How To Have The Last Word... By Saying Nothing

Support, By Christian Taylor, 30th March, 2009

The end of a relationship is never easy, especially if we still want the person back. While things are often crystal clear with hindsight, sometimes being dumped sees us throw our perspective right out the window, along with our dignity.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. We asked some people for their pearls of wisdom, to help you get through a messy break up with your self respect intact.

Make It A Clean Break.

An ending is also a beginning, but the longer the break up drags out, the harder it can be to start afresh. While part of you may want to be friends, sometimes it’s not the best course of action.

Clean breaks allow both parties to get on with things. If you’re the person who’s been dumped, enforcing the clean break can work in two important ways – firstly you’re not chasing after what you’ve lost and secondly, you’re maintaining your dignity.

“Looking back, shutting off all communication was the best thing I ever did,” says Mark, 28. “Once he said he didn’t love me anymore, I knew there was no point sticking around. In the past I’d always be a crying mess on the floor – sending them letters, calling, texting, asking after them whenever I saw mutual friends. It didn’t do me any good. It just meant it took longer for me to find my feet again. This time I just composed myself and said ‘thanks for being honest with me. I’ve got to go.’ And I did.”

Mark says that at first, it felt like battling an addiction, but it made moving on so much faster, and helped him regain his power.

“It’s the only way to kick a habit – go cold turkey! The funny thing was, a few months later I started to hear things on the grapevine that he was missing me. He’d been questioning why I wasn’t calling him, why I wasn’t chasing after him. I think it really got to him – not that that’s why I did it… Well, maybe just a little bit.”

Lean On Your Friends, But Remember To Keep It Together.

When your heart is broken, don’t look to the person who broke it to make you feel better.

“The best advice I can give – don’t look to them to make you feel better. Don’t ask them a million questions, don’t call them constantly asking ‘why?’” says Karina, 32. “That’s what your friends are for.”

Karina says that after she broke up with her girlfriend of six years, she didn’t know where to begin.

“It sounds dramatic, but I slept for a week. I’d wake up, pee, eat something, and then go back to sleep again. My phone had a zillion missed calls! And after that, my friends were godsends. They let me go over it a million times to work out where things went wrong. And I am so grateful. After a month or so they told me to stop stewing on it – it was the kick in the arse I needed.”

Karina said that her best friend reminded her that success was the best revenge.

“I took those words to heart, I really did! I got a new job, I went to the gym, I went on a holiday – I turned my whole life around. I rediscovered who I was.”

When Karina saw her ex in a bar two months after the break up, she kept her head held high, even though she felt like she’d been ‘kicked in the guts’.

“I know it probably sounds childish, but I just painted on the happy face, because I knew she was looking. And there was nothing to be gained by looking anything but happy with who I was. I wasn’t gonna give her the satisfaction. Fake it until you make it!”

Accept It, And Aim Forward.

If the beginning of a relationship is all about making space in your life for someone new, then the end is all about reclaiming that space for yourself. The first thing to do, as hard as it may be, is to get rid of all the reminders of them.

“When I broke up with my boyfriend last year, I can’t believe how hard I made it for myself,” says Lance, 27. “I still kept photos of him on my tall boy, I’d listen to the CDs we used to have sex to, I’d read his text messages on my phone. It was insane. I drove myself mad.”

Lance says that it wasn’t until a friend intervened that he realised what he was doing to himself.

“They were so good to me. They just got everything and threw it in a bag. Everything! Underwear he’d left on the floor, gifts he’d bought me, photos, letters – the works. Some of it they threw out, some of it they kept to give back to me later, once I was over him. They even sat there and watched me delete all his emails and texts to me. That was hard. I really didn’t want to let go of those, but I’m glad I did.”

Write Them A Letter If You Must, But Never Send It.

“I like to write things down,” says Mark. “It helps me sort out my head. And once I’ve done that, it feels like closure. If you’ve written a really good one, in the heat of the moment you’ll want to send it – but I’ve learned the hard way not to do that.”

With past breakups Mark says he’d always feel great after writing a letter, but totally lousy after sending one.

“Bottom line, it doesn’t matter how together you sound in the letter, the fact that you’ve just spent hours writing the damn things says it all! And once you’ve sent it, then you lose your power, because you’re waiting for the response. Every time the phone rings, everytime you get a text or an email… It will drive you crazy. And the worst thing of all is if they never reply. It’s the biggest slap in the face. It’s taught me that silence really can be deafening. If you want to really say something, say nothing at all.”

Mark says that another upside of writing letters is that months down the track, when you’re feeling better, you can pull them out and read over them, and see how far you’ve come.

“I read over some of them and I just cringe at how dramatic they are and I think ‘thank god that never left this room!’ I think if you really have to share it, put all your heart and soul into writing it, and then read it to your best friend. Then go do something fun together.”

Of course, no two breakups are the same. But bottom line, if you can respect yourself and be mature, and manage to turn your heartbreak into a learning experience, then you won’t walk away empty handed.

Other articles on relationships:
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.
A Good Man Is Hard To Find.
Breaking The Cycle.
Welcome To Dumpsville.