Hello there, I'm new but may as well get right into it LOL!

Here's the deal. I'm in love with a married woman, yes, she's married to a man and has been for 2o years. Most of my lesbian friends say "RUN AWAY NOW!" as soon as they hear this. The thing is, I'm pretty sure my girl Aiisha is gay. Not bisexual, not straight, but 100% lesbian. I have many reasons for thinking this after knowing her 3 years. I know for a fact she is unhappy in her marriage, heard it straight from her and confirmed by the husband, and earlier this year she talked about leaving him. I also have good reason to believe she has feelings for me, though neither of us has confirmed it. Let's just say that today she ran out of the room while I was talking enthusiastically about a hunky male gym instructor!

So...advice anyone? Other lesbians say give up, never chase a straight woman. I do have gay friends who were "happily" married, and later came out though.... is there hope for Aiisha? Anyone who has been in this situation, either on her side or my side? Anything I can say or do to get my beloved out of the closet and into my arms?

Messy is all i can say.
My only advice is to stop using her name on websites as you are outing her and this is probably not what she needs.
Good luck
Piggles

Hi Baby,
last year I split amicably from my husband of 16 yrs, for various reasons, none of which involved me feeling I was gay, because I didn't! Some months later however I met an amazing woman who was also married (unhappily). I fell in love with her, and it was the first time I had feelings for a woman, and I went through the same questions you are. I talked to gay friends who said if I decided to do anything, I should 'proceed with extreme caution'. I gathered the courage to tell her I liked girls, just testing the waters, you know, and next thing she was saying she liked me (first time feelings for a woman for her too). Then I fessed I didn't like *all* girls, only her. She split from her husband a month or so later, and now she and I are together. We have been lucky beyond words in that all our families - including her ex's - have welcomed us just as we are. My parents love her and hers love me. Her kids are doing okay too! So it is all possible.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do, and I am thinking of you.
cheers,
Katie.

wow, that's such a wonderful turn of events! I think you've got a one-in-a-million girl there, Katie!
But it may not be like that for everyone...."extreme caution" indeed.

I got my own heart brokena few years back, not by a married woman but one already in a relationship with a man. It was all very open and he was apparently fine with the whole thing but it turned very messy very quickly. It is one painful event I don't wish to repeat.

i guess it's really a tightrope walk for you, Baby, but i hope whatever happens for you is positive. x

That's a good point, bellsforher. My friend who prescribed extreme caution went through a similar experience as you, having a relationship with a married woman whose husband said he was fine with it. It ended painfully for everyone.
I guess we are like the winner of the 90 million tonight - very very verrrrrrry lucky.

Quote:

Originally Posted by piggles

Messy is all i can say.
My only advice is to stop using her name on websites as you are outing her and this is probably not what she needs.
Good luck
Piggles

*roll eyes* That's not her real name, I have a blog and that's the code name I use for her in case she ever discovers it. Her real name is actually pretty ordinary so I could use it, but choose not to because there are several gays we work with who may very well be members on this site.

Katie0912: Oh wow, that is a beautiful story and certainly gives me hope. That is great to see someone in the same position, and now you're together! How long have you been with her?

Bellsforher: Ah yes, I've heard about people who've tried open relationships and it hasn't worked. Some people have suggested it to me, since her hubby has shown a little interest in me but I think that kind of 3 way thing is TOO messy for words!

Thanks very much girls, I won't give up on her just yet!

Hi Baby,
from first declaration of love it's about eight months, from first kiss (we lived 1000 kms apart, but I have moved ) seven.
Good luck!!!
xox
k

Wow that's so great Katie. How did you get the courage to tell her? I've tried hinting at Aiisha but she seems to freak out if I'm too direct...however she's quite happy to flirt with me. She does this thing of singing along to songs and looking right at me when she sings certain lines. Always love stuff, from "You're beautiful" to "I love you baby!" or even "It's time to face the truth, I will never be with you" with a pathetically longing expression! I've also caught her hiding behind a pillar watching me, or making excuses to walk past me 50 times. But if I'm direct she panics, especially if we are alone together. Does that sound familiar Katie, was she showing interest but getting scared if you got close, or was it different for you?

Wish I'd seen this one earlier.

