I just had a brush with a Fisherman this morning - the type of person who, so insecure in their own skin, feels the need to fish for sympathy and support by using self diminishing comments as bait.

You know what I mean, they're the kind of people who say things like:

- "I look like crap today, don't I?"
- "My hair looks terrible...[long silence]"
- "I really shouldn't go, I'm not going to have fun..."

In the past I used to pander to these people. The ones I knew were friends. Now I'm rarely able to sustain friendships with Fisherman/women. Why should I use my energy to ward off their insecurities and pep them up for the day? Is that really what friendship is all about?

I find the dynamic so tiresome. Rant over, but I'm wondering what everyone thinks about this issue. Do you know any Fisherman/women? Are you a Fisherman/woman yourself?

Well it's not entirely a one sided dynamic. They do it cause people jump in and say nice things. So they get a payoff from it. If everyone just stopped responding then they may stop the behavior cause the payoff isn't there.

You could also try directly telling them how you feel about it, let them know you won't respond and if they are really chronic suggest supporting them in the search for some help building self esteem/positive thoughts.

they need to get a hobby, and some self esteem wouldn't go astray

To some degree compliments are like presents, it is better to give than recieve. Theres a nice feeling you get by making someones day with a compliment.

On the other hand someone who continuously just baits you for them is only getting them because they are pestering you.

So I guess it depends on how much and how often, I don't mind it but I think dayin day out would annoy me.

yeah but forcing someone to give you a compliment, thats just lame

When someone is fishing for compliments and says something like:
"Gee my hair is terrible"
I usually turn around and say, "But that's ok, you're so ugly, and your ass is so fat, the LAST thing anyone is gonna notice is your hair. Now tuck your moobs into the top of your socks. There's no need for that shit"

Do I look ok in these pants?

Quote:

Originally Posted by camiseta

Do I look ok in these pants?

Yes my penis brings out the depth of your ass hole.

if someone asks you if their bum "looks big in this"
they don't want the real answer. but i find it hard to lie, so i will tell the truth and ask how many tim tams they have consumed.

If a friend of yours genuinely has a low self-esteem and seeks validation through your opinion (they value your opinion; which is why they ask YOU) why begrudge them a kind word? If you trust that you friend is genuine (I assume you wouldn't hang out with people who aren't) why can't you give your honest answer (support or just feedback) & leave it at that?

We ALL have insecurities: at least ONE about our appearance. Mine is my teeth. I have a superfluous tooth: one that's not supposed to be there. In photos I try to smile naturally but not expose too much of that tooth; so I tilt my head; smile only slightly or refuse to be photographed all together. I never mention it. But people who are close to me know WHY I refuse to be photographed. They know me...they MIGHT say to me 'C'mon, Ash, there's nothing wrong with your smile, it's beautiful...' & I may or may not agree to be photographed...notice my avatar...can you see my teeth? No.

If you want to stop these 'fisher' questions from being asked: circumvent the pattern by ASKING THEM A FISHING QUESTION FIRST. Reverse the role; steal their thunder & usurp their pay-off....otherwise weed out your annoying friends from those that ask the ocassional fishing question during a fragile moment of self-doubt.

Have you ever had a fragile moment of self-doubt, Cameron?

The real secret to life is that everyone is so insecure and so self absorbed that mostly they wouldn't notice a bad hair day on a friend etc. Once I lost 20 kilos without my boss noticing. Finally he was like "Oh, something is different". People get a mental image of you and project it out everyday so sometimes changes don't sink in.

Except maybe for those judgmental cows amongst us who would go out of their way to notice a bad hair day and just use that to make themselves feel better about themselves. Ha. Mostly those types don't comment though - so you'd never know.

Best lesson I ever had was I don't like my teeth either so told a few people I was getting braces. When the third person in a row said, "Um, why?" I realised no one noticed or cared about a slight case of snagletooth. Saved myself $6000 then!

So the moral of the story is either way get over your "flaws" and go focus some energy on something useful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Light-Bearer

Yes my penis brings out the depth of your ass hole.

Echoes like the grand canyon I'm told

Quote:

Originally Posted by honey-prawns

yeah but forcing someone to give you a compliment, thats just lame

You have a CHOICE.
Say something.
Don't say something.
Laugh.
Walk away.
Change the topic.
Ask THEM a question in return.
What's this *force* crap?

The way I see it you have two options and either is valid depending on the mood of the day.

