for one person then they need to talk about it. I wonder what peoples thoughts are on that specifically if anyone is in a similar situation.

Suck it and see I say (please dont read anything into that)

Quote:

Originally Posted by flounder

Suck it and see I say (please dont read anything into that)

I couldn't agree more =P lol

GUTSY! Is all I can add. Despite some extremely negative additons clothed in reality, I reckon hats off for the communication with your wife, and more so with the kids when the time comes. Keep talking to each other as much as possible I reckon. It's far better to share your feelings and thoughts BEFORE any chance of things turning pear shaped.

i've been lurking around the forum for a couple of months...nash your situation is not dissimilar to my own.

i've been with my wife for over 10 years and have 2 children. approximately a year ago i came out to my wife that i thought i might be gay. she wasn't the only one who asked me for a long time throughout our relationship if i thought i might be gay; even now, beyond being attracted to men i'm still not sure if i can define my sexuality.

during the last year she has been supportive, emotional, felt proud that i respected her so much to be honest to her, confused, confronted by the reality of what the future might be and over the last few months felt betrayed because, to her thoughts, surely i must have known. i am so very sorry for the hurt i have caused but i hope very much that in time she can forgive me and i can have my best friend back. i'm convinced that everything will work out fine as long as i keep putting my children first.

hey JeffMayb, Thanks for replying. Wow, ten years..... I don't think you need to be defined by your sexuality, you don't need a label yourself to move on... open communication with your wife is what is going to get you through.

Sounds like your wife has been through a lot of emotions, and you can't blame her! It's a pretty big thing for our wives to go through. We just have to make sure that we support them through what they are going through and have a lot of patience, because it is a pretty big ordeal for them to process and I know that your wife will probably be questioning herself as much as she is questioning you!

I couldn't imagine myself not being at home with my wife and kids as they are everything I have always wanted. I love waking up everyday in our family home with them all around me. My wife and I make sure we communicate on a daily basis to ensure our relationship doesn't slip because it doesn't take long before you lose that communication and you begin to become distant..... Good luck with it all

Cheers, Nash.

cheers, you too

Nash you are a very lucky man. Your wife sounds like she is a very amazing and open minded woman. Sounds to me like all you really need to do is keep being honest with her and communicate your feelings to her, and she is going to support you one way or another. And never say never. You might just find a man oneday who is willing to be a part of a 3 way relationship. Some people don't have an issue with a relationship that falls outside of "the norm".