27th June 2007, 09:36 AM #1
first log in for a year.. love the new look MY Same Same
50 things you must do to be a gay man
This list is pretty funny. I'm not sure all 50 things must be completed to be a bonafide fag. I have completed 39, there are 4 I would not complete - 18, 19, 31, 34.
How did you go?
50 Things you must do to be a gay man
Description: 1. Out yourself.
This is kind of fundamental, so if you haven't done it yet, go do it
now. Go on. We'll Wait.
2. Dance on a podium with your shirt off.
This is most likely to occur at a nightclub or dance party, but score
extra points for doing it at your sister's wedding. Being swept up in
the music, the crowd, and being half naked is what they mean by the
term 'gay abandon'.
3. Call it 'product'.
One day it was hair gel, the next it was product. What changed? You
went gay, that's what.
4. Measure yourself.
Curiosity got the better of you and you took a ruler to your privates.
Then ego got the better of you and you added an inch.
5. Sleep with your ex-boyfriend.
Most of us have done this. Those of you who haven't
slept with your ex-boyfriend have probably slept with mine. Slut. It's
not only an easy lay, it's a good way to find out exactly how over him
you really are.
6. Pay too much for clothes.
You paid $270 for a cotton T-shirt bearing the slogan "poor white
trash". Ever heard the term 'the pink dollar'? What about 'sucker'?
7. See a shrink.
There's nothing wrong with asking for help. Besides, who else will sit
and listen to you talk about you for 55 minutes?
8. Bring your boyfriend home to meet Mom and Dad.
You dressed him, told him what he could and couldn't say, then threw
him to the lions - I mean, your parents. If he was a stuttering mess
it was probably your fault. Next time, ease him in with a brother or
9. Seriously ask someone, "Does this make me look gay?"
It's one thing to use the word 'gay' as an adjective, but another when
it becomes derogatory. How many of us are horrified when our friends
turn around and say "Yes"?
From the dance floor to the train, you've struck a pose that optimized
your best asset. Namely, your ass. Work it baby, work it!
11. Go to Mardi Gras.
At some point, everyone should make the pilgrimage to the Sydney Gay
and Lesbian Mardi Gras. To be counted. To champion gay rights. To get
12. Buy expensive underwear.
Gay men don't buy their underwear in economy packs. If you're still
spending seven days in Rio, it's time to lay down some cash. Your
boyfriend will thank me for it. Right after he gets over the suspicion
that you're sleeping with someone with money.
13. Don't correct the pronoun.
They say "Oh, you're in a relationship? What's she like?" and you
reply "She has a penis." You should never intentionally use your
sexuality as a punch line - but every now and again it's good for the
cause and can be an amusing icebreaker.
14. Have a threesome.
If you believe you're more than one man can handle maybe you should
get another one.
15. Shave something.
You went with a razor where most men don't. You plucked where no man
has been plucked. You waxed above and beyond. Gay much?
16. Pierce something.
In a moment of bravado, you went and put another hole in your body.
Bonus point if it was below the neckline and another if it was below
17. Refuse to date someone because he's an Aries.
And you're a Pisces; it'd never work out long term. Best you find
yourself a nice reliable Taurus with their moon in Virgo and settle
down in the suburbs.
18. Defend Buffy.
Be it for it's place in gothic culture or it's modern take on a woman
trying to balance career and personal goals, you justify watching one
of the most frivolous and camp shows on television. It has nothing to
do with Angel's upper body.
Yeah, yeah, calm down. I know this isn't exclusive to gay men, but you
gotta admit, we do it a little more spectacularly than most.
20. Acquire a fag hag.
More essential than your mobile phone, more fashionable than your
Gucci glasses, your fag hag is your mentor, support network and second
opinion all wrapped up in one slightly overweight and completely
smitten package. Available where most cheesecakes are sold.
21. Relate to a Kylie song.
You can't get him out of your head, you're shocked by the power of
love, but he's the devil you know. Je ne sais pas pourquoi? It all
seems to sum up your relationship. Assuming you're fortunate to be in
a relationship. I should be so lucky.
You must leave the place you were born and reinvent your new gay self
somewhere else. From London to Sydney, Sydney to New York, New York to
LA. You've been to Paradise, but you've never been to me--er, I mean
23. Forget his name the morning after.
Assuming, of course, he ever told you the night before. If you still
want it, there's three ways to get it: ask him to spell it, ask to see
the photo on his drivers licence or get him to put his number into
your mobile. Of course, these are also good ways to discover if he's
24. Satisfy someone's curiosity.
"I'm not gay, I'm just curious." Uh-huh. The straight boy community
service bonk. Bonus point for getting his tongue in your mouth.