1. Pander to their insecurities (this is mainly for my benefit when I get the rod and reel out)

2. Pretend you have Asperger's syndrome and answer in a monotone with a truthful non-empathic response.

Now that I'm unemployed, I don't have to shave everyday. I don't have to 'dress up' for work. My flatmate, who hasn't seen me go without 2 days in a row without shaving, yesterday said to me 'Ash, you becoming a bear or something?'
'No. Why?'
'You're hairy. Growin' a beard?'
'Umm, dunno..Why?'
'Kinda suits ya..'
'Oh, cheers..'
'What do you think I'd look like with a beard?'
Is this a fishing question???What do you think I said?
I would never humour, reject or question my flatmate if he asked me my genuine opinion...what would you have said?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Asherbella

Now that I'm unemployed, I don't have to shave everyday. I don't have to 'dress up' for work. My flatmate, who hasn't seen me go without 2 days in a row without shaving, yesterday said to me 'Ash, you becoming a bear or something?'
'No. Why?'
'You're hairy. Growin' a beard?'
'Umm, dunno..Why?'
'Kinda suits ya..'
'Oh, cheers..'
'What do you think I'd look like with a beard?'
Is this a fishing question???What do you think I said?
I would never humour, reject or question my flatmate if he asked me my genuine opinion...what would you have said?

Now Ash I think you should grow a beard, and also those cute little curly locks that I have seen on Rabbi's

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eltharion

Now Ash I think you should grow a beard, and also those cute little curly locks that I have seen on Rabbi's

Ok. But my stubble is really thick & heavy set; my whiskers are hard like fibre-glass after day 3 of not shaving...are you scared of getting 'Ash pash rash'?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Asherbella

If a friend of yours genuinely has a low self-esteem and seeks validation through your opinion (they value your opinion; which is why they ask YOU) why begrudge them a kind word? If you trust that you friend is genuine (I assume you wouldn't hang out with people who aren't) why can't you give your honest answer (support or just feedback) & leave it at that?

We ALL have insecurities: at least ONE about our appearance. Mine is my teeth. I have a superfluous tooth: one that's not supposed to be there. In photos I try to smile naturally but not expose too much of that tooth; so I tilt my head; smile only slightly or refuse to be photographed all together. I never mention it. But people who are close to me know WHY I refuse to be photographed. They know me...they MIGHT say to me 'C'mon, Ash, there's nothing wrong with your smile, it's beautiful...' & I may or may not agree to be photographed...notice my avatar...can you see my teeth? No.

If you want to stop these 'fisher' questions from being asked: circumvent the pattern by ASKING THEM A FISHING QUESTION FIRST. Reverse the role; steal their thunder & usurp their pay-off....otherwise weed out your annoying friends from those that ask the ocassional fishing question during a fragile moment of self-doubt.

Have you ever had a fragile moment of self-doubt, Cameron?

Hello Asher,

I wholeheartedly agree that we all have our own insecurities. They are the challenges, the obstacles we must all overcome on our paths in this life. In the moment, they create fear and self-doubt. Once conquered, we can retrospectively feel proud of having grown past that insecurity.

Everyone has a choice as to whether their own personal insecurities should burden or impact upon the lives of others. It's my choice that none of mine should impede my relationships or other people's day-to-day. I'm sure we've all experienced the detrimental effect low lying insecurities can have on relationships; haven't we all been through a relationship that didn't work and realised "shit, that was partially my fault due to x,y and z"?

The trick is to identify these insecurities, to name the beast, and start eradicating it. This is GROWTH. This is MATURITY. This is the CHOICE each individual is allowed: wallow at the same level for an entire lifetime, bored with the company of the same old insecurities you've always had, or start taking steps to wash them right outta your hair - and your life - for good!

YES, some people are further behind the 8 ball than others; some people have far more insecurities than others. But we all have the choice to deal with them, or not.

Fisherman do not address their insecurities directly. Instead, they ask other people to quash their insecurities. This is like asking someone else to take a crap on your behalf. Until you actually get off your arse, go to the toilet, and shit out that waste, it's not going to leave your body. The bigger the insecurity, the harder it will be to crap it out, but nobody said life was easy. Likewise, no one on this planet can do it for you, and it's ludicrous - if not unfair - to expect that from others.

Once or twice on the odd occasion is fine, but when it's a constant dynamic in the relationship - that's when it has to stop. I personally believe that it is rude to ask anyone else to engage with and perpetuate your insecurities on a daily basis. Do you agree?

Finally, while my comments may seem cruel, the zero tolerance approach comes from a long history of learning. I realise that Fishing is a hard habit to break, but as I've worked past it myself I now have a different choice: to stick with these people and these old habits, or to remove them from my life or keep them at arm's length. I choose the latter, as I'd rather be with people who inspire me, instead of being with with those who remind me only of the habits I long ago chose to purge.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cameron M

Hello Asher,

I wholeheartedly agree that we all have our own insecurities. They are the challenges, the obstacles we must all overcome on our paths in this life. In the moment, they create fear and self-doubt. Once conquered, we can retrospectively feel proud of having grown past that insecurity.