Here's the thing. She may be unhappy in her marriage. She may even have feelings for you. But she may not be anywhere NEAR ready to think of herself as a "lesbian", let alone come out of the closet to her husband, friends, family, etc etc.

Curious what makes you think she's 100% lesbian, as opposed to bisexual? Would that matter to you? I realise you've been friends awhile and you know her fairly well, but hey, none of my friends knew I was gay!

Yes, you should definitely proceed with caution...but you also shouldn't get your hopes up. Because with due respect to Katie (and much congrats!), her story really is the extreme exception and not the rule. Reality is far messier. And even if she does come out, she may well decide to stay married and faithful to her husband despite her feelings. Everyone makes their choices.

Really, what you are proposing is to have an affair with her. That's disrespectful to her husband, not matter what her sexuality might be. Wait til she comes out and decides what to do (if ever), then make your move.

Thanks for chiming in torilee, it's always great to hear other points of view especially from people who have been in the situation. A lot of people have said don't bother, married "straight" people don't come out. Then there's people like Katie who had a success story, and I have several happy gay friends who were once in traditional straight marriages and got the courage to come out, some of them later in life. So it does happen!

Why I think she's lesbian, not bi - she doesn't show any attraction to men, even gorgeous men other women swoon over. Including a former Manpower stripper we know who makes women melt at the mention of his name...but not Aiisha. However mention a few certain females and she goes all googly!!

One thing I do have to object to is your assumption I am "proposing an affair." Where did I say that? I am hoping for a relationship with Aiisha, not a cheap affair. I have waited respectfully for her all this time because I do not believe in cheating (I own a Team Aniston t-shirt) and I don't think she's that kind of person anyway. If she was, I wouldn't want her. Cheating is no way to start a relationship and I would never trust her. Plus I quite like her hubby and it would be cruel to him. My hope is that they end this as amicably as possible, she will come out of the closet and THEN we could start something if that's what she wants.

If there's a way to encourage her to come out, I would like to know! But not sure I dare to confront her....she gets nervous around that topic and I don't blame her. I might just have to tell her I'm gay, like Katie did, but not tell her I'm interested in HER right away. At least then the door is open for her to think about it because she will know for sure that I swing that way!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

Thanks for chiming in torilee, it's always great to hear other points of view especially from people who have been in the situation. A lot of people have said don't bother, married "straight" people don't come out. Then there's people like Katie who had a success story, and I have several happy gay friends who were once in traditional straight marriages and got the courage to come out, some of them later in life. So it does happen!

Why I think she's lesbian, not bi - she doesn't show any attraction to men, even gorgeous men other women swoon over. Including a former Manpower stripper we know who makes women melt at the mention of his name...but not Aiisha. However mention a few certain females and she goes all googly!!

One thing I do have to object to is your assumption I am "proposing an affair." Where did I say that? I am hoping for a relationship with Aiisha, not a cheap affair. I have waited respectfully for her all this time because I do not believe in cheating (I own a Team Aniston t-shirt) and I don't think she's that kind of person anyway. If she was, I wouldn't want her. Cheating is no way to start a relationship and I would never trust her. Plus I quite like her hubby and it would be cruel to him. My hope is that they end this as amicably as possible, she will come out of the closet and THEN we could start something if that's what she wants.

If there's a way to encourage her to come out, I would like to know! But not sure I dare to confront her....she gets nervous around that topic and I don't blame her. I might just have to tell her I'm gay, like Katie did, but not tell her I'm interested in HER right away. At least then the door is open for her to think about it because she will know for sure that I swing that way!

Hi again,

Sorry I misinterpreted your intentions. I guess I'm really really passionate about respecting boundaries - a lot of people seem to think that being in love means you can disregard the fact that the other person is married/partnered/otherwise unavailable, and that's just not right. I'm glad you have a healthy outlook. You definitely don't want to be "the other woman", so to speak!

I think your plan of coming out to her is a good one. Just as a side note...one of my best friends from childhood is 100% lesbian and coming out to HER was the hardest thing I ever did! I was afraid she wouldn't believe me; that she'd think I was taking the piss or something. And she was kinda shocked, but then gave me a big hug and said, "I always wondered about you." Haha! Maybe your friend feels the same way. Make the first move and see what happens.

Good luck!