Another bonus point for getting his tongue in your bum.
25. Sleep with a woman.
If you ever want to find out exactly how gay you are, thy this on for
size. Breast assured, you'll know.'
26. Join a gym.
Mostly so you can cruise the locker room, but at some point so you can
workout - work out that you don't belong there. Buy an Ab-Shaper and
some porn. You'll sweat just as much and it'll cost you less.
27. Believe people are surprised when they learn you are gay. They're
not. They're just being polite.
28. Work in hospitality.
It's a miracle the Religious Right ever eat out.
29. Hold hands in public.
Without thinking about the politics or what anyone else thought, you
simply took his hand and held it. With that simple act of intimacy you
became the only two people on the planet and the rest of the world
30. Get caught in a compromising position.
Be it by your roommate, your mother, or his boyfriend you were sprung
doing something you wouldn't normally see on the Disney channel.
31. Lose your virginity more than once.
You whisper to him "I've never done this before," since you no longer
count that worthless ex-boyfriend of yours, the guy you met on-line or
that time at the sauna. And hell, it's been so long now it's
practically closed over!
32. Perpetuate a myth.
Maybe you can cook. Or you're an flight attendant. Somewhere close to
the surface lies an obvious stereotype that belies your sexual
identity and explains why you're not married. "Oh, you're a
hairdresser. I see*"
33. Shatter a myth.
But maybe you can play football. Or you're a brickie's labourer.
You're an enigma wrapped in a riddle wearing footy shorts. Call me.
34. Pay for sex.
Your libido is raging, it's his 'actual photo', it's like dialing a pizza.
35. Have sex in a bathroom.
Classy. Real classy. C'mon guys, location, location, location!
36. Trophy fuck.
The guy everyone used to refer to as 'Oblique Boy' is now referred to
as the guy you slept with. Take a bow.
37. Exercise poor judgement.
We all have someone in our past we have trouble justifying. I have
two. But the elements conspired and you got involved with a perpetual
black mark on your sexual resume. Now let's never speak of it again.
38. Make Love.
At some point, let's hope, every gay man gets to do this with the guy
he loves. And not just make love, make really good love.
39. Claim you're on a caffeine high.
Sure you are.
40. Sleep with your best friend.
Oops! But it happened and now you need to minimise the fall-out. Avoid
expressions like "You're not as good as you always claimed to be" and
"Sorry, I was desperate." Bonus point if you retained the friendship
and another if it was a threesome with your other best friend.
41. Fret over the lighting.
There's always that awkward moment when you get back to your place and
turn on the lights. It's not that you're worried he's not as cute as
he seemed at the club, but whether he's suddenly got an "early
42. Deny you are gay.
Gay pride is all well and good but on some occasions it's wise to
pretend you're straight - at least until that mean old homophobe of a
grandfather's dead and you've inherited the cash.
43. Donate sperm.
You're young, handsome, virile and you can co-ordinate your wardrobe.
There should be more of you in the gene pool. And considering all the
sperm donations you've received, maybe it's time to give some back.
44. Cut someone's hair.
Our sexuality affords us the presumption to redecorate our friends'
apartments, arrange their wardrobes and occasionally, cut their hair.
What I love is that the breeders are stupid enough to let us do it.
45. Can the small talk.
You don't care what he does for a living, where he bought his shirt or
his opinion on performance poetry, just take me home. I'm a busy man.
46. Wear stilettos.
You may do it every weekend, or maybe you did it once in private, but
at some point, those high heels had you under their spell.
47. Laugh it off.
Someone in the room made a homophobic joke and you were the first one
to laugh. Or maybe you made the joke. Stop taking it all so seriously.
We're gay. It's supposed to be fun!
48. Fall in love with a straight guy.
Love is blind - and stupid too. Nothing proves that point more than
when we do this to ourselves. If you're questioning his sexuality or
sitting there wishing, "If only he was gay*," you need to get over it
real quick or subject him to this test.
49. Take it up the butt.
It's not everyone's cup of cocoa but you've gotta do it once to find out.
50. Be proud.
Stand tall and claim your place in the world. You've come a long way, baby!