Everyone has a choice as to whether their own personal insecurities should burden or impact upon the lives of others. It's my choice that none of mine should impede my relationships or other people's day-to-day. I'm sure we've all experienced the detrimental effect low lying insecurities can have on relationships; haven't we all been through a relationship that didn't work and realised "shit, that was partially my fault due to x,y and z"?

The trick is to identify these insecurities, to name the beast, and start eradicating it. This is GROWTH. This is MATURITY. This is the CHOICE each individual is allowed: wallow at the same level for an entire lifetime, bored with the company of the same old insecurities you've always had, or start taking steps to wash them right outta your hair - and your life - for good!

YES, some people are further behind the 8 ball than others; some people have far more insecurities than others. But we all have the choice to deal with them, or not.

Fisherman do not address their insecurities directly. Instead, they ask other people to quash their insecurities. This is like asking someone else to take a crap on your behalf. Until you actually get off your arse, go to the toilet, and shit out that waste, it's not going to leave your body. The bigger the insecurity, the harder it will be to crap it out, but nobody said life was easy. Likewise, no one on this planet can do it for you, and it's ludicrous - if not unfair - to expect that from others.

Once or twice on the odd occasion is fine, but when it's a constant dynamic in the relationship - that's when it has to stop. I personally believe that it is rude to ask anyone else to engage with and perpetuate your insecurities on a daily basis. Do you agree?

Finally, while my comments may seem cruel, the zero tolerance approach comes from a long history of learning. I realise that Fishing is a hard habit to break, but as I've worked past it myself I now have a different choice: to stick with these people and these old habits, or to remove them from my life or keep them at arm's length. I choose the latter, as I'd rather be with people who inspire me, instead of being with with those who remind me only of the habits I long ago chose to purge.

OK. Fair enough.
How do you feel about giving spontaneous compliments?
How well do you take compliments?

omg asher...you deserve a keyboard cat:

Same Same Media Player

Charlie Schmidt's Keyboard Cat! - THE ORIGINAL! - YouTube

Quote:

Originally Posted by camiseta

2. Pretend you have Asperger's syndrome and answer in a monotone with a truthful non-empathic response.

Heee Heee

ASS BURGERS!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Asherbella

You have a CHOICE.
Say something.
Don't say something.
Laugh.
Walk away.
Change the topic.
Ask THEM a question in return.
What's this *force* crap?

soz ? if they are fishing they are asking for a forced compliment

Quote:

Originally Posted by honey-prawns

soz ? if they are fishing they are asking for a forced compliment

No, a forced compliment would be 'Damn, I look hot in this...' *pause for comment*

'Do I look hot in this?'
You could say anything here...
If you took on board the assumption they're *forcing* a compliment out of you are you going to meet that expectation, ignore it, delay it or reject it?

most people cant take a compliment on face value ... did an experiment of my own being extra cheery & asking how people are and listening to them ... & giving them a compliment ....Most people were totally caught off guard & feel a little THINGIE about it.

hense to say I know everyone in my office very well & they all love me ....well to my face anyways ....

being nice to people can still get you a very long way ... something alot of people these days don't seem to do as much ...

try it out !! .... Just like a new font when your feeling down !

[quote=Cameron M;132186]Why should I use my energy to ward off their insecurities and pep them up for the day? Is that really what friendship is all about?
/QUOTE]

Yes.

I'm a total fisherman. I can't even get out of bed unless someone tells me i'm hot.

You're hot

And I figure if a friend needs a little ego pat, then yes, it most definatelty is in my job description to give that to them. I care about my friends and dont like to see them low. Thats just the kinda girl I am

I've been a complete Fisherwoman in the past (as opposed to Fishwife, which is a totally different kettle of....well, you know)

But it was more the kind of things like "am i doing ok?", "does this artwork really work?"...the worst was when i was suicidal and I'd constantly tell people i trusted. They got very tired of it because I thought they could give me support but they weren't capable. What i WOULD have appreciated is someone to listen up, ask if I needed assitance looking for some kind of help out there and maybe even saying they'd come along for even the first meeting for some kind of support.

This didn't happen until many years later. With a totally different and more reliable friend. he went through a lot of the same crap and we've both held each other up.

It can be dangerous to ignore cries for help - which is what some "fishermen/women" are doing.

And one last word of advice, never ever say, "here's 40 cents, call Lifeline" or "get over it". Could be the last thing they ever hear.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sTaRiA

You're hot

thanks starz honey... that just helped me get to the bathroom and back. i've been bloody busting for ages. now if someone would just comment on how rockin my hair looks today, I might be able to summon the self esteem to go out for a cigarette.

your hair would put Narcissus to shame....