I agree, I can't stand cheating hence the Team Aniston t-shirt! If Brad was unhappy with Jen he should have ended the marriage, not skanked around with Angelina. How the hell Ange trusts him after starting their relationship with deception I don't know!! I don't believe in ending a marriage generally, but in Aiisha's case if she is a lesbian she will never be happy in a straight marriage and it's not fair to hubby either. My biggest wish for him is to find a 20 year old blonde with huge boobs who will love him, not girls!! ;p

Cool story about your friend...well that's the thing, your friend always suspected and I think when someone is gay, a lot of people do suspect it even if it's not obvious (Aiisha is obvious - she's quite boyish and I've been asked many times if she's gay) I think we've been dancing around the topic for a long time...but as I said she gets nervous if I get too direct. At least if I tell her I swing that way, the doubt is out of her mind if she's been wondering "Is she or isn't she?" I might tell her in a few weeks when her best friend is on holiday (her bestie seems quite opposed to Aiisha coming out, if Aiisha makes a gay joke about herself the bestie gets extremely upset and tells her not to talk like that....see it's quite complicated!)

I'll chip in and be quite blunt - because I've seen your story over and over in the gay scene. All the talking and hand wringing in the world is going to get you no where - except you will enter that wonderful world of obsessing and over analysing every single thing this woman does trying to figure it out.

Your choices - Do something about it. Tell her how you feel, be prepared for the fact it may go pear shaped and she may pull back. Put it in a letter if you can't do it in person. Risk the friendship.

If you choice not to do anything about it, then move on. Remain her friends, get a grip of the feelings, allow yourself to feel them and not act on them. If you can't, then end the friendship.

I spent ages trying to date a straight girl. Turns out - she was straight and wasn't actually dating me - just hanging out as a friend when I finally confessed. But it was very easy for me to have built my own reality out of her actions. What a waste of time. There are plenty of great women out there ready to date.

Also - respect her sexuality and not refer to her as "straight" with the quotes and such is my advice. She married a guy, I would assume their marriage was at some stage sexual, and may still be. So she could actually be straight, bisexual or going through a process where eventually she may want to identify as something else. But she will need to decide that in time.

Good advice Jodi...yep I'm pretty much at the stage of following what you said. I plan to tell her I'm gay when the bestie is away and just see her reaction (she should be cool with it, a coworker of hers just came out and she seems fine with it). Then see what she does...she might step up the flirting once she realises I "play for the right team" or she may back off completely. Either one is possible.

If she backs off, then it might be time to say goodbye. I've tried the whole "I love her but am open to other relationships" but it doesn't work, as someone said to me it's like going shopping with a full trolley - I'm looking for something new but I have no room for it! So yep, like you said Jodi there are plenty of others to date.

I can't give out too many details about her life obviously, but there may be other reasons she married a man. She was a teenager at the time, and living in a country where homosexuality was illegal, so just saying it might not be a case of her once being "straight"...oh yes, I use the quotes because that woman is far from straight! Trust me if you met her you'd know what I mean...everyone who knows her assumes she is gay until they find out about the hubby...and are pretty damn shocked!!

Hi Baby and everyone,
sorry it's taken me ages to reply here.
Re your earlier questions, my girl could tell that I liked her before I told her and was just friendly towards me, not flirting or anything like that. I felt really strongly that I had to tell her but took that safe route of just saying I was gay, not telling her straight away that I liked her specifically, because I didn't want to lose our friendship.
I think you're doing the right thing in taking the same sort of track and then seeing what happens.
Best wishes!

No worries Katie! I'm thinking Aiisha pretty much knows how I feel about her, I have bought her some pretty nice gifts and on her birthday we had a pretty gay moment...she hugged me, then kind of nudged herself into me and held my hand. Even some other people who were watching were kind of "Woah! What just happened between THEM?" I've been asked if something is going on between us, so other people see the sparks. Damn that husband!!!! I've waited this long without taking direct action because I don't want to be the one who breaks up the marriage...I keep hoping it comes to an end by itself but I can see that ain't happening!!

Saw her kissing another woman today...oh yeah, I was right to put "straight" in commas all right!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

Saw her kissing another woman today...oh yeah, I was right to put "straight" in commas all right!!!

edited to add... Just noticed your status update. I'm so sorry.

i'm really sorry B, are you ok?

trying to look on the bright side here - maybe now she's experimenting you can make a move without feeling like you'll be breaking up the marriage?

