WARNING: This page contains graphic descriptions of sexual abuse. Support services for people who have been affected by the issues discussed are listed at the bottom of this article.

We live in a world where the word ‘no’ constantly fills our ears.

When it comes to sharing ourselves with another person, we alone reserve the final word to our body. No means no; and not exclusively.

Sometimes, yes means no, and silence can be another manifestation of no too; just because there’s a sudden absence of decline doesn’t mean yes.

When did the rights to our own bodies, our own hearts, become something to be taken, stolen or forced?

Step one: assume you don’t have consent.

When someone is raped, beaten, abused, or taken advantage of, just because they don’t specify no, doesn’t mean it’s okay. It’s not a semi-rape. This leaves the victims with overwhelming guilt, because they believe it’s their fault- they never said ‘stop’. In shock, in horror, in fear or disgust, we fall silent. Or from a numbed emptiness devoid of anything at all, we fall silent.

Just because we’re silent doesn’t mean yes; it means no. It means a thousand times no.

And sometimes, we just can’t force those words out of our mouths, no matter how much we want to.

You’re sleeping and a man climbs into your bed naked. Technically, he doesn’t force you, because you never said the word ‘no’. Well, maybe you were drunk. Maybe you were scared to fight him off because he could hurt you much more. Maybe it seemed like a better alternative, to let him force himself on you even though it hurt, even though with each thrust you felt another piece of yourself fall away, than to have him beat you or truly force you while you struggled.

Maybe you’re a teenager and get drunk with a friend before finally succumbing to bed – to sleep.

Maybe you did whisper ‘stop’ in a breath ragged with pain, betrayal and a total loss of self.

Maybe with each terrifying thrust, you clung to the memory of the person you loved to stop you falling apart.

Maybe instead of knowing you’re being abused, it’s easier to be coerced into believing it’s okay.

That friend puts his hand between your legs. You don’t stop him. At first its shock and drug or alcohol-induced vagueness that disconnects you from the reality of the situation. You are silent. You realise what’s happening, but somehow can’t bring yourself to tell him to stop. You can’t raise your arm and shove him away. You can’t move, or think, or do anything but feel him touch you and hate yourself with every second that passes, hoping every second that he will stop. Maybe you’re that child again with no control over your own body or what happens, and so you just fall silent and let yourself be taken piece by piece. Maybe you feel fucked up and you let something else fucked up happen.

It’s a psychological process that stops us from saying no. Instead of learning to say no, we are conditioned repeatedly to learn NOT say no, convinced it’s okay.

Maybe when your entire being is screaming DON’T, your eyes are unfocused at a point behind the next monster that takes your body away from you, yet again.

So yeah, maybe you don’t say no. Maybe you do nothing at all.

But that sure as hell doesn’t mean yes.

If you need to talk to someone, there are a lot of people out there who want to talk to you and help you. Here are a few.

24 hour Domestic Violence Line: 1800 656 463

24 hour Rape Crisis Centre: 1800 424 017

Women’s and Girls’ Emergency Centre: 02 9360 5388

Another Closet – Services and information on violence in gay and lesbian relationships
http://ssdv.acon.org.au/

+ Information for Friends, Family and Partners:

Services and Information on violence in gay and lesbian relationships
http://ssdv.acon.org.au/supporting/index.php

National listing for Crisis support by the Australian Government
http://www.aifs.gov.au/acssa/crisis.html

Relationships Australia Support Services
http://www.relationships.com.au