I Won't Be Home For Christmas

Support, By paul martin, 14th December, 2007

For many, Christmas is far from fabulous. Counsellors and helplines the world over call this their busiest and most stressful time of the year – loneliness, depression, feelings of loss, financial burdens, family conflicts and substance abuse often intensify during the holidays. While some may feel the warm embrace of unconditional love from their families this Christmas, others will feel estranged, displaced and gagged, unable to make the slightest mention of anything gay or lesbian around their families.

Christmas can often leave gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people feeling misunderstood. Some relatives may squirm in their chairs when you talk about your life – the mere mention of your partner could illicit the same response as a dinner table conversation about douching or rimming. Alternatively, those who choose to hide themselves away on Christmas day can find the experience just as lonely and dreaded, in a completely different way.

Of course, the great news is that there are alternatives. Some may choose to spend the day alone and really revel in how quiet and peaceful things can be on Christmas day. Alternatively, others may take delight in the opportunity to be creative when it comes to deciding who and what their families are. By letting go of the standard obligations and expectations and by spending time with people they genuinely feel close to, Christmas can be a wonderful time of year, something to really embrace and look forward to.

When it comes to going home for Christmas, some struggle with the decision. If this sounds like you, ask yourself the following questions: “What amount of distress will I most likely be subjected to? Why do I feel compelled to return home? What is the worst thing that could happen if I went? What is the worst thing that could happen if I didn’t go? What are my fears around this? Am I worried about not being accepted, rejected or being unfairly judged? Do I have any other options? Would it be better to share the day with close friends instead?”

When you consider the worst consequences of not going, be careful to keep it all in perspective. You might imagine your mother in tears, screaming to all who will listen about how you have ruined the day and your nephews and nieces crying over your absence. The reality is that after the first two bottles of Fruity Lexia, they will have probably forgotten all about it! Even if they do react strongly, is it a catastrophe? Is it important that you stand your ground, whatever the cost? Will they ever recover and still love you? The strongest emotions you might end up facing are your own fear and guilt!

If you are aware of these emotions and challenge them in your mind, you will have a better chance of being able to make a choice that is right for you. Sadly, many people spend much of their lives doing things that are good for others, at their own expense. Christmas may be a time when you challenge this pattern.

If you do end up at the family Christmas family function and find it hideously pulsating with homophobia, it may be time to consider some new strategies to deal effectively with this form of abuse. The key to feeling okay in these circumstances is not to take it personally! They are not reacting to who you are as a person, they are reacting to their ignorance and misunderstanding, or maybe even their own unresolved curiosity.

If there is a risk that you might respond irrationally, there are a few things that can help. It is liberating to have a sense of emotional control, whilst being assertive enough to stand up for your right not to be verbally abused. Rule number one – if you are starting to feel hot under the collar with anger or hurt, don’t politely leave the table – run! Make an excuse. Say you’re off to the bathroom. Once we all get emotional, there is only one way to go – down into behaviours that you can regret – and that’s never a good idea. If you are stuck in a situation and starting to feel extremely angry or teary, silently think of a number over 130 and count backwards, it sounds weird but it is a great way to stay in control!

Christmas doesn’t have to be a time of putting up with emotional pain and tragedy. It can be a time when you try some new ways of dealing with people and situations that can strengthen you and provide you with a great sense of self-mastery and satisfaction.

If you start mentally preparing now, who knows – Christmas may be a positive and memorable experience this year? If you do find yourself alone or feeling distressed, consider thinking of ways that will give you control of your emotions and a sense of fulfilment. After all, Christmas is the day to spend with people who, in your heart, you have chosen to be your family.

What are your plans for Christmas? Tell us all in the forums.

Paul Martin is the Principal Psychologist of Centre for Human Potential, a Brisbane gay and lesbian psychological well-being practice. Click here for your Free Report 7 Steps to Unlock Your True Potential in 3 Months or Less.