Oh Baby, I feel for you! Don't give up - stick with your plan - and know that we are all here cheering for you.
xox

Aw thanks you guys!!! Yeah it wasn't fun at all to see her lips on another woman! On a positive note, after she did it she immediately looked at me, possibly to get my reaction. And yeah ammonite, it would actually be great if she left him herself then I would have no part in the breakup of a marriage. Though my fear has always been that she will leave him and run off with some OTHER woman!!

Hey Baby, any news??
xox
k

hi everyone
i'm preety much new around here, but i'm glad i join this forum

i though i was the only one who fall for a married "straight " woman

umm
could anyone give me some advice on how do i know that this woman, is not just a mere "straight" woman
coz, i've been received some signal which indicated that she might be a bi or lesbian
but than again my gaydar is so mess up this day

i dont plan to have anykind of relationship like you guys
but i just cant shake this feeling of wanting to know her, or get close to her
i'm still young >_<

Hi katie0912! No not really any news lately...really not sure where I stand with her at the moment. She switches back and forth from acting lovey to distant like she can't make up her mind.

Hello ska88...there's certainly a lot of married lesbians, especially if they are a little older. Quite a few of my gay friends were once married, it seems like some people find it easier to do the socially acceptable thing, and after a few years realise they can't live a lie. My Aiisha is most likely gay, but whether she has the courage to leave her marriage and come out, I don't know.

If you don't want a relationship with her, then it should be ok. Maybe you can get to know her as a friend?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ska88

i though i was the only one who fall for a married "straight " woman

No, it’s a gay curse. Everyone wants what they can’t have I guess.

I am only attracted to straight women, married women and nuns.

Hi B! yeah... i just realized that. Thanks for starting this thread. Friend, huh...i'm trying to, but we're 8 years apart, she's my supervisor, i'm just an intern. Can't even think of thing to talk about with her, all would sound so childish. But something happen erlier tells me she doesn't want to lose cennection with me. It could be that i confuse reality over imagination again though.... arrrrgghh....this is so pathetic

Anyway, since i read your story. Can stop hoping things will clear up soon for you. She would eventually make up her mind, just dunno the result would be good to hear or not. Prepared your heart, finnaly the answer to a new beggining(hope it's for you and her)


Hi ammonite!! my friend!! you dont know how much married women and straight women had broke my heart. I should have put married on one of 5 sexiest lesbian job thread

Nuns! Haha, now that I've never tried.

ska88 wow that situation sounds familiar hehe, there's an age gap between me and Aiisha also. And yes I know what you mean, there's a connection between us that I don't want to lose, but sometimes wonder if I have made it up because I want it to be there. Then she will do something that makes me think there IS a connection...and it starts again!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ska88

I should have put married on one of 5 sexiest lesbian job thread

LOL

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

Nuns! Haha, now that I've never tried.

it's the wisdom and the peacefullness they exude that gets me i think. and with buddhist nuns also the shaved heads .

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baby

there's a connection between us that I don't want to lose, but sometimes wonder if I have made it up because I want it to be there. Then she will do something that makes me think there IS a connection...and it starts again!

yup yup!! that thing and feeling just wont go away

Quote:

Originally Posted by ammonite

it's the wisdom and the peacefullness they exude that gets me i think. and with buddhist nuns also the shaved heads .

that's one interesting point of view, good luck with that

I can honestly say I've never looked at a nun that way...not that there are many around these days!!!

ska88: Yeah, like people keep asking why I don't just give up on Aiisha. And I have, many times, just deciding that there's nothing there and I imagined everything. Then she'll do something so outrageously flirty that goes above and beyond "hey I think you're nice but nothing more." And there's this SPARK, that I always think only I can feel but now and then I think she feels it too. Like on her birthday as I said above, when she held my hand and there was just this massive spark between us that even other people noticed.

But what can you do? I can't drag her out of the closet by her hair, and there are so many things stacked against her. Like a Catholic best friend who will never approve, and a family from a culture that will never approve. Not to mention disrupting her entire life by going through divorce. *sigh* Meanwhile other girls show interest in me and I have ZERO interest in them. Arrgh!!