The Gayby Issue
Being a Dad is something very close to my heart. By this I don’t mean that I am an actor in a ‘Silver Daddy’ porn site. My lack of grey hair and few wrinkles due to frequent use of stretch mark cream on my face has meant that I’m disqualified from such a role. I feel quite privileged as I have all of the benefits of being gay, and also I’m a proud Dad. A couple of years ago my 21 year old son had a baby boy who is now my grandson. Speaking about being a grandparent isn’t a great pick up line so I’m lucky I’m in a relationship!
One of the great joys of being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender is that we are not constrained by society’s heterosexual expectations. These ‘norms’ often imprison our less fortunate straight brothers and sisters as the pressure to get married and have kids even if they don’t want any is enormous! One major issue for us though is that many gay guys imprison themselves. I have gently challenged many GLBT clients over the years when they say to me that part of accepting they are gay was the grief that they would not have children. This belief comes courtesy of bullshit that is downloaded into our heads as we are growing up. This especially targets gay men, as women have always been considered great nurturers whether they are straight or gay. Lesbians still have many challenges being gay Mums which are sadly often not discussed.
These beliefs include that gay men are not capable of having long term relationships, are deeply flawed and defective, are superficial, fickle and would make terrible parents. This isn’t helped by the absurd belief that gay men are paedophiles or are committed to converting straight kids to homosexuality! My son was brought up surrounded by my friends, a gaggle of loving and protective gay guys and his Mum and her female partner. He had very positive experiences of what being gay means and I who is his role model is very gay. So given these beliefs he should be a huge queen by this stage. I don’t think I have met anyone who is straighter than my son.
One of the major problems for particularly gay guys is the blinkers that there are as a result of these crazy beliefs we’ve inherited. It puts a massive unconscious (meaning you don’t know it is there) wall up to any possibilities of being a Dad. Many guys make the choice not to be a Dad for reasons of lifestyle and are genuinely not interested in parenting. For others, they’d make great Dads, but they are sadly blocked and will never explore the possibility.
Many years ago when going through my own counselling as a part of becoming a psychologist, I realized that I had cut off the possibility of being a Dad. This devastated me as I am a very nurturing guy and absolutely adore kids. There is something profoundly rewarding about the selfless love and deep connection with a person you are shaping the life of. What I found was that once I’d identified these blocks and challenged them, it opened up a world of possibilities. I started actively playing a parenting role with a lesbian friend’s children whose father was emotionally abusive and inept as a Dad. This then led to me being contacted by a lesbian who knew my friend and requested that I met her 8 year old son. The moment I looked into that little kid’s big blue eyes and saw how much he really needed a Dad, I knew my life had changed forever.
Luckily being a gay Dad doesn’t have to mean reluctantly plunging your reproductive organ into the pulsating moist receptacle of a good female friend. A longstanding great friend of mine co-parents and lives with his two gorgeous children with his lesbian friend. They conceived through IVF and given that it took years to successfully procreate, they were very ready to be a Mum and Dad. Others I know have used the turkey baster method successfully as well. There are also options to co-parent non-biologically related children through your network. The options are endless and only limited by ourselves.
Whilst being a fabulous gay Dad is one of the most fulfilling roles you could ever experience, it is good to be aware of some of the potential problems. Given how emotional parenting is, there are many unexpected issues that can crop up. Being a donor in Queensland gives you very little rights as a father. I was speaking to a lawyer friend Stephen Page, a specialist in GLBT family issues who said that it is important for prospective parents to be aware of the legal dynamics before starting the process off. If you want to be a donor and have found a fabulous straight or lesbian woman who is single or in a relationship, it’s very important to get to know them first. How do they communicate, what are their beliefs about fatherhood for their child, what are their expectations about the role you have as a Dad? Are there financial implications now or down the track? If you decide that you just want to donate and down the track perhaps reconnect with the child, be aware of the unpredictability of emotions when it comes to kids. When you look into the eyes of a baby that is a reflection of part of you, it may activate a strong desire to be connected to that child as a Dad from the start.
So if you’ve ever had the thought of what it would be like to be a Dad, keep the possibilities alive inside of you. Then do some deeper level reflection about what forces that are inside of you that affect your beliefs about you as a parent. Be aware of what feelings and thoughts come up inside of you when you’re imagining being a Dad. Do you feel anxious, ashamed or defective? Do you have thoughts that you’d be a hopeless Dad or too fucked up to be a parent? We all have some damage inside of us given that we were brought up by humans who were also damaged, and everyone makes mistakes as a parent. The trick though is to be aware of the issues you have, work on them through speaking with friends, journaling and/or counselling. Through a deep level of self awareness and personal growth, you can have the goal of being the best gay Dad you can possibly be. What a great motivation to keep growing as a person and pushing through your insecurities and live life to the fullest. When I imagine myself as an old man, I now have the wonderful warm feeling deep inside my gut that I’ll have the family that I chose to be around me, and the amazing feeling that I have played a major part in helping to shape their lives.
Other articles in the Daddy series:
The Rise Of The Silver Fox.
Augusten Burroughs and Big Bad Wolves.
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burgjo
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A N Journey
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